Hi all! Thank you to everyone who's posted for me. I am having a hard day today. Things really have been going quite well and I shouldn't feel this way really. But, I guess I am feeling like things are going 'too' well. I am sincerely waiting for the bottom to drop out.

My H's A began last fall and I found out in early November. He committed to our marriage and fixing what was broken. Things seemed good for awhile and then I got a weird vibe from him. I found out last month that he had been seeing his OW again and the A was in full swing.

My stomach just turned. This is twice now that I haven't seen it coming. I trusted in and believed my H for nearly 10 years and he saw fit to be with another woman. Then after being totally crushed, I wanted my M to work and committed to making that happen. Then no more than three months later - he's at it again! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I see that things seem to be turning around, but I'm not sure I trust my sense of security. Actually, I know I don't. I have to believe that some of you feel the very same way. I just don't know what I should do. I want to relax a bit and enjoy the new found affection and connection that I am gaining with my H... but then in the back of my mind there's a voice saying 'what if he's with the OW again' and 'what if this is just a sham to throw me off track...again'?

What am I supposed to do? I feel so lost, scared and confused!!! Help!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Hey , so you are right your feeling that BS have this feeling is very right on .

I posted the same thing about 2 months ago , that it is a set up a shame to through me off track . THAT now he is a smarter cheater.

OK here it is , this only happened to you what 2 weeks ago , give yourself a break 3/18/04 was d-day #2 there is no way you will trust now . FEEL safe this soon , not unless you got a heart of steel .


Advice , take it slow this rollercaoster is here for awhile , OK I am not making ya feel good , SORRY .

I don't want you to expect to much so fast , stop being hard on YOU that you are insecure , thats the way it works .

Take care of your self and know what it is that you are going to do if contact continues , you need to have bounderies and a plan that you can live with .

I feel sorry for you. But i really don't know what to do. wiat for the experts here.

It will take awhile to feel secure again. Mine is like yours, keeps going back to OW. I have been in Plan B (mostly) for 6 months now. It is a lot better for me in Plan B.

Luv,
It is truly sad that you H is acting do terrible and that he is crushing you by being selfish. You said things seem better now. He is probably going to waffle back and forth for a while. You just have to somhow let him know what this is doing to you. I know you're scared of losing him and probably blame yourself. You will get stronger and also see that this is not your fault.

Right now you want to save the M. You may get too defeated and give up. So you need to decide now how long you will give him to break contact. Most men break contact easily, but just as easily go back. I know the fog lasts at least 6 months when there is continued contact. I think you need to hang in there at least that long. I know it will be painful, but your commitment is the key. Also, keep in mind that recovery is a long haul. I know it stinks, but that's the way it is.

I hope you can hang in there, its really up to you to save your M. Its your choice. I know if you don't give it your best shot, you'll nver know if it could have been saved.

Christ's Love,
Roman121

Still in Luv,
You sound a lot like I felt about two weeks ago. I did a very effective Plan A, being as supportive and understanding as I could be. But my WS was so wrapped up in the A that she simply used my kindness to continue the affair. I found the MB website only about three weeks ago and it really opened my eyes to some things I was doing wrong. I learned about "Cake-eaters" (my WS to a "T"), Fog, and other important concepts that really opened my eyes to what was still going on. I had a long talk with my WS shortly after finding MB and she admitted that the PA had continued after I found out in December and that the EA was ongoing. We separated (Plan B) for a week and she seemed to come around. But I made the mistake of not establishing no contact with her and we got back together after just a week. She assured me everything had ended, she was opening up more in counseling and we made plans on moving forward together, and I believed her. Just three days after taking her back I found an email she had sent to the OM telling him she would "give up everything in her life just to be with him." I had finally reached the end of my capacity to be understanding. And now I think my LB has finally gone dry. Separated again she now sends me emails saying its over and that she really wants me back (again). But I think I waited too long in Plan A. I don't think I want her back.

My point - As mentioned above, be sure to set your limits and conditions now for Plan A. Then don't waffle. If he continues to violate his promises and your trust then you have to have the courage to implement Plan B before it is too late (and you no longer love him) for the long term sake of your marriage (and your sanity).

My only other advice is to trust your gut (there is a great thread here somewhere on this topic that helped me tremendously). If your gut is telling you he is lying then he probably is. If you are like me then your self-esteem is probably at rock bottom. You probably don't even trust yourself at this point. If you don't trust your rational judgement, DO trust your gut.

Good luck.

3isacrowd, lostnhurt, believer, Roman121 & Solo nel amore,

Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I am not so much getting a vibe from my H as I don't trust my own judgement. I trusted my judgement after the 1st D-day and look where that got me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I have been thinking a lot about our situation and I know I am guilty of some serious LBing after the first D-day. I had yet to find this website and I was so angry and scared and completely devastated by what he had done. I would constantly ask about the A and had a tendancy to be snippy with him a lot. I also deposited in his LB too, but at the same time I was withdrawing so we weren't getting anywhere.

I know I am just as guilty as he is on LBing before the A even started. Marriage is work and hard work at that and we both were laying down on the job somewhat. This time around, I have tried to avoid the A discussion and focus on us and our EN's and how we can each meet them for each other. I told him I want to be his best friend & confidant again.

We have been intimate and that's been wonderful too. I have lost over half the weight I've gained since we've been together and I feel fabulous <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> !!! It gives me a better body image and a lot more self confidence which in turn helps in the bedroom too.

I have been very careful about choosing my words when we do discuss the A. I try not to bad talk the OW, as much as I'd like to, I know it only makes me look bad to him. I am in an active Plan A - I haven't set a time limit yet. I'm not sure if 6 months is sufficient and then on to Plan B? I am just trying as hard as I can not to LB and let the OW self-destruct the A. I don't think they've talked in nearly a week, but when they did she got angry at him that he was choosing his wife and family!?! I am sure that if she was in my position she'd want the exact same thing.

He says it's easier on her to hate him. Frankly Scarlett, I don't give a d*mn! I just want her to go away. I'm tempted to call her if I find out she's been in contact with him and ask her, very kindly I might add, to leave us be. Is that a huge LB? I don't want to make my H angry, but I want her to understand how important this is to ME!

She tells him that he's been working on fixing our M since November, and it hasn't worked yet so it's never going to work. The problem with that statement is that there is no way we were getting anywhere because she was still in the picture. No matter how hard I tried to replace my Love Bank with him, it wouldn't matter because there wasn't room for me with her around.

I am not the kind of person who has outbursts, or demands things be done my way, etc. These are the LB's I've read about. What are some other common LB's that a BS has done that I can work to avoid? I want to know I've done everything on my end to make this right? Help??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Bump... Help!?!

Bump...

I am still looking for help on the LB part of my question - see third post up.

Any help is MUCH appreciated! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />