I've been lurking for a while, and posting on random threads, and it is time I got some of this wonderful MB forum support and advice for my own situation.

My H has a history of consoling co-workers in troubled marriages. He used to tell me about his discussions, and I felt good that he was such a sympathetic listener to these women. In some of the more recent "consolings", I knew that he was talking with people, and I knew who they were. But he started telling me less about the discussions, citing privacy of the consolee.

In mid-December, I discovered that my H was having an affair with a co-worker. The OW is someone I have known for years (large Division, she is in an adjunct department) and thought of as a casual friend, someone I could chat with when we crossed paths. My H and she were on a committee together and at some point she told him that her marriage was troubled. She had left her H twice before and returned. This time he did not tell me about these discussions. At one point he did ask me if I knew her, and I told him yes, and what I knew about her, but I did not know that they were becoming "connected".

At some point, H ordered some ebooks on "how to take a relationship to the next level"; essentially how to manipulate a woman into a physical relationship - the words to say, the actions to take, "touch the hair and make a comment about it, look at her lips and back to her eyes, if she lets you keep touching her hair she is ready to be kissed". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

At the end of November, their affair turned physical. I learned that one weekend while he was visiting his sister he left earlier than I thought and they met at a motel. I was home baking cookies for a piano recital, completely oblivious that there were problems in my marriage.

Another co-worker offered up her house for them to use as a trysting spot. My H had recently gotten a new sporty car and enjoyed driving it, and would tell me that he wanted to go out driving in the evening after the boys were in bed. I guess they were together some of those times.

When I discovered the email that he had printed out where she suggested they meet at this co-worker's house, with his hand-written notes with directions there, I was devastated. I asked him that evening if he would stop seeing OW, and he told me that he did not want to do that. He gave me the "I haven't been in love with you for years" line, and told me that I was a friend, and a good mother to his children.

Since I knew OW, the next day at work when I saw her, she said "how are you" and I told her that I was sad and scared, and we went into a huddle room. At that point she told me that she would not see him again. I know now that she was lying. Over the holidays I learned that they were still in contact, and I asked her to not be in contact with him. She told me that she was not initiating contact. Again, I know now that she was lying. (At this point I am no longer talking to OW.)

In mid-January, my H told me that he wanted to see how his relationship with OW would develop. I asked again if he would work with me to rebuild our marriage, and he said that he had given me plenty of chances over the years. But I didn't have a clue that he was unhappy, that he had needs that weren't being addressed! I thought that we had a comfortable, pleasant life, and that with children you lose some of the romance and spontaneity in a relationship and that was normal. But his relationship with OW was exciting and passionate and FUN for him and he wanted to have that too. He was also enabling her to leave her marriage again, presumably for the last time. He was rescuing her.

By this time I had found MB, and I was plan A'ing for all I was worth. But she was eager for him to have his own place where they could be together, and he methodically planned his departure. He found a nice place, calculated how much of his paycheck he would deposit into the joint account, opened his own account, rented and bought furniture, appliances and TV/entertainment electronics. (He spent almost $10,000 setting up his place.) We worked out a schedule for the children to visit him. I wasn't eating, I wasn't sleeping well, I was trying to cook and clean and meet all the needs he would let me meet (SF was one of the needs he would not let me try to meet). He moved out just after Valentine's Day. He told the boys that he needed to be away for a while to "think about things".

In mid-March, we had our 20th wedding anniversary. He let me take him to a restaurant for lunch, and we exchanged gifts and had pleasant conversation. Shortly after that, he took OW to California on a business trip he was taking. I used to go with him on business trips sometimes, before we had children.....it sure is convenient for the both of them that they have spouses to watch their children while they are off playing! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

So now I am waiting, and not LB'ing, and asking my friends for prayers.

Exposure report: his family (sister/BIL/niece) know and would like to see him work on the marriage. This has caused a rift between him and them, but my relationship with them has grown much stronger, they are a support for me. A few friends at work know, mine and his, and of course her best friend at work (the one that let them use her house). His boss knows that we have separated. My H told me that OW's H had violent tendencies when I said that I thought he should be told about the affair. I did not want anyone to get hurt, so I did not contact him - but SOMEONE did! Apparently he got a letter in January, I don't know exactly when, that informed him of the affair. My H said "he knows my name" and I asked if his name was in the letter and he said just the first name, but since he had made a gift to her of a CD of some music he had written with his full name on it, and OW and her H listened to it together, that OWH figured out it must be that guy.

Tonight when H dropped off the boys, I asked if he could stay for a while so we could talk a little. At one point I told him that, as he had requested, I was trying not to show my sadness in front of the boys. He told me that he was trying to do that too. I expressed surprise that he had sadness and he admitted that he sometimes did, but he did not elaborate.

So - we have "family" activities fairly often, probably every other week. Last Sunday we took a train ride to a farm where the Easter Bunny was waiting for the children, and they could pick up plastic eggs on the ground. This coming weekend, Easter is also his birthday; it is his weekend with the boys, and he will be bringing them back early and staying for dinner and a small celebration.

I want to stay in plan A until I start to run out of units in my love bank. I THINK that will be a long time, but I've seen stories here on the board where the BS needs to go into plan B sooner than they expected, so I am ready for that. I've been reading old threads about doing plan B with children. My H set us up with a web based calendar system so I can enter the boys' activities and he can view the changes in the schedule, so that should help if/when I go to plan B.

I acknowledge my part in creating the situation that led him to believe that it would be okay to fill his needs outside of our marriage, but the decision to do that was his. One of the things that I need to work on is noticing people's emotional state, if I had been more adept at this I would have realized that he felt unhappy in our marriage. (When I asked him why he hadn't told me before that he was not happy, he told me that "he didn't want to hurt my feelings" and I thought, "so finding out this way is better???")

Please help, criticize, advise, pray for my marriage.

I think you are mostly doing the right things, but there are some great opportunities that you are missing that might help hasten the death of the affair. Namely, exposing it to key people.

Her H should be notified TOMORROW and you should work together to end this affair. Call him up and tell him everything. Offer to keep him informed. Get him here to this forum, if you can, so we can help him in his strategy.

He can be a great help in ending the affair by applying pressure from that end. Don't worry about the threat of "violence," that is typical balderdash used by the WS to keep you silent.

Secondly, I would call their boss and tell him why you are separated. Tell him about the affair.

Expose, expose, expose, expose. The more exposure, the faster the affair will die out. Affairs cannot survive the light of day and often lose their fantasy edge when exposed to the light of day. All of a sudden they start looking embarrassing and troublesome! So, those are a couple of great opportunities that you have at your disposal to help end the affair.

I would do those things, and everything you can think of to hasten the end of this affair. If the affair does not end in the next few weeks, which its likely not to, you really need to consider going to Plan B.

You have been in Plan A a long time now and staying in Plan A too long is counterproductive, it is a huge mistake that will not work in your favor. You essentially become an enabler for the affair when you stay in Plan A too long.

MelodyLane, thank you for your response.

Her H has been notified but I have not talked with him. The only phone number I can find at their house (land line) is in her name, does that mean that it is her phone only and he wouldn't answer it? I would hate to try to call him and have her answer the phone, she would recognize my voice. I guess I could call when I know they are out together, they are going to a concert next Tuesday evening.

I guess if I talked with OWH I would want to know the status of their marriage and get him to this forum as you suggested. I know that my calling OWH would be a big LB to my H. I told WH that I would not contact OWH, but I did say that if OWH called me, I would talk with him. Anybody here want to call him and give him my phone numbers? That way he could call me, we could talk and I would not have broken my promise.

As far as my WH boss goes - I am considering it. But it actually gives me hope that WH may return that he does not want this to be spread too much at work, that way if he chooses to return to his marriage this will not be the topic of the decade here at work. Also, this company has a history of turning a blind eye to this sort of thing and I don't think there would be any official censure at all. The worst thing for the company is that the productivity of all three of us is probably way, way down. Thankfully, we do not all have the same boss until you get 3-4 links up the management ladder.

want, you can call her # from a pay phone and if she answers then hang up. Otherwise, just wait until you know they are out together.

And yes, the WS does not like to be busted and won't be happy, but you still have to do everything to break up the affair. The purpose of Plan A is to break up the affair, not to help the WS get away with murder and please them at all costs.

Why would you promise to help him keep his affair secret and help him destroy 2 families? That is not an appropriate promise to make, want, and I would break it. There is no virtue in keeping a promise that that helps destroy people, there is virtue in taking steps to stop the destruction.

Having someone else call him won't change the fact that you broke the promise, you still initiated contact.

want, who has notified her husband and do you have proof that he knows?

MelodyLane, thank you for your comments and help.

You are right, I should feel free to break that promise. I have had so many promises to me broken! And it is the right thing to do, contacting OWH. I am by nature shy, and this sort of thing is hard for me to do; but I have had to do many, many hard things these past few months. I know this is making me stronger.

If he can apply MB principles in his marriage, their two young sons may be able to grow up in an intact family. Maybe he can tell me why she left before and why she went back.

I have no idea who contacted OWH! My WH thought that I had, but I didn't. I don't even know what was in the letter except for small snippets, such as that my WH first name was mentioned. And I had not considered before you posted your question that I didn't have "proof" that OWH knows. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> So that is something else to confirm.

Hi, Want:

First, hugs to you! What you are living through is very difficult, but you are doing it with grace and dignity. Probably more than I ever could!

My husband had an EA (maybe PA) with a coworker, too. I agree that you should EXPOSE, EXPOSE, EXPOSE. When you to this, it take the thrill of the secretiveness out of the affair for the participants. This can help make things fizzle a little quicker.

I hope this does not discourage you, but it took my husband almost three years to come around, but the important thing is that he did! We talked about it the other night and he told me how much he loves me and he is glad that he "saw the light".

Best wishes to you as you ride this roller coaster.

Renee

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by wanthimtolovemeagain:
<strong>

I have no idea who contacted OWH! My WH thought that I had, but I didn't. I don't even know what was in the letter except for small snippets, such as that my WH first name was mentioned. And I had not considered before you posted your question that I didn't have "proof" that OWH knows. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> So that is something else to confirm. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">want, often the WS will make up stories like this about the OP's spouse in order to throw you off track so you won't notify them.

But, we can help you with support when you call him. I would do it as soon as possible. The sooner he knows, the sooner this affair will end. And if that doesn't do the trick then we can discuss further exposure.

I agree. On thing I regret is not exposing the A to more people, especially in the workplace, while I was in Plan A with my WH. Now I am in Plan B, and to expose more now would probably be quit counterproductive.

All right. I will contact OWH the next time I know for sure that she will be out of the house, next Tuesday evening.

My WH is on a newly formed project team, I am going to talk with the project leader and let him know that OW should not be on the team. My attorney says that she has handled many, many D for people in this large company, and that there have never been work-related repercussions or any censure from a workplace affair. One of my H reasons for me not telling everyone was that if he decides to return to the M, no one needs to know - and I know that more exposure would be a real LB, not sure I can afford much of that.

Well, I have got to go tidy the house, feed our sons, and plan the menu for Easter/birthday dinner. And the last couple of days I have been baking gingerbread pieces to make an Easter gingerbread house, today we will put it together and decorate it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by wanthimtolovemeagain:
[QB] One of my H reasons for me not telling everyone was that if he decides to return to the M, no one needs to know - and I know that more exposure would be a real LB, not sure I can afford much of that.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But he is less likely TO return if everybody DOES NOT know. And yes it is a lovebuster, but it is a necessary lovebuster and that is why it all really needs to be done at the same time. Thats why I think its best to do all your exposing to everyone in ONE DAY. Much easier to recover from 1 love buster than 10 spaced out over time.

What you can't afford, want, is NOT exposing it. That will only enable the affair to last longer. They ALL make threats about exposure, because they don't want to be busted. But guess what? That has NEVER stopped a single WS from coming home. And that is because it is all talk.

When they want to come home, nothing stops them. And they will not want to come home until the affair ends. Exposing the affair hastens it's end, so exposure is ALWAYS a good thing.

Maybe exposing him at work will not earn a censure, but it will alert his supervisor to the situation and he can keep them separated as best he can. It will put pressure on them at work to end it.

wanthim,
Please take everyone's advice and expose. I would suggest making a list of those that need to know and let them know in one day. Your WH will be mad. He will get over it.

Let me provide an example from my personal story. My WW is on her 3rd EA/PA. All three were with co-workers. Her first went from 1/02 - 1/03. This past week, she sent the "all the things Ethan did wrong in our M" email. It included this statement:

"I do want you to know that I also don't appreciate you telling everyone my personal business in detail. When I think back to when you found out about me and OM#1, I didn't want things to end there (she is meaning our relationship) because I didn't want everyone to know what I had done... "

She agreed to reconcile after D-Day #1, and I agreed to tell NO ONE else. I enabled her behavior, and she did it again (and again). The only repercussions she felt were from me. She was/is less concerned with what she had done, and more concerned with people finding out. Now I am suffering through my 3rd EA/PA in 2.5 years of M. Do you think I regret not exposing it to someone???

Expose. Sooner rather than later.

My .02.

Good Luck,
Ethan