I was just thinking about the night before my husband made me move out of our home. I went to the grocery store and spent $100 of my own money to make sure he had a full fridge and plenty to eat in the house.

I also cleaned the bathroom top to bottom and I think I may have done all of the laundry, but I am not positive.

Was I a TOTAL chump or what??????

*** still no contact with WH. This Monday will be 3 weeks. ***

No, you weren't a chump. You did a good thing and left him KNOWING that you could provide a great home for him. I'm thinking that met the Domestic Support, Financial Support, Family Commitment, and a few other buttons, too.

This is a good thing.

JJ -

Thanks for your support. But I can't get the "chump" feeling to go away. Especially the "chump" feeling that my WH, whom I still love more than anything else in this world, has torn apart my life and has ruined our sacred union.

I am so sad tonight that I just can't get my arms around the severity and perhaps finality of our situation. I keep hearing this Keith Urban song called "You'll Think Of Me" and I've been crying all night. My poor cat must think I'm nuts with all of the crying because she is trying to comfort me in her own kitty ways.

Ugh. I am so frustrated that he will not wake up and see what he has done to our lives and the right thing to do is to work on our marriage and start over.

Uhm. You ARE in Plan B, aren't you? Right? Please say yes. Please?

Yeppers. Plan B.

Thank goodness.

You're going through withdrawal. It sucks. It's also going to get you into a much, much better place.

What are you doing for you these days? What are the things that ICouldNotAskForMore can give herself? Bubble baths? Long walks? Trips to the library or the museum? Now is not a time to punish yourself for ANYTHING. Now is a time to treat yourself well, to comfort yourself, to grieve, and to live.

I am almost glad you said I was going through wihtdrawal myself, because I was thinking maybe that's what was happening to me mentally. I take 100mg of Zoloft daily, just upped in the last few weeks from 50mg at the advice of my physician because of the marital and health problems I am struggling with, and I cannot even fathom what terrible shape I would be in if I wasn't taking anything. Wow. I probably would be dead. Really.

What have I been doing for myself that I enjoy? Well, the things that I've always enjoyed included my husband. There wasn't too many things that I did alone. I never thought of that as a bad thing because up until his affair, things were pretty much "almost perfect".

Things I like:

1. Shopping (Better known as retail therapy, which I have been majorly taking part in.)

2. Decorating (I've been painting and decorating this God forsaken apartment to look like my home that I was forced out of. Goofy, I know, but my style hasn't changed just because my location has. It is a beautiful apartment with an attached garage that I love pulling into in inclement weather, and I know I should be grateful that I am living in such a nice place when there are people living on the streets but there really is no place like home and my heart breaks for the loss of my husband and home.)

3. Reading (My attention span has been down to 3 seconds and I haven't been able to truly enjoy any books lately. I love to read murder mysteries and police/detective related stories and have a bookshelf full of them but I cannot seem to get the mindset to lose myself in one.)

4. Traveling (I was just on vacation this past week and even went back to work early last Thursday because I was so damn bored. I love to travel to the islands or Florida and I didn't plan anything because I couldn't go alone at this point and when I traveled alone in the past it was a major LB to my husband, so I didn't go anywhere. I really struggled with that decision in the weeks leading up to my time off, but I knew in my heart it was wrong to go somewhere without him. Plus, he was on vacation the same time and I kept thinking to myself that I would go away and it would be then that he would decide to come to this apartment and ask me to come home. No, that didn't happen, but I was hoping that it would. He didn't go anywhere himself that I know of. I think he was going to work on the exterior of our house to prep for new gutters.)

5. Exercise (This apartment community has a gym and I actually like it because usually no one is there except me. I have an elliptical machine and a Total Gym that I use in my apartment and I also just bought a new Pilates CD that I need to try out. I've lost almost 60 pounds in the last couple of years thanks to WeightWatchers.com and I have confidence in my body back. I am 5'6" tall and never weighed more than 115-120 pounds in my life until I got engaged and married. I ballooned up to 176 at one point about 2 1/2 years ago on the day I joined WeightWatchers.com and I haven't looked back. I am now down to 118 pounds and love having my old body back. I am in a size 4, almost a size 2. Yeah!)

6. Bikinis (Wierd, I know, but I love shopping for new bikinis. I must have 50-60, I've lost count.)

7. Bubble Baths (My bathroom has this huge soaking tub but no jets. I hate that! So, it is kind of a waste to fill up this huge tub without any jets on my back and legs. Oh well!)

8. My Kitty (I love my little girl so much. I know she misses her home and her Daddy. I tell her all of the time that I am trying to get us back home. I think she understands what I am saying. She misses her squirrels in the yard and the neighborhood kitties that come to the window for a visit with her because she isn't allowed outside ever.)

9. My Church (I love to go to my church, not during mass, and just sit and think. This is where my husband and I were married 3 short years ago. I usually end up in tears but I do find some comfort there. Sometimes I spend my lunch hour there (if I am working close to home that day) just reflecting and asking God for strength for me and for my husband to overcome our problems and for him to please forgive my husband for his infidelity.)

10. My Dad (I love my Dad very much. He has gone through infidelity, his and my mom's, and has been a real source of good, solid advice to me. He knows how much I am hurting inside and he wishes he could do something to make it go away. He also knows how much I love my husband and he tells me to follow my heart but to not get taken advantage of. I know that there is at least one person in this world that loves me and that is my Dad. My younger brother died of a heroin overdose in November 2002 and it has totally shattered my Dad. If it wasn't for seeing my Dad go through the death of my brother, I am sure that I would've killed myself by now. Really.)

11. Cooking (I loved to cook for my husband. I also loved to food shop. I miss going to the grocery store to shop for dinner. It made me feel so good knowing I was doing this for him because I know how much he liked it and appreciated it. He is a much better cook than I, but I felt like a real woman when I was cooking for him.)

12. Gardening (This one is really hitting home right now. This is the time of year where I would start preparing our huge back patio for spring and summer. I have these great shrubs and topiaries in big containers that line the patio and I have flower beds that run the length of the patio. I love planting impatiens there and tending to them all season. My boy kitty is also buried in the flower bed along with his kitty headstone with our picture on it and a statue of Saint Francis of Assisi. Spring was a wonderful time in our home and I really, really miss that. I miss watching my husband mow the lawn on his riding mower, too.)

Wow, I have a lot of things that I enjoy but I haven't been treating myself to them because of my location at this time or our marital situation. I am really not the type of person to join any clubs or groups because of my work schedule, but I am looking forward to our MarriageBuilders.com get together on 05-22-2004!
It will be really nice to put some faces to the names of the wonderful people who are in the same boat as me and who have given wonderful and helpful advice.

Sorry that I rambled but I guess it helped to get some things out.

Have a nice Sunday!!!!

Excellent! I have a few suggestions for you, related to the stuff you like to do. All of 'em are designed to get you to reclaim them, which is something, uhm, SnowBelle (I think?) just mentioned to Dadto3boys. Basically, it's time to build new memories around the things you love to do.

1. Shopping: Excellent for everything except the budget. And since you live in an apartment, you'll run out of space eventually! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> How about shopping for other people? I'm thinking of a shelter for battered women, say, or your favorite church charity, or whatever.

2. Decorating: Totally wonderful! Keep going on this one, and make your apartment into the peaceful retreat you need right now.

3. Reading: 3 second attention span, huh? How about reading things like Calvin and Hobbes for a while? You can read a page, get a laugh, and not feel bad when you put it down again.

4. Traveling: How about some weekend trips around the area you live in? Travelling doesn't have to be to faraway places all the time.

5. Exercise: You go girl! There was a time when I exercised like you do. I'm never going to weigh 120 pounds -- the least I've weighed since I hit my adult height was 155. (I'm 5'9".) Right now I'm above 190 and just starting to take a hard look at how to get back to the weight I'm happiest at -- 165. I'm hoping to make it to a size 12. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

6. Bikinis: Okay, it strikes me that you're probably not going to ever wear 50 or 60 bikinis, but I bet there are a LOT of teenagers who can't afford one, who would love to have one. Back to the idea of the shelter -- what about shopping for teens who are in shelters? Take 'em out for a day of shopping and make a deal with 'em. They pick out and wear one nice outfit for school (and GO to school), and you reward 'em with one bikini.

7. Bubble Baths: Even without the jets, it sounds pretty decadent to me. My upstairs bath still has the 1940s tub that was original with the house. It gets the job done, but there's no luxury there.

8. My Kitty: More time with cats is always a good thing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

9. My Church: Can you get more involved there? I'll bet they have all kinds of things you can volunteer for and participate in.

10. My Dad: Yes. Spend more time with your dad. And don't put him through the pain of losing another child, please. Besides, killing yourself doesn't solve your problems.

11. Cooking: Ah, this one's easy! Have friends over once a week to your lovely apartment, and cook for them. I love to cook, too, and I've cooked for all kinds of people since Plan B began.

12. Gardening: I suspect that there are garden plots available in your town. Why not rent one and grow things? Flowers for your table, tomatoes and herbs for your cooking pots, maybe even a couple of strawberry plants. As for watching the H on the riding lawn mower? Well, even though I'm having images of the Coke commercial where all the professional women ran to the windows to watch the construction worker drink his diet Coke, I think it would be better if you didn't replace -that- quite yet. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

JJ -

Thanks. You made me realize there are so many other things to do that revolve around what I already like. The lawn mower rider can never be replaced though. :-)

I really appreciate you taking the time to help me out.

Have a nice night.

Just keep reclaiming and re-growing your memories. You'll do just fine. And let us know when supper's ready, eh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

And you mentioned the traveling thing. Although I would probably KILL you if you wore your size 4 bikin around me, you are welcome to stop by my neck of the woods in sunny Tampa Bay Florida (price of admission would include your promise to divulge all your diet secrets). There are a host of activities here, the best beaches in the world, and plenty to keep a distracted mind at ease! :-)

LOL, CV!

Tampa was one of the places I was looking into visiting. I have an aunt that has a winter home near there and I thought I could see the area that she loves since we are so much alike.

I might wear a size 4, but I am still working on the flab!

Thanks for the kind words!!