Folks,
This is getting very embarrassing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I appreciate all of your comments, but when the talks turn to handling things as Jesus did... Let me just say that all comparisons along that line are not warrented, really NOT warrented.
But, I do thank you for your kind words.
B4Long, a few comments.
First, I was not aware that I was making an gender assumption when I typed to you, but apparently that is what I typed. My apologies.
Second, I am neither a BS nor a WS. I came here long ago when this forum was very different. There were no categories, just people posting and reading about a large number different issues in one category. I never intended to post, but just read and learn, but one day a woman posted here, and her story just got to me and I had to say something.
Her story was so tragic to me, that I felt compelled to comment and I did, and it began.
I felt your post was directed at possible harm, because in my mind anything else wouldn't have been worth the post you made. I assumed that if someone doesn't like what I say, they ignore me. I suspect the lopsided responses on this thread might suggest this is true. I don't know.
I will offer you my take on what I have learned here. One is, as has been mentioned here, the WS often comes here in the "fog". And when they are not in the fog, it is the "woe is me" take on things. IN fact as it was pointed out, the "woe is me" thinking is what often leads to affairs or at least not appreciating what our spouses bring to our marriages. You could easily classify me in the "woe is me" class when I first came here.
What I have seen and learned is that this type of thinking no matter how comforting is NOT productive, and the sooner one gets out of it the better and really this is true for the BS and the WS. So my approach is to address it, and clearly point it out. I don't care how they come out of this thinking (mad, contrite, embarrassed, whatever) as long as they come out of it. THEN they can make decisions, they can learn, and they can address their life.
I have noticed that appealing to people in this mode from the "gentile" side of things rarely works, and if it does it is a long process. Perhaps it is better. I would urge you to counter my approach with your own if you strongly feel this way. I am sure many people in the "woe is me" will feel more comfortable with your approach.
But, with WS's the big battle is with the "fog" and being subtle, appealing to their sense of fairness, responsibility often does not work, which is why it is called the "fog".
One of the things I like about the Harley approach to marriages is it is reality based. It is looking at the data, the responses, the behavior and recognizing when something can and should be done, and where one needs to ride things out. Plan A and Plan B come to mind.
But, in my mind the sooner the WS or even the BS comes out of focusing on their own pain, guilt, whatever, and focuses on their spouse the better. So I take the approach I do.
I will say one other thing. There are posters I don't post to. Sometimes it is just a matter of time, sometimes it is because the other good people here seem to have said all I could and done it much better, and sometimes it is because what I want to say is NOT going to be productive. Interestingly, there are a lot more BS's in that last category than there are WS's. So I bite my tongue and move on.
I am sorry you don't care for my approach, and if you really do think it is causing harm, I would appreciate hearing more about that. It is not my intent, but I am not here to just make someone feel good. I view this very much as a problem solving issue, and one doesn't solve problems NOT facing what has happened. I am sure you know that.
There are a few people here who I have had the pleasure of meeting in person. I think most might suggest that I am far more blunt in person than on this board. Here I do try to take the time to phrase things in an optimal way.
But, as odd as it sounds, I enjoy people and I enjoy the back and forth that goes on in this site. I enjoy watching people learn and change their perspective, and yes a few good jokes helps. This is serious stuff, but one must like this stuff to stay here and post. One may not like the situations, but the growth, the changes, and often outcome are wonderful. Perhaps it is because I am anxious to see these changes, that I push hard sometimes.
Perhaps you are right, there is a better way. I would encourage you to use it so that I may learn from it. I like learning, although it is often painful. That is why I responded to you on a separate thread. IF you have something for me to learn I would like to hear it, but better yet to show me how to do it.
I was very worried that you felt I was harming people and perhaps you do. It is not my intention, but if they get angry at me and that is a catalyst for their change then OK, I can handle that.
I look forward to your response.
God Bless,
JL
