My wife has filed for divorce for reasons of unfilled needs, unhappy, etc. She had an emotional affair with a much younger guy at work, but she doesn't recognize it as being one. Luckily he has left town now. She saw it as just a friendship, and actually feels sorry for him because of what everyone thought. There was a lot of gossip at her office about their relationship. I know that nothing physical happened for many different reasons, and trust me when I say I know that.

Any advice on handling this? I know that I can't convince her that the relationship was wrong, and wonder what good it would do to bring it up with a counselor since she would see that as me making her look bad...again.

She is a relationship addict, so I know that she will now start looking for another man to confide with.

Thanks,
Jody

Hi jdjohn,

I wouldn't waste any time trying to convince her that it was an affair, that it was wrong, etc. She's got her own view of reality that justifies and condones her behavior - very normal and nothing you can do to change it at this point. I think you already know that.

I would tell her very clearly that you do NOT want a divorce, and that you would much rather fix whatever is broken in your M.

Find out what unmet needs she's talking about, and MEET THEM.

Read up on Love Busters and AVOID THEM.

Give this several weeks. It will take a while for her to see a change in you, then a LONG while before she thinks the changes might be real, rather than just a trick to get her back into the M, at which point you can go back to the old you and she'll be stuck again.

After she starts to come around, try to get her to read "Fall in Love, Stay in Love" with you. Do all the questionnaires. You'll learn how to better meet her needs and also which LBs you engage in that really set her off. You'll also learn to communicate when something is going wrong rather than one of you trying but feeling like you're not heard, or shoving it down until it gets all out of control.

But for now, read up on ENs and LBs. And keep posting.

jd, I agree with turtle. What does she say makes her unhappy? What does she feel was unfulfilled?

I would read up on Plan A and start it today!

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=30&t=000176

We are actually too far down the road with the D. It will be final in about 5 weeks.

I have told her MANY times that I do not want the D, and that I want us to work on our M, and that I want to change. I have attempted to meet the needs that she has mentioned since we are still under one roof. In some cases those unfilled needs involve intimacy which she is unwilling to let me do right now. In other cases I started trying to fill the needs, but she lashed back and said to stop, don't bother, your wasting your time, I don't trust it, it's too late, etc. So, plan A has not worked in my opinion.

She says that MAYBE after space and time that she will be willing to try again by dating. But I also know she wants to see "what else is out there." I know that I can't meet her needs once we are separated, so I fear that I will never have a chance. So now I am considering plan B. However, I worry that this will leave bad memories of our last days together and confirm her belief that my changes aren't for real or won't last.

I have to protect myself at this point and not be a doormat, but I want her to know that I still care. Our history involves me not standing up to her for fear of her reactions, so I feel that I really need to show strength since plan A has not worked. There is, of course, more to this, but I don't want to make this post too long.

Thanks,
Jody

I'd plan A my a** off if I were you.

The D isn't done until it's done.

IF it goes through, then you can do plan B.
Take advantage of these five weeks to leave a totally positive lasting impression in your W's mind. Don't try to educate her. Just plan A her.

I'm sorry things are so grim right now <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Turtlehead,

I appreciate your response. I have tried to cling to some hope of the D not happening, but she is driving it hard. She wants to be away from me so badly that she refers to herself as a "caged animal" and a "pressure cooker". She is a very stong-willed person and has made up her mind to be independent from me. She feels that she has been held down for all these years and wants her independence.

She has already set up a new bank account in her name and had her last paycheck deposited there instead of our joint account WITHOUT TELLING ME. When I asked her about it she didn't like my tone and asked why I was being such an a**. First of all, my tone was not that bad. Second, don't I have a right to be? She is divorcing me, taking my kids away from me, and now screwing with our finances. I have a right to be angry in an adult way. This is after a discussion last week when I told her that her spending on clothes and shoes has put our family in a financial bind. I'm talking about over $1,500 in just the last two months, and she only works part-time making about $500/mo. I have ALWAYS had to watch her spending, and she thinks I have just tried to control her and that I am simply a tight-wad. I have got to start protecting myself financially and emotionally.

What I am considering is making a declaration statement in writing to her that says I love her (which I have told her countless times since this began), I am working on myself and want to work on the marriage, but that for my own emotional health I need to start detaching from her emotionally. Then I would list some things that I will no longer be doing since I don't feel comfortable about it given the situation and that I need to start preparing for my future. I am also considering a new bank account in my name where my checks will be deposited and I will continue to pay the household bills. Thoughts about this approach???

Jody

jdjohn, I have some experience in this area that may help. My W is also relationship addict, spender and complains about my controlling ways.
But I've handled things fairly delicately and although I haven't solve my problems, I'm still in the fight. I also have kids and have been M 18yrs. You may not have as much invested which might make it easier for W to walk, I don't know.

But the posters who have replied to you are excellent and I wouldn't want to contradict their advice. I agree with Turtlehead to Plan A
you a$$ off. It may be late in the game and Plan B would seemingly be of little use. I would not beg, plead or chase but simply burry your pain in front of her and just try to look as strong as possible and continue to meet the needs as best that you're aware. While meeting the needs also start to plan for a life without her. While that's not the goal she needs to see you as somebody who can make it on their own. Right now she is making it seem like you're strapped to her back. A little independence on your part might get her attention. While I appreciate strong willed person I still think you can make use of your time. Don't look at it like clock is running but rather every minute she's there you do what you can to show her you're a good choice.

Also something that hasn't been suggested is the possibility or in my opinion likelihood that your W is in an A. If not still with the younger man from the company perhaps a replacement. Remember just because this guy moved away doesn't mean she can't still be deeply in love with him. If she is calling him or IM'ing etc. she can still be pining for this fantasy which makes your job difficult but a lot easier to understand. You can only control you. Continue to do your best and be strong. If you have more specific questions maybe I can provide some more insight.

WOE

jdj:

I agree, it sounds like she's having an A right now.

Also, plan A probably IS working if she's having an A and she's getting PO'd at YOU for trying 2 save the M. One of the things Cerri tells me is that the WS's angry reaction 2 something you're doing (or not doing) is a good sign that it's working.

Keep doing plan A, right up until she leaves. Then plan B her.

Also, how come you're still living 2gether if you're getting divorced? And why is she taking the kids with her?

And, 2 can play at the "separate bank account" game. Remove her from your account, or put your paycheck in2 a new one that you only have access 2. ...then, consider charging her rent <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> (just kidding, that wouldn't be good plan A behavior, necessarily).

-ol' 2long

Thanks for all the input. Regarding the A, from my snooping it appears that there truly is nothing going on. This guy is cutting ties and trying to get on with his young life. My take is that he wanted to be her friend during a tough time, but realized that she was searching and didn't want to get too involved. Again from my snooping, it looks like she was pursuing him but he just wanted to be supportive.

Part of MY problem is this pursuing behavior - snooping, asking probing questions, etc. I need to stop because it will drive me crazy, especially since I feel another relationship for her will be starting in the near future from what I have seen, and I don't want to continue to stress myself out. It is hard to appear strong when I'm anxious on the inside about new secret relationships.

We had a talk about dating the other day, and she vows not to date until the D is final. See, she is already looking that far ahead, and I feel nothing I do now will be seen. She said that she has already been asked out a few times (no ring), but tells them no since the D is not final. I reminded her that experts say you should not enter new relationships after a D for at least a year. She scoffed and said she didn't want a relationship, just maybe some dating. Arrgh! She said "you never know...maybe I will realize that what I had wasn't so bad after all". At the end of this discussion, she said she didn't want us to talk about dating any more. She has always said that she wants to keep all her options open and just see what else is out there. She hasn't ruled out us trying again down the road and says she really doesn't know what she wants right now, but she won't promise or agree to anything.

If we could swing it financially, she would have been gone months ago. But, we have to sell our house first. We have been married 12 years and have two kids. I know this is confusing to them knowing divorce is coming but we are still together.

She has told me about her needs for affection and how she wants playfulness before sex and cuddling afterwards, but I can't work on those since she won't even let me touch her (at all) right now. Our sex has always been on her terms and she has never mentioned how important these things are to her. Some needs she has never mentioned at all like the playfulness thing. Other needs like compliments, flowers, notes, favors, etc. I am able to do in moderation, but these are the things she has thrown back at me sometimes. She also asks me to get her coffee or ice cream sometimes, or help her with a project, but I feel used sometimes.

We started some counseling, but she says it would be a waste of time to continue and now she won't go anymore.

Still plan A? It's hard to fill EN when they won't let you get close and seem so determined to leave. Regarding plan B, I still plan on being cordial, etc., but I need to stop my pursuing behavior, and plan A seems to encourage such.

Confused,
Jody

jdj:

I agree with you about snooping. You'll get 2 the point where it doesn't really matter anymore. Hopefully, it'll be because you can sense when things aren't right and talk about them, but it would also be unecessary if you're DVd and not trying 2 recover your M.

If she'll let you meet ANY needs now, by all means do so. It will be hard at first 2 do anything so long as you fear rejection, but if you can get 2 the point where you don't EXPECT anything, you can't be disappointed if she doesn't want you 2 meet her ENs. ..and many, like being kind and considerate, you can still do without her consent <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

Also, plan A is for YOU, not her. It's for making YOU a better H. Hopefully, she'll like that YOU, and want more of you. But even if she doesn't, you'll be better prepared for another R in a year or so.

best,
-ol' 2long

Jody, it sounds like we're married to the same woman. May I ask how old are you and W? Let's begin with the end in mind. Stop pursuing, stop looking wounded etc. Suck it up and be your brilliant self when in her company. Maybe she's in an affair and maybe not but she sure sounds foggy. Stop trying to educate her it won't help.
Don't forget to be an excellent father during this period. That's something that will be to your benefit no matter what happens. I'm not trying to minimize the pain your in but that has to take a back seat right now. Don't focus on the divorce talk and don't ever mention it. The goal for now has to be to extend the battle. Somehow try to get more time. Good luck.

WOE

WOE,

We are both 37. Yes, I am going to quit pursuing. I am also going to stand up to her which will probably piss her off. But what have I got to lose? What's she going to do, divorce me? I will not be ugly, but I need to get in touch with my anger, in an adult way, when necessary. I have been too nice too long. I truly think that she would find strength more attractive, but it may mean getting her angry in the process. It may be more shock than anger for her.

She has totally changed from what she used to be, and I really don't want her back the way she is right now. She is living a worldly lifestyle with worldly people, but maybe she will come back to the Lord and me someday.

I am focusing on the kids as I know I need to. They are seeing a bad influence and example in their mother, so I am trying to be there for them and a spiritual leader. She only cares about herself, but is actually a great mother to them when she is around - at least from an affection and attention standpoint. She hasn't cooked a meal in over four months, though, so you have to question her concern about the kids health. She has been obsessive about her figure and thus dieting and not cooking for the rest of us.

This weekend she is gone to Denver for a birthday party of a person she met at this therapy treatment place. All her buddies from their therapy group are there. Last weekend she was in a wedding and spent three nights in a row partying at a shower, a rehearsal dinners, and a separate wedding party. She didn't even come home two of those nights. I know where she was staying (with friends), and I don't question that at all, but the fact remains that she was out all night.

Still plan A??

Jody

^

jdjohn, I agree with you that a show of strength might be a good idea and as you said you have nothing to lose. I have also been a dormat in my opinion over the last several years as W struggles through this midlife crisis or whatever she is going through. Your situation sounds very similar except that my W is reluctant to push divorce. I feel sure it crosses her mind a lot but she realizes it would be a very traumatic decision so she is less impulsive. But the partying with younger people is her new passion. She also is very focused on the figure and her looks etc. I would be very interested to watch you situation progress and I sincerely hope it has a happy ending. You feel like asking what is it you're looking for. On the surface it seems they have everything that a woman could want. We may not be Mr. Wonderfuls but I get the idea you're a very stable and dependable person. My W could not verbalize what it is she thinks she is missing. I used to joke about her meeting a "proper man" but now she agrees with me that it doesn't exist. There is no perfect situation and hopefully they wake up before its too late. Hang in there.