Two days ago my W called me at work and said that her IC would like to meet me to see if we were ready for MC. This IC has been against MC, feeling that the timing, so close to Dday, would be a disaster. I believe that she may have a valid point. As it turns out,it's my W who asked if we were ready for MC, telling me that it may be time since we are in two very different places despite being under the same roof.

By the way, the timing of this confuses me. 5 days ago, she told me that she was in love with OM and she refused my request for a "date night", saying she wasn't ready.

Here are my questions/concerns:
1) what is the GOAL of MC???
2) If both parties are not committed to
reconciling the M, isn't MC an exercise in
futility??
3) Is MC a good idea when spouse says she's in
love with OM?
4) Should MC be postponed until W is no longer
infatuated?

A part of me says that W is willing to do this so that she will be able to say that she did "all she could" and then justify moving on. I don't know how a M can be restored through MC if both are not committed. I was hopeful that W would consider MC but it seems like a losing proposition at this point Is the main purpose of MC to restore the M or it it something else,possible re-establish communication. All of this scares me because I'm afraid that if we "use up this bullet", there may be nothing stopping her from asking for a D. MC may be a way for her to justify her current lack of feelings for me, and loving feelings for OM. Anyone??

"When is MC a bad idea??"

When you have an incompetant counselor.

IGP, I think I answered your additional questions in your other post.

But I have a few for you:

In your Plan A, what negative contributions to the marriage did you identify that YOU contributed?

Have you corrected these?

Have you expressed to your wife these revelations?

Have you demonstrated to her your improvements?

WAT

IGP, I would go to MC just to see what your W wants to say. But be prepared for the eventuality that it is not to give you good news. MC doesn't work unless both parties are committed and you will find that many MCers are NOT pro-marriage at all. Nor do they understand the dynamics of an affair, which makes it worse. They are often very quick to recommend divorce based only on the temporary feelings of the WS.

Here is a pretty good article about so called "marriage counseling"

http://www.smartmarriages.com/hazardous.html

I would second WAT's statement that the only time MC is not a good idea is when the counselor in question is incompetent or not expressly pro-marriage.

Even if your wife is requesting MC so she can say she "tried" before divorce, that doesn't mean that the counseling won't reveal the flaws in her logic or the merits of staying and working on the marriage.

Lots of people on this site pray daily for their WS to be willing to go to MC, regardless of the reason. Don't box yourself in to thinking you have to recover your way. Be encouraged that she's willing to get a second opinion on your marriage, even if you think she's already made her mind up going in. Many things we "know" turn out to not be true when the rubber meets the road. I "knew" I would not remain in the marriage if H cheated again, and yet here I am in a recovered marriage 2+ years after H's last A. During the A, H "knew" our marriage was a horrible mistake. Sometimes clarity comes suddenly and harshly when we are forced to examine the things we "know."

And sometimes, even the "wrong" thing works out for the best. Our first MC was a completely incompetent idiot. H admits now that he threw out "hints" that he was having an A when he was in IC with this guy, kind of hoping he'd confront him about it. Nope.

BUT--seeing even this idiot started cracking around the edges of the fantasy and lies H had constructed around himself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> MC doesn't work unless both parties are committed and you will find that many MCers are NOT pro-marriage at all. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What is this statement based on? Marriage and family therapist are taught to save the marriage first whenever possible. Unless blatant abuse is present the first effort is to rebuild the marriage. The emotional and financial trauma of a divorce are always factored in.

In addition to Kat, I'd make that statement, too, based on the ample anecdotal evidence we see on this forum from reports of MC experiences.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Marriage and family therapist are taught to save the marriage first whenever possible. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well it seems a lot of them have short memories.

The "family therapist" treating my son in the aftermath of his brother's death certainly didn't argue for my then-wife to get her head out of her butt. The marriage issues and "alleged" affair were "off limits" to my son's care. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

<small>[ May 13, 2004, 09:21 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

If you do decide to go to MC you might want to consider asking him or her if he or she is aware of your WW's affair. If he or she is aware, then ask him or her if he or she beleives if its possible to save the marriage without a full committment from your WW to end all contact with the OM forever. If the answer he or she gives you is far from a resounding no, then consider thanking him or her for his or her time and leave.

Many times the WS purpose for MC is not to save the marriage but to use it as a forum to indict and prosecute the marriage (as well as the BS). Avoid at all costs getting suckered into a kangaroo court of the WS and MC's making, and giving your WW a clear conscience for ending the marriage.

TMCM yes, WWs counselor is aware of the A. I just don't see how you can work on the M if you say you love the OM 3 days prior. This confuses me greatly and I am not in a very trusting place right now.

Excellent advice from CoffeeMan

Re-read Rule #1 - here it is:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Rule 1: Don't try to make sense out of what's happening. You are not dealing with rational people, so your normal thought processes won't work. This is exactly why you're confused. Your spouse will act as if he/she has been abducted by aliens and had their brains scrambled. Just watch and don't take any of this personally. If you can do it calmly, confront your spouse with any solid evidence you have of the affair, but expect denials and lies beyond belief. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">IGP - I wouldn't worry about your wife saying just three days ago that she could jump over the moon, much less be "in love" with OM.

We BSs waste a LOT of time and brain cells trying to make sense out of what they say. Ever try to debate with a drunk? Same thing.

TMCM - howzit?

<small>[ May 13, 2004, 11:14 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by worthatry:

Re-read Rule #1 - here it is:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Rule 1: Don't try to make sense out of what's happening. You are not dealing with rational people, so your normal thought processes won't work. This is exactly why you're confused. Your spouse will act as if he/she has been abducted by aliens and had their brains scrambled. Just watch and don't take any of this personally. If you can do it calmly, confront your spouse with any solid evidence you have of the affair, but expect denials and lies beyond belief. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">IGP - I wouldn't worry about your wife saying just three days ago that she could jump over the moon, much less be "in love" with OM.

We BSs waste a LOT of time and brain cells trying to make sense out of what they say. Ever try to debate with a drunk? Same thing.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is so true and if you doubt it, then just go read many of the FWS's posts regarding how they felt about their BS's shortly after the end of their A's and how they feel presently about them. You'll see that quite a few of them are still puzzled as to who they were during the time when they felt that they weren't in love with their BS's. But this only happens AFTER they have gone through the painful process of withdrawl from the OP and their minds can once more comprehend life as it truly is and not as the fantasy that the A paints it.[/quote]

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">TMCM - howzit?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Quite good actually. Got a brand new job and the women in my life(W and DDs) are not driving me crazy, at least for the moment <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . Hope everything is going great with you as well.