Well WW told me today that she wants me out of the house. Said there is no longer any sense in trying because I don't and never will trust her. When I told her that was not true that I felt we had come a long way in a short time given the mistakes we had both made she said she couldn't talk to me there was no sense in it.

She also informed me that I have caused her business to fail because she can no longer work late nights, insert meet him, without me getting suspisious.

When I asked if this meant she was filing for divorce she said she didn't know. She was confused and just wanted away from me. When I said please don't do anything now. She said why not? I said well you said yourself that you were confused maybe you shouldn't make any decisions right now, she said why wait?

For those of you not familar with my situation I was informed by OM's probation officer on Monday that OM had violated his probation by going out of state with my W. According to her there had been no contact since March. This incident took place the Monday before last.

My situation is different from many here in that W has always said she loved me and wanted to work things out. Even the morning I was served divorce papers she said she wanted things to work. She left home but only for one night even though a condo had been pre paid for 6 months so the fact that she will now not say I love you and that she wants me out is a really bad sign. One odd thing is she told me she thought I should go back to the state we moved from. I asked her if she thought it would help us if we moved as a family and she said she couldn't do that. What is odd is that we now live in my hometown and where she wants me to go is her home state about 700 miles from here where all her family lives.

So I guess ol Mr. E is hitting the road. Not sure what plan you call this but it sucks what ever it is, but I keep trying to remind myself IT'S A GREAT DAY TO BE ALIVE. I just wish I didn't have a broken wrist and I could go on my Harley everthing always seems better on it.

Mr. E,

I'm sorry to hear you so blue. Do YOU want to call it quits and leave? If you do, you're certainly entitled and no one will think worse of you. However, if you still want to hang in there, I'd say stay.

Well WW told me today that she wants me out of the house.
Um, no, SHE can leave the house, as a consequence of her actions. There's no reason in the world why you should leave the comforts of your own home if you don't want to.

Said there is no longer any sense in trying because I don't and never will trust her.
Sure you will - as soon as she earns your trust.

She also informed me that I have caused her business to fail
No, that is a consequence of her own actions. Let this garbage roll off your back.

Your W is still in an A. You can't believe any of this stuff she says because she is NOT thinking clearly. Please don't give it any creedence. Continue your plan A.

Since DDay was only 3 months ago, *I'd* suggest staying another 3. A good rule of thumb is not to make any big decisions for at least six months. That's just me, though. Only you know, deep down in your heart, what you need to do for you.

Mr. E it's still not too late, if your goal is still for reconcilliation in your M. i don't know your full story but even if you were served D papers and your W has or wants to move out doesn't mean it's over. i'm just generalizing here but a lot of times that's what is needed is for the WS to move out for them to wake up.

so i guess i want to say to let us know more of what your goal is so we can support you that way. keep reading and posting here, you will find bits and pieces of information you can use for yourself, your situation, or even help to advise others. prayers to you.

turtlehead hit all the points I wanted to make, so I'll just underscore the suggestion that you ask her to leave if she wants you two apart.

You need to protect your kids from this monster. You can't keep your W from seeing him if she wants to, so she should go be with him and leave your children out of her dangerous game.

-Qfwfq (aka 2long)

<small>[ May 19, 2004, 11:50 AM: Message edited by: Qfwfq ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Mr. E:
<strong> Well WW told me today that she wants me out of the house. Said there is no longer any sense in trying because I don't and never will trust her. When I told her that was not true that I felt we had come a long way in a short time given the mistakes we had both made she said she couldn't talk to me there was no sense in it.

She also informed me that I have caused her business to fail because she can no longer work late nights, insert meet him, without me getting suspisious.

When I asked if this meant she was filing for divorce she said she didn't know. She was confused and just wanted away from me. When I said please don't do anything now. She said why not? I said well you said yourself that you were confused maybe you shouldn't make any decisions right now, she said why wait?

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mr. E,

Sorry to hear the babble you had to endure but DON'T move out. This is YOUR FAMILY'S home not that of a WS/OP. You protect your homestead.

Now as for the accusations of you causing her business to fail, well many of us have been blamed for that also. In my case the OW accused me of doing that to H's business. Geeze, I was the one who paid his taxes and prepared his paperwork, not to speak of all the other 'little things' to keep the business functioning...... So when a WS accuses a BS or any sane person of anything you CAN'T take it at face value.

Also, DON'T make life changing choices over such accusations. Stand your ground.

If she doesn't want to be around you and the family, let her leave. You present yourself and your family (including home and pets) as 1 package. ok? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

take care,
L.

<small>[ May 19, 2004, 12:00 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Thank you all so much for the suggestions. To address what I want, I want my real wife back and my family intact.

Here's why I am considering leaving for awhile. 1) I have no job right now and a little money to burn and so I can just take off (by the way for the record she really did by her own admission cost me my job
2) OM man has thought control over W and if I stay it would be impossible not to do or say something that he would twist into something she felt was D worthy.. especially since she has become someone I don't know, I swear I went to take my pain medicine yesterday and six tablets were gone... no wonder she had been going to bed so early the last two nights... that's pretty low to steal someone's medication and that's from a women that up till last fall wouldn't have taken someome else's medcine even if had been offered and she needed it
3) If I leave now and do kind of a mini plan B as in no contact for awhile it will give her free rein to see OM in the context it would really be post D... yes I run the risk that if I'm not around he may convince her to D me any hoo but I won't be here to bank roll everything and I won't be here to watch the kids so she can "work late" and seeing as how my kids are terrified of him she can't take them along
4) If she is able to spend more time with OM sooner or later she will see that his poor white trash life style is not all it's cracked up to be.. in fact she would find out that they are really screwed since OM has no money and she truly has ruined her business by closing up at least part of most days to sneak of with him
5) If she doesn't have to sneak around to see him I think some of the alure of the A will wear off
6) I was told by local PD that if OM is caught with her it is a violation of his probation even if she gave it the okay, unless they go to court first to have the no contact order lifted which ol' Mr. E would fight where the kids are concerned

Comments?

You also run the risk of returning to your family home, which you have ownership in, to find the locks changed.

Protect yourself, if you choose to do Plan B in the way you describe.

Oh no, BAD DAY for you! Remember this: It's not over until the fat lady sings, as they say. Take what WW says with a grain of salt, trust me on this! Did you get to the site I asked you to? You really need to take some time and do this.

She needs a copy of that article to go over on her own time. She knows exactly how deep she's in and for her to have her vulnerability addressed in black and white is necessary to help her not only get out of the fog but to open her eyes to her very real level of danger.

You would have to think about how you present it to her so it doesn't appear to be a LB or DJ. Assure her of your concern for her personal safety regardless of her feelings about the M.

At this point, you cannot rule out the possibility of outside pressure in the form of threats on your life from OM if she doesn't separate from you. Hide the pills from her, this could get worse! SHE IS UNDER A HUGE AMOUNT OF STRESS, MORE THAN YOU REALIZE. Please get to that website ASAP if you have not done so already. Consider it homework. www.drjoecarver.com

Rereading your post I realize I missed something huge. She wants YOU to move out of state to HER home state which lends support for the thought that she has reason to fear for your safety. It just doesn't make sense otherwise considering this is YOUR homestead, NOT hers.

Some might suggest she just wants you out of the way, but she has told you she loves you and wants it to work. OM has proven his disregard for the restraining order already,what is she supposed to do when he violates it, turn him in? He may have threatened HER with retribution using the same connections he threatened you with. And what was he intending with your little girl anyway???? If WW is trying to back off this may have been a warning to her to stay in line!

I know this sounds cynical and dark but you are not dealing with a normal man here,you are dealing with PURE EVIL.

You just can't put ANYTHING past him. One of the ways my H got me to tell the truth about what was really going on was to sincerely express his concern for me. He was furious but he managed to put his own feelings aside and really listen to me. It was a heart choice he made, to put me first instead of himself. He deserved to put himself first but he didn't. I didn't want to tell all because I was afraid OM would come after him.

I cannot express to you how horrifying it is to realize that you, yourself have put the ones who matter most to you in life in the path of mortal danger.

OM is most definitely pulling strings, how much snooping are you doing? If you've got some free cash why not spend it on a PI? There are all sorts of things you can do yourself as well. There is a thread somewhere in Notable Threads about tricks for snooping. I don't know how to link it, sorry.

There is just way more going on here than meets the eye. I think you need to address the safety issues in regards to your entire family before you can work on recovery. SAFETY FIRST!!! The more info you have on this fool the better. What are your thoughts? KB

<small>[ May 19, 2004, 03:40 PM: Message edited by: knewbetter ]</small>

Mr. E:

All the reasons you gave sound to me like reasons SHE should move out. Let her not only not have to sneak around to be with him, let her LIVE with him. That will destroy her fantasy sooner than quicker.

Also, I would be worried that she might be coerced into bringing him to YOUR HOME, where YOUR KIDS are.

best,
-Qfwfq

Mr. E,

If you leave, she will file divorce citing abandonment. You will not get visiting rights, you will not get much deserved spousal support.

Your leaving will be a COLOSSAL disaster. None of the reasons you posted make sense in light of what you have to risk.

Your family and children are at stake. DO NOT LEAVE!!

So much to ponder thank you all and I welcome anymore input anyone has.

Knewbetter I had hoped you would post thank you in particular. You are correct we are dealing with a criminal mind. The part about my DD scares me to death. How could WW allow him in their lives? I think he has W convinced that he should try to buddy up to them and he would never harm them. But clearly it could have just as easily been an abduction attempt. Either way it scares me. I think he jedi mind tricks W or something she's admitted he has slammed her up against a wall, he's pulled a gun on me, and told her he would have me killed. But somehow he convinces her he is a nice guy?

One thing I can't get past is with her knowing how the kids feel about this guy she could think she could have OM and the kids too. Guess she thinks he can jedi mind trick them too.

Need to cut this short. She'll be home very soon and I don't think she is in the mood for MB.

I'll post more in the morning. I have decided to not leave tomorrow which was my plan. Past that I have no idea.

Mr. E:

Past that, just so long as you don't leave, you'll do good.

Take it a day at a time. Keep posting and let us know how you're doing.

-ol' 2long

You said a mouthful! He slams her up against a wall, holds a gun to your head and tells her he can/will have you killed. After all that, YES he CAN convince her he is a nice guy. Why? Because he's a con, this is what he does, he uses bullying and manipulation to get his way. He is good at getting his way. Very good.

I can't tell you how relieved I am to hear you are staying home. Your situation is a MAJOR trigger for me. I know all too well how bad this can go. Please don't leave your family alone! It is important to err on the side of caution.

This is NOT only about how to deal with a cheating, lying wife! Entirely secondary given your circumstances. This is about how do you protect her and the children from someone who has taken a stand in his own twisted, impulsive mind to take her away from you by whatever means possible. This is what I meant by safety first, recovery second. This is per Harley, BTW!

The OM in my life would tell me in a very forceful way that I belonged to him. It was NOT a matter of discussion. It was NOT a choice. Initially yes, I made a decision but I did not have the option of leaving him. The fear he instilled in me of the consequences if I left him were just too great. My fear for your wife is that she is in this same position.

E, I am following this thread closely and I get worried when you don't update. Please remember this. I will not drop out of this thread! I'm thinking about calling Stunned Dad out of retirement to help out here, maybe tomorrow morning. He also went through so much and went to great lengths to understand and protect his wife.

Maybe you could show my posts to your wife so that she can see someone else has stood in her shoes and made it safely home.

I know you're off for the evening but will look for you first thing in the morning OK? Stay the course, KB

Update? Where are you, E? What's going on?

I cconcur with the others, stay. If she wants out let her go. The first time my W and I had "trouble" was about 11 years ago. She wasn't happy, didn't want to be married anymore- no A that I know of. I moved out. I cried, begged, groveled, and ate [censored]. We went to MC, worked things out and went on to live happily ever after. Exept for about seven years ago. She tells me she isn't happy, doesn't want to be married anymore- there was a A then but I didn't know till February this year. We were living in the house that my dad built for my now deceased grandparents. She expected me to leave. I told her that if she wants out she is going to have to get out. WW, MIL, 2 babies, and me for about a month. I begged and groveled but not as much as last time and we went to MC and and worked things out. Nothing came out in MC about her A so it was all a big expensive lie. We went on to live happily everafter. Until 01/26/04 when she walked into my office and told me she had moved out. I guess she remembered last time when I told her to go if she wanted out, I'm staying. This was the first clue I had that we had a problem. She denied that there was anyone else. Since then I have found out about the A seven years ago and the current one. No crying, begging, groveling. Choose your attorneys and come out swinging. Sometimes I think I might want to turn things around yet again and sometimes I know I don't.

My advice- stay put. Let her go if she thinks someone needs to go.

^Bump^

Mr E:

Greetings. I concur with the above evaluations. Let her leave. If you do not want the marriage that is another topic. As for you, stay put.

She cannot make you leave. And by the way, if you were wise, and I believe you are, keep a transaction journal of everything that is said.
Get as much documentation as you need...cell phone bills...etc..and put the in a file and hide them.

They will come in handy.

And, speaking of handy...get legal advice...you can get free counsel if you need it..and get financial advice as well.

Best to You!

Hey E, are you still here? What's going on?????

^^BUMP^^

What's going on Mr. E? How ya doing?