believer -

I hope you got through your anniversary day OK. I'm sure your sense of humour helped. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

As for Leaky Larry (LOL) turning down a retirement incentive, do you think it may be because ANY change is scary to him now? Another poster, I think it was ark^^, said that WSs' get comfortable with the situation they're in, even though it is painful. Perhaps they are afraid to change because they have made so many bad choices, they don't trust themselves. They remain in the same place because they are afraid of making yet another bad choice. My WH is in a similar situation. He hates his job but has not gotten another one since he started his A. I think his job is one of the few constants in his life right now.

Have you filed for DV or separation yet? I haven't, though I'm not sure why. I keep thinking that the fog will clear.

Lablady

Believer I have some questions to ask you. Could you email me at sam.hull3@ntlworld.co.uk. I would appreciate it.

sorry i am going mad it is sam.hull3@ntlworld.com

My feelings change every day. Thanks to Plan B, I am now free of the awful pain. My days are all good now. I feel like I am in recovery, but in recovery by myself.

My WH is making another bad choice by not retiring with the incentive. He hates his job. He has been there 27 years and dreads going to work everyday. But there is nothing I can do about it, and I am finally realizing that.

Before the A, he was always a good man. He raised his kids by himself until we got married. He also has taken an active dad role in the lives of his kid's half sisters, who have no dad. I always admired and respected him. So it makes me sad to see what has happened to his life.

You know believer,I have been thinking a lot about our WH's and I have been giving a lot of thought to the fact that my WH really needs to do some growing up.We have been together exclusively since we were 17/18 years old.Neither of us had any major experience with other relationships and to me it made no difference. I knew what we had was good but HE was slowly slipping into the what if state of mind and the me,me,me age.I say,go on and "find yourself" leave me out of it for now and if we are meant to be together,then he can court me all over again and we can get remarried.

Because what I really have now is a dead marriage.CPR and a defibrillator cannot revive it at this point.There is too much pain and there is STILL so much more that WH needs to learn and he can't do that for me,for us now.He wants a D and so I am going to give it to him and let him figure out that the grass isn't always greener ....that it is going to be very rough out there on his own,that he had it as good as it can get here at home and he needs to grow and realize that and how to respect that again.It may not be with me but at least the source of my pain is gone.WH will have to come to me a changed person,not what I see now.Same could be said for your WH.

I am tired of holding onto what could be when I am the only one willing to do the work and make the changes.And I know that life can be better because I feel it when WH is not around me.

Anyway,anniversaries are tough ones to handle but it sounds like you made it through.I just recently got the same spiel about me being an amazing wife and mother and blah blah blah.Well,I said it doesn't do me a bit of good now."My marriage has failed and you let it fail".He never gave us a chance.He is still addicted or severly misguided,I don't know which,but I do know that I gave it my all and this is all about HIM,not me.Yes,I had my share in how my marriage was before the A but to all appearances,it was a good one.He was good too.

So,what's next on the agenda?

O

Octobergirl -
Next on my agenda is my personal recovery. He has made his choice, now I am making mine. Thanks to Plan B, I have a good start.

I'm even to the point where I hope WH has a good life, but I doubt he will.

I have to agree with all of the personal recovery stuff -- it's very similar to what I've posted on various other threads.

And at the same time, here's the really hard thing. If you're truly done. Not interested in going one step further with him, what are you going to do about it?

IT's good that you have detatched enough and are secure enough in yourself to have forgotten your anniversary. Your WS sounds as if he is trying to do something to justify his actions with the other woman. He sounds like he is trying to make you feel bad by remembering your anniversary, even if he is not committed to you. Don't fall for it (not that I think you will BTW).

My WS has not got me an anniversary card for about 3-4 years (I lost track). This will be the first year I will not get her a card (unless there is a miraculous change in her before May 18th). I was always a romantic and a sucker for anniversaries and that sort of thing.

Shaken