I am a WS. I did something terrible to my W and lost her trust, respect, admiration - the whole ball-o-wax, basically. Not to get into specifics, but when confronted by her, I confessed immediately. I also apologized for what I did, and for what I had done to us. I continue to apologize when we have a chance to speak, however, I also moved out of the house. It was just too painful to see my W hurting, and she had been insisting that she could not live with me after the incident.

So, here we are. In the past month, since this happened, we've actually been quite nice to one another. We meet at the gym and workout together, etc. But... two days ago I seem to have made a big mistake. I suggested to my W that we get together and talk. It didn't really go as I had hoped. Without putting too much pressure on her, I tried to elicit any sort of discussion about where we go from here. I felt that we needed some sort of plan to help get us back on track. I'm not looking to move right back in, but perhaps in 6 months I thought we could be working this out. Unfortunately, my W's basic response during the whole discussion consisted of "I don't know", and "I don't have any answers for you." You see, my W is completely and utterly horrified at what I did, and cannot get over it right now. She cannot seem to forgive me.

I realized then and there, upon leaving her with her in tears and essentially lifeless, that I needed to go into a "Plan B" mode, and give her the time and space that she needs.

Is it correct for the WS to go into a Plan B in this instance? Harley's "Plan B" seems to be something that the *BS* undertakes. The additional complication here, to me, is that one of her issues with me in our marriage before this last incident was that I did not spend enough time with her and spent too much time acting independent and acting selfishly. So by pulling away, aren't I reinforcing that in her mind? If she realizes, and she soon will I am sure, that I am moving on with my life without her, won't that cement her decision? But, quite obviously to me, there is no way I can continue to speak with her, as it comes across as pestering or badgering, no matter how loving I try to be with my words. It is non-productive to talk right now.

In your opinion, then - have I done the right thing here? I read many suggestions during a martial breakup that state *DO NOT* separate. Well, we have already. Too late for that advice. Also... I know this is still very recent, but how long could it be before my W would be ready to forgive? I do have a feeling she is going to run to someone else now - she has many close male friends, she is a very pretty, desireable woman, and she is very obviously lonely, vulnerable, and perhaps even desperate for companionship right now. But she doesn't want mine, except for those gym workouts. And I'm not even sure that those are going to continue now. I'm not sure they SHOULD continue, if my "Plan B" approach is the correct one.

Just as an example of her possibly running to someone else (and I'll never bring this up with her), there were a dozen roses on the kitchen table for Valentine's Day - she stated that they were for her daughter. Hmmm, yeah, ok. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Also... My W cleaned out my half of the garage, which was always used as a "temporary" storage space. She also asked me a number of times for my garage door opener. Why would she do that? It's obvious, to me. Whomever she is seeing can pull their car in the garage and the neighbors - or me, if I happen to drive by (which I am not planning on doing anymore, by the way, to save my own sanity!) - will never know.

But all that is irrelevant I suppose. I know I just need to move on with my life now, but I do want to work on the marriage. I realize that is impossible right now. Will my W ever be able to forgive (but not forget)? If she runs to someone else, I can't honestly blame her, and I can't get angry at her. In a way, I did this to myself, but I'm trying to work through my shame and not blame myself so much.

I'm not expecting any answers, I know that I am the only one who can provide them for myself, but I have found this community to be very helpful in the past and I am again seeking whatever suggestions or experiences you see fit to offer. Thank you, and best wishes to all!

Holy crap, don't you DARE go into Plan B!! That is the worst thing you can do. That will only confirm her suspicion that you don't care about her. She already suspects that you don't give a damn about her.

Plan B is a plan designed to end an affair. It is not intended to punish or manipulate a devastated BS.

You have just wrecked her life. You have just committed the GREATEST betrayal a spouse can commit. It is right up there with the death of a child, except worse because you did this purposely. It may take a YEAR for her to recover from that, AT LEAST.

If you want your wife back, you have to be willing to be patient and to work VERY HARD to repair the enormous damage that you have caused. That will not happen overnight. It may take at least a year.

Have you asked her if you can move back into the house? It seems like you were a little too anxious to move out. You said that "It was just too painful to see my W hurting,"

Who cares about YOUR PAIN, what about your victim? What would be best for her? Did you compound the problem by moving out too quick? I don't get the feeling that you are willing to fight for your marriage at all. And if I am getting that feeling, I bet she is too.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong>Have you asked her if you can move back into the house? It seems like you were a little too anxious to move out. You said that "It was just too painful to see my W hurting,"

Who cares about YOUR PAIN, what about your victim? What would be best for her? Did you compound the problem by moving out too quick? I don't get the feeling that you are willing to fight for your marriage at all. And if I am getting that feeling, I bet she is too. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I did ask if we could live together and try to work on our marriage. She said she's not willing to do that. We then had a discussion about fear - the fear she has that I'll break her heart again if she lets me back in. I don't really know how to answer that - in fact, I don't think it's my place to even try and answer that. It's her decision, and her's alone, no?

It was not MY pain that caused me to make the decision to move out. I thought that SHE was in pain due to my presence, and I lovingly (or so I thought) offered to relieve her of that constant pain she felt every time she laid eyes on me by moving out and seeing a psychologist to work on my issues.

Thanks for the advice, but now I'm wondering - if not Plan B, then what? Every time we try to talk she breaks down and clams up. Do you think I should just continue to "hang out" with her at the gym for the forseeable future, without any serious talk of us to put that pressure on her again? What if she starts to decline us even doing that together?

I often feel like I am imposing on her when I call, and I am trying like heck to think of HER feelings, not mine. But again - a conundrum. If I DON'T call, she'll likely think this is just more of the same from me, no? I try to feel her out, and usually flat out ask her first if I'm interrupting her or bothering her, and go from there. I'm trying to be considerate and loving, and trying NOT to show any neediness or selfishness, but it's hard...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We then had a discussion about fear - the fear she has that I'll break her heart again if she lets me back in. I don't really know how to answer that - in fact, I don't think it's my place to even try and answer that. It's her decision, and her's alone, no?

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is your responsibilty to PROVE to her that you won't hurt her again. You have to reprove yourself to her. So yes, it absolutely is your place to answer that for her. You tell her that you know you have destroyed her trust and that you will do everything to regain it.

I would suggest that you continue to do small things to show that you love her and miss her. It will take a very long time, but you have to just keep at it. She is still in shock and will not react immediately, but if you keep at it, she may eventually soften up.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I thought that SHE was in pain due to my presence, and I lovingly (or so I thought) offered to relieve her of that constant pain she felt every time she laid eyes on me by moving out and seeing a psychologist to work on my issues.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She is in pain from your affair. Moving out probably added to that pain immensely. A double slam in the minds of most BS's. You had an affair and then punished her by leaving her.

Your marriage has a much better chance of recovery if you are there. Your moving probably only convinced her that your committment to her is nil.

I would try and convince her to allow you to move back. Tell her that you love her more than anything and want to be with her more than any other woman in the world and you want to solve this problem TOGETHER. Tell her you can't live without her! Tell her that you will do anything to reprove yourself to her, including giving her cell phone passwords, email passwords, call her 5X times a day to assure her of your whereabouts, etc. You need to fight for her and I don't see you doing that!

Why would you go to a psycologist? Are you mentally ill? The issue is that you had an affair.

And offer to send a no contact letter to the OW.

Have you ended ALL CONTACT with the OW? When was the last time you communicated with her?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by asb3pe:
<strong>

Thanks for the advice, but now I'm wondering - if not Plan B, then what? Every time we try to talk she breaks down and clams up.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is to be expected that she will break down when you discuss it. Have you been comforting her when this happens?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong> And offer to send a no contact letter to the OW.

Have you ended ALL CONTACT with the OW? When was the last time you communicated with her? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I didn't intend to get into the details, but... There was no OW. This was an internet sex chat, and it was with an OM. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

NOW do you see why my W is so devastated? And do you see why I feel the need to see a psychologist? I am not gay, I am convinced of that and I feel secure in my heterosexuality, but I do feel that I have a sexual addiction to self-gratification (the "selfish" thing again with me), and like most addicts, I constantly sought out increasingly intense (I can't think of the right word) behaviors to satisfy my need for a thrill. If anything, I have too much of an open mind for my own good.

So there can't be any letter to an OW. This was a masturbatory act, nothing more - but to my W, her illusion of the "fairy tale" marriage has been shattered. I am no longer the Prince, I am an ugly frog who she does not want to be with, because I don't conform to the image.

So SHE insisted that I move out, and in my mind, the only loving thing to do was to give in to her demands. I have tried to explain why I did what I did, but I think my explanation only made things worse. You know what she told me the other night? She said "I wish you had lied to me the night it happened." I was taken aback by that. I AM an open and honest person, and the LAST thing I would ever have done was deny and lie my way out of it. What does that say about her, I wonder? Harley believes that a big part of a solid marriage is O&H, so now it is me that is wondering if this will ever be possible to reconcile.

And yes, I am comforting to her, but she pulls away. I don't feel right to FORCE my compassion on her at those moments, so again, I feel like I just don't know what to do when it occurs. I want to hug her, but she doesn't want my hugs.

Thanks for your advice and concern, MelodyLane, I appreciate the discussion very much. As you might be able to imagine, the truth of this situation is not something I can easily discuss with people. In fact, the only people who know the truth are my W and my psychologist. For someone who believes in honesty, it hurts that I can't even tell my parents, brother, or in-laws. Whatever advice they offer is useless, because they DON'T know the truth. I am physically alone now, but I also feel mentally alone, and that is tough to deal with personally. But - as you said before - who cares about MY pain? I agree with that, because it is I who precipitated all of this due to one a terribly immoral decision I made one weekend...

ok, I gotcha. Shame on me for jumping to the conclusion that you had an OW. This changes everything. Let me think on it today and hopefully others will also respond with their input about going into Plan B.

Shame on me expressing my opinion when I am less than a week into processing the pain of discovering that my "w" - for lack of a better word (I am a gay woman) - is at least involved in an EA if not a PA. But the reason that I wanted to respond is that her way of closing me out and developing a whole world of her own without me has been to live on the internet. (Her fantasy love object is, however, a "real" woman, or at least her image of this person.)

This is what I think: you may very well be gay or bi-sexual or some place on the continuum. This is for you to find out in your counselling. There are MANY gay men and women who love their unknowing spouses, and do everything to protect them while continually cheating on them. Regardless of whether or not you are gay, the cheating has to stop. And no one really protects a person by lying to them, that is a cold blooded rationalization.

I would:

Tell my wife that I loved her and wanted to be with her and would do anything that needed to be done to fight for the marriage.

I would ask her to go with me to MC, or at least offer to pay for individual counselling with a counselor of her choice, to begin to make reparations.

I would assure her (as has been posted here in many other places) that it would be MY responsibility to see that this NEVER happens again. I would understand she will not trust this. I would NEVER put her in that vulnerable position again.

I would remind her of all the good things that she has done for you, of all the good things that your marriage has given you both, and give her time to heal by being the kind of spouse you want to be.

I would admit to myself and to her that you were robbing her of a part of yourself by being dishonest and turning to other stimuli for sex instead of working it out with her honestly in your marriage.

I might read some books about sexual addiction, investigate a support group.

I would redouble my efforts to show her that she is loved, cherished, and cared about, and be willing to do so for a year or a dozen years, whatever it takes.

Keep reading, keep trying kind things, take nothing personal, and keep going to counselling to find out what is up with you.

Even if she rejects you, there must be some things you can continue to do that will make her life less painful.

She may indeed want you to be living with her. She may need a way of having you around with the ability to go away from you and feel her grief and rage. Maybe you should discuss visiting or partially moving back.

These are the things that I would want if I were her.

Do not BAIL OUT on this woman, or you will have compounded the damage a thousandfold. Show your love and ask her what she needs and then give it.

hoping2grow

Hey asp no one is judging you and I think most want to help if possible.

You were in one of the toughest affairs a betrayed spouse can deal with...gender confusion affair. Very little is written about that type of an affair EVEN less is written about how to recover from one.

In your wife's eyes this is a double betrayal.

The traditonal betrayal to the marriage and all that goes with plus the added betrayal of being someone who may or may not remain true to the sexual orientation you presented to her when she fell in love with and married you.

Beyond her shock from discovering both is the added sense of helplessness the betrayed spouse in gender confusion affair feels.

How does your wife compete with this threat? A traditional wife could do many things. Lose weight, spruce up the wardrobe, put more emphasis on unmet sexual needs and so on.

She can't because those aren't the things you are getting from the OP.

She can't be a man if that is where you think your sexual orientation is headed.

So she is twice as shocked and twice and helpless compared to a traditional affair versus a gender confusion affair.

<small>[ February 19, 2004, 12:26 PM: Message edited by: stunned-dad-fast recovering ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hoping2grow:
<strong> Shame on me expressing my opinion when I am less than a week into processing the pain of discovering that my "w" - for lack of a better word (I am a gay woman) - is at least involved in an EA if not a PA. But the reason that I wanted to respond is that her way of closing me out and developing a whole world of her own without me has been to live on the internet. (Her fantasy love object is, however, a "real" woman, or at least her image of this person.)</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">hoping2grow,
I'm sorry for your own painful situation. Thank you for offering me your advice. I agree with you that internet relationships are a FAR cry from reality, and someday I suppose your "W" will find that out. Harley has pointed this out in one of his articles that is on the website, as well as in one of his books (the one where he answers written questions from readers). I think internet relationships are even further from reality than the early part of dating is. I wish you all the best - I know all about how hard it can be to stay strong and positive when the situation is so new. Sometimes the mental pain and anguish seems worse than if it were physical pain...

While I do value your advice, I'm afraid some of it just doesn't seem possible right now, or it is counterproductive for me to follow your advice.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I would:
Tell my wife that I loved her and wanted to be with her and would do anything that needed to be done to fight for the marriage.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do tell my W that I love her and want to be together again to work on our marriage together, but she thinks this is all a "ploy" on my behalf to get myself back into the marriage so I can repeat my past selfish behavior. She is fearful of being hurt again, and refuses to believe that anyone can change. My response is that I believe that two people CAN change the way they interact and relate to one another. That is a much different concept that "you can't ever change, and you shouldn't change just to get me back, because it will never work." It is what I have derived from Harley's MB concepts, His Needs Her Needs.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I would ask her to go with me to MC, or at least offer to pay for individual counselling with a counselor of her choice, to begin to make reparations.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have asked and/or suggested to my W numerous times that we see a counselor together, or that I will pay for her to see one by herself (I'm already seeing someone by myself), but she outright refuses. We had a poor experience a year ago when we DID see a counselor together. More importantly, she thinks this is MY problem to deal with right now, not OURS. (And I don't consider that very loving on her behalf, but at the same time, I understand it too).

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would assure her (as has been posted here in many other places) that it would be MY responsibility to see that this NEVER happens again. I would understand she will not trust this. I would NEVER put her in that vulnerable position again.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again, no matter how sincere I can be on this point, my W believes that I will simply, at some point, go back to my old ways at some future point, and break her heart again. Words, in this sort of instance, seem hollow. How do you essentially promise someone something when you've just shown that you CAN'T be trusted to promise anything?

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would remind her of all the good things that she has done for you, of all the good things that your marriage has given you both, and give her time to heal by being the kind of spouse you want to be.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I asked her to try and focus on the positives we had rather than the negatives, and all she told me was "I have a major character flaw" in that regard. I doubt she ever thought about her words after she uttered them, they came out so matter-of-factly. She literally used her words to brush me aside abruptly.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would admit to myself and to her that you were robbing her of a part of yourself by being dishonest and turning to other stimuli for sex instead of working it out with her honestly in your marriage.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Absolutely. This is always a part and parcel of my apology, which I have continued to reiterate to her. Her response is a blank stare, and I've never gotten a verbal response from her other than "I'm sorry too". This is where my "Forgiveness?" topic came from, because it is very obvious that my W cannot find it within herself to forgive right now. She is confusing "forgiving" with "forgetting", because at some point she angrily said to me, "What am I supposed to do, just forget this ever happened?" I answered that she should never forget, but that I hope she can find it in her heart to forgive me someday. I also mentioned to her that there ARE ways to ensure that this sort of thing never happens again - open and honest communication, and more drastic ideas, such as me rarely using the computer again, or if I do use it to make sure it is during waking hours and that she knows exactly what I am doing while I'm on it. I got the blank stare response...

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I might read some books about sexual addiction, investigate a support group.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I read TOO many books I think. They make me confused, there is so much conflicting advice, and I don't think the advice given always applies to my rather unique circumstances. Even Harley's advice seems to fall short. Everything seems geared to a WS not apologizing or admitting - i.e. "the fog". Well, my situation is that the WS is profusely apologetic and wishes more than anything to work on the marriage, but the BS is in withdrawl and therefore has given up on working at the marriage.

There is in fact a SA support group very near my work on Tuesdays, and I suppose I will have to be brave and attend. It certainly can't hurt, it can only help I guess, but I'm not sure about me relating my truthful story in front of a group of strangers like that! It's hard for me to discuss this with people, obviously.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would redouble my efforts to show her that she is loved, cherished, and cared about, and be willing to do so for a year or a dozen years, whatever it takes.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Fair enough - and that's exactly what I am trying to do, but the hard part of following this advice is me knowing when my efforts are too little, and when they are too much and become overbearing. My sensitivity to my W's needs were one of our major problems, remember, and quite honestly, I've never been good at reading people like that. I much prefer good communication to provide me with the clues I need, but again, right now there is little of that between us besides small talk at the gym.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Keep reading, keep trying kind things, take nothing personal, and keep going to counselling to find out what is up with you.

Even if she rejects you, there must be some things you can continue to do that will make her life less painful.

She may indeed want you to be living with her. She may need a way of having you around with the ability to go away from you and feel her grief and rage. Maybe you should discuss visiting or partially moving back.

These are the things that I would want if I were her.

Do not BAIL OUT on this woman, or you will have compounded the damage a thousandfold. Show your love and ask her what she needs and then give it.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">All good advice, hoping2grow, and I thank you for taking the time to offer it. I'm not sure she will give in on me moving back, but that is certainly something *I* want. But, that puts me right back into "selfish mode" if it's not what SHE wants.

Best wishes on your own situation, I hope you can work things out and be happy in life...

Hey, Al,

As I said when I started... I am in my own painful transition, and I definitely don't claim to know it all -- for myself or for you. Take what you want, and leave the rest.

I think it sounds like your W is too hurt to accept your apolog(ies) as sincere right now. The way she feels today may not be the way she always feel if you are sincere and continue making an effort.

If you go to a SA meeting, you do not have to tell them your story right away. Listen to them and see if you relate to anyone or anything. (Again, take what works for you and leave the rest.) If you do relate, maybe you could revisit the group and eventually find someone you feel is wise and objective to confide in. I don't know if it is right for you or not.

I also hope that your situation will be better.
Thank you for your compassion toward me. Right now I need that.

hoping2grow

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by stunned-dad-fast recovering:
<strong>You were in one of the toughest affairs a betrayed spouse can deal with...gender confusion affair. Very little is written about that type of an affair EVEN less is written about how to recover from one.

In your wife's eyes this is a double betrayal.

The traditonal betrayal to the marriage and all that goes with plus the added betrayal of being someone who may or may not remain true to the sexual orientation you presented to her when she fell in love with and married you.

Beyond her shock from discovering both is the added sense of helplessness the betrayed spouse in gender confusion affair feels.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks for pointing that out, stunned-dad. "Helplessness" is a great word to describe her attitude right now. I use the word "devastated", but I like your word better.

This all goes back to my point about trust - how can my W ever possibly trust me again? Words cannot do it, and actions also do not seem to fit the bill. After all, how can I ever possibly show her that I'm NOT seeking to ever be with a M? This might sound rude or crude, but in my apparently warped mind, I rationalized my actions as "M or F, it's just a mouth" (I have a prediliction for oral s*x). To my W, the risk of betrayal in this will always be there, and as you point out, the risk of my rejecting her female sexuality at any given instant will always be there in her mind. This is why I have honestly said to myself that I'm not sure I'll ever be able to regain my W's trust now - certainly not without her forgiveness, and that may take years. It also may only be possible to forgive me once she feels safe - by that, I mean once she is happily in love with another person.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How does your wife compete with this threat? A traditional wife could do many things. Lose weight, spruce up the wardrobe, put more emphasis on unmet sexual needs and so on.

She can't because those aren't the things you are getting from the OP.

She can't be a man if that is where you think your sexual orientation is headed.

So she is twice as shocked and twice and helpless compared to a traditional affair versus a gender confusion affair.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know where my sexual orientation is. I feel disgusted with myself after I've done this sort of thing over the years. It is VERY infrequent, because there is extreme shame and guilt after the act is consummated. I have never actually met a man for sex, and the thought is rather disgusting to me. Why, when I'm in a very turned on state, my attitude changes dramatically is what I am trying to figure out through counseling. I don't think it is because I might be "secretly" gay and in denial. Could I be bi? Sure, I suppose. But I know in my heart that I can only LOVE a woman. Sex with a man may indeed be possible, but the only possible gratification from such an act is selfish sexual release. I cannot imagine ever feeling "love" for a man.

Thank you for your words. I wonder, do you have any advice as to what my W can do here? I ask that not in the sense of me being selfish, but rather, how does my W get over the extreme shock of this and right herself? She is hurting right now, as you might imagine, and that fact hurts me greatly. I just don't know what she can do for herself, especially when she seems resigned to wallowing in her pain, anguish and sorrow rather than seeking out some professional help to assist her in moving beyond this.

The one bright spot I have is that I spoke with my own psychologist, explaining that my W is having a hard time right now, and he DID offer to allow her to come in with me during one of my sessions down the road. I mentioned this to her, asked her if she would come with me some night, and she accepted. I don't expect him to have a magic wand, but I do think that if she hears it from a more objective source that this is not unheard of, and that it does NOT mean that I am confused about my sexual orientation, then perhaps that will carry more weight than my untrustworthy words can impart on her.

I just took a look at this thread and haven't finished reading all of it but I did want to comment
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You see, my W is completely and utterly horrified at what I did, and cannot get over it right now. She cannot seem to forgive me.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It took me 12 months to forgive my husband for his EA/PA with OW#2.

After one month ... especially giving the added deminsion of it being an OM... she'll need time, and you cannot rush her, just be there for her.

Be honest, tell her that your EA with an OM had NOTHING to do with her as a woman.. and then work hard to make her feel special and the light of your eyes... tell her you love her, as often and as many times as she needs, even if she has a hard time beleiving it.

Tell her she's beautiful, as often and as many times as she needs, even if she has a hard time beleiving it.

Tell her your sorry, as often and as many times as she needs, even if she has a hard time beleiving it.

Do what others have suggested

Let her vent
Stand up -- your moving out didn't help.. you need to answer, and you may need to keep answering for a while .. you've shaken everything about her, her world, her worth, her value as a woman.

way2