I posted this yesterday on the Divorced/ Divorcing Board and didn't get any response so I'll try here. Please help.
I have been lurking here for about a week and MB has really helped my mental state of mind. This is my first post, sorry if this is long and rambling but here is my story.
At 10:00 a.m. January 26th my wife walked into my office and told me she had moved out, she wasn't happy, and that she wants a divorce. This was the first clue I had that we had a problem. My first reaction was to ask if there was someone else which she denied. She told me to "find an internet bimbo and be happy." She already had an attorney. I hired mine the next day, he told me to do some digging and see what I could come up with. The day after that I was served with my divorce papers. I work in law enforcement and know the deputies that serve papers and they tell me it takes 12 to 15 working days from the time they are initiated til they are served. That weekend I was talking to a mutual friend of my wife and I and found out that the Friday before Monday move out day, she was over at my wife's new house waiting on the gas company to come turn the gas on. I was hurt by this as she is a close friend but she said she would have done the same thing for me if I had asked. Her husband was unhappy with her for getting involved. We were talking in the presence of her husband and I asked her if there was someone else and she said she really didn't think so. I had been hearing rumors of a previous A so I asked her about the past and she told me to ask my wife. I told her that she will not tell me the truth. Then I asked her if my wife had an A with "Y" and I named the OM. She said that she had. I nearly threw-up.
The next big flash came almost by accident. I had bought her a cell phone for her birthday and the account was in my name. I received a bill for almost $300 way more than the usual $50 to $60. I got a copy of the itemized statement and there were only 2 weeks on there after she moved out and had the account switched to her name. There were over 400 minutes in those 2 weeks to and from one particular number. I got the name of that person and did a Google search and soon had the current OM's address, age, employer and job title. My wife works in administration at the local school and he works for the state Education Dept. and lives about 2 hours away. On Saturday, March 27th, while my mother was keeping my kids, my dad and I were at his house taking picture of her vehicle in his driveway. She knew that she was caught but I didn't know that she knew. When I took the kids back to her the next afternoon, she was teary eyed and we talked a little. She said she hadn't been a good wife for a long time. The next day I took the pictures to my attorney and found out that he had talked to her attorney earlier and she had called him and told him she had been caught. I didn't even get the satisfaction of seeing the look on her face when she found out she was busted. That afternoon my wife and I met at a neutral site to talk. She said that the OM called her the day she filed and asked her out and she just laughed at him, thought he was kidding and that they continued to talk and she didn't start dating him until a month after she moved out. I pointed out to her that we are still married. She continues to see him. She was at a meeting across the state recently and I was keeping our kids when she called on his cell phone to tell them good night. When it is my weekend with the kids she is gone. I usually get them every Wednesday and she is gone overnight then too. While I appreciate the time I get with my boys, I only get it because she wants to see her boyfriend. The kids are doing fairly well now. The eldest cried himself to sleep the first 3 nights at his mothers house. I talked to the counselor at his school and she had a talk with him and it has really seemed to help. The youngest seems to think the whole thing is an adventure. After D-Day she showed the eldest a picture of the OM and told him that she had been out on a date with him. He cried over this too. I have since found evidence that her A was going on in mid November '03 and that she may have been working with him for the last 4 years. She has threatened to move as far away from me as she can and I will only get to see me boys when the papers say I can. I don't know if I want to work things out with her but I do know the every other weekend plan is the last thing I ever wanted with my kids. I know I could never trust her again but Dr. Harley says we shouldn't trust our spouses anyway. All I know is this situation hurts. I'm taking Welbutrin XL for depression and Doxepin to sleep (dosen't always work) and seeing a shrink. She has seen a shrink too at least once, don't know if she is continuing. I have heard stories of people further gone than my wife and I getting back together and living relatively happly everafter. Can we do it? Should we do it?

Hi I am a bit new to this but If I can make a suggestion don't make any decisions too quickly. You have to seriously think if you truly want to save your marriage. If you want to you can work to save it. Anything is possible! Read as much as you can about affairs and what you can do. This sight has some good articles. There are also many good books. Be careful of advice from a lawyer. They won't make any money if you save your marriage only if you divorce.

Dear Jeff, I am sorry you made it here, but just know that you are in the right place. The decision to save your marriage or not is entirely a personal one, but I will just tell you that with a lot of work it is very possible to end up with a better marriage afterwards than you had before. I never thought that possible, but I have seen it time and time again from using Marriage Builders principles.

If you want to save your marriage, there are several things I would suggest.

1. Get the book Surviving an Affair ASAP and read it through. This will be a tremendous advantage in helping you understand what is happening with your W.

2. Start practicing Plan A RIGHT now. This means being as civil and pleasant as you can, looking for every opportunity to meet her needs. Absolutely no lovebusters.

3. Expose, expose, expose, expose. Expose this affair to his workplace, her family, your friends, his wife. Exposure causes huge conflict in the affair and can hasten its end. It cannot survive in secret

Try and get evidence of the affair in order to get 100% custody of your boys. If she is threatening to move them away then she does not have their best interest at heart. Nor is she a good role model to involve them in her sleazy affair.

Here is a good overview of Plan A:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=30&t=000176
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

i don't feel really equipped to give you the advice that you seek. but what i can say is to continue to read and post here, read everything you can on the MB homepage and read Dr. harley's books. The most important thing you can do is pray and seek the counsel of God, he's free and always available. prayers to you.

Thanks for the response guys. I have looked at Plan A and Plan B. Since she contintues to see her OM isn't it time for Plan B. DV-Day is scheduled for Aug. 2nd, don't have much time. I found out last night they have a cruise planned for mid July.

You might also want to counsel with someone from here and they will give you a plan. Like Melodylane said expose the affair, it takes the fantasy out of it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by deafjeff:
<strong> Thanks for the response guys. I have looked at Plan A and Plan B. Since she contintues to see her OM isn't it time for Plan B. DV-Day is scheduled for Aug. 2nd, don't have much time. I found out last night they have a cruise planned for mid July. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wouldn't go to Plan B until you have done more to end the affair. Who have you exposed this affair to? Is OM married?

If you went to Plan B, would your W have reason to miss you? How has your treatment of her been since she left? See, its really important to do Plan A before you do Plan B or it will backfire. If they have no cause to miss you, then Plan B is just a RELIEF. We want her to have reason to MISS you before you take that step.

I wouldn't move to plan B yet either. Spend a bit more time here, learn more, let this sink in a bit more. Decisions made in haste are usually regretted later.

The link in my sig will give you a great overview of this site, these message boards and MB principles in general.

Sorry about the circumstances that brought yoiu here, but welcome to MB anyway.

dewt

I know that restoring marriage is #1 priority. If that can't happen please realize that depending on what state you are in you can have 50% custody at least in Calif. I was told by lawyer that I have no say if H wants 50% he can have it.

Wow! You guys are great! It helps to know that people are out there when you need them. As far as exposure, I'm a scorched earth kind of kind of guy. I have told everyone that I can get to listen, including her friends and coworkers and some of his coworkers. I did not tell my children and wasn't going to til they asked but she did. Damage control I guess. I have not talked to anyone in her family as I have been advised not to.
Had a session with my shrink yesterday morning and afairly long talk with my WS yetserday afternoon. Used Plan A big time, she says she has no interest in working things out but at least she knows I'm willing.
My attorney says that our judge doesn't do joint custody and the fact that she has been unfaithful won't make a difference custody wise- it just shows that she wasn't a good wife not a bad mother. Alienation of Affection was done away with a couple of years ago. The Court has appointed an Attorney Ad-Litem (at my expense) that is supposed to talk with the kids and advise the judge what their wishes are, that should go in my favor. My attorney gives odds of 70/30 against me getting custody.
I woke up this a.m. leaning against working things out. I feel like a ping pong ball. I don't know wether to keep trying Plan A or throw my hands up and wait for August 2nd. Our anniversary is July 15th and WS and OM have a trip planned for the next week. Thats tough competition.

<small>[ May 11, 2004, 09:19 AM: Message edited by: deafjeff ]</small>

So you haven't told her family? I would do this if you haven't. Yes she will be mad for a bit but she will get over it.

DeafJeff,

Your attorney said her A wouldn't hurt her chances of custody? Where I live, if a woman is actively involved in an A while married she has a hard battle getting custody of her children.

I'd document *everything* you can about the A and her involvement with OM, especially if she's exposing the kids to him while still M to you. THAT would show an immoral example, an insecure and ever-changing home life for the children, and maybe other stuff your atty. could use.

It wouldn't hurt to talk to another attorney, either, but don't let yourself get snowed by someone who says "oh, this will be easy!". It's so hard to know, isn't it? I've been there myself <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Regarding the threat to move as far from you as you can, and only getting to see the boys when she says you can - that is CLEARLY using them as pawns, and NO court will tolerate that. Can you get this in writing or on tape? Record all of your phone conversations with her!

Your attorney said her A wouldn't hurt her chances of custody? Where I live, if a woman is actively involved in an A while married she has a hard battle getting custody of her children.
Many places are "no fault" divorce and an affair cannot even be brought up.

Chris - thanks, I've heard the term "no fault" but didn't know what it was. The A can't even be brought up in some places? Man, talk about getting kicked while you're down. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

She has told her family. Her mother told my boys that it is OK for her to be dating because we are no longer living together. I doubt that they know the truth about when it started but I can't prove my suspicions of mid Nov. '03- way before her Jan. 26th '04 move out day.
I work with an attorney (also happens to be a very good counselor) and she tells me pretty much the same thing my attorney does- her A won't have much affect on the custody issue and if it is dwelled on too much in Court the judge will just get POed and say move on. She also knows both of our attorneys. She says mine is about the smartest around and WS's is a weasel.
I get my kids tonight and I know WS has a rendevous with OM. Friends, family, coworkers tell me let her go, forget about it. It is eating me up. I want to find them, it wouldn't be hard in the town where they are meeting and confront. I have been strongly advised to keep my butt at home and have agreed to do so but it sure does hurt.

If you are still living in the marital home with the children, she should not be getting any overnight visitation with the children until and unless it is awarded by the court. The children's lives should not be disrupted anymore than they are already.

My state has no fault divorce, but it also has fault based divorce, and I believe many other states do as well. I think the most important thing at this point is getting custody of your children. The longer you allow her to have the children most of the time, the worse your chances in court. Temporary orders can usually be obtained within a week or two. In many states a provision can be included prohibiting overnight visitation by members of the opposite sex while the children are present as long as you are still married.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by deafjeff:
[QB] She has told her family. Her mother told my boys that it is OK for her to be dating because we are no longer living together. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would correct that misunderstanding about why you are seperated. I would inform her family that she was having an affair and that is why she left. Believe me, she probably made you out to be satan incarnate.

And also let you MIL know that dating while married, albeit seperated, is adultery and that you have corrected this notion with your children.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I get my kids tonight and I know WS has a rendevous with OM. Friends, family, coworkers tell me let her go, forget about it. It is eating me up. I want to find them, it wouldn't be hard in the town where they are meeting and confront. I have been strongly advised to keep my butt at home and have agreed to do so but it sure does hurt. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know, I think this would work against you. It would make you look like the bad guy and they could use it to further demonize you.

When she moved out she took most of the kids stuff including clothes and beds. She is the custodial parent on the temporary order, I get every other weekend, holidays every other year, and six weeks during the summer during which time she gets every other weekend. Out of the goodness of her heart she has been letting me have 1 night a week so she can hook up with OM. I started paying child support directly to her week 1 and have been paying through the Court since the temporary order was issued.
As I understand it, I can get a morality clause in the final order that would prevent overnight guests with whoever has the kids. Also, as I understand it, if she violates this clause and we go back to court, all she has to do is say, "Sorry your honor. I didn't understand." and the judge will shake his finger at her and tell her not to do it again.

Did your attorney try to help you get custody? Can you get custody? That is a crying shame that your kids were uprooted for her affair.

Also, it just ocurred to me that if you know where they will be tonight, you could have someone take pictures of them together. This would be good evidence for you.

Jeff, have you exposed this affair to the world? Is this man married? Have you notified his workplace? Exposure is absolutely essential if you want to help end this affair. It cannot survive in secrecy for long. Exposure puts great conflict into the affair and helps hasten it end.