stunned,

No harm no foul chere!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Actually, I'm from New Orleans *yikes* not a place you'rr fond of for sure. I'm living in Houston right now.

Anyway...according to Harley...exposure and the consequences of exposure are not love busters even though they are bound to cause a withdrawal.

I personally really like a stepped approach to exposure...especiall when the stakes are so high....so I do understand your misgivings.

I told him i wanted him to resign and move to another state. He said he does not want to

I am going into plan B after i expose to OW parents.

I cannot help him in Plan A anymore. I am losing it ... the feeling for him, the respect and the love. Last night when i spoke to him, i feel he is completely lost. He cannot make a decision. He admited AGAIN he cannot let OW go and at the same time he does not want to lose us. He has seen OW twice. Both times completely telling me out in the open that he is meeting OW without any feeling of guilty although i firmly told him it is HURTING me.

His excuse for going out lunch with OW yesterday afternoon was because I canceled my lunch appointment with him. *DISGUSTED*

I just cannot go on with WS anymore. Last night he wanted to make love. I cannot do it. Before the last two days i was still okay and was doing a reasonably okay Plan A. But after meeting OW and WS openingly go out with her twice without any care for my feelings. I lost whatever respect i have in him.

He is a pig, a monster and the worst scum in the whole of this earth. I cannot believe i am still living with him.

I am giving him Plan B letter tonight. I cannot live another minute with him. I am a strong and determine woman but i cannot control my hurt and pain any longer. I tried so hard but the last two days was too much for me to bear.

A quick HOWDY to Star...
I work for a giant corp. A young single woman here went to the HR director. Said she had an A with an upper level married guy here. He broke it off, she was devastated, and wanted to be transferred. They fired him THAT DAY.

She didn’t claim harassment or coercion, or anything. The company is so paranoid about future lawsuits; there was no question about getting rid of him. They are bending over backwards to keep this woman happy.

I am in a position to know this wasn’t rumor... this IS what happened. If that girl says anything to any kind of management, management will be liable in future lawsuits ("they KNEW").

The management here didn't know if this guy had done it before, but they (unofficially) assumed he had, and would, again. Just my 2 cents - Dru

Zizzy, I am sorry. - Dru

<small>[ February 09, 2004, 12:20 PM: Message edited by: Drucilla ]</small>

I met OW mom.

Turn out she was a very nice and understanding lady. She told me she suspected something not right for something already. She assures me she will not allow her daughter to continue this affair. She said she herself is catholic and believes in marriage and God. She said she understand what i have to go through.

Later i thought i had better warn WS spouse about my meeting with OW mom so i set up to meet him for morning coffee. When i met him it turn out OW mom already called her daughter and OW told WS first.

WS was furious. Told me that i had done my objective of destroying the both of them. WS said he is moving out from home completely today. He said he saw the priest and he actually wanted to end the A but i was not patience enough to wait. He said now it is too late.

Now that all these things had happen i am not sure about implementing plan B yet. Should i wait?

I know i said all that how i cannot stand living with him anymore etc etc but that crazy mad fever has mellow down a bit after meeting OW mom.

zizzy,

I didn't think you were ready for Plan B anyway....so yes...please stay in Plan A, stop love busting, and help your husband see you as an attractive alternative to this affair.

dru....Howdy to you too! I hear the story you describe everyday. H works in a big corporation and it's become a real powder keg everywhere Most places are just going zero tolerance on office romance...and you're right...they don't care if it's consensual or not. The liability is just to scary for companies anymore. Hopefully....the OW's mother will help this situation and her H will keep his job.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But you seem to be suggesting that she should consider not revealing the A on the chance things can be worked out without revealing. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are right and wrong...geesh I should be a politician! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I do fear the consequences of making a big deal of it at work especially if it comes with a demand for the OW's resignation.

However I must confess I was not aware her husband was still as actively in the fog as he appears to be...so my bad for not becoming familiar with zizzy's whole story before inserting my keyboard in my mouth.

I do think the prudent step would be to start with the mother first. Perhaps then his key buddies in the company.

If apparently he is hell bent on staying with the OW then she has nothing to lose by putting it in the company newsletter as a last resort.

stunned,

I too like a "stepped" approach to exposure....but it should still be done as quickly as possible because it does cause so much conflict and such big withdrawals. Plus, you don't want the word to get out ahead of you because you are moving so slowly that folks have a chance to get used to the idea of them as a "couple" yuck. You want to make hay while the sun shines so to speak. If the limited exposure works and the livelihood of the spouse can be preserved that is ideal. If it doesn't change the situation, avoid contact, or defog anybody....then sometimes, you just have no choice but to really let the light come flooding in....let the chips fall, and pick up the pieces.

He came home last night and did not pack up and leave as he had threatened to do.

However the fog is as strong as ever and i feel it is even stronger since i met OW. I asked him if he is ready to end the A. This was his answer...he said he tried calling and SMS OW but NO reply. He said how can he decide when he have not heard from her yet. DUH!!! Now that is definately a fog talking person!

I asked him if he had notice the changes in me and he said yes. He said he still loves me and i am a good woman but he cannot seemed to fight his emotions for OW.

He is still thickly stuck in the fog. I am going ahead with Plan B tonight. I think i have reach that point where i feel my love for him is depleting very fast.

Just curious, what is his company policy on romantic entanglements for single employees?

Where my H worked the rule was that if 2 single employees got "together" to the point of moving in with each other or marriage, that one of the 2 had to quit. Has he even contemplated that?

Also, be aware that it takes a lifetime to build respect and 2 seconds to lose it. All respect that his bosses have for him and the work he does will likely be lost as soon as they find out. No matter how well you think they like him or need him, they will feel that if he can lie to his wife, then he won't have any qualms about lying to them. If he can stab the lady he loved enough to marry in the back so easily, then wouldn't it be much easier to stab one of them? If I were his boss, he would go immediately from the asset category to the liability category. But then, that's what he truly deserves.

zizzy -
Your H sounds like mine - in the fog big time. He told me he is trying to have NC with OW, but darn, she keeps showing up in his bed. And this has been going on since July.

I know you are getting the best advice from experienced MBer's, but I realize how you feel too. Plan B will give you some peace. I got to the point of not feeling any love for my H - he hurt me too many times. But since being in Plan B, when I do have contact with him, it is very easy to talk now. But it may be that I just don't care anymore.

Jamup...there is no such policy in the company. I believe there is enough expose in the company now. Last WS told me he confided in another colleague about the A so now there is two who knows in there. The big boss doesn't know yet. I think i will see how plan B goes first before i do anything else.

Believer...My WS left this evening. Less than one hour later he SMS me. I have not replied. It was hard not to. Why do you still have contact with your WH? I thought Plan B means complete NC with WS...isn't it?

I told WS during plan B i don't want him to contact me until he is ready to reconcile. And since experiencing sooooo many false recovery...i told him not to talk but write me a letter. If after i read the letter and i feel that he is sincere than we can meet and talk about it. I thought this way i don't have to break my non contact and get my hope dashed again.

The hard part is sticking to the Plan. I think if i keep thinking about all the fog talking he has made so far it does help me to keep to my Plan B.

Also i keep telling myself, total darkness is the only way to win him back. Its only been 3 hours...i hope i make it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Zizzy -
Just follow my example - of what NOT to do. I am a horrible Plan B'er. My H is deeply in the fog. I went into Plan B in October. H came over a few times, and I locked the door and left him on the front porch.

Then he stayed away and I didn't call him for 3 months. I got better and stronger. I saw that life can be good again.

He came back at the end of December and wanted to reconcile, said OW was out of the picture. I almost let him move back in. Everyone here saved me - telling me NOOOOOOOOO! Two days later I found his house, and caught H and OW together in bed.

I had a hard time getting back into Plan B. Over the last month I've seen him twice (once drove by his house to get address to forward mail while he was supposed to be at work - caught them in bed again).

So my point is that Plan B works, even though I've had a lot of trouble sticking to it. There is a great post here about flying by instruments - I will look for it. It explains Plan B very well.

Here it is (as posted by Amy Maree 2/7/04)

As quoted in one of my books, I have to fly using my instrument panel. Meaning, I can't see what is going on, it is dark and stormy, and the only way I can get where I want to go is to watch my instruments (stick to my plan, read my books, make myself happy) and not concentrate on what is going on outside the airplane, because it is confusing and disorienting and will cause me to crash if I focus on it. Does that make sense? That was from a book the counselor at my church recommended called "Love Life for Every Married Couple" by Ed Wheat. It even has a chapter on how to make your marriage work when you are the only one who wants it to work. It actually follows a lot of the stuff on this site. You've probably already read it!

I really think this describes it perfectly. She is in Plan A, but it works for Plan B too. I'm going to think this way from now on.

Hi Zizzy,
I'm sorry we got too OT on the job stuff. There is no such 'policy' at my company, either... It's just they way they operate now for fear of lawsuits. And in no way did I want to imply that the fear of his firing should keep you from revealing... I think he fully deserves any fallout.

One thing to consider though, you may WANT him highly employed if you have to divorce him.

I understand being mad as hell, and going to plan B. I see the walls crashing in on your H... hopefully it will be a quick one. Please take care - Dru

So, why not file charges of adultery against the other woman? I am seriously thinking along those lines. Seems it would be pretty easy to prove. Yes your H will have to be charged too, oh well! My H was involved with a co-worker, actually his superior on occasion. He quit because they worked so closely. He was willing to give up his retirement, raises, etc., etc. I told him if we were going to make our marriage work then they could not work together! There is no way it will work. He would be tempted and I would constantly worry about what they were doing from the time he left home until he returned. Because, he lied to me so many times during the A! At his company if found guilty of a felony or misdeameanor (an affair is a M in California), there are consequences he will have to face from the company policy/guidelines. You might check into his.

So, if you charge her with adultery it may change her mind about staying there!!

Hope it helps!

Any advise for me and the adultery charges?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So, why not file charges of adultery against the other woman? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If I am understanding zizzy correctly the other woman is single. State statutes on adultery apply to married persons only.

Hey there,

Been keeping up with your story a bit. Have some questions...

Have you written a Plan B letter? Very important!!!

Excellent job talking with the OW's Mom. And his reaction to that was not out of the ordinary.

Do you have a plan? How long are you willing to stay in Plan B? As long as it takes? 1 year, 2 year, more? It shouldn't go that long, 6 months is the average length. But let's face it, not all M on here reconcile. The reason I ask this, is that you may want to expose to work in certain situations. Lay out a plan and it will keep you from making knee jerk, emotional decisions. At least it helps me...

Do, do, do, work on a Plan B letter. Plan B doesn't really start until the letter is sent.

Right now he thinks he has the control of moving out, and when he'll move back. A Plan B letter lets him know he can't just move back without first some very basic requirements...it puts the pressure on him.

A Plan B letter is a love letter, and spells out the path to follow to come home.

Copied one of those good example plan B letter in here and gave him on the 1st day.

I think i will do plan B for 6 months max.

Since i am in black out now (3rd day in Plan B) i do not know what has happened to him and OW. I went into Plan B the day after i expose to OW parents. I still have last card to play...expose to managing director(big boss)...i don't think they will fire him. i am pretty comfortable that he won't get fired but it is another story on whether he can bear the knowledged that everyone knows. Not only that is embrassing for OW but it will also be embrassing to WS. I am not sure he can deal with that.

I have reach that point where i will not do any more expose from here onwards. I don't want to ruin his career so i can have him back. I have reach that point where i don't care anymore. If he decided not to come back than i will accept it. I love him enough to let him go if that is what he really wants.

I am giving 6 months in plan B than i will decide what to do after that.

I believe the law reads that a single woman/man can be charged if the spouse of the married person charges them. (he/she is the only one that can file charges). The (husband-in my case) will also have to be charged.

Anyone out there know anymore about it?