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Still around and thinking of MB often...it's like you're always with me. I don't believe that will ever change.
An update...nothing has changed from where I was last...no legal separation...no divorce.
Received a letter from my lawyer on New Year's Eve day indicating that there had had been no further contact from my husband's lawyer which forced her to assume that we were on the road to reconciliation. She then returned the balance of my deposit.
I know Ark...I should have asked my H but Christmas was just SO emotional for us. I wasn't able to deal with anything else. My IL's came to my house on Christmas Eve and broke down with my mother. Just tears...no words. My SIL broke down on Christmas day. Now that I pull away and say nothing...people are starting to see for themselves and react very emotionally trying to pull me back.
My mother? Well, my H called her on Christmas day. She fell apart on the phone and told him that she wished he was back home. My mother...who calls him every name in the book...
His response? Yeah Ma, my mother does too but I don't think she's for me anymore...
Remember how H said he couldn't wait to bring to his new apt? Well...that never happened. He's so detached. Looks terrible...my IL's just went on vacation for two weeks. My MIL called when she arrived to tell me that she loved me.
After all this time, we are still so emotionally connected yet very disconnected. Confused?
So am I.
I need to take action but I'm drained and perhaps, that's why I'm back.
Love to all.
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There's no question in here...just news and sadness...so I just wanted you to know I read it...and I am thinking of you...praying for you.
(((((((((((((((terrified))))))))))))))))
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Terri, Hello. So glad to see your post. I've been wondering how you're doing. I came on board about 3yrs ago and I've followed your story. I mostly just lurk now. I'm sorry your situation isn't any better. It's been a long time for you, sorry your ws hasn't seen the light. Hang in there.
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Hi Terri.
I was just thinking about you and wondering how you were. I'm sorry you're going through such an emotional time. It's ok to love your in-laws and to have that love returned. Love doesn't just shut off when someone makes a dumb decision.
As far as your H and the marriage, personally I would do nothing unless it's what YOU want to do. It sounda like your H is closing in on rock bottom and sometimes that's what it takes. But if you sincerely still don't want a divorce, then don't file for one. Let him deal with that.
Just keep being happy with your daughter and dowing on your own. The change in you since the beginning is remarkable. I wonder sometimes if you know how much you've grown. You're still in my prayers and I wish you the best.
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Ok I'm doing the happy snoopy dance here...cause I am soooooooooo glad to "see" you..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> and have only one thing to say.... what do YOU want???????????????????? what do YOU want???????????????????? what do YOU want???????????????????? what do YOU want???????????????????? what do YOU want???????????????????? what do YOU want???????????????????? I KNOW lots of things I want for you... but I am not gonna tell you... you have to answer first.... whatever your answer we will deal with it... and I don't know is not allowed.................. ARK <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
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So nice to hear from everyone...
Star, Thank-you for your good thoughts.
CR, Thank-you for checking in...hoping that after three years, you find yourself in good recovery.
TD, I really do love my IL's and that won't change. No, you're right. I don't want a divorce so regardless of what everyone continues to TELL me in my circle, I am standing my ground.
Thank-you so much for your kind words. So nice to know that you're in good recovery
ARK, So TERRIFIC to hear from you...hope all is well with you and your family.
I WANT A SECOND CHANCE...I still believe that it could be better the second time around.
Okay Ark, now it's my turn to do the snoopy dance...
Lots of hugs are being sent your way
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Terr... the only way it's going to work is if you first work on realizing and celebrating your own value that you possess on this earth...within yourself.. WITH OR WITHOUT him by your side... how are things in that department?... Do you honestly believe that statement? cause if you really want to do the work, "where the rubber meets the road.".. (that's my new favorite cliche...I was liking shut your pie-hole for a while...but it's not very nice...and one can rarely use it at work without getting written up.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> people can be soooo sensitive.... then you have to decide your own value and self love first...regardless of his inactions or actions... ark
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Terrified:
An update...nothing has changed from where I was last...no legal separation...no divorce.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What PLAN are you in?????
No plan, right?
Please take the time to read Mortorman's responses to feelingit. Not only the most recent thread .... but the other threads that came before... ("Should I give up now?" ~~~and ~~~ "Well Mortorman, you were right")
You need a plan....
because...
nothing has changed
because you have no plan
Pep
<small>[ February 19, 2004, 04:07 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>
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Hi Terri, I've been thinking about you. Some things strike me from your posts in this thread. H says: "I don't think she's for me anymore..." Pretty weak statement. This might just be my H, but when he uses the word "think" he's either lying or very unsure. But...you didn't hear this first hand, so the quote may or may not be exact. You hear a lot of things second hand that reflect the second speaker moreso than the original words. I can't even guess why he would call your mom, except that it indicates he doesn't want to break that particular tie. He hasn't pursued the divorce. People who want/desire/demand divorces, get them. You also say, you want a second chance. Given those things, I think you should call the man. But, I've never been given to long, voluntary silences between me & my H, no matter how much he has tried to cut me off. Initiate a meeting, a lunch or after work coffee/drinks. If he says no, tell him it is important to you. If he won't meet you, ask if he's got some time and speak on the phone. Tell him that you want that second chance, a second chance to see if there is something still between you, a chance for your daughter to grow up with both parents in the same house. Don't let him draw you into conflict. If it doesn't go well, keep your message simple. I love you, I want a second chance. There is an outside chance that he no longer would be appealing to you now if you got him back. I believe that tends to be a stage in recovery after long separations. The What did you fight so hard for? stage. I don't see what you have to lose. As far as I recall, you haven't been in a firm Plan B. But, I would think after all this time of dis/miscommunication and inaction, a real planned meeting between the 2 of you would be a reasonable request. You can't control getting the second chance, but you can lay some groundwork for the possibility if that is what you desire. And, of course, you don't have to follow my advice, I know I would not be comfortable in the limbo you have now. I guess my post sounds like I want you to guard against a negative outcome, but that is because I have no worries that you could deal with a positive one <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .
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ohhh terr????
MB to TERR
COME IN TERR
Would you come back if I told you I promise to track down Barry Mannilow and have him autograph a head shot of him????
I knew it would.....
So when can we schedule the beginnings of some type of talk between you and husband...
ark
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Terrified, You know how you always hear what your H says through other people? Well yesterday I was shopping with my teenage daughters and I said to the older one "You always have said X" She said, "I never say X. You say X. What do you do, re-interpret everything I say in your head to fit what you want?" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> And this is not even second-hand conversation...apparently we were both there. Just be careful about believing what friends/family say your H is saying is in his actual words. The speakers may be even unintentionally giving their spin.
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Terrified, You know how you always hear what your H says through other people? Well yesterday I was shopping with my teenage daughters and I said to the older one "You always have said X" She said, "I never say X. You say X. What do you do, re-interpret everything I say in your head to fit what you want?" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> And this is not even second-hand conversation...apparently we were both there. Just be careful about believing what friends/family say your H is saying is in his actual words. The speakers may be even unintentionally giving their spin.
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Terrified, You know how you always hear what your H says through other people? Well yesterday I was shopping with my teenage daughters and I said to the older one "You always have said X" She said, "I never say X. You say X. What do you do, re-interpret everything I say in your head to fit what you want?" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> And this is not even second-hand conversation...apparently we were both there. Just be careful about believing what friends/family say your H is saying is in his actual words. The speakers may be even unintentionally giving their spin.
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Hi all...so nice to read your replies. Sorry for not replying sooner...I watched Story of Us with Bruce Willis/Michelle Pfieffer...I am still recovering (I'm kidding for the most part but I really did cry like I haven't in a very long time). However, in ways, it reminded me that, yes, a marriage can sometimes go sour but it doesn't have to mean someone bails for someone else. Putting that aside, Ark, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> the only way it's going to work is if you first work on realizing and celebrating your own value that you possess on this earth...within yourself.. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I believe I'm closer to this than I ever have been. I look around and think, well, people seem not to mind me too much...that must mean something about who I am. Not that I, as a human, cannot continuously improve the person that I am...but I do honestly think that I'm working towards feeling more comfortable with myself. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> WITH OR WITHOUT him by your side... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do I honestly believe this? Well, let's just say that I'm starting to accept that he will never be my side again and although I find it extremely hard to chew on that bone, I don't dread the mailbox anymore... Seriously, if my SIL sends flowers to my MIL on her birthday from the family and includes my name on the card...and if my MIL calls me from Puerto Vallarta to tell me that she loves me and to please call my SIL's to tell them that she's arrived safely...well, I must be okay. I rarely speak of my situation to anyone. I do not speak ill of him except in jest or on this board. He's made a decision that he obviously does not regret or he'd be back, right? So, dare I say...I must let it go in ways. And of course, if Ark loves me, then I can't be half bad. Pepper, I really have a hard time figuring out which plan I should be in besides Plan D...you know what I mean? I know you're absolutely right...however, I do have a plan of sorts which is to move towards a greater level of acceptance. Not good enough, right? Lor, Hope you and your family are well. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He hasn't pursued the divorce. People who want/desire/demand divorces, get them. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My dear mother and a few others think he has a plan and that is why he's done nothing...as they often say, "he knows exactly what he's doing"... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Tell him that you want that second chance, a second chance to see if there is something still between you, a chance for your daughter to grow up with both parents in the same house. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'd like to be able to do this but I've built this protective wall around me that almost stymies when I say anything besides thank-you, hello and goodbye. I'm just not sure that I want to expose myself to this vulnerability. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know I would not be comfortable in the limbo you have now. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am not comfortable in this limbo but somewhat safer than where I was...happy? No. But safe. Crazy isn't it? </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Just be careful about believing what friends/family say your H is saying is in his actual words. The speakers may be even unintentionally giving their spin. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I absolutely agree with this. Love to all. <small>[ February 25, 2004, 05:17 PM: Message edited by: Terrified ]</small>
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Terr, The only way to break through this limbo is to make change happen.... You MUST change something...and then you will believe in your ability to change... I am dead serious that I EXPECT/DEMAND that you give yourself no more than three to four weeks and find and enroll yourself in SOMETHING>>> YOU MUST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Something with adults with people you don't necessarilly know but with whom you have a common interest... 1. check the museums/local art school/adult non-credit classes for spring classes... take a pottery class... take a beginning painting class and I don't care about your artistic ability..take it to learn something new...meet new people... find a gardening class begining to form.. dang...find a beginner rowing group do wine tasting course.. TAKE A GOURMET COOKING CLASS you LOVE to cook and you are good at it... find some passion in your life...; I'm so serious that I'm about to start surfing for you and sign you up for something...and then get in my car and take you to the first night class... SIGN UP FOR GOLF LESSONS....!!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Who was it...Lexxy that did the belly dancing <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I love that!!!! call email sky write..(DO NOT TAKE UP SKY_DIVING ) your husband and give him plenty of notice that he is needed to watch your daughter on Tuesday eves from ________________ or whatever night... tell the truth how many hockey games has HE missed... AND do not take going over the falls in a barrel this is your first assignment of your plan.. and I am not kidding... this is where the rubber meets the road... enough is enough no more excuses.. no more stagnation.. remember the Southern trip...how good you felt?? YOu can feel that way again and again... pick something you have never done before....and go for it.... establish a weekly night out where he has daughter...this will increase your communication/contact with him in situation that you are in control of...you can control the amount of contact before and after the class you can practice and become more comfortable with increasing your comfort level of contact... you can peek his interest in you branching out.. you can prove that you are not going to wither away... bust a move my friend... It is your time to shine.... ARK
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Ark, Thank-you for checking in with ole'Terri... On March 31st, I will celebrate my 3-year anniversary of d-day. He is still "with" her (although she is still lives in Europe) which obviously means he must love her to a certain extent, don't you think? Also, today, H leaves for the second of his 5-day skiing adventures in the last two weeks, with the boys, boys that are "married" which makes it okay with his parents...and I guess everone else...boys will be boys, UGH. And of course, I'm thinkin about your post. Quite honestly, I've always wanted to do something like what you've suggested. I did take 5 golf lessons in 2001 right around d-day but H didn't even flinch or seem to care that I did...but perhaps I did it then with too much emphasis on wanting to show him I would change. It didn't seem to make a difference to his opinion of me or his affirmation that he no longer loved me. I have a kickboxing membership which I haven't used in three years. Does that count for something? </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">tell the truth how many hockey games has HE missed... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As if missing them is even an option... Okay Ark...I promise you that I will find something... Hugs to you
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Ark, I took the belly dancing classes last year. This year I'm covering the belly and back in my writer's group <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Terri, I would think kickboxing would be an excellent way to break through the shell you have around you. Perhaps if you feel physically strong, your emotions would follow?
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Lor..sorry about the mix up...the belly dancing is beyond cool...so confess has it moved you to pierce your belly-button...Ok...you don't have to tell.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> NOPE terr.. He is still "with" her (although she is still lives in Europe) which obviously means he must love her to a certain extent, don't you think? well we could debate that one till the cows come home.. don't see that he knows much about love.. don't see his 'love" motivating him enough to do whats right for his wife, daughters and even OW... but I soooo don't care to talk about him... this is all about you you you you you .. and while kickboxing is great...(though I smile at the thought of you really kicking any thing.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) I want you in some class where you interact the whole time with others... something where the activity has you meeting and interacting and with new people.. and honestly this as NOTHING to do with finding you some one "new" to move on with.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> not even close... this is empowering you and feeding that part you have lost touch with.. the world and universe have been missing you in it terr...it's waiting for you to come out and discover it and to PLAY!!!... and they want too discover you... none of this is for him at all.. but I am sure he will notice..ESPECIALLY if it involves something from him...some parenting... this is the route to get you out there to establish some set pattern in which he HAS his daughter at a specific time each week...just a hint of reality to his actions... this is the route that forces you two to begin to communicate... and a way to slowly expose and open up those doors you have put up... golf lessons are good but join a one night a week league...find one with beginners with people that just want to learn and have fun.... look into the cooking class or art classes... seriously... I think you should see what summer plays are coming up...and you should be an extra in the local shakespeare play.!!!!.. no talking ofcourse... they always need volunteers ..and what a way to meet people I love people and love meeting them.... See what's going on at a local theater... join HABITAT FOR HUMANITY...love love love that organization..they would have local monthly meetings... within that group you will meet lots of lots of different people from college kids to every other stage and walk of life... there is a job a task a chore for everyone...it feels good and is fun fun fun...!!!!!! three to four weeks... local classes at local gardens.. you better get cracking... no more I've always wanted to do this or that..do it.... ARK...
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tick tock tick tock acting lessons?? tick tock tick tock pastry cooking tick tock tick tock bowling league?? tick tock tick tock pole dancing lessons!!!??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> OK skip the pole dancing lessons tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock you know who I am... <small>[ March 01, 2004, 02:21 PM: Message edited by: ark^^ ]</small>
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