I'll be back...

dewt,

I think JL is onto something with the Plan B idea. You've Plan A'd forever and ever, and she's still not willing to commit to working on the M. Plan B is designed for removing yourself from a situation when the pain is so great your love bank is in danger of being emptied - sounds like you're there. It's also designed to get a wayward spouse off the fence and out of the fog - sounds like you're there, too.

If she knows I'm waiting, it will never end.

But if you're in Plan B she'll get slapped in the face with the reality of your absence. It's one thing for her to say to herself she doesn't really depend on you that much, or for her to talk herself into believing she should be angry for this or that - and thus justify keeping her cold and callous heart toward you. If you're in Plan B, though, she won't have little offenses to pick at and ruminate over. She will also wake up to how much she misses the good aspects of you (because of your Plan A).

Plan B would be a heck of a thing to do in front of the boy.

Face it, things aren't exactly a bed of roses for him right now, either. How old is he? Is he living with her or with you? How much would you have to communicate with your W about him?

Furthermore, it will harden me faster and more fully than anything else I can think of.

Or it may free you from the relentless invasion this situation is having on your life. It may be a weight off your shoulders knowing you don't have to deal with it for a while. You could have some solitary time to gain peace, become more centered, and listen to your heart without the pains of her uncaring attitude. You may find there is a lot more hope and love left than you thought, or you may find that life on your own is one heck of a good deal. Either way, you'd have direction, which seems to be what you're looking for.

Now, let me throw in a big whopping disclaimer that I've never done a Plan B so I'm just spouting theories here. Those are things I'd consider if I were in your shoes, not words of personal experience.

soulloss, wow... fancy meeting you here...

turtlehead, thanks so much for posting again! I will think about what you said and post this evening when I've a bit more time.

dewt

Alrighty then... I'm back... phew... what a day. Very very discouraging day today. My son is not taking any of this very well and there are daily incidents at school. Things like spitting on other kids, ignoring teachers etc... I've put in a request for counselling for him, but I'm not sure how long it would take. Heck, I could use some counselling too, but no money/no time so the keyboard will have to do for now.

Anyway... I've put some thought into your post, Turtlehead (geez, I love that name!)

First of all, I gotta admit to doing probably one of the worst 'Plan A's around. Without writing a book for a post, lemmee just say that the only time my 'Plan A' was any good was when I had a couple of shots of rye whiskey in me and after a week of that, I couldn't stand the thought of another shot. So that went out the window.

I've got problems with Plan B... not that I haven't written like 4-5 plan B letters over the past few months... but parenting requires communication and so does sorting out the mundane aspects of what used to be our life... finances, furniture, stuff etc... so while I appreciate how it can be a useful thing, I doesn't seem practical. Furthermore, I don't think she's actively 'involved' with the OP anymore... I believe they are still in communication, but beyond that, I dunno, and to be frank, have forced myself to come to the conclusion that it is no longer any of my business.

I guess in a way, it's a modified Plan B... I no longer ask her any personal questions. I don't ask her about our future, or what she's thinking. In many little ways, those questions have already been answered for me and I guess I'm just trying to deal with it in my own ways. I'm trying to move on with my life, as was suggested to me by virtually everyone that knows us and our situation. I kept getting the feeling that everyone else knew something that I didn't. It's not about her affair, or any 'fog'... it's about her being in love with me and wanting to be with me. Though lacking a concrete resolution, I've been given the answers consistantly in many little and not so little ways.

I think there is little doubt that she has been slapped in the face with the fact of our absence (the boy and I left and moved 4 hours away)... it has been close to three months and there's been nothing to indicate any change in her position. Her official position, btw, is a separation of 6-12 months to decide what she wants. My turn to be cold and callous, but that is totally unacceptable. I'm not going to wait around for that long, in limbo, to see if someone else thinks I'm worth having around. I've been told I need to learn to love myself and though I may be a way off from that, at least I'm going to have enough respect for myself to declare that I'm not going to accept being subjected to that. In fact, if there's one line that I've not wavered on, it's that I do not believe in, nor support separation. I cannot conceive of working on a marriage by being apart. For a few weeks, that I could accept... but beyond that? Sorry... that's a break up. The future may hold a getting back together, but I'm pretty firm on the 'separation' thing, and made that plain right from the start. I went so far as to confess that I'd probably be dating very quickly... (a pattern of mine- I'm not the single type)

As for the boy, no, things are definitely not a bed of roses. That's a big factor here, too. I believe that some sort of resolution to this issue would at least allow us to move forward and deal with things. Mom and Dad are getting a divorce... ok... that sucks, but we can grow to accept the fact and learn to live with it. Limbo sucks worse. I'm a relatively mature adult and I've had an enormously tough time dealing with it... I can't subject him to 'limbo'... it's not right.
I see evidence of that every single day.

As for the relentless invasion of this situation... yikes... no way to escape that... I live in a small one bedroom apartment. I sleep on a fold-out couch and tackle all of lifes thingies entirely on my own. Breakfast, ready for school/work... I work all day then be Dad and Mom till bed time. Only in the last few weeks have I begun to enjoy anything resembling a personal life and even that is sporadic and fit in around a next to impossible schedule. Nah... Plan B would only alienate us and prevent us from functioning as parenting adults with a heck of a mess to clean up. As I've mentioned before... I think she's done with me... I've thought this for a long time and it's been getting tough to ignore. I'm at the stage now where I'm trying to look forward and would rather focus on maintaining a working relationship with her than drawing this whole painful thing out. If it's over, then let it be over so we can move on, I guess is what I'm saying.

Others have told me that the power to move on is in my hands. I hadn't really looked at it from that perspective, but after thinking about it, I guess it's true. I could just say, "to heck with the whole thing," and that would be that. I guess this is what this thread is about... I really value my family and would have fought to the death to keep it intact, part of me still feels that way, but I'm sick of fighting losing battles and this battle cannot be won as a 1 player game.

Can I allow myself to move on with the feeling that I've done the best I could to keep my family intact? I think I've got issues there. Lemmee try to phrase it another way... I've got such torment over this... I'm torn... so torn...

And you've all pointed out that the fact that I'm torn is reason to keep hanging in there... I see what you are saying, and appreciate it... you gotta understand though, a year ago, I wasn't torn...

In retrospect, it is easy to see our marriage had problems, but despite those problems, I could never have imagined a life apart. I honestly believed that my Wife loved me and cared for me... would never purposely hurt me... would never leave me... that no matter what life threw in our paths, we'd get through it... together.

I can't say the same things anymore... what's more, I'm beginning to get an idea why I can't. How many times, in my past have I been in this kind of situation? Enough... though this is my first time as a BS. (ps... me being a BS is like the biggest trick karma ever played...) The point is, these are the behaviours of a person who desperately wants out... and in this case who has wanted out, for at the very least, the last four years... and who was probably dissatisfied for a couple of years before that...

And I've tried... falling far short... and as I'm learning now, there's a point where the bottom line kicks in, and trying isn't the same as doing. Not by a longshot. Now, in my life, there is 'do or do not do'... on so many levels...

Single parenting is one heckuva shock... now I'm not only doing what I thought was my best, I'm also doing everything else that needs to get done!!! It's weird... it's cathartic... scary...

That all this happened the way it happened, freaks me out. (I'm babbling because I need to... sorry...) I can't help but think that she just wants out... plain and simple... that the fight has gone out of her, where we are concerned, but for some reason, she just can't bring herself to actually say it... that she never could... but that she had to... there's no other explanation for this complicated, painful and unlikely a scenario...

Despite my belief that we would see old age together, I've been struggling with the fear and the fact that she does not 'want' me in the ways that I wanted her. It has been a main issue in many of our 'relationship talks' and is the main issue throughout this whole disastrous development.

(insert long, long pause of staring blankly at monitor screen)

I gotta stop writing now, because I'm not making sense to even myself anymore... I'm grateful to have a place to get this all out though... thanks all.

dewt

dewt

<small>[ March 18, 2004, 10:13 PM: Message edited by: dewt ]</small>

Dewt,

I am so sorry and shocked by your post. I actually had tried calling you guys today but the number was disconected and decided to come here and see if either of you had posted so I could figure out how to get in touch with you.
Please know that I will keep all 4 of you (you, soulloss, and your 2 boys) in my thoughts and prayers.
I'll be back to read your posts again and see what insight I can offer when I have a bit more time.

Until then take care and God Bless,

dewt,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> In retrospect, it is easy to see our marriage had problems, but despite those problems, I could never have imagined a life apart. I honestly believed that my Wife loved me and cared for me... would never purposely hurt me... would never leave me... that no matter what life threw in our paths, we'd get through it... together. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have no real advice to offer here. I just wanted to tell you, this quote is exactly my thoughts and feelings, too, except substitute "husband" for "wife".

It is hard. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

LL

Gaahhhh...

Nicole!!! Omigosh...

ok...

my email...

dewt2003@hotmail.com

please email me asap... I will email ya back with phone numbers...

dewt

LL,

Yep, it is hard... it is indeed. I wish I was doing better... handling things better that is... I know you keep saying the same thing... and I know you can relate... I just want to say I look up to you in a lot of ways... I wish I had your patience and perserverance... (don't laugh, I'm serious)

dewt

Dewt,

Email had been sent.

Sorry I'm still short on thoughts here, Sunday's can be a bit hectic, with all the kids around. I work tomorrow and Friday but am off Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday. I will definetly have some clear thoughts on this by one of those days.

Talk to you soon, and take care

dewt,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I wish I had your patience and perserverance... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Perseverance, maybe (or maybe stupidity).

Patience--absolutely none! I want this whole thing over with NOW! I tell myself each day I can't take it anymore. But then the perseverance/stupidity kicks back in.

LL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lordslady:
<strong> dewt,

[QUOTE] I tell myself each day I can't take it anymore. But then the perseverance/stupidity kicks back in.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's what I admire you for. Mine has kicked right out on a lot of levels and rearing it's head on others. I'm freaked.

dewt