This is my first post, however, I have been lurking for years. I will try to summarize this very long story:
I had an affair 5 years ago, my husband and I divorced. The man I had the affair with is divorced and we have been together since.
We each have two children. My ex husband is engaged, his ex wife is engaged, and we are engaged. I have a great relationship with my ex, he has an up and down relationship with his ex. Appears that everyone has moved on and forgiven, right? NO -I feel so guilty about breaking up two marriages, that it is driving me crazy! I am so sorry to everyone for what I have done...my children, their father, his kids, his ex, our families, everyone. I can't seem to let go of the guilt and allow myself any happiness. I appologize if this sounds all jumbled, this is the first time I have put my feelings into words. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Hello there...

Sounds like you've been carrying that for some time. Have you ever shared this with anyone else before? I would imagine that it must help some to be able to unload this. However it would seem to me that while there might be some temporal relief in posting anonomously here like this, that the real relief will come when you make amends with the people you have hurt and sought their forgiveness.

This really is not a 'spiritual' board, persay, although many believers to frequent this as I assume you must know from being a long time reader. Do you have a minister you might consult with?

Obviously, you cannot undo your past. And it will destroy you if you continue to live there with guilt and remorse. But if you took some constructive steps to initiate some healing with the others involved, you will more than likely find the peace you are longing for.

Don't be afraid to move in that direction. It can happen. But it will have to be a "God thing", in my opinion...so why not let Him begin working there for you.

Oh, by the way, did your ex husband know about the affair?

B4

oops, I got booted off

B4, thank you so much for responding. I have been carrying this weight around for years, and it seems to be getting worse. I am not overly religious but I have been thinking of going back to church. I want to go to confession and start from there. I know that I need to address everyone I hurt and make ammends, however, I do not know where to begin. I have told my ex many times how sorry I am, and he knows that I am sorry. He did find out I was cheating and wanted me to attend counseling, but I was so foggy that I never even entertained the thought, I just wanted out of my marriage (that was a good marriage, no issues, no abuse, nothing). I think I am just feeling like I need to be alone (with my children). I feel like as long as I am in this relationship, I am a horrible person. Thanks for listening.

So tell me....any possibility of reconciliation with your ex husband...or has to much water passed under the bridge for that?

It's one thing to 'be sorry' for past actions. It's another thing to truly be repentant, which means you do everything within your power to make some things right. At whatever cost. But I would think that staying in this relationship with your friend whom you had the affair with will always be a constant reminder of your past transgressions. And that does no include all the other issues that will surface in relationships like this. You said everyone is 'engaged' now. How definite is all that?

well, we have all been engaged for "years" and no one has married.
Family and friends all tell me that I will, someday, be back with my ex (when we give no indication of wanting this). In fact, they tell him too, but he simply states "not after what she put me through", which is true!
I think all the families involved, although, they have accepted the relationship, would love to see the original couples together again (for the children).
It's the saying of "If I could turn back time"

B4, I know this is a tough question (without knowing my story for the past 5 years) but how do I make things right? Do I give up this relationship knowing what damage was done to everyone? Hurting the children again? Do I try to put my family intact, hurting my ex's SO in the process? I know, in my heart, that S.O.'s wife would go back to him. This is why I am so confused. After 5 years, what is right?

Iamsorry, I posted this on my thread but in case you don't go back there....

I just wanted to send you a hug! (((Iamsorry))).

I don't really have much wisdom to share, but hang in there, you will get a lot of support here from people who genuinely care and know what they are talking about. The only thing I can suggest is that you forgive yourself, now and don't let the mistakes of the past destroy you or your current relationships.

Thank you mrsx, I needed that.

I realize prolonged periods of time can certainly complicate things. And I don't mean to suggest that a spouse is someone that 'belongs' to someone like personal property, but take for example the case in Philadelphia that's been in the news. A mother was reunited with her daughter most everyone thought was killed in a fire 5 years ago. Turns out she was kidnapped by another woman who set the fire to make it look like the child was killed.

Just because all this time has passed does not mean the biological mother was disqualified in having her child back. The length of time makes it complicated, but the relationship should be able to be restored despite the time and issues that have arisen. This might be off the point here, but what I am trying to say is it's NEVER to late to make things right and correct...what can be fixed.

You said something about going to church/confession. Personally, I think that would be a good start...getting your life in order with God...because He really does love you despite the mistakes you have made. And it is Him who will ultimately bring you peace and can enable you to rectify a number of issues.

Again, speaking from my own opinion, I'd hold off making any significant life changing decisions until I had cleared up some matters. Who knows what might be restored. Stranger things have happened. :-)

Are you currently living with your 'fiance'? How is he coping with all this, and does he know about your feelings of guilt? Does he share similar feelings?

There is an old proverb that says the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. I know you feel a thousand miles away from being healed now, but making a start in that direction is a good thing.

I would advise getting some spiritual counseling to talk about your guilt and freeing yourself from it. That seems to be the most important thing you need to pursue, given what you have shared here.

You said things with your ex and you are good now. I guess that is encouraging....for the kids sake. How many kids do you have and what are their ages? Do they live with you? Are they hopeful to see you and your ex back together? I would think working on helping them heal from this would be the next step.

I know it all must seem intimidating right now to you...but remaining in the place you are in and doing nothing...has proven to be fruitless as well.

You can do this. And God will help you if you let him.

<small>[ March 11, 2004, 08:35 AM: Message edited by: B4Long ]</small>

Iamsorry-

I think you're wise to take your time in considering whether you want to follow through with the engagement to this OM. Regardless of which path you choose, as long as you're honest with everyone involved, you can't go wrong. In the meantime, I'd suggest you look up Hopeful_Person's thread. If you haven't seen it, her story might interest you. Good luck!

Litchfield, thank you for the kind words
B4, I have lived with him for 4 years which makes things even more complicated. My children are 10 and 7 (makes me sick to think I did this to them so young). My children really love my fiance but I know that my oldest (daughter) always holds on to the "mommy and daddy back together" dream. My son is less vocal about it as he was young when this happened. My fiance knows I feel guilty, but has no idea of the extent. He has never shown any emotions regarding this (guilt, sadness, whatever). I know he must feel something, but he hasn't said it. He has said that he doesn't regret it, but I think that is only to ease my guilt. I could type forever. I will take some time and post a full history.
Thank you to everyone for taking the time to give me some great advise!

Iamsorry,

Have you discussed your feelings of guilt with your fiance'? Does he also have feelings of guilt? Does he entertain ideas of reuniting with is exW?

I think you're wise to not jump in and get married while there are doubts in your mind. Even if your fiance' is a fabulous person, your guilt (and possibly his) could taint the relationship - in fact, already does. Is that something you two can work through? Is it an indicator that the two of you are better off friends than spouses? That's something only the two of you can decide (as individuals and as a couple).

Have you considered IC?

Turtlehead, We have been through couples counseling, this past summer was horrible between us. I know I need to go on my own to work through my issues.
I am working on the longest engagement ever! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Litchfield, I just read Hopeful's story. WOW! I am speechless

Iamsorry,

How long has your ex and your SO's ex been engaged?

Do you sense everyone sort of hanging on waiting for "something" to happen?

If that is so, then perhaps there more future with your exH than you think or even he thinks.

You have been offered some good ideas. If I may I would like to offer sort of a paraphrase of what B4 has suggested.

B4 suggested that the presence of the former other man, OM, now SO is a constant reminder of what you two did.

B4 suggested relying on your personal faith for guidance.

The topic of repentance was mentioned.

You also mentioned that you have not sought counciling.

B4 recounted the story of the mother and her child being reunited after 6 years. I will tell you that there are several situations on this site where divorce couples have reunited. I would urge you to read Hopeful_person's posts which could be found by searching Recovery or General Questions. In the divorced section there is a lady Blackberry who just remarried her H.

It seems to me that the only way out of the quandary you are in is to take action. The issue is what action?

My suggestion is to seek help via your religion and seek counseling. Now I will admit to a bias. I would like to see you seek counseling with a pro-marriage counselor as they seem to avoid the trap of simply trying to make you feel better. I would love to see your marriage restored IF possible.

But, that may not be. So take your first step by seeking counseling, religious and secular, if you can do it.

After that if the guilt is not relieved, then I would seek to remove a major trigger from my life, your SO.

I make this last statement, because 5 years later you are NOT married to him. Suggesting that you both realize that there are issues that have NOT been resolved.

I would also like offer for your consideration that no matter what the ex's say, they are both holding off getting married because they have unresolved issues, both clearly have mixed feelings about you and your SO.

It seems to me this is a mess because all parties seem to sense that the obvious direction is NOT the one they should take. The obvious direction is to marry the person each of you are currently engaged to.

I think talking about these issues with counselors and seeking religious guidence is the way to go.

I hope that something I have said is of help.

God Bless,

JL

JL, thank so for your reply. It is very enlightening. My ex has been engaged over a year and his for a bit over two. I know for myself, I do not want to get married because I will NEVER go through another divorce, EVER! SO's ex moved his children 8 hours from him a three years ago (it was a move, I suspect, to hurt him to the very core). I often wonder how differently things would be if she had stayed in the area.

My relationship with my SO has been very shaky for some time, probably due to the fact I am harboring all this guilt. I feel that this relationship is in some way, sinful.

I know that I need to pursue counseling, and I have a few calls in right now to find a therapist. I will also be seeking advise through church as well.

I have been carrying this on my shoulders for so long, I don't think my legs can carry me anymore.

Thanks again.

JL,

I also forgot to mention that my ex's fiance lives in another state (about 4 hours from him). I have discussed with him what he plans to do in regards to the distance (we talk openly about these things). He states he won't move because of our kids and his business and she won't move because of her job and her children. He said something a few weeks ago about waiting until our children are in college (they are 10 and 7 now). I guess that got me thinking that he is dragging his feet for some reason.

I think it is good that you are seeing the issues now that you have rather then to M and see the, then . I have no advice to you just something to think about , a thought I had about my life while H was with his OW .

I would never be with anohter unless I could give my hole heart to that person . If my H or even part of it belong to my H it would never be fair to the OP .

I would never make any life decisions concerning another person until I was satisfied I was complete in finding out who I am .

I shared these thoughts with my H while he was having an A . I told him to think about them as well .

What I am saying is even if you and H do not reconcile I still would be true to my heart and if that meant being alone then that is what I would do .

Yes your children are in this 2 but better to break it off then to go through a D again . JUST some thought .

take the steps your taking and seek help in church and counsoling , be honeat with yourself and then you can be honest with others .


YOUR xh does not have to M if his heart is not in it or he could , but that still doeasn't change how you feel .

Iamsorry,

Just a shot in the dark here. Is the guilt increasing because you are in fact having troubles with your SO? Is it because the relationship with SO has not been what you thought, making the damage done to all families seem all the more terrible because it was done for a relationship that is NOT fulfilling you?

The common statistic cited around here and it comes from a book whose author's name illudes me I think it is Frank Pittman, is that only about 3% of affairs lead to successful marriages.

So the other issue is your current relationship and the health of it. This may be leading to your enhanced sense of guilt. I am not saying you should not feel any, but it seems to be dominating things now. I would also bet it will as your children get older. As they do the role of each parent/gender becomes more obvious as the kids go through different development stages.

In any case, please think about it. I apologize fo the disjointedness of this message as I had a meeting to attend in the middle of it.

God Bless,

JL