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Joined: Feb 2004
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I have been reading messages on this site for several months as well as talking to men who have been divorced by their wives. Based upon my talks, the messages, and my own experience I am coming to believe that once a woman decides to end a marriage, she usually becomes quite determined to do it. Getting her to change her mind becomes a Herculean task, if it can be done at all.

Am I right? Or is this a misconception on my part?

#1112332 02/16/04 01:28 PM
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Jazzey, Thank you for your thoughts. They are interesting because you are looking at things from not only a woman's point of view, but also that of the BS.

In our situation the wayward spouse is my wife. She has made up her mind to divorce me so she can be with the OM and it appears that that is that. No second thoughts. No attempt at counseling. Nothing to try and rebuild the marriage.

<small>[ February 16, 2004, 01:45 PM: Message edited by: JustinExplorer ]</small>

#1112334 02/16/04 02:19 PM
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JazzyG, I have read SAA and the information on this site as well as the many messages. I am on Plan A which I did for almost three months. I had known about the A for months before she left me. After D-day I started Plan A in the hopes of hastening the rebuilding of our marriage. I never believed that my WW would leave me. I figured she would have a very tough time leaving the OM and perhaps return once or twice to her previous ways, but never leave me. Was I wrong! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I believe my Plan A was about as good as humanly possible.

I try to continue Plan A, but since she has left me to she can continue the A with the OM, it's hard to do much Plan A stuff.

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Justin is the OM married?

If he is you need to make sure his wife is notified.

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Justin,
I can only offer you my experience and I promise to keep it short. My EX was the WS as well. She split before I even knew anything was going on. She moved several hundred miles away while I was at work <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I got home to find a note from her saying she was through.
Several weeks later I found out about the OM and she filed on me.
I never had an opportunity to do any real plan as she would only occasionally communicate with me through e-mail. Numerous letters, phone calls, etc. went unanswered. This was over a period of a year. Finally I received the divorce papers and did not contest them (we had no children together).
Divorce final 5/03.

Found out from EX's sister that OM broke up with her several weeks later after promises of marriage blah,blah,blah... So what JazzeyGirl has told you rings true. When my EX called the OM on his proposals to her he ran like a scalded dog. Most OM do not want responsibility, just a convenient piece whenever they can have it.

I have heard from EX's inlaws that my EX regrets breaking us up but she is a proud woman. I haven't heard from her directly except for a tax question.

So after wasting your time...I agree with your friend's theories. I think women are more prone to make up their mind and stick to it than men are. Regardless of consequences.

<small>[ February 16, 2004, 05:11 PM: Message edited by: getting better ]</small>

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by JustinExplorer:
<strong>I am coming to believe that once a woman decides to end a marriage, she usually becomes quite determined to do it. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My first marriage ended without any infidelity. But by the time I wanted a divorce we had gone through years and years of my trying to improve our relationship - counseling, self-help, vacations, moving, career changes. 3 years before the end I came to the "realization" that this was just the way life was; that relationships were platonic and not happy.

There came a point when I realized that other people were actually happy in their relationships, and that I had indeed settled for less than what I wanted and needed in a relationship. And it was much, much too late for me to want to work on my marriage any more.

My husband seemed clueless when I told him I wanted a divorce. "What can I do to change your mind" - "Can't we work this out?" I was dumbfounded and could only think "where have you been the last 16 years???" So for me, once I had tried everything, and the decision was made, there was nothing he could have done or I was willing to do, to save the marriage.

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Seventy percent of the divorces in this country are filed by women...and it IS my experience that when they feel neglected enough to leave or have an affair....it is much harder to turn them around.

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KS41, I do not believe I have been nearly as insensitive as you portray your XH. I think I have done well and tried to meet my wifes needs and support her desires for her life.

Yes, the OM's wife knows. He is divorcing her.

In my case it is my wife who I believe has been insensitive. Over the years as she has become more and more involved with the OM she has become desensitized to me. As things become clearer to me I am finding out that she devoted huge amounts of her time, energy and even money to the OM. For every love note I received he must have received at least five probably ten.

Now that our marriage is in the way I guess it must be disposed of as efficiently as possible.

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think it depends on the woman. I know that if it wasn't for my children I would have filed on d-day. I have read here of other women that have gone back and forth for example "Jen Brown". No one wants D but sometimes it is the only choice that you have left. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am the one who filed in my case. I was the WS. My H just wasn't willing to work on the marriage in the manner that I needed him to. He felt entitled to call all of the shots as BS, and places a paramount value on sex above building a friendship and relationship over again. That and he cheated on my after d-day and felt entitled to that too. I had 2 years of pretty much the same poor treatment from him, and gee I cheated on him, so I must want and need to be with someone different, someone who will treat me better, so that's why I filed.

Why did I keep stepping up to the Dv threshold and stopping so many times? Well, ultimately I just wanted to save my marriage, and be treated lovingly by my H, be convinced by him that he would treat me like someone deserving of love and respect for the rest of our lives, not as someone who is secondary to him, and who is a lesser person than him because I hurt him first. He'd show me glimpses of that loving person he once was, he would hint that things could change, and I still loved him. The sex was always great. But then he still couldn't suck up his pride and make a commitment to me again. I remained a dark secret in his life. I felt like a sex object to him, and not his wife or even his girlfriend. I didn't feel loved the way I needed to be loved.

My H told me that he never would've "had the balls" to file for divorce and thanked me for doing so. Funny, he demanded a separation and told me he wanted a divorce, but when it came down to it, he'd have preferred to stay married but live apart and occasionally see each other forever it would seem.

Sorry I sort of rambled here, but I hope my thoughts on why women file are helpful.

Jen

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I think men are more naturally polygamous than women. I don't think women ever have affairs unless their marriage is bad, but a man might enjoy dalliances. When a woman goes with another man, she's given up on her husband.

I guess what I am saying is that it might be harder to win her back but if you do you've won her back completely. I don't think a man is ever won back completely.

With an affair, the other relationship may well deteriorate since it was based on selfish indulgence at the expense of you and lies, lies, lies.

You may want to leave her with the idea that you have made terrible mistakes and want to meet her needs if she changes her mind in the future.

I am just speculating here, but I think that filing for divorce can be an opportunity. She is taking what she thinks is the final step. If there is any doubt and she has the opportunity to return to you without being berated about what she has done, if you are willing to work with her to build a good marriage, she may jump ship on divorce plans.

<small>[ February 17, 2004, 08:36 AM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>


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