Hello all. It has been quite some time since I’ve been on here… much less posted. Yet I feel compelled to provide a bit of an update and ask the proverbial question of… “Now what?”…which, by the way, is open for anyone who wants to answer. Ok, on to the update.

We are rapidly coming up on the 6 month mark since this whole thing started and at times the pain is as fresh as if it was yesterday. Some days are better than other of course, but it is especially bad when WW has the kids. She has the kids for the next couple of days, and hence, I’m having a bit of a bummer day. Having read a few times that these A’s usually last between 6 months and 2 years… I am keeping an eye peeled for cracks in the armor. Hoping that this thing will unravel fairly soon.

So much has happened in the last couple of months that it is hard to find a place to start, so I will just hit the highlights. Basically the WW has all but moved in with the OM (still two doors down from me). Her car is parked there ever single night that she doesn’t have the kids. They (the kids) ask why she is there every day on the way to daycare. She brings the kids around this guy whenever she gets the chance and much to my feeling of dismay… the kids don’t seem to mind all that much. The kids do pray for mommy (not something that I push… my 4 yo does this on his own) and tell me they want us to be a family again. I have run out of things to say to them. Right now we are in the middle of a temporary custody battle. Her attorney set up a court date but hadn’t filed papers yet… so we beat them to the punch. I think I have a pretty good shot at getting the custody. She has been incredibly irresponsible with the kids, and this guy has a domestic assault conviction from a few years ago. At the very least I don’t want her to be able to bring the kids around him. We are progressing through the divorce process and there seems to be no stopping with her intentions of permanently leaving our marriage.

The hardest part of this is what I know this is doing to the kids. I think she has done a pretty good job of getting me to not want her anymore. But the issue of the kids is another matter. I just do not understand how a mother could so willingly do this to her own children. They are 2 and 4 and are so impressionable right now. I don’t get it.

Here is my question, for give me for it being such a long winded question… it is, I think, a complicated issue:

How am I supposed to parent through al of this? More specifically, how am I supposed to teach them right from wrong when their mother is doing almost everything that I would teach them is wrong. I don’t want them to think that I’m saying their mom is a bad person, but that her behavior is bad. How can I point to her and say “don’t do that” when she says to them that it isn’t bad or wrong at all? This is a question of generalities of course, but it has happened on a few specific occasions. She thinks I’m attacking her by telling the kids that a certain action is wrong and not in line with our values, yet they see mom doing it and she says it is ok. The kids are very young and I try to shield them from as much of this as possible, but take the issue of acting like a raving lunatic. Several times my WW has completely flipped out at me in front of the kids. Swearing and giving me the finger, just generally acting out with not only no consequences but justification for it being ok. How am I supposed to teach the kids what is right and what is wrong? How do I tell them that shacking up with someone is wrong?... mom is doing it, and she is still married to me? How do I teach them that smoking is bad when mom does it right in front of them (a fairly recent behavior change)? How do I teach them that they don’t walk out on their family and marriage, mom did it and is full of reasons why it was ok? Obviously some of this stuff won’t be an issue for a few years to come, but they are developing their value system right now. How am I supposed to be successful at raising good kids when she is standing there telling them that what I say isn’t true?

This woman is still acting like a raging nut case towards me. She is so filled with hate and anger that there is literally no hope for cooperation on her part. My request for such was met with her trying to take the kids away from me. What did any of you guys do?

In conclusion to this long and rambling post (sorry), I still think I love my wife. I would take her back in a second (assuming she met the conditions…. Yadda, yadda, yadda) if for no other reason than for the kids. I can’t imagine a day when I won’t be filled with resent and bitterness… or a day when I could ever trust her again… but I would try like hell for the sake of the kids. I really miss being a family and want THAT back. I’m trying to keep no contact, although at this point it seems more than futile. What now?

Hi WmWB,

Sorry you are feeling so down right now. It hurts my heart to hear when a parent can be sooo irresponsible. Your children are quite young and it is a crime that they s/b denied a childhood.

Such as it is, you need to make the best for them that you can. There are several BS dads here doing just what you are facing. They are surviving and in many cases doing a better job than their Ws'.

I will ask my friend, Indy to see if he can stop by. He doesn't post often but his W also abandoned her children. He has since been able to move from an apt to a home for 2 years, put his children on a schedule, allowed her to see the children when she wanted, even allowed her to skip on some of the CS payments. He gave her a lot of slack and now that he had to relocate she is trying to claim that he is not a fit father. Nothing raises up his dander worse than lies such as those.

He is working with his lawyer to secure custody of his children. He has proven his record by keeping track of his encournters with his W, using his lawyer to pass legal info, his parents have been the 3rd party recipients in some exchange of the children and he as left instructions with the daycare and school regarding how they are to interact with his W. She doesn't like it but she decided her A was more important than her children and lives with the fact that her now Walmart checker fat boy is better than her Sgt H.

Despite the odds against him, he is a good dad and now the rest of the world is taking note. But that takes time and patience.

I recommned you document or journal your situation. Most courts or mediaries often side with the mother unless you can prove she is not fit. Even then it is hard but not impossible. In the interim she may look like she is winning a few battles but in the long run she isn't. Your chldren are not dumb by no means.

Use that to your family's advantage. Reassure your children of your love for them and don't make excuses for your W. Direct some of their ?? about her to her. If she wants to lie to them, they will know. Not right away but they will know. These young ones also know how to cut to the heart of the matter.

If your W is in the fog, she may not have a heart at this time. She will pay the price for that but let that be her issue. Not yours or the childrens.

take care and keep posting.

L.

I cannot offer short term advice, but I can offer some long term hope. Be the best father you can.

Let me tell you a story about a friend of mine. His wife left him when his children were young. There was no OM, but she became obsessed with her own happiness, left the home and divorced her husband.

Fast forwared about 15 years. Youngest son is now 20 and they are at a family reunion for Granny's 80 something birthday. Ex wife's sister is there also and she starts bad mouthing my friend saying he drove her sister away, made her miserable and is repsonsilbe for the problems in her life over the last 15 years. (Real nonsense since he and his children rarely saw her during those 15 years.)

His 20 year old son hears his aunt bad mouthing his dad and walks right up to her and tells her in no uncertain terms, that her sister, their mom, made their lives miserable, she failed to help them at all as they grew up and that they owe everything they are today to their father.

You see, in the long run your children will know who the real parent is. I hope this helps.

<small>[ February 19, 2004, 08:40 PM: Message edited by: JustinExplorer ]</small>