Since my W and I are seperated I have heard a lot of fogese from her such as "if you have sex with another woman, I don't want to know about it, it would hurt too much" or "we are seperated, what you do is your own business"

Heres my question:
In her past relationships (before ours) she was cheated on, lied to, physically abused, emotionally abused, sexually abused. I did not and still dont, fit that mold. I was something different than she became used to.
Now since we are seperated she has told me time and time again she feels that I have all these girl friends ect. I have not touched or had any EA's with any other woman since we got together in 1996, she thinks otherwise.

How can I truthfully re-assure her otherwise?

Before we seperated I started working longer hours and I just recently found out that she thought I was having an affair, I was floored that she would think that, even a year after she told me that I am still amazed that she thought those things.

I am confident she believes me when I told her that nothing was going on but longer work hours, which is good because it is the truth.

So, while we are seperated, what pointers can I use to prove to her that I have not, will not be with any other woman until our sitch is resolved 1 way or another?

next time you see her, give her a blank piece of paper.

When she askes what it's for, say, "It's all the phone numbers I didn't get." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Seriously, I dunno. The best thing is to always tell the truth. You can't control what another person believes except by being sure that you always tell the truth. (Even that doesn't work sometimes)

Does she have any reason not to believe you?

dewt

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dewt:
<strong> next time you see her, give her a blank piece of paper.

When she askes what it's for, say, "It's all the phone numbers I didn't get." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Seriously, I dunno. The best thing is to always tell the truth. You can't control what another person believes except by being sure that you always tell the truth. (Even that doesn't work sometimes)

Does she have any reason not to believe you?

dewt </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nope

I even planned a weekend getaway for both of us, nothing more than bonding time, I thought it would do both of us some good, but on the day we should have left she said "i am just not ready for that yet".

I didn't know there was something wrong with a husband desiring to spend some time with his wife and show her that she does care for her and the family. geez

A few people at work know our story and a lot of them say "HF, you are too good to her, let her go and find someone who would appreciate a good man"

It sounds like you wife is a very confused space. There will come a time when bonding time will be welcomed. Focus now on providing her with a safe and comfortable place with you.

For example, there is nothing wrong at all with a Husband wanting to spend time with his Wife. But if she feels pressured into it then the time together will not yeild the results you want it too. Most likely the opposite.

Carefully read the material on this site. Especially the stuff about the 'lovebank' and 'emotional needs'. For you to come up with a plan to save your marriage, you need to understand her and how to deal with her. A good knowledge of her needs (in general and specifically now during this difficult time) will give you a good chance.

I get a lot of the same advice. Don't buy it. If you can work this through and grow from it and build something awesome, then you will have come out way ahead. And you will have proved that not only was she worth it, but so were you.

dewt

Hunterfox...

lets just cut to the chase...your story is very very confusing...

you two have been seperated but not divorced since 2002....
you have a young child..,.


so what's the deal...how often do you see eachother...
how much contact...
what is the plan here...divorce...who wants one?
or true reconcilliation??
who is working on that....

do you want to be married....
and what is your plan to accomplish that goal??

does she want to be married?

and why seperated for three years...

what are her needs
what are your needs...

in a mioptic view of what little information there is here..it would appear that you two are stuck in a comfortable tango of powerstuggling stuff that is just beating a dead horse and distracts from the real work of you two figuring out how to be marrried....

you said in one post....

was the one who asked for the divorce in the first place, I was overwhelmed by 4 life changing events in the span of 6 -8 months in 2000. 1, being a new parent, 2, moving to a new home. 3, major job change (it took me out of town and home on weekends for 2 months) 4, slowly dying father.

all of those things ALL of those are exactly what life and marriage is about....and those things in one form or another happen to ALL of us...and those things are the EXACT things that should have us turn towards our spouses for support and team-work...and your answer was to bail...

I will tell you that if I was your wife and you found being a new parent being a reason to justify wanting a divorce...a huge huge huge red flag....

logically it makes no sense to break up a childs home because it's hard....
being parents is HARD...get over it..
being seperated parents is HARDER for the child....

So the question is in the past three years what coping mechanisms have YOU developed to deal with life stresses that have taught you to turn towards your spouse and work with your spouse...

What it sounds like is that you two are stuck in a language tango...

she feeds off the attention she gets from playing the victim...
you get to deny the role of bad guy...and you two can mull it over for hours....

if what you have been doing hasn't been working time to change...

have you and her done the his needs her needs questionairre...great place to start

are you two in counseling..
are you in counseling...
all great place to start....

are you two young??

time to a hard hard look at your role in the patterns that keeps you two seperated for years with no movement one way or another...

decide what you want even in spite of what she wants and make a plan that is all about you and changes you can make that make you irresistable to her....

change is hard
change is scary
change is sometimes not fair....
but it has to start with you...

How can I truthfully re-assure her otherwise?


have you asked her this..
how can you..
and if she has no answers then drop it....
and next time she brings it up..
change the subject..
end the conversation..
do some behavior mod....on her...

your other option is to defend and power struggle till the cows come home...sound tiresome to me....

ARK

so what's the deal...how often do you see eachother... We see each other 3 to 4 times a week including maybe both weekend days, 99% of the time it is when she needs a ride somewhere (she doesn't drive)

how much contact... On days we don't see one another I at least call her and ask how her day is, most of the contact initiation is on my part.

what is the plan here...divorce...who wants one? The plan is not divorce, neither of us want one, she says she needs time and space to figure out what she wants.

or true reconcilliation?? that is the train I want to stay on and have been consistent with since we seperated.

who is working on that.... seems like I am the only one

do you want to be married.... absolutely, that is not even a question for me. She seems at times that she could careless one way or the other. I told her the other day "hon, as long as we have been apart, I am glad we never pursued divorce. Her answer "we're not out of the woods yet, its going to take a long time"

and what is your plan to accomplish that goal?? To be consistent at wanting to bring us back together and be a family again, I do everything I can to get her involved in every aspect of our sons life and share with her the accomplishments I am making personally.

does she want to be married? yes, but she says she still needs to see major changes from me to make her feel comfortable enough to come back, she says she needs reasons.

and why seperated for three years... We had a golden opportunity to move back in together in January when her lease ran out and she had to move, she had a real bad living arraingement with her roommate and wanted to make it on her own so she decided that she needed to be alone for the first time in her life without having to be "dependant" on anyone. She has never been completely and totally on her own her entire life. She said this is something she needs to do.

what are her needs? well, she has different needs now that we are seperated than when we were together, and they are hard to fill when there is distance between us.

what are your needs... I need someone to share things with, to do things for, someone to hold, someone to bond with, someone to show love to, someone who wants to work with me and wants to share togetherness.

are you two in counseling.. We were but she didnt feel comfortable with it, she felt pressured, i never forced her to go, I always asked.

are you in counseling... I stuck with the same counselor and I go to her at least 2 times a month.

are you two young?? I am 40 and she 30

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">was the one who asked for the divorce in the first place, I was overwhelmed by 4 life changing events in the span of 6 -8 months in 2000. 1, being a new parent, 2, moving to a new home. 3, major job change (it took me out of town and home on weekends for 2 months) 4, slowly dying father.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So you added to your problems by leaving your wife and baby? How did that help your situation? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I am amazed.

I can see now why she would be leery of you. If you cut and run when the going gets tough, I wouldn't trust you either. Is this your first marriage?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">was the one who asked for the divorce in the first place, I was overwhelmed by 4 life changing events in the span of 6 -8 months in 2000. 1, being a new parent, 2, moving to a new home. 3, major job change (it took me out of town and home on weekends for 2 months) 4, slowly dying father.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So you added to your problems by leaving your wife and baby? How did that help your situation? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I am amazed.

I can see now why she would be leery of you. If you cut and run when the going gets tough, I wouldn't trust you either. Is this your first marriage? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, this is my second marriage.

I'll be the first to admit my screw ups and I take full responsibility for them, I have paid a huge price for my actions, I have learned a lot and I have lost alot.

I know the paths I need to take to repair our marriage, I have been doing them for a long long time and I am 100% committed to our marriage and to my wife.

Hi HunterFox,

Gonna be blunt here...

She's having an affair.

She's looking to offload her guilt onto you. She's hoping you're having an affair as it will validate her affair. She's also keeping you off-balance.

My XW did it. My brother's XW did it. My friend's XH did it. And if you hang around here long enough, you'll learn that the stories are all the same.

Agree with father, she's having or had an affair. She is throwing you curve balls hoping that you will give up, b/c she is afraid to make the decision all by herself.

This sucks, I will be praying for you.

Im sure she had an affair or something like it, that is why she is acting so wierd. However, we do spend a lot of time together and interact often, she is not as distant as she used to be and I am getting more positives from her even though they are coming painfully slow, timing is everything with her and when ever we go out anywhere she wont let me leave with out making sure I give her a kiss, on the lips. When ever we talk lately we find our selves looking deeper into one anothers eyes.

I am beginning to hear things that are pretty indicative of willing to try again but very very cautiously.

If you can't account for her time, then anything she says and does with you is meaningless. She may or may not be playing you, but she's probably still foggy.

I remember at one point when the wife and I where back together far a while that she seemed fairly normal, but that's just because she got better at playing her game. (I had threatened divorce and she had found out the OM was cheating on her to get to a brief reconcilliation. She still married the OM. Completely clueless they are.)

Still, if you are spending time with her then you can plan A. Just account for her time.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by father of 1, husband of 0:
<strong> If you can't account for her time, then anything she says and does with you is meaningless. She may or may not be playing you, but she's probably still foggy.

I remember at one point when the wife and I where back together far a while that she seemed fairly normal, but that's just because she got better at playing her game. (I had threatened divorce and she had found out the OM was cheating on her to get to a brief reconcilliation. She still married the OM. Completely clueless they are.)

Still, if you are spending time with her then you can plan A. Just account for her time. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Can you please explain "Account for her time" I am assuming you are meaning time when we are not together?

I'm following your story and your post to ark^^ had shivers of horror running up and down my spine.

Phrases like:
-"neither of us want one, she says she needs time and space to figure out what she wants"...,
-"seems like I am the only one (working on it)"...,
-absolutely, that is not even a question for me (want to be married). She seems at times that she could care less one way or the other."...,
-"she didnt feel comfortable with it, she felt pressured......to name a few.

These are word for word, straight out of my wife's mouth.

Freaky.

dewt

<small>[ April 19, 2004, 08:54 PM: Message edited by: dewt ]</small>

HunterFox,

Yes, I'm talking about accounting for her time when you are not with her.

There was a time when my wife and I had reconciled. I thought things were going better. Nope, she just learned to conceal it better and sit back on top of the fence.

Quietly, find out where she is when she's not with you. Don't confront her with it, you'll push her over the fence.

This weekend I spent a lot of time alone reflecting on things I did and the way I acted at times before we got seperated, I have done things many times and I use those thoughts as learning experiences and growth experiences. What I get out of it is how valuable our marriage still is.

Today I sent her text message saying that when I get off of work I would like to come over and discuss a few things with her, she replyed ok.

When I got there she wasnt feeling well (stomach cramps) and she asked me what I wanted to talk about.

HF: hon, we have not talked about things that are important to you, I want to talk about them, I want to talk about you.

MsHF: I am just concerned about me and getting on with my life, I am 30years old and I have to concentrate on me and whats good for me, not you or CJ but me.

HF: Since we have been seperated I have seen you take care of yourself and I'll be the first to admit that I do admire how well you have done. When you told me you wanted to go back to school and do something with your life it made me real happy, I am behind you on that 100%.

MsHF: Thank you

HF: I know what things are important to you and I want to help you reach your goals, and we also have to think about our son as well, cause we are still responsible to guide him and give him direction in his life as well.

MsHF: I know that, but I have to take care of me and whats best for me, I have to do whats best for me and I cannot and don't want to rely on you to be there. I have to take care of myself.

HF: I understand.

HF: Something else I want to say is this. I really feel that I owe you a truthful and sincere apology for things that I have done in the past, I know it may not change things but I owe you an apology anyway, so I apologize.

MsHF: Thank you, (smiling)

HF: You have given me a deep appreciation for the marriage we had and I am very happy that we never got divorced. You have made me understand alot of things about you and who you are and I am very thankful for you.

HF: I know we have not figured out where we are headed yet but we need to figure it out sometime, but I want you to know that I will do everything I can to make you feel comfortable enough to come back home if and when you ever decide to. I am going to be open and honest with you and everytime I feel the need to make a decision about us, I want you to know that I will discuss those things with you as my wife and someone who I love dearly.


HF: I know your not feeling well, so get some sleep and call me later if you wish.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by father of 1, husband of 0:
<strong> HunterFox,

Yes, I'm talking about accounting for her time when you are not with her.

There was a time when my wife and I had reconciled. I thought things were going better. Nope, she just learned to conceal it better and sit back on top of the fence.

Quietly, find out where she is when she's not with you. Don't confront her with it, you'll push her over the fence. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">95% of the time I know where she is and what she may be doing, however it is what she is doing when I know where she is that is the problem.

MsHF: I know that, but I have to take care of me and whats best for me, I have to do whats best for me and I cannot and don't want to rely on you to be there. I have to take care of myself.

HF: I understand.

This too, I've heard. Again, word for word. I, however, definitely do not understand. What exactly does that mean?

dewt

Hi HunterFox,

My XW became physically ill just before we divorced. The affair had continued. She was having to live with it.

Notice what your wife is saying, "me, me, me, me".

I wish you the best of luck, but I'm concerned that your wife is headed out the door and is having an exit affair.