My H and I are in recovery. We are both working very hard. Is it totally inappropriate for me to ask my H to do some of the things for me that OM did? I don't mean telling him that OM did these things with me - just asking H if he would. For instance, calling me a certain pet name or slow dancing to a certain song like OM and I did so often. What I want to do is replace those experiences OM and I shared with new experiences with H.

inthewilderness...

With all respect, you are not wanting NEW things with your H if you are wanting him to call you the pet names that the OM did and dancing with you to a certain song like you and the OM did.

What is NEW about those things??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I think you are looking to morph your H into the OM when you ask for things like that...but that's just me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I think it is wrong....is my opinion.

committed

ITW

Like commited said if you you are trying to turn H into OM, that is bad. IMO I don't think you are doing that. Had I been doing the things my wife's OM was doing, I doubt she would have had the affair. OM and my lovely wife talked a lot. My lovely wife and I talk a lot now. Not because it was something OM used to do it is something she likes.

We all have things that we think are special regardless of who does them, OP or spouse. I don't think that there is anything wrong with communicating to your husband what you need or would like him to do. I am sure that your H as figured out that OM was doing things that you liked and will probably do the same if you ask him.

God Bless

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by inthewilderness:
<strong> My H and I are in recovery. We are both working very hard. Is it totally inappropriate for me to ask my H to do some of the things for me that OM did? I don't mean telling him that OM did these things with me - just asking H if he would. For instance, calling me a certain pet name or slow dancing to a certain song like OM and I did so often. What I want to do is replace those experiences OM and I shared with new experiences with H. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sure its fair.....if you also think its fair that your H ask you to do things his Ex g/fs and lovers did. Doesnt sound as appealing now does it???

wilderness:

Ooooh. That's kinda creepy. I agree with committed that you should NOT recycle private experiences had with the OM with your H. You SHOULD, however, seek out NEW experiences with your H that will *eclipse* those you shared with the OM.

Start calling your H by a pet name and perhaps he will be prompted to return the "favor." Or DO something NEW together that will earn you a pet name. GET A NEW SLOW DANCE SONG, TOO! Invite your husband to go dancing or take dance lessons TOGETHER until you develop a new favorite TOGETHER.

I think it's a mistake to simply substitute your husband for the OM. Why did you so enjoy the things you did with OM? Was it because they were things you never did with your H? If so, the problem is that you and your H need to share some new experiences together... and you have to take time and make the effort to develop new hobbies, interests and experiences together.

When you began your A you were effectively substituting the OM for your H; now you are substituting your H for the OM. That's pretty disturbing! These men are two different people and should be recognized as such.

I think the key here is in your own quote:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by inthewilderness
<strong> What I want to do is replace those experiences OM and I shared with new experiences with H. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">REPLACE old memories... with NEW experiences. Completely DISPLACE from your mind the old experiences you shared with the OM with entirely NEW experiences shared with your H. No recycling events or substituting one man for the other! Otherwise the re-used pet name and slow dance song will forever retain the original association to the OM and, if you're truly trying to build a better marriage with your H, I would think you'd want to completely banish any lingering romantic thoughts of the OM from your mind.

Perhaps I've not expressed this in the most effective way, but I hope you can see the point I'm trying to make.

Best of luck to you!

I don't want my H to morph into OM. I do want to replace those old memories of OM with experiences with my H. How can that be wrong? One of the things my H never did was communicate with me during the workday. OM emailed constantly with sweet words. That filled an emotional need for me. Now my H understands that I need and want to hear from him so he now sends me his sweet words. Isn't it the same?

Dear Inthewilderness:

Not only do I think it's important that you DO ASK your H to do these things for you, but I also thinks it's important for him to honor your wishes and comply.

If slow dancing is a need of yours, and if wanting your H to call you a certain pet name is a NEED of yours (ways to show attachment, devotion), I think is IT VERY APPROPRIATE.

When I found out my H was involved with OW, I wanted to know what it was that SHE was able to provide him with (that he felt he wasn't getting from me). I WANTED to BE THE ONE AND ONLY PERSON to PROVIDE THE LOVE HE NEEDED (in the ways he desired love).

I say, "ask away!"

Hoping your H is able to come through for you!

~Marie

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by inthewilderness:
<strong> One of the things my H never did was communicate with me during the workday. OM emailed constantly with sweet words. That filled an emotional need for me. Now my H understands that I need and want to hear from him so he now sends me his sweet words. Isn't it the same? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hmmm. The communicating is perhaps "the same," but that's not quite what you expressed in your original post! It sounded as if you wanted your H to call you by the same pet name the OM did and dance with you to the same song your OM did... and THAT is a different matter ENTIRELY. (Assuming, that is, that the pet name was coined by the OM and the song was significant to you and the OM as a couple.)

If you're simply wanting your H to meet those EN's previously met by the OM, that's fine. But wanting him to meet those ENs in the same way the OM did is an unfair and, frankly, unhealthy expectation.

Also something to keep in mind: when OM was sending you love notes at work, he was actively competing with your H for your affection. Had H been removed from the picture, do you think OM would have continued to woo you so fervently? And didn't you get married to begin with because your H (at that time) met all your ENs? Life happens. We get busy... and lazy. It's easy to romanticize about how great the OM was, but it all falls by the wayside when "real life" sets in... bills to pay, kids to raise, etc. It's all rosy in the beginning because each party is WORKING to "make" the other love them. After the deal is sealed, though, is when we wrongly believe that WORK has paid off and is therefore no longer necessary.

Be careful!

<small>[ January 27, 2004, 11:18 AM: Message edited by: Culprit007 ]</small>

And what special things will you do for your H so as to meet his emotional needs?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by inthewilderness:
<strong> I don't want my H to morph into OM. I do want to replace those old memories of OM with experiences with my H. How can that be wrong? One of the things my H never did was communicate with me during the workday. OM emailed constantly with sweet words. That filled an emotional need for me. Now my H understands that I need and want to hear from him so he now sends me his sweet words. Isn't it the same? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">inthewilderness,

Your first post was worded in such a way that it sounded like you wanted your H to call you a "certain" pet name...and slow dance to a "certain" song like you did with the OM so often.

That's why I said it was bad.

It is ok if you need more communication and ask for that. It is ok for your H to call you a pet name. What isn't ok is for you to ask that it be the SAME pet name...or the same song.

If you are wanting that..it would be for the purpose of keeping memories of the OM alive...and living it through your H. That doesn't help build your marriage. It keeps you from removing yourself from the relationship that you had with the OM.

If you like to go dancing...go...just don't request that "certain" song that you had with the OM.

JMHO
committed

Reclaim what you can for you and your H. I don't mean that your H should call you by same pet name, but you can find ones for each other. As for the rest, sure why not reclaim dancing and etc. Build memories with your H.

Auto,
I will do whatever my H wants and desires. I want to be the ultimate woman for him. I want to be everything to him. But that means he will have to open up to me and let me inside his heart, his head, his life - something, by his own admission, he would never let me do.

ITW:

I want to applaud you for your actions. As a BH, I think you have made a truly rare commitment, and you would be congratulated and encouraged every step along the way.

I don't want to rain too much on your parade, but I did want to point out one thing. You said, "...but that means he will have to open up to me and let me inside his heart, his head, his life - something, by his own admission, he would never let me do."

Don't get angry at him for doing what any human being would do. You caused him great pain. You damaged his self confidence and self esteem. You ridiculed him and disrespected him terribly.

In short, you emotionally abused him.

It is a natural tendency for any victim of abuse to become much, much more guarded afte being abused. Especially with the one that abused him. Oh, sure you are sorry and all, but the point is he opened his heart to you once before. You stomped it back down his throat once, too. No matter how much you tell him you are sorry, there is always going to be a concern that it will happen again.

I think it is going to take patience and persistence on your part. You are going to have to prove that you are WORTHY of having open up to you and essentially expose himself to another kick in the groin. Don't badger him, or beg.