Read it thank you. My story so far is I'm in limbo right now. WW called me Monday mad that I told her parents about the affair. Told me how I made her mother sick (fog) and that this is just between her and I (where does the OM come in then) anyways that's where I'm at now just waiting and being patient. WW is supposed to come over sometime this week I'm not sure if it is to talk or just pick up mail. I'm doing well though.

John, i hope things get better between you and your W. If you are interested, go to http://www.retrouvaille.org/index.html for info about an organization that holds weekend retreats for struggling marriages. H and I went on a weekend (as well as 6 weeks of followup sessions each sunday) in April 2002. As you can see, it took us a long time still to get to where we are today, but it was a huge start. having the A being a secret made our progress very slow, i really fought his belief that we belonged together for a very long time. However, the weekend and that organization is very very good.

FL -

All I can say is, WOW! You are awesome, brave, brave, and more brave!

I know you might not be where you want to be on your path of life right now, but at least your feet are firmly planted in TRUTH now.

No small breeze can tip you over, anymore. Now, you can weather the storm, girlfriend!

Lots of love and support and HUGS!

SS

This is just a note of support. I've followed your thread from the start, and your heart has always been in the right place.

Your instincts are good and you are getting wonderful support. In that you were brave enough to post here on these boards, is in itself, reason for you to receive support. And those that seem to appreciate and use the support that is given, always can find more.

You have my support as well. I'm still dragging info from my WW like sucking a golf ball through a garden hose. What a difference volunteering facts through honesty must be. And how I'd like to know how that must be.

Stay strong, and keep up the fight. Its a good fight, and it will pay off in gold coins for you, I'm sure!!

SD

thanks SS and SD, i appreciate the kind words.

i think i was too hopeful that there might be a little bit of closeness between us when he called me honey. i now think it was just done out of habit.

he has been very distant although his mood seems to have been ok. he seemed relaxed around the kids. i miss him so much. i don't mean to sound down. i can be patient, i just needed to get that out. i miss him.

i am glad he did not discover A on his own, but i think it is still just as devestating. but i appreciate what you are trying to say to me. either way, i still hurt him so bad.

we talked a little when he came to bed last night.

he has not decided if he can stay married to me. even thru his pain he is showing me kindness, he told me he didn't like to see me hurting, he is not trying to punish me, he just does not know. i told him his pain is so much worse than mine, i told him i understood he needed time, i told him i really believed we belong together, we both tossed and turned so much, neither was able to sleep, near the end he reached for my hand and held it and then he fell asleep shortly afterwords. he thinks he might be ready to talk more about his feelings tonight.

FL,

I wanted to add my own note of encouragement to the others you've received. You are a very strong and brave woman. You two *will* come out of this okay.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...and then he started changing so much, and his love was so overwhelming, how much he kept trying. i told him how much i admired him now. i told him it was because of all his work that i was able to get my hope back but that i could not be his wife without the truth being told. he said i did the right thing by telling him.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Keep telling him this message in different ways. He is so overwhelmed with grief and pain right now that messages take a while to sink in.

Also, for a long time when you guys were in counseling he thought both of you were being totally honest and up front with one another. Now he has learned that wasn't true. He will doubt what you say, and he will doubt his own perceptions and ability to reason. This is *very normal*. Only time and consistency in your words and actions can rebuild his trust in you and in his ability to discern truth and reality.

JL offers, as always, sterling insights and advice.

I think it is an *excellent* sign that he called you "honey" even if it was out of habit. I also think it's a good sign that he's telling you he's not sure he can stay married. That shows he's still communicating with you. It shows he's not gotten so angry he's ready to leave and never look back (but then we knew he wouldn't by his dedication and behavior in the past). It shows he's not stuffing his feelings and pretending everything is fine. His uncertainty is understandable and even desirable at this point.

He may come to a point where he says he wants to move out to think things over. He may get angry and say horrible hurtful things. If and when those times come, remember not to lovebust! Don't get defensive. Try to hear the pain, fear, and anger instead of the words. He will have a lot of all of them and he will need to express them. When he does, be glad he is processing through all the emotions. That means you and he are one step closer to a healed marriage.

You guys are going to be awesome.

Morning FL~

Hey, it's ok if you don't post to update us all the time. I was merely checking in, more because I want you to know I'm thinking about you, and I care.

I remember those first days after D-day, (well actually they're kind of a blur), but I do remember there were stretches of days I just couldn't bring myself to the computer. Mostly, it was for my H. 1. I immediately started the 15 hrs. a week with him. 2. My computer usage had been a major issue between us. 3. Although my H didn't and still does not want any x-om/A details, I'm sure he could gather I met x-om online.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> he doesn't understand why i didn't just divorce him, why didn't i just tell him right away so he would not have gone thru all this counsoling. he said he let his defenses completely down. he did not deserve this. he was not that bad of a husband. he doesn't know what to believe now.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow, I believe it was JL who predicted this would be a difficult issue, a sticking point for your H? Whoever said it, nailed it. It will be a tough one to overcome, but I believe what you wrote next, will go a long way toward him understanding where your head was. His work and fight for the M helped you to see you could no longer lie.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> i told him he did not deserve it, it was not his fault, it was mine, completely. i told him even though i did this i deep down still could not end the marriage and then he started changing so much, and his love was so overwhelming, how much he kept trying. i told him how much i admired him now. i told him it was because of all his work that i was able to get my hope back but that i could not be his wife without the truth being told. he said i did the right thing by telling him </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is very good. You made him aware you are taking complete ownership of the A.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> it is so hard to keep from crying here. which makes working pretty unproductive and there is so much piled up on me right now.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know honey. I cried day and night, pre D-day and post. My eyes were always bloodshot. It will probably get worse before it gets better, and you will wonder how there could possibly be any more tears to shed. I guarantee you, no matter what, it will get better. I have a sneaking suspicion, they will soon be tears of joy. (ad's mouth to God's ears)

You spoke of his fear of crying in front of the children. He is grieving, this is a very profound loss. I believe it's a good sign that he's crying.

I agree with you about not pushing the EN Q on him yet. There is a time and place for everything. You're right, now is the time to be gentle. He could see it as an insult, like yah right, NOW you want to do something to work on our M. Go at his pace. I printed them out well before D-Day too, but didn't give them to my H till several weeks after D-day. I showed it to him before he left on a business trip and asked if I put it in his bag, would he read it and fill it out on his trip. He did, then we reviewed both of ours together when he got back.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">he has not decided if he can stay married to me. even thru his pain he is showing me kindness, he told me he didn't like to see me hurting, he is not trying to punish me, he just does not know. i told him his pain is so much worse than mine, i told him i understood he needed time, i told him i really believed we belong together, we both tossed and turned so much, neither was able to sleep, near the end he reached for my hand and held it and then he fell asleep shortly afterwords. he thinks he might be ready to talk more about his feelings tonight.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">FL, this is all very good. Sure, he doesn't know if he can remain married to you, but he is so lost right now. He doesn't know which way is up, which way is down. His world is spinning out of control. You need to continue to be a steadying force for him, by the things you say and more importantly, do.

It's a very good sign that you are sleeping in the same bed. It's an excellent sign that when he reached for your hand and held it, he was able to fall asleep. See, that steadying, reassuring force.

You were the weak partner that went outside your M. You now have to be the strong partner, let him know that NOTHING is going to change your mind. You want HIM as your H, you want to be his wife, and your M is the most important thing in your life.

Hope you are doing well today. Again, don't ever feel like you have to keep up with the posts. Especially if it ever takes time away from your H!!! I tend to post in spurts, then am gone for awhile.

Take good care,

~ad

<small>[ March 25, 2004, 04:13 PM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

God, please give me the strength to continue to be completely honest

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Hope you are doing well today. Again, don't ever feel like you have to keep up with the posts. Especially if it ever takes time away from your H!!! I tend to post in spurts, then am gone for awhile. A lot has to do with the fact I have a little baby. I'm your age, so just imagine how tiring that is? We also have something else in common, nerak, kinda freaky.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i'm hanging in, very nervous about tonight. he only has the basic info, i'm sure he will be asking more and more questions, mostly i am trying to continuealy remind myself that 100% honesty is manditory.

40 with a baby, that would be tiring! my baby is about to turn 10.

do you mean our age is in commone? what does "nerak" mean??? in the scheme of things, it really does not matter but i was just curious.

I'm not sure what the point of this post is except for how I felt, but everyone is different. After my wife left I had found her living at OM apartment and she still wouldn't admit affair. She came over shortly after that and we talked and I tried to get her to admit to A by telling my wife you can't hurt me anymore then you already have. After leaving me for such a weak reason. Just my 2 cents.

i am feeling so panicy. i don't know if i can really be 100% completely honest as he asks more and more questions. we are going to be talking tonight.

being bombarded by messeges about how important 100% honesty is would be most helpful right now!!!

Yes, 100% honesty is critical. In this, I would let him take the lead. Let him know you are there for him, ready and willing to tell him anything he wishes to know. Then do it. However, when he is not asking, I wouldn't volunteer it. I think when and what he wants to hear should be decided by him. That's just my opinion.

<small>[ March 25, 2004, 04:10 PM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

100% HONESTY IS VERY IMPORTANT!

100% HONESTY IS VERY, VERY IMPORTANT!!!

OK, i got it, so i'm a bit slow.

ad, what if the new info puts him over the edge?? he is so unsure if he can continue with me as it stands right now!!!

100% HONESTY IS VERY, VERY, VERRRRRRRRRRY IMPORTANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FL, please be honest, no matter what. be open and answer his questions. dont make him feel like he has no business asking.
i only wish my w would extend me the same courtesy.

chin up!!! you CAN do this.

do any of you promise he will be able to handle it? and still stay married to me??

Well, first of all, do you know for certain you will be discussing the A tonight?

Do you mean push him over the edge as in he can't handle it anymore, packs his bags and walks out?

If that's the case, you have to be prepared for that. It might could happen. It doesn't mean it's forever, finished, goodbye...he might just need more space. Still, no matter what you must be honest. You've come too far to go back now, and why would you anyway?

As far as telling him everything. I would answer the questions totally honestly, yet only giving the necessary facts. I'm not saying to omit stuff, but I don't see a reason to go into the gory, play by play details...unless of course that is what he wants to know.

Again, and I can't stress this enough, let him know you are an open book to any and all questions.

Other than that, I'm probably not the best one to give the advice on this topic. Like I said before, my H is like the Anti-BH, never wanting the details, nothing, nada. He doesn't know the length of A, his name, where he lives, etc....The 3 things he knows is he is a SG, younger, and that I told him of the P.

Hope I helped somewhat.