Well I did get to see Oprah tonight. It was very interesting.

But the one thing that caught my attention is the psychologist on there that said that research shows that often it is not that BS is not doing enough, it's that BS is doing TOO MUCH. The WS is not doing enough, and is not invested in the relationship.

That really hit home with me. Yes I have many, many faults. But I feel that I have always done much, much more than my WS where the marriage was involved, and even with family things. I have mainly been the one to take care of house, car, kids, family relationships, cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. He has mainly sat back and did nothing.

Before we got married, he did lots of things for us. When we got married, he completely stopped. The chase was done, the hunt over.

Hello Believer, I second that.. She hit it right on the nail! I never really looked at it this way; but it is so true.

Your doing really well, keep up the good work.

But how does this compare to the MB program? The Harley's say that EN's are not being met. My WH had a horrible childhood. He has a hole in his heart that has sucked me dry. Nothing is ever good enough. Nothing ever will be.

He has a good job (which he hates), a wonderful family, a nice home, a boat, an old truck, 4 motorcycles (including a new Harley), used to have a loving wife. But it has never been enough.
I am easily pleased and have always been content. All of our resources have always gone to him.

Believer, you are right! I really didn't realize that. I was the one doing all and still doing all. How did that happen? I guess he has too much free time, didn't know where to invest it. Now I look at OW's home, it is exactly the same.

<small>[ March 17, 2004, 09:37 AM: Message edited by: Miss M ]</small>

Good luck to you all. You are doing great!! Especially you, believer <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> God bless you in your Plan B.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

ps. this is from the be all and do all queen. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ March 16, 2004, 08:54 PM: Message edited by: Miss M ]</small>

Tom said "I ignored him".

I couldn't believe it. He wanted to golf every Sunday because he needed time with the guys so he could stay away from Sophia. There I was with 4 children ages 7 and under at the zoo on Father's Day morning, and lots of families were there and volunteers were handing out carnations to fathers. And Tom was on the golf course.

Why would he care if he hurt me? He was the one ignoring me, but that's not how he saw it.

Hi Believer,

I for one totally believe it. In our case, I was the primary giver. Not to toot my horn or anything but the H then turned WS sat back and just let me continue to be the giver, then when he made up some lame excuse about never wanting t/b married to me....well.... after a lot of mediating & MB (with a few 2x4s from a few MBers - LOL!!), I realized that if I wanted my M to work, I actually had to learn to do less.

Wow what a concept. Of course that meant not expecting a lot in return either. It is a WIP for us. I am anxious to get things done right the 1st time and well, H prefers to wait until there is an urgent need. At least on the things I feel is important. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I learned to lower my expectations, prepare to settle for less and in return, I worked less, stressed less and got a bit more. He is still working on meeting our needs and well.....we do meet his needs. Admiration. Job well done, pat on the back. Guess I never gave him that speech because I was too busy getting everything or almost everything done. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

But it is hard for me to do less. I have to be patient when the chorese don't get done in my timeframe and be willing to inconvience myself when it has to get done because he just forgot.

Give and Take. Dr. Harley talks about this and it works when balanced it used. Just don't expect regularity or perfection. Remember it is a road to recovery, no one is 'beamed' there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Did Oprah talk about her long affair with a MM? Probably not. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">HUH??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Care to elaborate on that one??

Just curious,

Jen

Thanks for sharing that JazzyGirl. Quite shocking to learn, but then again after coming to realize how prevalent infidelity really is, maybe it's not so shocking after all. Oprah's human like the rest of us and made some mistakes too.

Jen

Hey believer, everyone

I also did everything in the house and outside from washing car, gardening to cooking, washing and looking after the money. Now can you believe it WH tells me that he cooks and does the washing as he remembers how tired I used to be, feels guilty so does work when OW is tired (I would go and do a night shift and come home and start cooking, cleaning etc while WH would sit around)huh what is that all about!

Orchid wrote:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Admiration. Job well done, pat on the back </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That seems to be a huge need for my H. However, good job, pat on the back etc. never seems to be enough. He comes back days later and tells me what a wonderful job he did all over again.

I also am one that did it all! H is so inconsistent that I had to be the one to do all just to keep the routine going.(never felt like a routine at the time-more like chaos) We had 3 kids in 4 years and 16 days <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> . H worked shift work and drank like there was no tomorrow.
Then he had the audacity to have 3 A's (one at 1.5 years, 8 years and 20 years). Two we wrote off as drunken indiscretions and figured since he got sober (went to treatment) and stayed that way that the problem was fixed. Imagine how devastating it is to find out it happened while sober too!

you know my WH is the exact same way believer. He has everything he wants. 3 sports cars! A good job, a nice house, a loving family, etc, etc...But it is never enough. OK, my problem we were not Intimate in years. Due to the fact we were not meeting EACH OTHERS EN...So what does he do, he goes out to find those emotional needs elsewhere.

We have talked about this...the more unhappy we were in our marriage the more we/he spent. And I am not talking a few hundred dollars here and there...WH bought CARS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Then not only did he buy the cars he would completely modify them into a full blown race car! We are talking $30,000 plus dollars here. WE dont have that kind of money. another reason we are about $100,000 in credit card debt.

I also did much more than WH did at th house. ummm, matter of fact, I did and still do everything! I have been waiting for 3 months now for a light buld to be changed. I bought a coffee maker 6 months ago to be installed under the cabinet, never got done. I tried, but couldn't do it...I finally just bought another maker.

AFter watching the show yeteday, I realized they all say the same exact thing. it is a fantasy. They felt like they were 17 again. Yesterday my WH said that the "sex" witht his girl is sooooo good! Oh yea, thanks honey for sharing that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

interesting to read this thread. im the one who let my wife do everything. she was a stay at home mom and i was the bread winner. and ill be the first to admit that i didnt do my part around the house.
however, she is the one that found another way to have her needs met and now im the one feeling as if im doing everything around the house.
she still does a lot, but between my 12 yr.old daughter and myself, we get most of it done.
i think she is waiting to see just how long i keep up with the changes that i have made. now i find myself being the one frustrated because my en's arent being met. i know, patience.

one day at a time!!!!!!!!!

interesting to read this thread. im the one who let my wife do everything. she was a stay at home mom and i was the bread winner. and ill be the first to admit that i didnt do my part around the house.
however, she is the one that found another way to have her needs met and now im the one feeling as if im doing everything around the house.
she still does a lot, but between my 12 yr.old daughter and myself, we get most of it done.
i think she is waiting to see just how long i keep up with the changes that i have made. now i find myself being the one frustrated because my en's arent being met. i know, patience.

one day at a time!!!!!!!!!