To male BS (especially with 12+ months of recovery),
What was going on in your recovery six months out from DDay? Early on I wanted full recovery while today I'm not sure. Is this normal? Is this an established pattern?

cwmac

I am female .... 8 years recovered...

6 months sucked!

You're right where you're supposed to be!

Don't lose heart.

Take care.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

6 Months was very difficult for me. I think it was the result of knowing we could make it, and being back into reality. But what is the reality at that point? My spouse has hurt me in the worst possible way; I'm not sure she won't do it again even though I doubt it; and worst, where did my self-esteem and self_confidence go?

All of these improve as time goes by, but that 6 month time-frame was tough. Others have described it as a wall. You're probably sick of hearing it, but: Time and patience....

Time and patience. I know. I tell myself that all the time. I also tell my W that but she wants me over my feelings of sadness, anger, fear, low self-esteem etc now. Not in the future. We'll have weeks of progress and then I get upset over a miscommunication or a trigger and all of the old feelings come rushing back. Then I'll call her a name that I regret.

Am I having the time of my life yet??

cwmac

I was gonna post something similar. I'm exactly 6 months out from the d-day of the PA. I'm wondering if it's worth it, but if you guys say this is normal, then I'll believe you. The rest of the advice here has been right on. I've been working so hard the past few months, I think I'll let off the accelerator for awhile.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cwmac:
<strong> To male BS (especially with 12+ months of recovery),
What was going on in your recovery six months out from DDay? Early on I wanted full recovery while today I'm not sure. Is this normal? Is this an established pattern?

cwmac </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">6 months to 12 months were the WORST!! That is when the relief wore off and anger started setting in. Around 8 months was the worst time when I felt like a CHUMP for staying with him. After the 12 month mark it just got better and better every month! But I think these ups and downs are a pretty normal part of recovery, cwmac. Hang in there!

Six months is tough. At five months I felt okay and thought we just might make it through this. Six months came along and WHAM...the crying, anxiety and all the stuff started up again.

Wasn't sure how I would describe my feelings now at eight months...but I think ML nailed it. I feel like a CHUMP. Yep, a CHUMP.

And, yes...I can feel the anger starting to set in.

I guess we are on the road to recovery.

sss

I have lurked here for many months, having found this website shortly after dday #2 (7/03; dday #1 was 10/02, 9 months of fake NC and fake recovery in between). I am a BS (wife). While I have learned and related to many things said on this site, this is the first time I am compelled to join in. I am almost 8 months into "real" recovery and yet all of a sudden all I can think of is "What a chump I am. Why didn't I just cut the cord when I could." Between dday #1 and #2 my H did many awful, lying, hurtful things. Intellectually I know there is absolutely nothing my FWS can do to change the past. I believe he is working hard to change the future--and I have no reason to think dday #3 is waiting to smack me with a 2x4. Many of the fundamental issues that haunted our marriage pre-dday #1 have been brought to light and are being worked on. In short I should be thinking what a great recovery I am having. But somewhere in the last two months all the anger of the early days has seemed to come back full force and the effect of all the positive changes that have been made in my M in the meantime seem to fade away in the face of it. I am beginning to have real doubts that I can ever let the anger go even though I know its not doing me or him any good. H just wants to "move on". I can't blame him. I wouldn't want to be to be reminded everyday of my stupidest mistakes. IC, MC, self-help books, yep been there, done that. The only thing I can think of now is to throw in the towel. I have been thinking "If we didn't stay together, I wouldn't have to deal with this. The A was his fault but what happened after is both of our doing and I just can't do it anymore." It was so nice to see this post and realize I am not the only one.

Thanks to all for the responses. As usual it's nice to know that I'm not alone in my insanity!!

I can relate to all of your comments. Melodylane said," Six to 12 months that is when the relief wore off and anger started setting in." I guess your right thr relief of the affair has worn off. Now I'm not sure I've decided whether I'm angry or whether I'm ambivalent to the whole situation. I go back and forth from one state to the other. Must be very confusing to my W. I know it is for me. Why do we do this? Is it just a dynamic of the stress??

Inandout,
I hate to say this but our stories sound so similar. You could be be the OM's W. Probably not likely. What are the odds? Look at my signature line. The dates don't quite match up but they come close. I'm west of the Mississippi. (it's fun to type that word) Hearing your story makes me wonder what OM's W is going through. OK I know I shouldn't care but I do. I hope she devorces his sorry @$$ and gets full custody of the kids.

Thanks for the support and hang in there everyone. Knowing that we're all in the same boat has cheered me up a bit.

cwmac

Hi cwmac,

I feel like I'm in the same boat too.My WH comes home for good on March 6th and we see our counselor,for the first time as a couple wanting to reconcile,on March 8th.

But my WH isn't even home yet and I feel like I have hit a wall too,the Great Wall of China! I feel so angry and resentful it is eating me up alive and each day that gets closer to the day my WH comes home is worse.I was even thinking of starting a new topic here because it is gnawing away at my heart and soul and I don't know what else to do to handle it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Anyway,I suppose these ambivalent feelings we have are caused by our minds telling us to flee from our spouses because they hurt us so badly but then the flip side is that we are also trying to commit to a reconciliation at the same time,so at least for me,I can't stop thinking about things ALL DAY LONG.It's like my mind is trying to figure out this major mathematical equation and no matter how I keep turning it over in my mind,the answer does not appear.

Some days I just feel like it would be so much easier to cut my WH loose than to try and make things work.It's a struggle for sure.Ugh.I hope that things get a bit easier one of these days.

O

Octobergirl,
That's it. You communicated the feeling beautifully.

Here's another thought (negative). Everyone always says that "Divorce is the easy way out." I know they are trying to highlight all of the tough work that goes into a great marriage. But look at it another way.

I believe that divorce is really the tough route because
1)it highlights the failure of the marriage to the entire world
2) for the BS it'll amplify the humiliation of the A and the associated rejection
3) it may lower the self-esteem of both parties
4) despite the high percentage of divorces in America today I still believe that all involved are tainted to some degree including the children
5) causes depression for most involved including the children for the above reason.
6) ahh the children... being the product of a divorce (caused by infidelity) I can speak first hand. I acted out in class being the class clown/goof. Realize now that I never had high self esteem. Covered it with false bravado through early 20's. Didn't bring good relationship skills into my M. Now history repeats itself.
7) Top all of that off with the fact that my state has no fault divorce and community property laws that go out of their way to encourage infidellity and divorce.

Add all of these factors up and what have you got? I'm not sure but it doesn't sound easy or fun to me.

cwmac

Yes,I agree with what you said.Not only dd I have two daughter's to consider,but I grew up in a divorced household which still "haunts" me today and I had the added bonus of two very dysfunctional parents although my mom is a changed woman and we have been very close for many years now.

Also,in my WH side of the family there has NEVER been a divorce and it is frowned upon.His family is a somewhat conservative but a very well respected one(i.e doctor's,pillars of community,etc).

So,talk about pressure.Me wanting to be married for the rest of my life,cherishing marriage,not wanting to repeat the same mistakes my parents made,not wanting to disappoint my in-laws,not wanting to hurt my children,etc,etc,etc.

That song from Billy Joel comes to my mind a lot: Pressure.LOL

Well,here's to better days!

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ March 02, 2004, 06:35 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>