Thanks Sohard and Suzet for your replys too! Where else could I go for such sound advice and words of encouragement from people who do know what I and my H are going through. Thank so much for taking the time to listen and respond.

Lisa,

Your thanks warms my heart. I must tell you however, I have never been the WS nor the BS. I have had a few experiences in my life that were not that happy, but not the type you and your H are having to face.

I came to this site for different reasons many years ago. I am after all Just Learning. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I really and truely am.

And that is the point, you and your H need to learn and see what you have and had before either of you throws it away.

I do know this Lisa. People are far stronger than they give themselves credit for, or that their spouses often give them credit for. At the same time I have met few people in my life, that did not flourish in a partnership where care, consideration, and respect were major components.

If you look closely that is what I am telling you. It doesn't take experiencing great pain to learn this, but I have been around for awhile, and learning about people is something I have always done, although interestingly it is NOT my profession.

I have also learned something else watching many friends go through divorce. There have been a few times when I felt is was warrented, but was probably wrong. But, most of the time the partners did NOT do any better than the person they were married to and often far worse. Why? Well, while people change and needs come and go, and feelings surely come and go, the things about a person that attracted you enough to want to marry them are still there.

I don't know if you watch Dr. Phil. Since it is on at 8 PM where I live I do get to see it. He has a family he has been working with. The H and W are two very messed up people. He asked them to take a series of surveys. You should have seen the shock on their faces when he pointed out that they had the same needs, that in many ways they were very similar. We pick our spouses for many reasons and then as the years pass we forget.

That is why I came here. I had forgotten. But, reading here, back when there was only one site to post, and seeing all of the pain, and listening to the discussions, I learned. I remembered what I had forgotten.

What I am telling you to do is remember what you have forgotten. Your H is much more than your friend (which is how I viewed my W <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ), he is much stronger than you think,AND you could do much worse than to go through your life with a friend by your side. He brings more to you than you realize now, and it is much more than just friendship. He has a passion for you and this marriage, or he would NOT be where he is today.

Remember what you have forgotten Lisa.

God Bless,

JL

Lisa

You must tell H to get the affair out in the open so that you will have someone that you can talk to when you are down. Continuing to hide the affair from H and thinking bad thoughts about yourself do nothing but cause you to have more remorse and self-loathing.

Remember Mrsx didn’t want to tell H and fought it kicking and screaming but when she told him she found that he was a source of strength and support and love. I don’t believe your H will be any different. Why are you so afraid? I know that it is hard to admit that you are not as perfect as you once thought but we are only human. God knew when he created us that we we’re not perfect and that we would need a way to reconcile ourselves to Him.

Many people have provided excellent suggestions over the months but you have not done anything except to make more excuses. I am not saying this to hurt your feelings but to point out that you are stuck! You say the same things and have the same negative emotions but do nothing to change your situation. Like they say in AA "if nothing changes nothing changes."

Have you tried IC? Perhaps a counselor can help you tell H? Do something positive for YOU.

Beau

Sonofwf....My A is out in the open. What I have tried so hard to keep from my H is the extent of feelings that I had for the OM. I will not ever let him know that, because that would only hurt him more and that's the last thing that I want to do. Please read my recent posts. I have to tell you that I am doing so much better since this thread was posted. God does answer prayer and I do appreciate your advice and concern very much.

JL. I'm sorry that I never got back to reply to your response about "remembering". What awesome insight you have. If you haven't read my recent posts to mrsx and stupidgirl, please do. I took your advice about remembering and I have to tell you, it's amazing what power that has. Not only did I go back over the last 23 years of my marriage but I also took it one step further to the last 42 years of my life. God provided me so graciously with a H who loves me unconditionally. I also had to go back and remember the things that God has brought me/us through. There have been other situations that I just couldn't understand the purpose of until after it was over. This situation is no different. Since I came to the realization that I have to ask God each morning to help me through that day and to not worry about anything past that, it has done wonders for my outlook. The bitterness is gone towards the OM. Instead I now have a peace that I know that God has given me.
Thanks again for the advice.