I am a new poster here but I have been lurking for awhile. I guess the reason I have decided to finally post my story is because I want to move on with my life. I'll give you a brief history of my story. For the past 2 years I have been involved in a PA with an older man, a coworker. My H knows (dday was Dec. 19, I told him) and he has been supportive. It's been a rough time with my depression and guilt and H's shock at what I told him. Since dday, I have not been physically involved with OM but I still continue to be emotionally involved. I sent OM a NC letter shortly after dday but that didn't last too long. I don't initiate contact with OM but when my work phone rings and I see it's his #, I can't stop myself from picking up the phone. During these conversations, I no longer say "I love you" or anything intimate with OM. OM still continues to send me emails and voicemails occassionally. All in all, our contact is alot less than it was when we were involved, but it still continues none the less. My H doesn't know of this contact, and I feel horrible that I can't seem to stop it. I know that sounds like an excuse and I know I'm an adult and that I control my actions but I feel like such a weak person. I tell myself that if he calls I should ignore it, but then when he does I can't stop myself. It's an addiction, I know. My problem is that I don't seem to know how to stop it. I mean, I know that there has to be NC in order for the addiction to go away, but how do I get the strength to stop the contact? I guess the hardest thing for me is that I spent 2 years with this person, giving him all my time and energy. In that 2 years, we came to know each other very well. (OM is married but currently seperated and supposedly seeking divorce). I miss not knowing what's going on in OM's life and I miss how I would feel when I was around OM. I read an article by Shirley Glass and she said that when she's talking to people who have A's, she doesn't question why they did it but what it was that they liked about themselves while they were involved in the A. I have tried to answer this question and I guess the answer to that is that I liked being the center of his world, I liked all the attention and I liked how I felt special and pretty and loved. As I said, the OM is older than me (he is 53) and my first reaction to him when I knew him before our A started was that I wasn't attracted to him. It was only after I saw that he was interested in me and how I could get that positive feedback from him that I started to fall for him. I certainly didn't find OM attractive before our A and honestly I don't find him all that attractive now. It's just that I like how he dotes on me and I like feeling like I'm his world. I know that's a very selfish thing and I wish that I could stop these feelings, but I don't know how to go about it. I've tried going to IC and it hasn't really helped alot. My H is a wonderful man who tells me he loves me all the time and he tells me I'm beautiful, etc. The problem is that when he says it, it doesn't have the same effect as it does coming from OM.
I told OM that I didn't want contact anymore and there hasn't been any now for 2 days, but the problem is that I find myself checking my email and voicemail for messages from him in spite of this. I'm tired of being a victim to this A and I don't want to be anymore. I talk to my H about my feelings, but it's hard for him to understand and I don't think it's really his job to have to understand my stupid thinking. How do I get to the point where I don't feel like I have to be validated by OM anymore? How can I start feeling good about myself without getting that from OM? How do I tell him I don't want contact anymore and then really mean it and stop checking my email and voicemail for messages from him? It's almost like I tell him that I don't want him to contact me but then subconsciously I want him to because this will tell me somehow that I am the love of his life and that he can't live without me. I want to feel this way about my H, not about OM and I know I'm rambling and probably sound like a selfish, spoiled brat but I really am here to try to figure out what it is about myself that makes me unable to let go. I'm sorry this is so long but if there's anyone out there, any WS who's felt this before, please help me. I'm tired of being trapped by my own insecurities and I want to learn how to validate myself.

I am not good at message boards sorry I hit enter accidentally again! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

<small>[ February 08, 2004, 11:06 AM: Message edited by: mrsx ]</small>

You sound like you really want to end this and work on your marriage. There are some steps you can take to help you get there.

FIRST, you must tell your husband of the continued contact. This is vital to the recovery of your marriage, and you must be accountable to him and be honest with him.

It seems that the major problem is that the OM is contacting YOU, and not the other way around, correct? OK, here is what you must do. First, disable the existing email account. Close it and get a new account with a new name that OM does not know about. Same situation for the phone calls. If he is calling you on your cell, get the number changes; if at home, you can do the same thing.

The point is, if you truly want to work on your marriage and end this outside relationship, you must do the work. You must establish protective barriers that prevent the outsider (OM) from getting through. And, with your H, you must form a strong team, a wall, that cannot be penetrated by anyone from the outside.

Good luck to you and your husband. YOu can do this! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hi, I don't have any advice to offer, I just ended my A this week. I just want you to know that you are not the only one who is going through this. I know EXACTLY how you feel. I could have wrote your post almost to the letter!

The one thing that I have done in a positive direction besides being honest w/my H is that I have deleted all email accounts that OM knows and changed my cell phone number. OM has no way to contact me anymore unless he does it through my job or home, in which case I will have H pay him a little visit to deter him from any further contact. I think if we leave the channels of communication open, we really are just anticipating the next time OM contacts us. We are leaving ourselves available to OM.

I have to admit that since eliminating the channels of communication, I do feel a little more free from the addiction of the A. I am beginning to see that what I thought was true unrequited love IS really just an addiction. If a junkie stops going to the places where he used to get drugs, and stops communication with his dealer, he has a better shot of overcoming his addiction to drugs. Of course that is only the first step, because basically the only way to get over an addiction is to work on what brought you to it in the first place and fix that. That is the harder work, from what I am seeing here at MB.
Facing and learning who you are, and that is what you seem to want to do right now.

I realize that like any bad habit or addiction, such as smoking, drinking or using drugs, you have to really WANT to quit in order to take the steps necessary to get on with your life. Otherwise, we are still using the addiction as a means to avoid looking at the real isses that have caused you to enter into an A.

Again, I have no real tried and true solutions for you, because I am just now beginning to peek through the fog and into reality, but I just want you to know that there are definitely people here that are in or who have been in our situation, and many of them have been able to successfully end their A's and repair their marriages. The stories I read here are so inspiring. There are some really incredible people here and there is tons of resources and support to help.

And btw, you are NOT a *stupidgirl*.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mrsx:
<strong>oops duplicate post! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Thank you Sparkle and Mrsx for taking the time to respond to my post. It's been hard but so far I've taken a few steps to prevent OM from contacting me. We used to text page each other through our pagers and a huge step for me was shutting off my pager. I did that about 1 week ago and I haven't turned it on since. I also have shut off my cell phone so he can't directly call me through that but I still have voicemail in which he can leave me messages. As I said in my previous post, I really want to stop letting him consume me. The biggest thing I need help with is making a final goodbye. I know there is nothing that I'll be able to say or do to make the final goodbye any easier but I don't know how to put closure on it so that I don't continue to look for messages from him. I know that I have to close off all lines of communication from him, but I guess I was looking for a way to put closure on this before I did that so that I'm not wondering for the rest of my life if he still thinks about me, etc.
As I read through my posts, I realize how pathetic I must sound to most of you. Please know that I am a fairly intelligent person who used to have her head on straight but for some reason I am childlike and immature when it comes to this.
Mrsx- I have been following your posts and I read about how you resumed contact with OM in December and you said that you wanted him to come to you and tell you that you're the love of his life, etc. etc etc. This is how I feel and it's these feelings that I want to stop. I don't want to worry about if he's thinking about me or if he will always love me, etc. I know that I can't begin to heal until I stop caring about what he's thinking or doing. How do you get to that point??
I know I have to tell my H about the continued contact. I was hoping that somehow I'd be able to go to him with a reason as to why I think I need OM's validation to feel good about myself. I know it's hard for my H to understand. He's always been a self confident person and he doesn't understand why I lack confidence. In fact, I don't understand why I lack confidence. It's all such a mess and I feel that if I could understand things that were going on with me better that then I might be able to stop leaning on OM for these feelings.
Thanks again for taking the time to respond to my post......

I don't know how to stop feeling the way we do for the OM. I do understand that feelings are definitely not always rational and the only things we can control is our actions.

There are two things that are motivating me to end the A and rebuild the happy marriage I know I once had:

1. I just cannot physically and mentally handle the emotional rollercoaster. Physically: I have lost 15 pounds since starting the A and trust me I didn't need to lose it. I started smoking again after almost 2 years of being a non-smoker. I haven't been consistent with my fitness regimine (I am a body-builder). I have been either sleeping an hour a night for weeks at a time or 18 hrs a day for weeks at a time. Emotionally: I am stressed out beyond belief, I cry very often, I tremble, I cannot concentrate on ANYTHING. I have a short temper, no patience for anyone, and have been totally apathetic to my M and H.

2. The apathy toward my H is starting to turn into something else that I am not sure how to define. But even though I cannot define it I think it is positive because H EXISTS again to me. I care how he feels again. When I look at him I see the pain in his eyes, I see the way he no longer stands tall and confident, he looks so lost and insecure. I have never in 11 years with him seen him cry until recently because of what I have done to him. He didn't just cry, he WAILED. He totally lost it, and because of what I have done. And in spite of everything I have done to him, and how I destroyed him, he still loves me, he is so sweet to me, he hugs and kisses me tells me he loves me, he STILL WANTS TO MAKE LOVE TO ME. I mean this man must really love me if he can still want to make love to me after knowing that I allowed another man to touch me.

I cannot continue to throw away the best thing that has ever happened to me, which is my H NOT my OM. My H is blowing me away with his acts of kindness and love. Even if I am still in the fog of my A I would be stupid if I didn't give H the respect he deserves and at least make an attempt to try to do what I can to fix what I have broken.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"I don't understand why I lack confidence."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you think it may be low self-esteem?

Mrsx- I feel exactly the same way. In spite of everything that I have done to hurt my H, he still loves me and it hurts him to see me hurting. He is such a wonderful man, so unselfish and forgiving and I truly wish that I could be like him. In spite of everything, he still stands by my side and tells me that I have made a mistake but that he wants to help me feel better. I can't believe that in spite of his pain, he cares about my selfish pain as well. I truly have been blessed with him.
I know what you mean about it having a toll on your body both physically and emotionally. I'm so tired of constantly feeling sad and feeling lost and worrying if he still thinks about me, etc. I hate it, I really do. It's eating me alive and I sometimes wish I could just go into a coma for 6 months and wake up and then forget that he even existed. I know I deserve what I'm feeling because I chose my actions and now I must deal with them.
TMCM- Yes, it is definately a lack of self esteem. I don't know why I have this and most people would never believe me if I told them I had a low self esteem. Outwardly I come across as very confident and friendly (almost a flirt, I guess) but inwardly I have no confidence. I get my validation based on how others react to me. One of the IC's I saw had mentioned that because I have been with my H for so long (dating at 16, married at 21) that I never got a chance to date and "sow my oates" so to speak. I never got a chance to be swooned over and get that out of my system. He said that most people date alot and get that out of their system before getting married and so when they do get married, they are ready to settle down. He thinks that because I didn't get a chance to do this that maybe that's coming back to haunt me now. I don't know, I guess it makes sense and all but then how do I fix it? That's the thing with counselors, they point out possible things that are wrong but they never offer how to fix it or change the behavior. As I said, during the A, it wasn't that I had this huge crush on the OM and that I was physically attracted to him. It was more about the feelings and how I felt when I was with him. It felt good to be wanted and needed and loved by someone. It was almost like a power that I felt I had. But, the stupid thing is that I am wanted and needed and loved by my H but it doesn't give me the same "rush" so to speak. How do I figure out how to make myself happy without seeking it from others?
I wish that I could find someone (IC) who could really understand what I felt and who had some real solutions on how to rebuild my self esteem and make myself happy rather than depending on others to do it. I have read every self help book ever printed and I still have yet to find anything that really fits my feelings. Maybe I'm just a hopeless case.
Thanks for posting.

Hello,

This is just my thought but you are such a lucky woman and yet you do not seem to realize it. I have a hunch if your husband said I have been thinking that I want to go to a lawyer and end this marriage and find someone who will respect and love me in the future; I bet you feelings for the OM would end quite quickly. Many men would have walked away from a wife who has been having sex with another man for two years and having sex with the husband as well. Many husbands would be thinking what were you thinking when you celebrated your annivarsaries at this time? How was it possible for her to lie to me so well for two years? These two years were a lie of a marriage.

The bottom line is that it sounds like you have a terrific husband who truly loves and respects you.
After his finding all of this out you continue to be in contact with the OM and continue not to tell your husband and then continue to say you need final closure and validation from this OM?
I think if the roles were reversed you would be crushed from your husband's actions and probably throw him out. I think a problem is that your husband is too forgiving and actually enabling you to continue on this path. It seems there has been no consequences to your actions and therefore no motivation for you to change. Close your eyes and imagine yourself divorced because this is where you are headed. One day your husband may say to himself enough is enough. Is this what you want? I doubt it so stop hurting a husband that loves you or down the line you just might push him over the line. I wish you luck.
I am so sorry this is harsh but somebody has to say this to you.

BryanP,
Thank you for your reply, it wasn't harsh at all, it was realistic. I know that if my H were to tell me he wanted a divorce that I would get the wake up call I need. I have imagined myself without him in my life and it's not a good picture. I think it's hard to really understand what my H is going through because I have never felt that same betrayal before, but I try to be sympathetic. As the old saying goes 'you don't know what you got til it's gone', well, I do know what I've got but I don't know how to appreciate and value it. There's another saying that I think of when I think of my H "noone is worth crying over and the only one who is will never make you cry". That's so true, my H has never made me cry and yet look what I've done to him. Believe me, the guilt is bad and I feel horrible for the pain I've caused him. I need to get over this addiction and start valuing what I do have in life and that's what I'm asking for help with.

SG:

You are *so* lucky to have a husband who's willing to try to work through this with you.

To help keep the temptation of contact with the OM at bay, I'd recommend you contact your cellular and pager service providers to have your phone numbers changed. I have changed my number before and my provider did so at no charge. It only took one phone call and a few minutes of my time.

If OM doesn't have your contact numbers, you'll HAVE to stop waiting for his calls and you can't be influenced by voicemail or text messages! Please consider taking this extra precaution to remove even the POTENTIAL for contact.

Best of luck to you and your hubby!

Hello again,

It does sound like you are trying to understand and get it but I know it is difficult to understand what your husband is going through because you have said you have never gone through a betrayal yourself. I don't know if this will help your understand but since you love your husband maybe it will. Imagine almost everynight closing your eyes and having images of your husband having sex with his lover. Imagine that these images are played over and over again in your mind. These are the images your husband suffers. When he is making love to you he is wondering are you comparing him to the OM? Are you thinking of the OM? Did you do the same things or different things with the OM? etc.
I think you get the idea.
It is like a knife slowing turning in the pit of your stomach. I think if you could spend one hour in the mind of your husband then you would realize the horrible pain he is suffering but it seems he is keeping it buried so as not to hurt you. I know if you could get in his mind you would be shocked and sickened that you would have such power to inflict such pain on another person. You have been very fortunate in your life not to have suffered this. In a way it is too bad because I think if you had you would never have done this. I wish you luck and hope your husband will allow himself to open up to you and share what he is feeling so you will stop once and for all what you are doing and what you are risking. I do wish you luck.

IMO, the problem I see is that the nice husbands of SG/Mrs.X are taken for granted when they treat their wives with love and respect. These women do not appreciate being treated like respectable virtuous women and tend to gravitate toward the "bad boy" type of men who treat them like tramps. The drama makes them feel alive. In comparison their nice loving husbands are viewed as boring and not very macho.

Hi again,
Shortly after I told my H of the A, we attended a Retrouvaille and while we were there it was really the first time my H opened up to me about his feelings. While you're there you do alot of writing and journaling type stuff then you let your spouse read what you wrote. During this, I learned just how deeply I hurt my H. It helped me to understand where he was at with everything and to open my eyes to the devastation and pain I've caused and because of this I know, without a doubt, I will never start up the physical part of this A again. The part I seem to be having a much harder time saying goodbye to is the emotional part, I don't know why. Again, I think it's because I'm scared to say goodbye completely and not have that affirmation coming from OM anymore. I need to find a way to feel this from my H and to also make myself happy.
I am going to call the cell phone company tomorrow and see if I can change my # without getting a new phone. This is a huge step for me and I'm sure it's hard to understand but I'm really scared about letting go of this. After that, I'm going to work on getting up the courage to close my email account. I'm taking this in baby steps and trying to take one day at a time, one hurdle at a time. Thanks for your support everyone, it really helps to hear other who have been there, done that.

Hi again,
Shortly after I told my H of the A, we attended a Retrouvaille and while we were there it was really the first time my H opened up to me about his feelings. While you're there you do alot of writing and journaling type stuff then you let your spouse read what you wrote. During this, I learned just how deeply I hurt my H. It helped me to understand where he was at with everything and to open my eyes to the devastation and pain I've caused and because of this I know, without a doubt, I will never start up the physical part of this A again. The part I seem to be having a much harder time saying goodbye to is the emotional part, I don't know why. Again, I think it's because I'm scared to say goodbye completely and not have that affirmation coming from OM anymore. I need to find a way to feel this from my H and to also make myself happy.
I am going to call the cell phone company tomorrow and see if I can change my # without getting a new phone. This is a huge step for me and I'm sure it's hard to understand but I'm really scared about letting go of this. After that, I'm going to work on getting up the courage to close my email account. I'm taking this in baby steps and trying to take one day at a time, one hurdle at a time. Thanks for your support everyone, it really helps to hear others who have been there, done that.

Sorry, I double posted there (oops).
Yosh, I just wanted to reply to your post, we must have been posting at the same time. I do agree with what you said about missing the "drama" in the relationships with our H's. What is it though that is so appealing about this drama? Is it that our lives are so boring that this is the only way we can feel alive? I admit that I have taken my H for granted and I am certainly not proud of it. He is 1000 times the man that OM is and he certainly deserves to be treated like it. I want excitment with my H and I want to be able to be at a party and look across and see my H and feel my heart skip a beat. I love him with all my heart, I just need to make sure that my mind knows that as well.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by yosh:
<strong> These women do not appreciate being treated like respectable virtuous women and tend to gravitate toward the "bad boy" type of men who treat them like tramps... In comparison their nice loving husbands are viewed as boring and not very macho. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yosh:

I've read a few of your posts and I have to wonder... are you a psychiatrist or psychologist or certified counselor or social worker? You post in a somewhat authoritative tone, but your opinions are often painfully ignorant and uninformed. You speak harshly and with conviction, but I personally have always interpreted your comments as angry rantings by an embittered woman-hater. I'm not saying that to be mean; that's just how your posts make me feel. I'd like to understand your angle, though. So... what gives? Are you a BH? 'Cause it sure comes across to me that you were hurt very badly and have never healed.

<small>[ February 08, 2004, 04:49 PM: Message edited by: Culprit007 ]</small>

I second what culrpit said.I too am curious what YOUR story is yosh.Your posts are like hit and runs.You pop in here and there with a response that is usually equated to get a divorce,move on and that's it,end of discussion.

I feel as though even WS's and OW/OM deserve some compassion here if they are truly trying to make their lives and their marriages better.I have not found your responses to be that helpful either.They seem to be mere statements instead of solid advice.

Sorry stupidgirl, don't mean to threadjack here.

O

yosh,
i suppose in some way this is correct. i struggled my whole life trying to get attention and approval from my father who was (oh my gosh) involved in an extramarital affair for 18 years (since i was 4 years old). it ended when i was 22. in that time nothing existed to him except the OM and i hated her and resented her and hated myself because i felt that i wasn't worthy of his love since no matter what i did i couldn't get it. she was, in his eyes, beautiful and perfect. i could never compete. she was married too, and finally went back to her poor H and i can't imagine how he still took her back after all those years of the A but he did. anyway, the most incredible thing i have found is that Mr.Y is so much like my father it's scary. He's self-centered, narcissistic, controlling, demanding, manipulative, a liar and a cheat. I wonder if there is a subconscious desire to find the love i never had from my father through OM. To get closure thru OM???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
The thing that is weird is H is the exact OPPOSITE of my father, of OM. And for ten years I cherished him and loved him. Then when I met OM, i forgot H existed. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by yosh:
<strong> IMO, the problem I see is that the nice husbands of SG/Mrs.X are taken for granted when they treat their wives with love and respect. These women do not appreciate being treated like respectable virtuous women and tend to gravitate toward the "bad boy" type of men who treat them like tramps. The drama makes them feel alive. In comparison their nice loving husbands are viewed as boring and not very macho. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">