In December I found out I had cancer. Prior to that my husband and I hadn't been getting along great, but I always believed him to be there if I truly needed him. Well with the cancer, I needed him badly. So I pushed to figure out what was wrong, I never doubted he loved me, I just figured we hadn't been getting along because of the stress of a new house and things would calm down.

Well when I found out about the cancer, I panicked BIG TIME, I wanted him to hold me and tell me "we would get through it together". Instead, he told me he didn't love me and hadn't for 10 years... He didn't even show up for my surgery in January to remove the cancer. After a bit more pushing and proding on my account... and after entering a severe depression... I found out he was "in love" with someone else.

At this point, I got crazy... I filed for divorce and asked him to move out. He went and got an apartment with his g/f. The day after my surgery he told me he wanted to come home... he told me he wanted to make up for the anniversary he missed which was 15 years on 12-30. He told me he loved me was sorry and was going to never see his g/f again. So he moved back in.... he was home exactly 24 hours before he said he didn't think he could do this and he just had come home because of deep guilt for not being at my surgery.

After a week, he moved back out. He tells me now he loves both of us, he has been over here with me and our 2 kids every night since he moved out. He has spent everyweekend with us, but goes back to his apartment every single night. This just tears my children apart each time he leaves. Sometimes we have great days when he's here, I do my best to fill his love bank to the top. I did lose it one night when I was feeling especially needy and he didn't respond and we had a huge blow up, a lot of love busters flew that night for sure. I removed all my love bank deposits that day I'm sure.

I have tried to replace them each day. I try to listen to his emotions and how he feels. I have started counseling and begged him to go. I have read anything and everything I can get my hands on regarding the subject of infidelity and rebuilding marriages. I have tried over and over to share the concepts and ideas with him, but he says he doesn't need a counselor or some book to tell him how to feel.

Last week he sent me an email saying how sorry he was for not trusting me and having an affair and that he wanted to come home. I told him he had to email his gf first and never speak to her again. When that was done he could come home. He told me he would do that on Monday (yesterday) and move home today.

Well, now he says he just can't give her up... and that I shouldn't make him give up something so important to him. I am trying to be patient because he's not himself, he's very confused. This is so unlike him, it's hard to even believe for anyone who knows him. He says he wants us both, and can't give up either of us, he's actually suggested we all live together.... which I firmly state, OH HELL NO.

He says he just needs time to come to a decision and he knows what my stipulations are for him to come home, he's just not ready for them. In the meantime, I am here recovering with our two children and making as many love bank deposits as I can muster and think of.

I don't know what else to try or to do... As of today, he says he's not comfortable anymore telling me how he feels, because I get hurt. I don't know what that means. I don't know what any of it means.... I need help, I am confused.

Part of me is starting to say... Move on with you life.... I withdrew my divorce petition when he said he was coming home and I don't have the money to refile. Not to mention I don't want divorced. I want him to come home... I love him more than anything. He says he loves me too, but he loves her more. What am I suppose to do? Anyone have any suggestions?

<small>[ February 17, 2004, 04:49 PM: Message edited by: heavenlee30 ]</small>

Hi Heavenlee30,

I am kind of in the sme boat you are in except I put my husband out. We are currently working on it but he has not come home yet. (my background is in post WHY WON'T MY H COME HOME) Please read it maybe we can help each other.

If you take you time and continue to make deposits in the love bank maybe things will turn around. It is possible that your husband does no twant to lose his family, but where does that put you? Are you to wait for him? You might if you have not already try plan b with him. See what happens?

All in all keep on praying!!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Heck ... what man wouldn't want to be the object of 2 women's affection.... each one thinking he's the man for her! Of course your H eats this up with a spoon.... and he'll keep gourging on the affection of 2 women until one or both of you says "No more."

Whenever I read this type of situation here is my suggestion:

Read this book:

~Love Must Be Tough~ ... by James Dobson.

DO NOT show this book to your H! It will be your secret weapon.

Read this book ASAP.

Your H will enjoy tasting both women for as long as you allow.

You sound very much like you have been such a good and loving wife that you won't need to "Plan A" for very long, because your marriage was a type of Plan A before the affair.

You H loves you .... and he is conflicted.

Dobson's book will teach you that your H will absolutely refuse to choose until he is faced with a crisis that forces him to choose.

This could take years .... so YOU create a crisis for him.

Read this book.

In the meantime .... no LBs .... no drama .... you can calmly tell him that this hurt and disrespect for marriage is devestating .... but no more begging, pleading .... nothing at all like that. it pushed him away from you.

Be serene. Shine in your beauty.

Read that book.

Pep

PS .... in Dobson's book .... a wife actually DID allow the OW to move in with her and H .... to please her H and try to win him back .... You'll enjoy looking at this book .... it will affirm your "HELL NO"

Pep

Thanks to the two of you. JT I have read your post. Interestingly, we are in a very similar situation. I put my husband out too and my sister changed all of my locks when I was in the hospital for my surgery. I found a letter on this site from trueheart to all WS's. I copy and pasted it and just sent it to my WS. In hopes he will understand, what he is feeling is not abnormal. If he asks for the site, I will have to delete this post, because I don't want him finding out about my new secret weapon. Thanks Pep, I am going to find/buy this book tomorrow, and I am going to read it cover to cover, if I have to comb every bookstore in the city. Thanks, for making me smile... and giving me some hope.

I am so sorry, reading your story broke my heart. I can only imagine what this has been like for you, dealing with a VERY FOGGY WS, and faced with such a serious illness.

I would normally suggest plan B at this point, but I would assume that you need his support and help right now, and that this may not be the best option at this time.

I do hope you have outside support right now from your family and friends, let them help you through this.

Please put yourself and health first. I wish I had some better advice for you. Keep posting, you will find so much loving support here. I know this hurts, and you will get through this! Take care of yourself now, please!! You will be in my thoughts.

Thanks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am taking care of myself and our kids. My son who is 12 is a big help and the good news is that the doctors are 90% sure that the surgery removed all of the cancer. Which is great news. I go to the doctor at the end of the month to verify everything, but things on that respect look very hopeful. I have lots of family and friends... but I feel like they keep pushing me my H and I apart. I know this sounds stupid because they all love me very much and they don't want to see me hurting anymore, which is why they suggest I move on. I don't want to move on.... I want my H back.... I want my life back... and I want him in it forever. So I have been avoiding discussions with them regarding the situation, I have one great friend who is just supportive and listens. SO I dump a lot on her. I feel badly because she is going through a lot herself, her marriage just ended and so a lot of this is painful for her. But I already feel better sharing my feelings here.... THANKS!!!

Heavenlee30,

A friend recommended to me also to read Dr. Dobson's book "Love Must be Tough". At least where I live, it was also tough finding it. The traditional bookstores didn't seem to have it, but I found it at a Christian bookstore (Wellspring). I'm on chapter 3. It's a really easy read, and so far, all the info in it completely hits home.

LL

Thanks I am going to find this book tomorrow. I can't wait to read it. Thanks for the suggestion.

Heavenlee -

My WH did the "loving you both" thing, too. He found a Polymory site on the internet. He thought it was the answer he had been looking for. That was at the end of November, after they had been having an EA for a month. By December, it had turned to a PA.

He has wanted to come back, loved me, now doesn't love me again. He seems to have stabilized into the "not loving you, never have loved you, married too young and for all the wrong reasons." I think he realized how much his waffling was hurting me.

We have our second MT appointment tomorrow morning. At least he is willing to do that with me.

Good luck. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone with your circumstance. Eerie, isn't it???

Love, Amy

Hi Heavenlee30,

I did read the letter that you asked me to and I think I will send it to my H. Maybe he'll see just what effect his actions has had on us. I have decided that I am not going to let him keep me on this emotional rollercoaster anymore.

He comes and goes from the house now when he as he pleases (I gave him a new set of keys). My mistake. Don't get me wrong he hsa done better with coming to the house a t decent hour calling and spending time with us as a family, however it is confusing our toddlers.

They wake up and see him home some mornings and not on others. They cry some times when they see him leave and it does not appear to bother him to the extent that it should. I must read the book suggested to you also.

I want my husband and my marriage but I don't want to him to be able to just walk around as if my feelings don't matter. I am up now because I have just left two messages on his voicemail explaining why I have been patient with him and can no longer afford to allow him not to take care of us or participate in the bill paying over here anymore. He needs to make a valid decision to either come home or to let us move forward. I can'y afford to pay our bills alone either.

I am just so confused I don't know what else to do. It is almost as if I have lost my way and can't find my way back to who I use to be. I have almost given up on happiness.

My whole world is shades of gray...
Is it time for me to just let it go???

JT...

Keep on keeping on JT. Take it day to day, and one thing I have decided to do... (well the best I can) is to stop beating myself up for decisions I make during this time. So don't fault yourself for giving him keys (which btw I did too!!!). Don't do that to yourself, I have found great strength in seeing a family therapist, it has really helped me. I have been seeing her since December. It has been very great... and has helped me see what my children are feeling and well as understand my own feelings. She will treat my entire family since she is a family therapist... if my H decides to go. He said he may meet me there today, but he's not making any promises. But she told me you didn't get an owner's manual for your marriage... so stop beating yourself up and learn to forgive yourself. Don't you think it's odd, how we are willing to forgive our WS of some truly horrible acts... but we are willing to grant ourselfs that same forgiveness. I have kicked myself for months because I am the one who pointed out to my H that this OW was hitting on him over 2 years ago, but now I don't condemn myself because of that... I had trust in him as you did your spouse. Have you tried plan A for at least 3 months? That's what everyone has told me to do and I am going to try. I have only been at it 3 weeks... and it's driving me insane, but I gotta keep up plan A for awhile. But what I am going to do is stop calling and stop begging and stop pleading and stop making logical points which are truly wasted. There is no logic.... I am just going to follow my heart and be strong... please do the same... stop beating yourself up JT and my prayers are with you.

Amy,

Don't ya just love it? In love and out of love... I honestly think my WS has gone mad. Wouldn't you love to live a life that could be featured on Jerry Springer? That was always my dream in life, LOL, and well Jerry here I come. I started journaling and that really helped. Are you doing plan A or Plan B? How long? Good Luck Amy... Take care

P.S. JT

I called my insurance company, and guess what I found out the therapy up to $750.00 per family member was covered AND I called the therapist office who uses a sliding scale on her fee. So check it out... you just never know what's out there until you look. I also belong to a union, which offered services, but I opted to go with my insurance... but you might try that if that fits you.

Heavenlee,

Thanks for the advice i'll look into it for sure. I know that you are very frustrated right now with your H, but it has only been a few weeks as you said. Plan A is a good place to start. I read about the pizza and a dvd date I hope that it goes well for you. Building the Lovebank while you are in pain is very hard, but it does improve things.

I have been practicing it , yet I think it might be time for me to move on to plan B - no contact.
This seems rather cruel since we do have two toddlers to consider. But I have got to try so we may continue to move forward - we are going on 5 months since I put him out of the house.

Your husband must come to the decision I think that he values his family and wife more than the OW. The thought of her son playing on the same team is scary even for me. So I know that you must be in a state of mania. Asking that she not have her son on the same team maybe a little stretch. I don't mean to sound harsh but should the child really pay for the adults actions. He did not ask to be in the middle of it all. Neither did your son ask to be in this same situation.

gotta go so I'll talk to you later.

Keep the FAITH - God is on your side. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks JT,

I know the kids didn't ask to be in this situation, and I have considered that, ALOT. But there are other teams, and I feel like his mother the OW should have considered how her actions of being involved with my H would impact her son's life as well as my son's life. Of course, I feel like my son's father should have also considered it.... I don't want the kids to pay... but it seems like such a reasonable request to me, when there are other teams available to him. I hope plan B goes well for you... I know plan B will be very difficult... much more difficult than plan A. Because then you can't even see the person you love, and that will be so hard... I mean even if you are fighting it's better than being apart sometimes, well it feels that way sometimes. Be strong I will pray for you and your family. Good Luck.