I need some help dealing with this "withdrawl" from EA with OM. Especially advice from WW, or any WS who have dealt with this before... experince in online relationship would be probably most helpful. But any advice/counsel will be appreciated. Medicwife25 Story Follow this link to read what has been happening so far. Thanks!

medicswife,

i'm very proud of you. posting here and READING all the sad stories (my life is a major mess at the moment) is the best thing in my opinion. also just keep telling yourself when thoughts arise. HE IS NOT MY CONCERN ANYMORE.

good luck.

Karen

Hi Medicwife,

I consider myself "mostly" a BS and also a WS. My H and I didn't deal properly with his EA and I, feeling like I couldn't talk to him, became emotionally attached to an OM. So I've been on both sides of the fence. Like you, my EA was broken off before it became really REALLY horrible. It's still pretty horrible though <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

The withdrawal is excruciating for the first few weeks. Just acknowledge that, and expect it. Expect to cry, to grieve, to rant, to feel physical pain. That's just the way it is. I found it helped to set small goals. My first goal was NC for six weeks. Then 3 months. Then 6 months. I'm at 5 months now and it's easy to consider NC for the rest of my life.

It also helps to find an activity you're passionate about. Something that will consume your thoughts and energies.

Be sure to take care of your health. Exercise, eat healthily, and get plenty of sleep.

Whenever you find yourself thinking of OM, replace your thoughts with some action of love toward your H. Write a few more lines in a letter you're composing to him. Go look for an item or two to add to a CARE package you're preparing for him. Attack a project around the house that you know your H would appreciate you having done.

Take extraordinary precautions to avoid contact with OM. Put rules on your email or change your email account so he can't contact you. Delete your chat ID and account from the computer (you don't need to be going into chat rooms at all right now). Does he know your phone number? Consider changing it. Yes, really.

Keep reading and posting. I KNOW you feel like OM filled all the gaps your H could/would not. I think you'll be surprised in a few months to find out how normal OM actually is (at best) and also what an amazing spouse your H can be if he's given the truthful information necessary for him to be the H you need and want.

Keep reading and posting. You are doing the RIGHT THING. Never doubt that.

MW25-
I don't have any magic words for you... but what has helped me so far, has been to remind myself over and over that I have a husband. I am his wife, and I am NOT the OM's wife. He has a wife of his own, and he is her husband. He IS NOT MINE. It seems simple, but somehow it just helps me, personally, to remind myself of that. I may not have a perfect marriage (although it gets better every day now! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ), but it is MY marriage, and I need to do my very best with this marriage as long as I am in it. (I am happy to report that I now hope to be in this marriage for the rest of my life!)
I also agree with turtlehead - the other thing that has helped me tremendously is to replace my old thoughts and actions with new ones. There used to be certain times of day that I would call OM or email him, chat, etc. I started calling or emailing my H when those times rolled around so that I wouldn't miss OM quite as much. Now my H is the first person that I think of during "those" times of the day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> So I would recommend praying and substituting letters to your H (or something like that - even calling a female friend, maybe) whenever you have an urge to contact OM.
CW

Medicwife....
You can do this!!
Have you read any of my story? I posted a link on your last thread. I simply ask because I don't want to repeat myself if you have read it. If you haven't please do, you will see big similarities and sometimes reading other people's experiences just makes you feel so much less alone.
Withdrawal sucks! You can get physical symptoms from it and it may make you want to throw in the proverbial towel. BUT THEY GO AWAY!!!! Then you are left feeling stronger and so proud of yourself! Baby steps are the key right now. One of the most important is continuing NC and staying strong. Do take care of yourself, sleeping and eating well.
Keep coming here. If you feel the need to reach out to OM, come here instead. Or see if there is a friend or family member who will take your calls, whatever time you need to just listen and help you over the urge. When I went through it, sometimes I needed more than my H to speak to. I called my brother and a friend of mine. I said that there may be times when I just need to call and "lean on you" for a few minutes. They were more than happy to help. I didn't even have to go into details..."hey I'm having withdrawals, I need a minute...".
You have made GREAT progress! I hope you are proud of yourself, good job!

Hey Medicswife,

How are you doing??? My thoughts and prayers are still with you. please keep posting!!!!

Karen

all the advice you have gotten so far is great. You need to change your routine and fill the gaps OP filled with something else. Don't xpect it to go away any time soon. You are human and is is normal to miss things that made you feel happy. It is normal to feel frustrated and angry and sad. You will have good days and bad. You will lose sleep. Your situation is not unique. I thought mine was until I came here. Hnag around. Read all this stuff. Everyone here is great. Even the ones who beat the heck out of me. Check out my post WANT TO KNOW ABOUT FOG AND WITHDRAWEL --- HERE YA GO! I can relate to what you are going through. But you need to choose your priorities. You need to concentrate on the important things in your life. I am here for you. We all are.

WK...I received a few 2 x 4's when I came on here last year too!! I actually let them bother me to the point of crying while I would be typing!!! I was basically told that I was nothing better than a whore that let myself be used by a M who was only looking for a receptacle to plug into. I cannot tell you how bad that hurt, especially while going through withdrawal and still be very much fog-induced. As much as I resented this person judging me, I have to say that his words were the truth. Perhaps spoken a little harshley but true nonetheless.

MedicsWife25,
I am Killmeplease's wife and I am begging you with my all soul to please try with everything you have to stay away from this other man. You have such an awesome opportunity to make things right. Believe me, if you screw up like I did you will regret it for the rest of your life!!!
I can not help but envy you for having this awesome opportunity to make things right before you have a PA. I wish that I had not made such a selfish cruel choice that has cost us everything we once held so sacred.
We will make it...though it won't be without alot of heartache and sorrow. We took the opportunity to go to a MB seminar in Orlando and are going through the course study. I strongly urge you to get Dr. Harley's books and read read read read! Send a copy of His Needs Her Needs to your husband and tell him to do the same. You have an opportunity of a lifetime...DO NOT PASS THIS UP!
scarlettr

scarlett...good advice. As hard as an EA is when it becomes a PA it is absolutely devasting to both the WS and the BS. I too wish that I could go back to the point that medicswife is and make the right decision now before it does turn into a PA. I will never be truly able to forgive myself for giving myself to another M while my H trusted me with his heart and soul. The many lies that I told, the sneaking around and the giving of myself, heart and soul, to someone other than H who absolutely used me and never felt anything from his H for me.

KMP's thread about what the A did to him was so hard to read without crying. I know that my H feels all of those same things but has never voiced it to me because he doesn't want to hurt me further than I have hurt myself. That is amazing love.

Ok. I haven't posted for a few days because I allowed myslef to backpedal my decision. I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW! I AM AN IDIOT! I just didn't know how hard NC would be... and I gave in and we made contact. Not a good idea! Now things, if they could be, are WORSE! And it's my fault! I gave in and made contact...I convinced myself it was an innocent inquiry about some thing he had said in an email... and then all H### broke loose. We actually talked about meeting, again! About having a PA! How could I be so STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!
That happened yesterday. He said that he can't stop thinking about me, that he thinks it will take months to get over me... all the things you want an ex-boyfriend to say...except I'm MARRIED, He's MARRIED. THIS IS WRONG!

UGH. I am so disgusted with myself. As I am sure most of you are too, with reason! I didn't talk to the marraige ministers at my church on Sunday, I've decided against that and now have a call in to a local Christian Family and Marraige Therapist for an appointment. I cannot go through this withdrawl on top of the already stressed out and overwhelming circumstances I face every day. Things I cannot change ( H in Iraq, 2 kids under 15months, etc...). I feel like I am drowning... and I want to reach out and grab onto anything that looks like safety... and in my FOG mind, the OM looks like a calm harbor from the strom that is my life!

Which I know Is a LIE, from the pit of HELL!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
I am so frustrated with myself and my lack of integrity and character and strength in this situation. I just want my H to be here, so i can confess face to face and repent to him so we can begin again and make a new start. So that he would know my struggle, my sin... no more secrets...

I am sorry to disappoint so many of you after all of your encouragement and love and prayers. I have let you down. Myself down. My H down.
I don't want to be like this anymore!!!!!

medicswife,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am sorry to disappoint so many of you after all of your encouragement and love and prayers. I have let you down. Myself down. My H down.
I don't want to be like this anymore!!!!!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">but i am proud of you for continueing to post here and continueing to fight this addiction!!! you should be proud of that too.

that said, you still have ahead of you some very hard work, YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

OM feels you pulling away and he will say things to try to keep you in his life, don't listen to it!!! don't accept emails, get rid of the IM programs, you can do this!

most of all KEEP POSTING, we are on your side, some will be hard on you, some will give you more empathy (been there done that!!) but we are ALL on your side. don't give up on yourself, we are NOT giving up on you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

MedicWife25,

I read your husband is in Iraq. Is he in the Army? If so, I know there are Family Support Groups on post you can join with other wives supporting each other. I am sure the Marines and other services have something similar. Such activities can help you stay busy and not think of the other man.

As a retired soldier, I've seen too many situations of this type. Those other men just prey on lonely wives whose husbands are gone. Of course, I've also seen wives who are "out and about" as soon as their husbands are out of the door. However, I don't think you are one of those wives.

The other ladies on this thread can give you good ideas on a woman-to-woman who have been there basis.

Hang in there. Each day gets a little better.

In response to RAG's question:
[QUOTE] I read your husband is in Iraq. Is he in the Army? If so, I know there are Family Support Groups on post you can join with other wives supporting each other. I am sure the Marines and other services have something similar.

My H is in Army, but my children and I moved out of state (from where we are posted) right before deployment, I was pregnant at the time with a 7 m/o son and H and I both didn't want me alone in a state where I still knew no one. We had only been in "Active Duty" life for 7 months when he was deployed for a 12month+ rotation. So I am back in our hometown near family, friends and our home church so that I wouldhave the support I needed with the birth of our daughter, etc...
I can't even imagine how miserable I would be if I was still living on post home alone with 2 kids and no friends or family for thousands of miles. Scary.

A side note, I spoke with my MD today and was given a Rx for anti-D, which I started this evening. I am a little concerned about the side effect of weight gain... I have been working really hard to lose weight ( a 10 yr struggle) and have lost 3 dress sizes in 4 months... I'd hate to gain it all back again. Ugh. Not that ya'll care about how fat I am!

we care about YOU! and anything that is important to you. incidentally i am trying to lose weight here myself.

so how is the NC going???

you knew i had to ask <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I gave in and made contact...I convinced myself it was an innocent inquiry about some thing he had said in an email...
*nods* I did that. OM emailed me to ask if I hated him. How could I ignore that?! I called to tell him that I didn't hate him... and it started all over... not the PA, but emotional attachment. When I called him to finally cut of ALL CONTACT a couple of weeks later, I made sure that he knew that I didn't hate him. I was very clear that this was about me concentrating on my marriage - not about hating him.

He said that he can't stop thinking about me, that he thinks it will take months to get over me... all the things you want an ex-boyfriend to say...

I know... it feels good when they say things like that, doesn't it? That's the whole problem, though... if you 2 keep up that sort of conversation, then neither one of you will be able to concentrate and put your energy where it belongs - your marriages. He will have to go through the same withdrawal that you do... and yes, it will most likely take months. I know. It sucks. Wish I could say that there's some way around it... but the only way is through it. *sigh*
Don't punish yourself... I know that it's easy to do... but take care of yourself (good job getting the anti-D's ). Take the energy that you're using to hate yourself and what you've done - and use it to help yourself and your M.

CW

Withdrawl blows - going through some of that myself. Great advise from everyone though, thank you!!!

You are not stupid, you are just frustrated and lonely. We all seek companionship, but companionship can come in constructive and destructive forms. The need for sex and attention, admiration, conversation and companionship can be overpowering at times. It is hard for me to imagine being in your situation. Home alone with two small children for months on end and then you find someone that meets your need for attention, conversation and admiration in a chat room. Your marriage is dysfunctional because of the information that your husband held from you before you were married. The mind can justify almost anything, almost.

Let me be blunt here:

1) This man is only interested in having sex with you and may have several other "prospects" as well. If he truly cares about you tell him that you will both need to get a divorce before having sex. He will continue to try to pull that "I am lonely and my wife is cold" fog talk that I have read about in here too many times to count.

2) What good will come out of having a physical affair with this man? The potential negatives are: divorce, kids in single parent homes, disease, pregnancy, disgust and dismay from family members and friends, possible violence, lack of self respect, guilt, lies, shame, broken marriage vows and depression.

3) God clearly states that adultery is wrong in both the old and new testements.

4) Once you cross the line and have an affair there is no way of taking back what you have done.

5) How well do you really know this person? Remember that even Ted Bundy (Serial Killer) was decribed as being charming.

6) I hope that you make the right decision and stay away from this man. Spend your time posting here instead of hanging out in chat rooms.

God Bless!