I'm new here. My initial post is under Just Found Out... "New Victim, Need Advice".

I don't know if this is the right place to ask this, but I forgot to ask my counselor last week. I want to continue a sexual relationship with my W, but she has no interest right now. She says she doesn't understand why I'm not disgusted with her and she doesn't want to give me false hope. I have feelings for her that haven't been this intense in a long time, if ever. I know that part of it is that I desperately want to be close to her, and part is that she is projecting a much sexier and confident image because of all the attention she is getting from me and the OM. I guess there's not much advice you can give here. She knows how I feel, so I guess I'll just have to wait until she feels enough for me to be with me. In the mean time, I will try not to push her and I will try to provide for her other emotional needs. Any comments/thoughts/advice?

interesting - I am in a similar place.
We are 5 weeks into my discovery of his A. At first he was initating alot of sex and I thought it was because he wanted to show off all his new "techniques". I want to keep this marriage together so I went along - and enjoyed it!
But lately his interest is off, and mine is more than ever.
He has ended the A, did the NC and had a rough couple of weeks. He is just getting into speaking positivly about the future for us and begining to open up to me again. But his interest in sex is less. I am so determined that I am feeling those rush feelings of affection.
Weird huh?

I was in the same place, but W (FWS) was pretty understanding about this. I think part of my heightened desire right after d-day was the desire to reclaim "my territory", if you know what I mean.

Hi Cards1 and anotherone

Welcome to MB,

As for your question, you need to give your S's some time. My FWW went through withdraw for 7 weeks. All you can really do is tell them you love them, show them that love and give it Time, Patience, and Love.

I don't know your religion I am a Christian and base my thoughts on those beliefs. If your S's have also asked God for forgiveness then they are clean. And if you have forgiven them then you need to let them know that they are clean to you. Something very important to them. You already guessed that it takes time. Each person has their own time to heal, just keep meeting their emotional needs. You can also let them know that you will wait until they are willing to make the first move. It will be just that much better when they come to you.

God Bless

As I read this, I find it very strange. Why would one want to be intimate with someone who is sleeping with someone else. It is like being in a threesome. It is difficult to understand how an unfaithful person could sex appeal when their actions of betrayal should actually be a turn off. Is there a codependency issue or lack of self-steem? Or do you want to compete with the OP and show that you are a better lover? It is an interesting situation since most people would feel hurt and are afraid as to what infections may be contracted.

Sorry, I didn't explain the situation very well. She has been with the OM once. She is not seeing him like that any more. Maybe I'm just being naive, but I believe that she will not be intimate with him until/if she decides to leave me for him. I don't think it is that strange. She's my W and she sleeps in the same bed with me. I find her incredibly attractive and I love her very much. Maybe I'm a little insecure and I want some proof that she still loves me. I think that's what is holding her back the most.

I guess I want to be intimate with my WH because I need to feel that he loves me. But, honestly, that is the only time I feel love from him and it often leaves me feeling very used and good for only one thing.

I am so much more attractive than the OW, but I feel like I am so inferior to her in many ways. My H says they didn't have anything physical, but I find that hard to believe. And he's lied so much I don't know what to believe anymore.

Sometimes I want to hold back and not let him touch me, but I fear that that will only cause him to stray further.

This is messing up my self-esteem though. How can I not be good enough to be with emotionally, but he can want to be with me sexually? I don't get it. The two go hand in hand for me.

Nid,

This is just one guy's opinion, so take it with a grain of salt. I think men and women in general have different emotional attachments to sex. Of course sex is a very emotional thing for a man. I think most of my feelings right now are driven by emotion. But, I think some men at least, have the ability to disconnect a bit when it comes to sex. These are just my thoughts as the man that I am, they could be totally irrelavant to your situation.

The first thing I did when I found out was go to the Docs and get tested for every STD out there. Came back clean.
I think my feelings for my WH are the same as they have always been. We have always had an exciting and active sex life, and it barely waned during his A.
He ended his A immediatly upon my discovery.
I am using the idea that the more love I put out there, emotionally and physically, the more I get back.
During the time of his A, I was quite emotionally distant. Not excusing his A, but trying to understand what role I have here. I am trying to go back to the way we were in the early years when we were great. By behaving in a manner that makes him feel loved (and guys seem to want the physical assurance) I am hoping he will know my sincerity.
All that said, he is not off the hook for his betrayal of our marriage. We are working on this actively.

I also struggled with this very subject during my husband's A. At first I thought how gross, but then after I went and was tested and everything came back clean for some reason when he assured me he was using protection I believed him. I continued to have sexual relations with him and I look back now and I don't understand how I could do it either. He wasn't having them with OW during the six weeks that he returned, but he wanted to and he even told me so. He also tried to get her to, he would see her every night at work and come home to me and we would have S. Now when I look back I was used and it really doesn't feel that good thinking about it. I don't know what the correct way to go about it is. I wish I hadn't now that I am where I am.

I was the same way when FWS was in the middle of his A. BSs either don't want anything to do with the WS or want to "reclaim their territory". It did confuse the heck out of FWS, but that is actually a good thing when they are still involved with OW. The way to my FWS was to establish a strong emotional connection and for us I don't think we could have done it without Retrouvaille. See if she will go on a weekend with you.

As for the question of why, I believe everyone is different. We had not been intimate when the A started and it was like a light switch had been turned on. I thought about seducing FWS, but I never did. We didn't end up doing anything until some emotional intimacy had been restored.

I have to admit that I never knew when FWS was with OW. It turns out they were together once while we were sleeping together. I'm not saying I wasn't LB'ing during this time. I was struggling with everything as well, but sometimes I felt close to FWS and I accepted responsibility for my actions.

My situation is a little different.

My H never wanted SF...or should say rarely wanted it. When we did it was great and left me wanting more and wondering why we weren't like that all the time.

When I discovered my H's A I was stunned. I felt like I was always begging for SF and now he's going out to get that somewhere else. Maybe I could understand more if things were the other way around and it was my H begging for SF and not me.

That was a huge blow to my self esteem. It made me feel like less of a person. Like I was not worthy of his physical attention but this other woman was.

I'm not sure if it was the A that changed him but he is very passionate now. He is very willing to intiate SF. I'll go ahead and add as some of you already know this....I had some "work done" after I found out about the A and that has really boosted my confidence. My H says that my confidence is what turns him on now. Before I wouldn't go to bed without a t-shirt on and I would never let him see me naked. I guess he hated that.

Anyway, SF now is wonderful but I wonder if I'm sending mixed signals by being so eager. I'm still really really hurt and I'm considering Plan B now.

How in the world could I do plan b knowing that the great SF will just stop?

Sorry I wasn't trying to dominate the thread.

Just wanted to mention that I could relate to this thread and add my 2 cents. I know my situation is a little different.

I'm just confused by my reaction and when I read this thread I saw that there were others out that that had a similar reaction.

Hi 'cards1'.
When I discovered that my husband (of 20 years) was seeing another lady it was like I became a different lady!

I no longer took him for granted; I felt a love and passion for him like I felt when we were dating.

I just wanted to give and give in a sexual loving way,(ALL WAYS) wanted to win him back I guess and prove I loved him more than SHE ever could!

It is like we don't realize how much we care until we feel we may lose them!
And then it is like an explosion of love, passion, affection and caring goes off in our brains!

Since the OW found a new 'sweetie' and dumped my husband, he went through a rough withdrawal; I was there for him!
We seem to be healing very nicely!
I have forgiven him and do not bring it up anymore! (It has been 7 months since the affair ended.)

So often, we take our partners for granted.
We get so involved with our kids, our other family members and friends that good ole hubby is someone that brings home the paycheck, does the outside chores around the house and sits around and watches TV.
Oh, we feed him too!
(And wifeys also get taken for granted.)

One way you might try to wooo your wife it to go on a date and 'park' on the way home; act like a teenager!
(My H and I made a great memory after 'the affair' on a country dirt road!)
Most affairs have their SEX in the car, it is exciting and romantic.
Give it a try if your wife is willing!
Love, Julie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ March 03, 2004, 11:26 AM: Message edited by: Blessed TIME ]</small>

I would like to add my two cents worth here. As a FWW I have to say that the sex with the OM was not better than it was with my H. I think the emotional attachment enhances the sexual part. My H has never been the type to openly compliment me and the OM was. I am 42 and have been married for 23 years. My husband was my one and only sexual relationship until the A. I cannot tell you how badly I regret that. I was the OM's 4th and his W knows nothing about any of his A's. A has been over for about 7 months now and I want so badly to resume an intimate relationship with my husband (sexually) but he is diabetic and is having difficulties in that area. During the A and even before, my H and I were basically not having sex at all. I guess the idea of while in the A of having sex with the OP and your spouse is hard to understand. For the WS that has got to be the epitome of self loathing. Don't get me wrong, I have enough self-loathing to go around but I can't imagine how hard it would have been to have also been involved in two sexual relationships at the same time.