Oddly enough I found this in an article on TOW and it struck me SO HARD. It's so deep and meanigful it just makes me cry every time I read it. Just wanted to share this with everyone. I haven't been around lately and my life still sucks but I hope you all find this as beautiful and true and as meaningful as I did.

<small>[ February 08, 2004, 12:31 AM: Message edited by: Lovely ]</small>

Wow. A very insightful statement, depending on your frame of reference.

Please tell us - on TOW, was in made in defense of ending one marriage on the basis of what's expected in a new one?

Here's the link to the article where I found this. I have read many an article about the sanctity of marriage and it's value but NONE have struck me so hard as the quote I copied, especially the part about fighting and love. both are so true for me because I'm in so much pain right now.

<small>[ February 08, 2004, 12:31 AM: Message edited by: Lovely ]</small>

Hi DG,

It's a wonderful sentiment but it doesn't appear that too many people believe in it's meaning or similar words or quotes hence all the affairs and high D rate.

Plainly,some people are more than willing and able to throw away such values for the sake of a new found "love".GAG! Just like my WH. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

O

Oh Octobergirl!! I still believe in this 100% right now. these words didn't have any meaning for me either until recently. I haven't been an angel in my past but now I see these words like vivid pictures!! I certaily understand your pain!! Are you and your H reconciling?

((Octobergirl))

Lv DG

Hi DG,

I too believe in those words,and others,I have always felt my marriage and being married was special.I loved "belonging" to only one person,sharing our love with no one else and growing old together.Hopeless romantic I guess you could say.

As for reconciling,no,my WH has not wanted to work on our marriage.He did initially but then somehow he got scared or something happened and he wanted a separation and then I went into Plan B soon thereafter.He is still in contact with the homewrecker(HW) but she lives in Canada so it's hard for them to actually see eachother physically
but they each have made at least one flight out to see eachother since December.

My WH can no longer afford to pay for plane fare so it's up to HW now to make any trips.I think she is pressuring him to get divorced or at least has said,"I will not be involved with you unless you are D".Which is a complete joke.She still is in contact.She is a liar.

I am so glad to be in Plan B because I have been so MAD lately.I keep thinking about the fact that WH was ready to abandon me and our children for this HW that he knew only WEEKS.I can't get past that,not yet because he is still holding onto this HW for whatever reason.Grrr.It's a daily struggle not to walk down to see my lawyer and file. Ok,enough about me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

O

Wow!

<small>[ February 08, 2004, 12:32 AM: Message edited by: Lovely ]</small>

Hi DG,

So,what's the scoop for you? Did your WH leave you to go live with his OW? Is she in another state? Sorry,I don't know your whole story and you don't have a sig line.

I am not even sure that I love my WH anymore.He has done his best to kill any love I had for him.For me,it is more of do I want to go down to the lawyers office and file versus do I want my marriage.Everyday that goes by and my WH still chooses that HW over us makes me more mad and resentful.Not the best place to be in my heart but it is going to carry me through if I ever to get to divorce that's for sure.But no,D is not in my immediate future.As my MIL said to me recently,don't give him the satisfaction! I laughed.

So,that is not to say that I wouldn't work on my marriage if WH finally came out of the fog but we would have a tremendous amount of work to do.I just feel confident in either scenario now.

Plan B has helped my kids too in that they do not know about the adultery,they are too young to know right now and WH is at least somewhat smart enough to know that if he were ever to try and initiate some kind of gathering or meeting with this HW and my daughters I would go ballistic.I wouldn't care how much of an LB it was.I will NEVER let that HW near my girls.His family is right behind me too on that one so I'm so glad to have their support.

How old are your kids?

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

O-girl -

I guess right now he feels he loves her more and the only thing I feel I can do now is just let him figure out on his own if that's what he really wants. I'm not saying I am "waiting" for him to decide the way OW supposedly did but I guess I still have hope that things will turn out in my favor.

<small>[ February 08, 2004, 12:35 AM: Message edited by: Lovely ]</small>

DG,

Ugh.I didn't know your WH fathered a child with that OW.That's hard to deal with.Boy.My WH had a vasectomy so if my WH homewrecker ever wants children,they are out of luck unless they adopt or try to reverse the vas.GROSS! The HW is single,30 years old,lives with her parents and has no responsibilities except her own selfish warped desires. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

It sounds like you should be in Plan B if you have been dealing with this A for so long and being "nice" about it to him(WH),perhaps?

So you have "waited" already at least a year and a half,is that right? Is that how long the A has gone on? It's amazing how these OP hang on isn't it? They are just as deluded as our WS are.

Anyway,life goes on.

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

This woman is also 30 - .

<small>[ February 08, 2004, 12:36 AM: Message edited by: Lovely ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by DIAMOND GIRL:
H even admitted that if there were no OC he never would have left to begin with. I'm split as to whether or not I believe that but we'll never know.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes the OC may be an important factor BUT he's leaving to be with her am I right? If that's the case then you would do well in remaining skeptical about his statement. And on top of this your other 'issue' seems to contradict your beleif about marriage as well or has that been resolved yet?

nO WAY OCTOBER GIRL!

<small>[ February 08, 2004, 12:37 AM: Message edited by: Lovely ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">DIAMOND GIRL:

"Hi TMCMan - yes my other issue remains unresolved at least in the sense that all here would rather have it resolved but you KNOW I can't divulge that. I haven't seen or spoken to the other since the day before I thought my world was crashing. I have been to MIL's house since and she is still just as accpeting of me as ever and it IS best that THAT thing is over.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's good that you have not seen or spoken with the other and I hope that you can maintain NC with him. I agree that your situation is unique in that your H is a man with violent tendencies and because of that, it is best not to reveal the truth to him at this point in time.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">However I still can't fight these feelings of still wanting my marriage back ya know? I mean marriage is supposed to be THE relationship that is SUPPOSED to last forever until death do us part and I can't fight these feelings that it was I (emphasis on I) who failed and only me! I feel like EVERYTHING is ALL MY FAULT! I want to cry SO BAD but I can't because my kids are watching me and by the time I put them to bed the feeling goes away but all day at work and all night till 9pm I am fighting an incredible desire to cry like a big baby!!!"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">(((((((((((BIG brotherly HUG for DG))))))))))))))
<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

DG:

"I feel like EVERYTHING is ALL MY FAULT!"

Taking responsibility for your own shortcomings is liberating. Blaming yourself for "everything" is self-destructive.

"I want to cry SO BAD but I can't because my kids are watching me and by the time I put them to bed the feeling goes away but all day at work and all night till 9pm I am fighting an incredible desire to cry like a big baby!!! "

A certain amount of this is probably good for you. Definitely don't try 2 just hold it in. Try focusing more on your kids and less on the problems. Not just taking care of them, but ac2ally enjoying them - watching their little personalities developing! It can be so beautiful.

My W and I had an interesting convo with our 16-yr old son. We're both professional scientists, and our kids have at various times felt like they've got a lot 2 "live up 2." We told him that that isn't the case, that he's who he is with his own interests. I pointed out that I'm so proud of his piano playing. He's gone far beyond any ability I ever had there. He plays very well, it's a joy 2 listen 2 him. He's not me. He's not even an extension of me. But just taking a moment now and then 2 appreciate him for who he's becoming can be very rewarding - and comforting. Takes my thoughts away from my own perceived insurmountable problems - which they really aren't, in the scheme of things.

take care,
-ol' 2long