Hi

Last night some people made me wonder if I'm doing the "right" thing or not telling OW's H about the A.

Here is how I "see" things.

H is back home since a month ago. We are trying to fix this. He is not doing all it takes, but he is doing some things. Baby steps.

My gut is telling me the A is over, and I accepted his relapse as a part of this whole proccess. BTW I'm not going to accept more relapses.

OW and him still work together.

OW is M, and her H works away from this city. He goes to a city 2 hours from here from monday to friday or so. This is one of the reasons I didn't catch it sooner. H was always here on weekends. Anyway, I got OW's home phone number. I have asked my H the information about him but he refuses to give, and in a way he gave telling me all this about him. Like if you want to contact him just call on a weekend night or something.

H is only asking me that if I contact him, please tell him before hand.

My gut is telling me the A is over for good. Yes I have been mistaken in the past, but his last relapse I got in the same day.

I know it would be deceiving from me on not telling him, and one side of me, would want to save him (Ow's H) of all the pain I been thru. In the end, I know is going to blow either way I tell or not, because nothing is hidden.

Another things is about reactions. One part of me is telling me, he (OW's H) must be having also an A there on his own city. That is just how things "work" here, and of course he don't had his needs met by OW from M to F and sometimes that leads to an A right?. So one side of me is telling me they are 2 of a kind, and like he would care... The other side is telling me he might care if my assumptions are wrong.

So now that I believe the A is over, and since I didn't told before...

What good would it bring ME, besides some sort of warranty on the NC things, which is pointless since they work together still now??

Please advice is welcome

Tell the OW's H. It will certainly help to end the affair once and for all.

You will not be causing OW's H any pain by telling him about the A...the OW has caused that pain.

Consider OW's H. You've made some pretty strong assumptions that OW's H "must be having an A in his own city". Imagine instead that OW's H has noticed changes with the OW and has been worried, stressed out and sick over considering an A?

If the shoe were on the other foot, wouldn't you want OW's H to tell you?

Expose the A immediately. And, I wouldn't tell your H until after you've contacted OW's H. It's sounds likely he will forewarn the OW.

Good luck.

sss

<small>[ April 23, 2004, 02:05 PM: Message edited by: stillsosad ]</small>

Mati,

What do you have to gain from the situation? The truth, exposure, and accountability. OW's H may be having his own As. But he still probably won't want her to carry on her own. People are selfish that way. It seems pretty unlikely that he'd support an ongoing A. And as she hasn't filed for divorce, I doubt she wants one. Exposure is likely to force her to focus on her own M instead of sneaking around with your H.

What do you have to lose? Possibly H's job, but at least that will help with NC.

Is the reason you're really holding back for fear of upsetting your H? Don't protect him from his own actions. You won't be doing either of you a favor.

Now after all that, I know it won't be an easy thing to do if you decide to go for it. But I do believe it can only help in the long run. Your H will probably react badly to it. Maybe I'm sort of witchy today, but I don't have a lot of sympathy for him.

Throw some imaginary rock at her for me, ok.

Matilde, I would tell the OWH right away. For 2 reasons, the man deserves to know and because it will lessen the chance that the affair resumes if there are 2 people watching them instead of one.

Nor would I tell your H beforehand. That will only give the OW a chance to get to her H and spin the story so that he thinks you are a nut when you call. There is NO REASON AT ALL to give the bad guys a heads up that you are going to bust them. If you must tell your H, tell him afterwards.

You know that the affair is unlikely to end if they work together, right, Matilde? That is very worrisome and puts you in a very unsafe position.

Mati -

I'll post these links as I posted them for Durham76. I think my situation on exposure was the exact same situation you are in now.


I found links to some very important threads in my path. I hope you will take the time to skim through them. I've read them today and my heart cried out for the girl that wrote those things. It's hard to believe it was me. Please pay close attention to the Mortarman / Believer / Somebody Help! thread. I think you will see the similarities in our stories.

Social Outing with BS, H and OW 2/20/2004

Mortarman / Beliver / Somebody Help! 3/05/2004

Angel of Exposure 3/23/2004

Exposure is your insurance. You have no idea how much it will help you until you expose.

I am the poster child for not wanted to expose for fear of what might happen. I found out in the end that if I had exposed from the beginning I could have saved myself a great deal of pain.

i have some regrets in life...as we all do...but the biggest regret i will allways carry is not telling ow's boyfriend/fiance. i feel like i lost a piece of my integrity by not doing it. i should have.

matilde - first of all, if he hasn't sent a no contact letter, the affair is NOT over. Period.

Even if he has, this is no guarantee.

In the post linked in my sig line below a link to another post entitled, "On informing OP's Spouse of the Affair."

Read it.

Thank you for your answers.

Stillsosad, your point is very valid, I have not thought on it.

Dobie

Maybe I was protecting him or enabling him by not doing this. And of course I'm afraid somehow on the what might happen if H lose his job, FS is on my top needs. but I didn't saw this as protecting him, more like protecting myself of the consecuences, like do not make waves, cause I still think our spot is very fragile.
I'll do the rock thing <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

ML

Well those were my main reasons. Thank you.

heroeswife

Thank you having read your posts made me clear my mind a lot!!!!

nikko, oh boy do we keep doing the same things?

WAT, he sended a NC email, the A resumed, He then called OW in fron of me to end it, and later relapsed. Not easy huh?

All your answers made me think a lot.

All this time, I been looking at this issue as a bad thing. Like selfish thing for me to do, ruin their M and have him live sort of like the hell I been through, and I can tell you I don't wish that on my worst enemy.

I still don't know if I'm going to do it. I been looking for the right reasons for ME to do it, and I have not found many until today.

Maybe I'm wrong, but this would be why I would tell...

First, HONESTY. I been asking that from my H, and I'm not following with it completely. I mean, I try to be honest with myself, but I'm not being honest with my principles on covering deceit.

Second, this one is selfish, and this is the one I do not believe most on. Although I know, this might be like an insurance, well my H also played a huge role on this, he pursued her, not the other way around. And this may help, but in the end, if they decide to keep at it, they will, including me, OW's H, or anyone who might be against it.

And third, and this is the one I'm having a bad time on, is about being noble.
IF I do tell, I don't want to just drop the bomb and leave.

What I would do, is in some way, assure him, this could pass and they can have a better M. Not that I have it right now, but I believe all happens for a reason, and I do believe that in all this time I have learned a lot, that will help me with my H or anyone God has prepared for me in case this doesn't work out.

So I would also like to point him or give good things if he decides to accept them. Any ideas?

And I'm not going to give him my book on SAA, because a friend has it, and I don't feel like sharing this site to him either. But I might be wrong on this...

<small>[ April 23, 2004, 01:49 PM: Message edited by: matilde ]</small>

Matilde,

Tell him (OW's H) about this site and encourage him to buy "Surviving an Affair" by Willard Harley.

But really, his well being is not your concern any more than OW's well being is your H's concern. I understand your desire not to hurt someone else, but YOU are not hurting him. Your H and OW are hurting him. You are just giving him the information he needs to realize there is a problem which needs to be fixed.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by matilde:
<strong>I don't feel like sharing this site to him either.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why would you not?

The point of exposure is to bring about an end to the affair. Wouldn't you like to know?

This site has tremendous resources for dealing with affairs - those in progress, those over in recovery, and those that lead to divorce.

What benefit could there possibly be in not sharing this site with anyone experiencing some aspect of marital difficulty?

Now, did you read the links I pointed you to? If so, how can you possibly still doubt that exposure to OW's H is the right thing to do?

WAT

turtlehead

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I understand your desire not to hurt someone else, but YOU are not hurting him. Your H and OW are hurting him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are right. Sometimes, I don't know why I still don't get many things... Slow learner...

WAT, I'm not doubting that exposure is the right thing to do, I'm doubting if I'll do it or not, ther is a difference. Also, I would not want to share this with him, because probably he will share it with OW and that one is someone that I do not need here or anyplace in my life.

Maybe if I do I'll print some stuff to him, and let him figure it out...

matilde, it is good that your H returned home. I guess by now the unanimous answer to your question is to tell the OW's H. I also feel that way. Tell him and let him be her guard, if he can. You suppose he may have an A of his own, which may be unfair and you are judging all men to be the same, perhaps based on your experience. Remember, I am also from there but I am not that way. In any event, congratulations on the progress and follow through with your plan.

Matilde,
You MUST tell the OW's H. After the NC letter was sent, they resumed contact, they are WEAK. They are keeping a common secret and are not accountable for their actions. The affair must be EXPOSED and it will be much harder for it to continue.

DO NOT tell you H before telling the OW's H, OF COURSE he asked this of you. Kind of like "Hey honey, would you give me a chance to warn the OW so she can concoct a story about you, the lunatic jealous wife?" He wants to protect himself and you will give him the warning to do it?

As long as they work together, the affair will simmer. Take the lid off and expose it before it boils all over the kitchen!

YOU WILL NOT be the cause of any pain that the OW's H might go through. That is the most common sentence I hear in BS's not wanting to tell. The damage has been done and the parties involved in the affair caused ALL OF IT! They made the decision to hurt their spouses. The affair will come to light eventually and you will not be able to say that your honesty helped.

What's in it for you? It's not all about you! In these cases, I hear so many BS's say that they don't see revealing the affair as a positive step for them, so why do it? Because it's the right, moral, decent thing to do. You know that someone else is being deceived, wouldn't you want to be told if you were still in the dark?

I know that this is difficult, but if you recover your marriage and have the weight of the other marriage still in deceipt and secrecy, it's a weight around your own neck. No one said that dealing with any of this was fair or easy. Doing the right thing and being honest is the one positive thing that you can do now to help someone else.

Expect anger, expect hurt, they are the consequences of two people's decision to cheat on their spouses, YOU did nothing to cause them.

Keep us posted, Ladysing

By the way, look up the thread by Apache on this subject. He received a lot of really good answers that you can also ponder.

<small>[ April 23, 2004, 03:42 PM: Message edited by: Ladysing58 ]</small>

My two threads on my H telling the OM's wife also received some very good responses.

H told her with my blessing.

The main reason he told was to blow the A sky high and prevent any further contact between OM and me, which could have happened. I would never have contacted OM but there was always the possibility he would have recontacted me. Horrible I know but the unvarnished truth is that I'm still marginally foggy.

The other reason was because he was obsessing about meeting OM and doing something he would regret like giving him a punch. He was looking for his car every morning on the way to work - they both go in the same direction as we live not far from each other.

Another reason was that it was the right and moral thing to do. Almost everyone agrees that they would want to know.

There have been no repercussions at all except that it was very good closure for both me and H. A's die in the light. It's so hard to explain that the simple act of telling her brought H and I closer together.

Jenny

Whyme

Thanks for the reminder, and I don't believe I'm judging all men like my H. Just that couple LOL.
But I may be wrong most likely.

Thank you... How are thing with you this days? I have not read you, any progress?

Ladysing

I hear you loud and clear, but a thing bother me...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> As long as they work together, the affair will simmer. Take the lid off and expose it before it boils all over the kitchen!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know those are very dangerous waters, but I see that in 2 ways.

One yes, my H is weak, but I hope some day he will show on what he is build on. Right now, admiration is sinking and it has always been a big thing with me.
Either if he stays at that job or not he is the one who has to show strenght and vision.

Also I don't know if telling would be controling... And to tell you the truth I know I don't control anything. But also not telling that would be my H controling me? Anyway... I think the A ended. That there is a chance to relapse again? Yes, that would be again my H's poor choice and his down head talking. And truthfully if that is the way he want it, I been very patiente with all this, so be it, she can have him.

I can allow myself on being patiente IF and only IF I see him working on this, maybe not at my speed or maybe with not all I want, but not with relapsing anymore.

The job thing also plays a huge role in my decision if I tell or not.
On what I make, I can mantain home but without any savings. And it's better nothing gets broken. Also that would mean no more counseling which for selfish motives I think we can not do right now.
Regarding that, H is moving like crazy and contacting many people for a new job, but I sayed already, unnemployment here is over 70%, so it's not an easy choice for me.

KiwiJ

I know that exposing would be the right thing to do, and somehow I can't believe my H doesn't have the guts to stop this once and forever. Maybe he needs a little more help? I bet he does as everyone needs. Is just I need to think this more over.

Thank you all again for your replies

M -

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> All this time, I been looking at this issue as a bad thing. Like selfish thing for me to do, ruin their M and have him live sort of like the hell I been through, and I can tell you I don't wish that on my worst enemy.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is not selfish. You wouldn't be telling him to hurt him. You can't watch this from just your side...you need help watching was OW's side too. It'll give you more peace of mind. It'll make your H think twice before contacting her. You'll also be giving OWH a chance to work on his relationship with his wife. Right now he's fighting a battle blind and doesn't even know it. His wife is running around on him and is probably not acting like herself at home. By telling him you give him the same chance you have...to save your marriage.

You are not being selfish.

Do you have a plan of exposure if you decide to do it?

Maybe you could start posting your thoughts on how you would do it. Let us give you pointers. Maybe once you have a decent plan and followup actions prepare you'll feel more comfortable exposing.

You will be helping him...it'll hurt but this might save their marriage.

My prayers are with you.