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A few months ago I have confided in one of my trusting woman friends at work about OM and what happened. We have been friends for 9 years already and she is a sincere person I can trust. She is working as an administrator in the same building where OM works, so she sees him daily. I used to share the office with her 4 or 5 years ago and then I moved to another building in the institution. This is when the e-mails with OM started. Anyway, in the past my friend regularly invited me to visit her in the office during tea/lunch breaks, but because I was afraid I might bump into OM, I start avoiding going there. I realized it would appear strange if I just continue avoiding her office without any explanation and then I told her about OM.
Anyway, since my H has lost his job in this same institution and because of financial reasons, I'm riding with her to work. She is parking NEXT to OM’s vehicle, so this has caused my anxiety to increase during the past few weeks. The fear that I might bump into OM is the cause of this anxiety and it’s difficult for me to control it but so far I’m doing relatively good and it’s under control.
I have told this friend about the e-mail I’ve received last week and she understands the circumstances and the importance of keeping NC with OM. Today she has told me that OM has asked her for the birthdays of some staff members in the Faculty (she have all the staffs’ information) and he was asking for the date of my birth too. He said to her that people don’t have interest in each other anymore and he wants to start sending birthday greetings to staff members in the Faculty. Well, well, can you believe this??? OM is not supposed to know that she knows about our inappropriate friendship, so she gave it on his request. My birthday is on the 14th of March (this coming Sunday), so she warned me that he might send/e-mail me birthday greeting tomorrow or on Monday. If he e-mail something again I will just delete it without reading it this time, but I’m afraid he might phone. I’m afraid I might not be strong enough to hang up the phone or tell him to back off and not call me again – I don’t want to appear rude.
I want to avoid ANY contact with this man. I don’t want to find myself in a position where I might say the wrong thing or act wrongly. That’s why I have started wondering if it will not be better if my friend told OM straight that she knows about everything and that he must leave me alone and not try to contact me. I know this is my problem and maybe inappropriate for someone else to interfere, but maybe it will give some extra “backup”? However, I know it will be the best if my H could do this, but since my H doesn’t have e-mail access the only option will be for him to call OM’s office number and tell him straight. But this will still be contact (from my H’s side) and I’m not sure if this will be a good thing, this is why I was wondering if my friend will not be a good option to tell him this under the circumstances. Any suggestions/opinions please?
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Hi Suzet.
From what you wrote in your previous post, it doesn't appear that the OM even knows you are this obsessed and 'gaa gaa' over him!
If you want to tell your friend to tell him not to send a birthday e-card (which he is sending to all the staff) you are basically telling him that you have such a 'thing' for him, that you cannot handle even a e-card from him.
It doesn't seem he has the same 'love' feelings, it almost seems like he thinks of you as just a buddy-type friend. (Other than the swimsuit pictures!)
You said there were not any inappropriate gestures of love/sex talk or getting together after work, nothing like that.
I don't know, what do you think?
Could it be more one-sided, this EA?
Sincerely, Julie
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Write the OM a NC letter now. It should go something like this: OM- I love my husband and we are working on our marriage. Do not contact me for any reason. Any contact will be reported to the institution as sexual harrassment.
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Your other option is to get another job. In fact I think that is the best one. It will be too hard for your husband to know that you might see OM at work any day.
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Suzet,
If you think OM might try to call you Friday or Monday (seeing that your birthday is Sunday), and if you think you won't be able to resist picking up the phone, couldn't you schedule Friday and Monday off work?
I think getting another job is an excellent idea. I mean, this guy could just drop by your desk as easily as you drop by your friend's.
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I agree with believer, I would send him a no contact letter pronto if he sends you a B-day email. And in the meantime, I would tell your GF that you can't be in ANY contact with him and ask her to respect that in the future. Tell her that you don't even want to see his car or take the chance of accidentally bumping into him.
Have you told your H about all this?
In the meantime, I would start looking for another job. Your marriage is pretty unlikely to recover as long as you still work at the same place. You can't very well recover from this is you are constantly being reminded of the affair. Nor can your H recover knowing that you work in the same place every day.
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Blessed TIME -
From what you wrote in your previous post, it doesn't appear that the OM even knows you are this obsessed and 'gaa gaa' over him!
I don’t know what you mean by “obsessed”, but if you know how long I’ve come since my personal recovery you will defenately understand why I’m acting so ‘obsessed’… Please go back and read all my previous post if you’re really interested…then MAYBE, just MAYBE you will understand.
It doesn't seem he has the same 'love' feelings, it almost seems like he thinks of you as just a buddy-type friend. (Other than the swimsuit pictures!)
Yes, it’s possible, I’m not sure… That’s why I felt confused after I’ve read his note.
You said there were not any inappropriate gestures of love/sex talk or getting together after work, nothing like that.
No, nothing. Only inappropriate subtle flirting on e-mail.
I don't know, what do you think?
What do you mean? What do I think about what?
Could it be more one-sided, this EA?
Yes, maybe… I don’t know.
Believer –
I have already wrote OM a NC-letter last year. It was al follows: Our friendship in my eyes and in my husbands eyes were INAPPROPRIATE. Please don’t try to contact me in any way since it will hurt the man I love with my whole heart. If you see me or pass me, just ignore me or pass me. I don’t want any further friendship or contact from you at all. Thanks for understanding
If I need to send another NC letter again I will.
Turtlehead –
I can definitely resisting picking up the phone if I KNOW it’s him, but it’s not always possible to see who’s calling and if he want’ to call he can do it from any other phone.
I’ve discussed the job situation on the In Recovery Board a while ago, but I don’t have time to discuss it properly right now.
Believer –
Yes, my H knows about everything. I will tell him about the B-day issue after work.
<small>[ March 11, 2004, 08:33 AM: Message edited by: Suzet ]</small>
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Oh dear, I just read that you DID send him a NC letter and read his response. How creepy, what a mockery of God.
I would just reiterate what I said about finding another job. You will be dealing with this forever if not.
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I just want to inform OM has send me a B-day greeting on e-mail this morning. I just deleted it immediately. It appears I was unnecessarily worried about a possible phone-call yesterday. I’m feeling much better and “stable” today and I can see my reaction of yesterday was excessive and unnecessary. It will definitely be inappropriate to involve my GF. I’m sorry if I appeared so pathetic yesterday… [Edited to include information about my job situation]:Although I'm not actively searching for another jo, I keeping my eyes and ears open just for incase... Five months ago the situation of working at the same company as OM was discussed on this thread. It will explain why I don't actively searching for another job. However, me and my H waits to see what’s going to happen with his job situation (my H was victimized and unfairly dismissed by this company). We’re waiting to see if he’s going to be reinstated (re-employed) by this institution. If not, I will definitely actively searching for a job elsewhere – I will not be able to keep working for an institution that have treated my H so blatantly unfair. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Everything depends on the outcome of my H’s case... IF my H will be reinstated, both of us prefer staying at this company where we can have regular contact. However, currently I’m also a target of victimization by this institution due to me and my H’s connection, so maybe on the end I will also be ‘forced’ to leave due to circumstances. Maybe my H will find work elsewhere and we will move to another province… I don’t know. Only time will tell and we know God will provide Greetings to all, Suzet <small>[ March 12, 2004, 03:46 AM: Message edited by: Suzet ]</small>
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Hi Suzet.
Happy Birthday!
What was the verse in the card?
Did he write anything personal?
Human nature could not hardly keep you from looking. True?
Did you open and read it or have your husband or someone else read it?
It probably should have been read because if it WAS NOT appropriate, the OM needs reprimended for it; as he cannot get away with that in a work place, especially knowing how it makes you feel so uneasy and anxious when he talks to you or contacts you!
Sincerely, Sarah
<small>[ March 12, 2004, 06:49 AM: Message edited by: Sarie ]</small>
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Sarie, My birthday is on Sunday, but thanks anyway! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I didn’t actually open the e-mail so OM received a message in his Inbox that it was deleted without reading. I have a “preview” panel on my Inbox and I could see there wasn’t any other message/file attached except for the following message in the subject line: “Congrats with your birthday on Sunday, hope you’ll have a nice day!” OM probably doesn’t have any idea that contact from him makes me anxious or uneasy. If you interested you can follow this thread I’ve started after OM send me a “personal” letter last week on e-mail (which I have opened and read).
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Sarie - What was the verse in the card? Did he write anything personal? The way you asked these questions, about something so inappropriate, smacks of "office gossip" to me. Why do you ask these questions? Human nature could not hardly keep you from looking. True? Perhaps YOUR human nature. All of the advise given her was to NOT open the email. If you had written a NC letter, and then opened and read an email you shouldn't have for the SECOND time, you would have to know you are in a losing pattern. Did you open and read it or have your husband or someone else read it? Again, this seems like gossip-behavior to me. It probably should have been read because if it WAS NOT appropriate, the OM needs reprimended for it; as he cannot get away with that in a work place, especially knowing how it makes you feel so uneasy and anxious when he talks to you or contacts you! Suzet cannot control what the OM does. She can control what she does. Since she sent OM a NC letter, ANY communication is inappropriate, at work or at home or while traveling or anywhere! Period! The end! Suzet, you did awesome. All the panic was not for nothing. We do not think you over-reacted. I wish my WH were as conscious of that type of contact being damaging as you are. Murphy's Law is that if you are prepared, it will not happen! And you were prepared, so you came out with flying colors. I've also heard that "Chance favors the prepared." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I like that one. SS
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Suzet, You did GREAT!!! I didn't realize you couldn't see where a call was coming from when it rang through to your phone; I thought it was solely a willpower issue. Plus like you said, he can always just pick up another phone. Dagnabbit! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I agree that you were NOT over-reacting. Your "over-reaction" was exactly the protection your H and your M needed. You've made your position crystal clear with your NC letter and OM is blatantly disregarding your stated wishes. He's being selfish, disrespectful, and underhanded - all in the guise of "innocent friendship". Hey, why do we not have puking graemlins??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Can't you put a filter on your email so that all messages from him get deleted without you having to see them and have your stomach flip? Could save you some stress. Congrats on being well prepared and handling this situation so well. I hope you did tell your H, as you said you would. It is SO reassuring for the BS to know that no matter what happens and no matter if it's uncomfortable or embarrassing, they can trust their S to be open and honest with them. Telling your H is such a powerful, strengthening, reassuring thing to do. You go, girl! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Oh, and happy bday on Sunday <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />
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<small>[ March 12, 2004, 07:45 AM: Message edited by: Sarie ]</small>
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I agree with SS, Sarie's post made me uncomfortable. It had a tone of "tell us the juicy stuff".
Sarie had a point that if the contents were blatantly against the workplace ethics policy, then a formal reprimand could have been given. Personally I think that would just give OM more power, because it would announce to him that his actions *do* impact Suzet. Better to silently delete.
Maybe Sarie could have made that observation without all the nosiness and questions. Many of us are a little extra jumpy and sensitive.
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Spider Slayer and Turtlehead. But she DID read the e-mail; she had a way to read it without actually opening it so her curiosity was too great to resist! It would be HARD not to read it, for many (not all) of us. And yeah, I know, curiosity killed the cat! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Love, Sarah <small>[ March 12, 2004, 07:58 AM: Message edited by: Sarie ]</small>
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Sarie -
Do you have some inside information that we do not? Suzet told us she deleted it without opening it, and she reinterated that fact to you in your last post, when she shared that her birthday was on Sunday.
So, if she has told you something different, are you tattling on her?
SS
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Spiderslayer. No I'm not 'tattling' on Suzet.
You must have missed the following in her message:
"I didn’t actually open the e-mail so OM received a message in his Inbox that it was deleted without reading. I have a “preview” panel on my Inbox and I could see there wasn’t any other message/file attached except for the following message in the subject line: “Congrats with your birthday on Sunday, hope you’ll have a nice day!” OM probably doesn’t have any idea that contact from him makes me anxious or uneasy. If you interested you can follow this thread I’ve started after OM send me a “personal” letter last week on e-mail (which I have opened and read)."
Sincerely, Sarah
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Spider Slayer and Turtlehead – Thanks so much to both of you for your supporting and encouraging words – I really appreciate it very much! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Thanks for the interest and time you spend to read all my posts. And Turtlehead, I will enjoy my birthday on Sunday - thanks! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I said in an earlier post today if it wasn’t for my H’s support and God’s help I wouldn’t be able to come this far in my personal recovery – but I have left out to mention the tremendous help and support I received from this forum so far. Even the 4x4’s is appreciated because I’ve always received one just when I needed it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Turtlehead, currently our internal e-mail system at work doesn’t allow blocking or deleting of staff’s e-mail addresses internally (peer to peer system), but we’ll get a new upgraded system in this institution soon that will allow actions like that. Anyway, I’m leaving now (it’s the end of my working day). Enjoy your weekend guys! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Greetings, Suzet <small>[ March 12, 2004, 08:28 AM: Message edited by: Suzet ]</small>
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Actually Sarie, it is you who has misread, I am afraid. Suzet read the SUBJECT line in her preview box, saw there was nothing attached to the message (like a file), and deleted the message.
The email she opened that she referred to is the one she received from him a while ago, the subject of another thread altogether.
Which is why I commented that if she opened a second email from him, after sending a NC letter to him, she would be in a pattern of not ending her contact, from her end.
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