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Joined: Jan 2004
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Cadaver Offline OP
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Hi All,

WW had an affair 2 years ago. PA lasted just 4 days due to physical distance between her and OM. She repeatedly tried to entice OM into continuing the affair by telling him how great he was and how she couldn't help "falling for him". Her comparative comments of me and OM and telling him since he wouldn't continue the affair that she would unhappily continue her marriage to me, that she would be the model wife and that I would never know how unhappy she really was.

Years have passed, we get along well, we continue to see an MC. WW is a "model wife" the problem is I have no confidence her love for me is or ever was REAL romantic love. We're best friends and I'm glad, but if I had known that there wasn't any romantic love, I never would have married her.

I question my very manhood. I always thought that my wife and I shared a special bond. I thought that she loved me the way I love her. Now I don't know what her love is. She says she does love me romantically but is she just saying that because she knows its want I want to hear?

I desperately want her to love me romantically but I seriously don't think she ever did. Now, I look at an attractive woman and wonder...could she love me romantically? I NEED to be desirable. I NEED to be wanted with the same passion and undeniable chemistry that WW had for OM. Friendship isn't enough for me to be happily married but I also don't want to live a lie.

Any thoughts?

_______________

BS (Me) 35
WS 42
OM 31
2 Kids
Married 13 Years
D-Day 2/14/2002 (Happy Valentine's Day)

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Cadaver,

No words of wisdom from me but I'll be watching this thread closely.

My H's EA was 2 years ago, as well.
I, too, want us to have that romantic love back.

I don't want the earth to spin and birds to sing every time we look at one another, because I know the laundry has to get done. I do want his eyes to linger on me too long in a crowd, and for him to want to seduce me. He treats me great - gets me a candy bar at the convenience store, kisses me on the head when he walks by. But I NEED to be desired and cherished, and I'm not. H tells me I have unrealistic expectations of marriage.

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Cadaver Offline OP
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Turtlehead,

Thanks for the interest. It looks as if you may have already been where I feel compelled to go (based on your going from BS to WS in 10/03). Did it help? I don't want to hurt anybody (especially my wife) but I do need to know that somebody can think I'm the best part of their life.

I feel guilty even thinking about going elsewhere, but I'm soooo down on myself right now. It seems like the only way to prove to myself that I could be somebody that anybody could want.

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Cadaver,

NO it didn't help!!!
He was a long time friend from work and having been through lots of MB reading from my H's EA I knew the risks. Hence the strict boundaries I set in place. He must have thought I was a fruitcake, making certain topics absolutely off limits, never eating lunch with just him but always having someone else along (he was a co-worker). It still wasn't good enough and I called him a couple of times on a weekend... and we both knew the friendship had to end.

I don't know how some of the WS do it. We NEVER talked of a future, I NEVER badmouthed my H around him, there was no lovey dovey talk. It was still awfully hard telling him goodbye, and I miss the friendship.

I'd definitely recommend working with your W to figure out why the romantic love is missing from your M, and trying to get it back. I know how that feels - my H is a pretty darn good H, better than most. If you're like me you sometimes kind of feel like a putz saying "Things could be so much better." But the fact of the matter is, I believe things COULD be so much better.

Try to get the love you desire and need from your W. Really try, don't just pretend. Then if you can't, leave the M. Only then should you look elsewhere.

That's the path I'm trying to take. I've severed the friendship with the OM, I'm busting my tail (kind of hard because H says everything is A-OK and doesn't see why I'm bothering with this M stuff). If it works, it will be fabulous. If not, I'll know I've exhausted every skill and tool and ounce of effort I have. I'll be able to leave feeling good about myself, and not like I copped out.

If I *didn't* try my best, but just left, or found an OP, then I'd be ashamed of myself, plus I'd carry whatever shortcomings I have into my next R and repeat this mess. DON'T want to do that!

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Cadaver:
<strong> WW is a "model wife" the problem is I have no confidence her love for me is or ever was REAL romantic love. We're best friends and I'm glad, but if I had known that there wasn't any romantic love, I never would have married her.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Cadaver, what does romantic love look like to you? What would she be doing and saying that would make you believe she did feel *romantic* love for you? since you don't believe it when she says it, how would you recognize it? Have you told her what it looks and feels like to you?

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I NEED to be desirable. I NEED to be wanted with the same passion and undeniable chemistry that WW had for OM. Friendship isn't enough for me to be happily married but I also don't want to live a lie.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So, is this about sex and physical desire? I will tell you that often the intense physical passion and chemistry in a new relationship mellows. An affair that lasted only through 4 meetings? That intensity does not often survive - I think it can be rekindled for periods of time, but it cannot exist throughout an entire relationship. Did you feel that *romantic* love from your wife during the first four times you had sex?

God knows I have problems with feeling desire on my own, but it completely does not mean I don't feel an abiding, romantic love for my H. I know he would like it better if I was jumping his bones every night, but it's just not going to happen. We're settling for every other night <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

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Cadaver,

I know how you feel. I felt the same way before I found out he was having an affair and now I feel the same way.

He's a really good person in a lot of ways and I really love him. He just doesn't make me feel really loved and desired. I'd give anything if he felt for me what I feel for him. Even though he has had an affair I think about loving him and being with him all the time. I wake up several times a night and just have to touch his hand or lay my hand on his back or get close to him and hold him. I would love to initiate intimacy but he's desire for sex is really low. It has been for years. I don't think it's all about sex it's just that you wanna feel really desired and loved. At least that is how I feel.

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Cadaver,
I am in the very same place as you. My FWW told me that her OM told her that he would never divorce his W due to the kids. So...is she just here with me because he isn't? That question causes alot of pain and has me stuck between truely wanting to recover and wanting that "special" feeling with someone for myself. Luckily for me the old saying about when you actively go looking for a relationship none appear has been true.

I wish you and I could find that answer that could get the self esteem back to pre-A levels. Let me know how your doing.

Remember the pain you feel and don't wish it on anyone (whether deserved or not).

cwmac

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Gentlemen why don't you consider the idea of writing your W's a letter explaining exactly these feelings you have expressed here. By reading the letter alone, she may not feel as defensive as she would if you were doing it directly and in person. We can even help you critique your letters before giving them to your W's so as to weed out any love busters that might sabotage the intention of your message. Please give it a thought.


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