Hi, Let me start by saying this is my first post, I have reading some of your other stories and am so glad I am not alone!! Let me brief you on my situation (I will try to make this short as possible). I have been married for 11 years, since I was 17, we have an 11 and 4 year old daughters. I have never been unfaithful to my husband, until now. I have been working with a guy for about 5 years now and we have gotten to become really good friends. I secretly had a crush (I guess you would call it that) on him for quite some time. Maybe not a crush just maybe attracted. Anyways last November he revealed the same to me, oh and by the way he is also married and has been for 15 years. We didn't really do anything except talk about it and kissed once because we both knew that nothing good comes out of affairs. To make a long story short, over the past couple of months we have only talked about it. But last week we took that step and slept together. Now, Him and I are on totally different levels with our feelings. He, who has never had an affair either feels awful about what happened and does not want to go any further with this. And I on the other hand want him more now. I have not had anybody but my husband my whole life and now I feel that I may have somehow in a weird way let myself get attached to this other guy emotionally, I am embarressed to say that, but I feel like I want to be with him so bad and the fact that he is telling me that we shouldn't have done it makes me feel rejected. And even with my husband I have been feeling so disattached to him, He has been trying to be intimate with me and I just don't want him to touch me. What is wrong with me??? What have I done to my marriage? I am so scared that I won't have feeling for my husband again like I used to. And to top it all off, I don't really feel bad, am I just a ruthless, selfish wife??? Please give me some advice on what I am feeling.

Tammy,

I was betrayed by my wife. I can assure you that it is the most emotionally painful thing to have ever happened to me.

Please get yourself into counseling ASAP, and then tell your husband the truth about your affair with this man. And it was an affair, at first an EA and then a PA. Affairs are one of the cruelest and most selfish things a person can do. And you did it to your husband and the father of your children. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> No doubt you have also lied to him regarding your relationship with this man.

Why are you so enamored of a man who cheats on his wife and makes the decision to help destroy the marriage of other people? He doesn't sound like much of a catch to me.

Your husband deserves to know the truth and you both deserve to rebuild the marriage, if you both choose to do so, on a stronger basis so there will be no more affairs for either of you.

<small>[ February 08, 2004, 07:29 PM: Message edited by: *doorstop* ]</small>

Doorstop,
Thanks for your honesty. I needed that. Trust me I understand what you mean by it being the most painful thing to endure. My H did have an affair about 8 or 9 years ago. I DO know the pain. I think that is the most painful thing that I have every gone through. So I guess the selfishness just takes over when you are the one on the spot. I know that it needs to stop and I that in time I will have some guilt out of all of this. But to be honest with you, I don't want to tell my H about it. Why do I want to confess something that he doesn't have to know that will hurt him. I mean if we end the affair and deal with it personally, why tell him, hurt him and possibly lose him? I don't know how he would react to it. How does the saying go, what you don't know won't hurt you?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TammyV:
<strong> Doorstop,
Why do I want to confess something that he doesn't have to know that will hurt him.

<snip>
How does the saying go, what you don't know won't hurt you? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oooohhh Boy! Here it comes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I will let other more experienced people explain it to you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Tammy, remember you did ask "Why?".

<small>[ February 08, 2004, 08:57 PM: Message edited by: *doorstop* ]</small>

Why do I want to confess something that he doesn't have to know that will hurt him.
Why don’t you leave a splinter in your daughters finger? It’s gonna hurt to remove it. (This is a rhetorical question. Something to think about.)

I mean if we end the affair
Because if your husband doesn’t know about it, it will NOT end.

As you wrote earlier, “And even with my husband I have been feeling so disattached to him, He has been trying to be intimate with me and I just don't want him to touch me. .”

and deal with it personally,
So you think this person, who you had sex with, without your husband knowing, would be the best choice to help you through this?
Didn’t you get married with the idea that you HUSBAND is the one for you to ALWAYS lean on?

why tell him, hurt him
It’snot the telling that will hurt him. It is the lies and the betrayal itself. And that has already been done.

and possibly lose him?
You don’t even want him now, why are you worried about losing him?
(See previous quote above)

It is very simple. You are in a FOG and until you get out of it you will not understand why you have to tell him or why the affair has to end. But, in my opinion, the affair will not really end until you tell him.

This thought process just blows me away! Why stand up in front of a church and promise to love and cherish to go sleep with some OP? To me this makes no sense. You need to get into counciling asap.

Not to mention the children, I could not bring myself to the point ruining my marriage and damaging my children for some no meaning sex.

How proud will your kids be of a parent who was dishonest and sleeps around. Think about that next time you get desires for the OM.

My 2 x 4 is out and swinging.