Is there anyone else in the discussion forum that is in the same position as me that I can talk with? I have a boyfriend whom I've fooled around with another guy on. Me and my boyfriend are so much in love with one another and I'm not really sure why I did it. I want to tell him, but I don't want to hurt him, and that is my main reason for my secret. I feel he deserves better than me and should leave me. The reasons for me not telling him also are tht I feel our relationship will never be the same again, and it is the best relationship in the world. WE are best of friends and confide in each other about everything and are honest with each other. I'm sure I didn't tell him about my past relationships too much, because well, the past is the past. Please let me know if anyone is in this same situation and what they are doing about it.

iwtbh:

"I want to tell him, but I don't want to hurt him, and that is my main reason for my secret."

You already have hurt him. And so the 2uestion is, do you want him 2 go through life with you oblivious as 2 who you really are? Or do you want 2 be "real" with him?

"I feel he deserves better than me and should leave me."

More importantly, he needs 2 be allowed the choice 2 make this decision for himself. You may find that he would choose YOU if you can be honest with him. That's more than a lot of people do get."

"The reasons for me not telling him also are tht I feel our relationship will never be the same again, and it is the best relationship in the world."

It won't be the same. It can't. And it won't be the same whether you tell him or not. But if you don't tell him, it can't be better (but it can get a lot worse). If you do tell him, it could get better as you both work 2gether 2 heal from your infidelity.

"WE are best of friends and confide in each other about everything and are honest with each other."

Obviously, this isn't completely true.

"I'm sure I didn't tell him about my past relationships too much, because well, the past is the past. Please let me know if anyone is in this same situation and what they are doing about it."

Go 2 the home page and read the articles about infidelity and building a rewarding marriage. You MUST tell each other about your past relationships, lest they come back 2 haunt your relationship sometime in the fu2re. It's all there.

I'd like 2 2uote some stuff about truth, honesty, privacy and secrecy that I've found helpful:

"The Difference Between Secret And Private

Private matters are those traits, truths, beliefs, and ideas about ourselves that we keep to ourselves. They might include our fantasies and daydreams, feelings about the way the world works, and spiritual beliefs. Private matters, when revealed either accidentally or purposefully, give another person some insight into the revealer.

Secrets, on the other hand, consist of information that has potentially negative impact on someone else-emotionally, physically, or financially. Secrets, when revealed either accidentally or purposefully, cause great chaos or harm to the secret-keeper and those around him or her.

Private: I believe in reincarnation.

Secret: I have a wife and a mistress and neither knows about the other.

Private: I got terrible grades in high school.

Secret: I forged my medical degree.


The Difference Between Truth and Honesty

Truth is empirical, demonstrable fact. Your bank balance, today’s date, whether or not you’re married.

Honesty is about feelings. If you’re honest, you are open and clear about how you feel. You can be truthful without being honest and you can be honest without being truthful (the latter a little more difficult). The best relationships, stating the painfully obvious, are both truthful and honest. Trust is built on both truth and honesty, tempered by the proof of predictability and reliability."

-ol' 2long

Or, "I want to tell him but won't".

What is holding you back? What is your fear, anxiety about telling him the truth? Would you rather he find out another way? As a truthseeker let me tell it is far worse to find out from another source than from the one who cheated...

Anxiety of telling him, fear of him being hurt and crying and be devastated forever, and fear of him not ever being with me as a lover, nor as a friend. Fear of him never trusting me again, fear of him thinking I'm not who he thought I was, which I am, it's the drug that made me do it...honestly! Fear that he thinks I don't love him, never did, and that when you cheat, you have already left the relationship, which I haven't. I just failed, made a mistake and want to be forgiven, just as I am such a forgiver of people's mistakes. I feel that if he cheated on me, I would eventually forgive and forget, but I'm not like other people out there in the world. I am a forgiving person. Maybe that's why I didn't show enough empathy to not make this mistake cause I feel he would have forgiven me, or that I wouldn't have to tell him. I don't know. I don't know what my brain is thinking. Should I seek counseling before making this move?

What is holding you back? What is your fear, anxiety about telling him the truth? Would you rather he find out another way? As a truthseeker let me tell it is far worse to find out from another source than from the one who cheated... [/QB][/QUOTE]

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by iwanttobehonest:
<strong> Anxiety of telling him, fear of him being hurt and crying and be devastated forever, and fear of him not ever being with me as a lover, nor as a friend. Fear of him never trusting me again, fear of him thinking I'm not who he thought I was, which I am, it's the drug that made me do it...honestly! Fear that he thinks I don't love him, never did, and that when you cheat, you have already left the relationship, which I haven't. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Or perhaps it's the fear of feeling guilty when he cries or is upset at your infidelity. Perhaps it's the fear that he will find you unworthy and that you will agree with him. Perhaps it's the fear of realizing you aren't who you thought you were, instead you're someone who can and does cause others great pain or the fear that you are a drug addict. Perhaps it is the fear that you will end up alone.

I say the above only because all your fears seem to center on his reactions verus your own feelings. You need to dig deeper. Why are you afraid of those reactions from him?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by iwanttobehonest:
<strong>
I just failed, made a mistake and want to be forgiven, just as I am such a forgiver of people's mistakes. I feel that if he cheated on me, I would eventually forgive and forget, but I'm not like other people out there in the world. I am a forgiving person. Maybe that's why I didn't show enough empathy to not make this mistake cause I feel he would have forgiven me, or that I wouldn't have to tell him. I don't know. I don't know what my brain is thinking. Should I seek counseling before making this move?

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you feel that because you are a forgiving person that it outweighs any harm you may do to another person? That because you are 'not like other people in the world' that it gives special dispensation to hurt other people without consequences? Do you believe you deserve forgiveness? What does forgiveness mean to you? How does a forgiving person act?

April

Or perhaps it's the fear of feeling guilty when he cries or is upset at your infidelity. YES

Perhaps it's the fear that he will find you unworthy and that you will agree with him. YES

Perhaps it's the fear of realizing you aren't who you thought you were, instead you're someone who can and does cause others great pain or the fear that you are a drug addict. Perhaps it is the fear that you will end up alone.
YES, YES AND YES

I say the above only because all your fears seem to center on his reactions verus your own feelings. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THAT WAY, WORRIED ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE AND PUT THEM FIRST BEFORE MYSELF.

You need to dig deeper. Why are you afraid of those reactions from him? CAUSE HE DOESN'T DESERVE TO BE HURT LIKE THIS. AND I KNOW HE LOVES ME AND WANTS TO BE WITH ME.

Do you feel that because you are a forgiving person that it outweighs any harm you may do to another person? NO, BUT MAYBE SOMEWHAT

That because you are 'not like other people in the world' that it gives special dispensation to hurt other people without consequences? NO.

Do you believe you deserve forgiveness? YES

What does forgiveness mean to you? UNDERSTANDING THAT I HAVE MENTAL PROBLEMS AND A BAD PAST THAT CAUSES ME TO ACT THIS WAY.

How does a forgiving person act? TALKING AND COMMUNICATING A LOT.

I HAVE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO FACE MY FEARS AND THAT'S PROBABLY WHY HAVE NEVER GROWN MENTALLY OR SPIRITUALLY. I HAVE HAD PARENTS WHO HAVE ALWAYS FIXED MY PROBLEMS, AND PUT A BANDAID ON EVERYTHING AND RESCUE ME FROM STUFF. MAYBE THAT'S WHY I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LIVE INDEPENDENTLY AND MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS. ALL I KNOW IS I LOVE HIM SO MUCH AND HAD NO REASON TO DO THIS TO HIM BECAUSE I AM PHYSICALLY, MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY SATISIFIED IN THIS RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM. I WANT TO SEEK HELP FROM A PROFESSIONAL TO FIND OUT WHY I DID THIS BEFORE CONFESSING TO MY BOYFRIEND. IS THAT SO DAMN WRONG???

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> SAD AND SCARED AND I DON'T KNOW WHY EVERYONE IS SO GUNGHO ON TELL HIM THE TRUTH, TELL HIM NOW.. WHY CAN'T I TELL HIM AFTER I SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP TO FIND OUT WHY I DID IT, AND TELL HIM WHEN I'M MENTALLY READY. IT'S BETTER TO DO THIS, THAN NOT TELL HIM AT ALL ISN'T IT?

Is he your boyfriend or your spouse? I've seen you refer to him both ways.

If he's your boyfriend, you simply cool the relationship while you work out your issues.

If he's your H, you tell him ASAP, because delay will add to his hurt when you do. Many BS consider the time elapsed between the A and d-day to be "lost time - a living lie". The longer that time is, the more hurt he will be.

Low

He is my boyfriend.

Why is the longer the time, the more hurt he will be?

Why is the longer the time, the more hurt he will be?
Because you are lying to him (lying by ommision) every time you see him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by iwanttobehonest:
<strong>
I say the above only because all your fears seem to center on his reactions verus your own feelings. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THAT WAY, WORRIED ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE AND PUT THEM FIRST BEFORE MYSELF. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, you don't. You center on his reactions so you don't have to look at yourself. This makes it easier for you to put yourself first while maintaining the fantasy that you put other people first.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by iwanttobehonest:
<strong>

You need to dig deeper. Why are you afraid of those reactions from him? CAUSE HE DOESN'T DESERVE TO BE HURT LIKE THIS. AND I KNOW HE LOVES ME AND WANTS TO BE WITH ME. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not deep enough. You are not afraid of telling him because he doesn't deserve to be hurt. You are not afraid of telling him because he loves you and wants to be with you.

Go through the scenario in your mind. You sit him down and say "BF, I made a mistake last weekend. I took a hit of cocaine with X. While we were high we took off our clothes and watched porn while I masturbated. I'm very sorry I did this and realize I need help with my addiction. I made an appointment with a counselor at X time."

What happens next?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by iwanttobehonest:
<strong>
Do you feel that because you are a forgiving person that it outweighs any harm you may do to another person? NO, BUT MAYBE SOMEWHAT </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You need to explore this further.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by iwanttobehonest:
<strong>

What does forgiveness mean to you? UNDERSTANDING THAT I HAVE MENTAL PROBLEMS AND A BAD PAST THAT CAUSES ME TO ACT THIS WAY. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you believe your mental problems and bad past should automatically engender forgiveness if you do something to hurt someone else? Do you believe you have any control over your behaviour? Do you believe you deserve unconditional forgiveness? Even if you don't take the steps necessary to improve yourself?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by iwanttobehonest:
<strong>

How does a forgiving person act? TALKING AND COMMUNICATING A LOT. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What if the forgiving person says things the offender does not like? If the forgiving person is willing to communicate as much as you like but is not willing to continue the old relationship, do you still feel he's being forgiving?

April

I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THAT WAY, WORRIED ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE AND PUT THEM FIRST BEFORE MYSELF. [/qb][/QUOTE]No, you don't. You center on his reactions so you don't have to look at yourself. This makes it easier for you to put yourself first while maintaining the fantasy that you put other people first. I AM PUTTING HIM FIRST THOUGH, I DON'T WANT TO HURT HIM. YES I'M BEING SELFISH AND DONT' WANT HIM TO LEAVE ME OR NOT TRUST ME AGAIN...BUT I DON'T WANT TO TELL HIM CAUSE I DON'T WANT TO HURT HIM. HOW IS THAT MAKING ME NOT LOOK AT MYSELF? BY TELLING HIM, I AM LOOKING AT MYSELF. BY NOT TELLING HIM, I AM LOOKING AT MYSELF, BUT STAYING ISOLATED IN IT.

You are not afraid of telling him because he doesn't deserve to be hurt. YES I AM.

You are not afraid of telling him because he loves you and wants to be with you. YES I AM.

Go through the scenario in your mind. You sit him down and say "BF, I made a mistake last weekend. I took a hit of cocaine with X. While we were high we took off our clothes and watched porn while I masturbated. I'm very sorry I did this and realize I need help with my addiction. I made an appointment with a counselor at X time." I HAVE GOTTEN HELP OVER AND OVER AND HE'S JUST NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THAT I WILL SEEK HELP I GUESS ?

What happens next? I DON'T KNOW. WHAT?

NO NOT THAT BECAUSE I'M A FORGIVING PERSON, THAT OTHERS DESERVE TO BE TREATED BADLY, BUT THAT THEY SHOULD BE FORGIVING LIKE I AM.

Do you believe your mental problems and bad past should automatically engender forgiveness if you do something to hurt someone else? SOMEWHAT.

Do you believe you have any control over your behaviour? YES SOMEWHAT

Do you believe you deserve unconditional forgiveness? YES

Even if you don't take the steps necessary to improve yourself? NO.

What if the forgiving person says things the offender does not like? THEN TOO BAD, I DESERVE IT.

If the forgiving person is willing to communicate as much as you like but is not willing to continue the old relationship, do you still feel he's being forgiving? NOT SURE. NOT REALLY BECAUSE LOVE IS UNCONDITIONAL AND WE'RE ALL HUMAN AND WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES.

So to preserve a temporary solution to his problem and to keep Jennifer from experiencing intense emotional pain, he felt that dishonesty was justified. IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE A TEMPORARY SOLUTION...AS LONG AS YOU DON'T DO IT AGAIN AND REMAIN FAITHFUL AS I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN. WHY IS IT THAT NOBODY UNDERSTANDS THIS - THAT NOT WANTING TO HURT SOMEONE IS THE REASON OF NOT TELLING THE TRUTH?

WHY IS IT THAT NOBODY UNDERSTANDS THIS - THAT NOT WANTING TO HURT SOMEONE IS THE REASON OF NOT TELLING THE TRUTH?

we all realize you are very scared...
that part we understand.....

but as a child of God...your boyfriend has the right to know the truth of your actions....

he has the right to make an informed decision as to what he wants to do with the information....

love is not holding captive or being held captive...

there are a lot of red flags in your thinking process..

Do you believe you have any control over your behaviour?
you answered...

YES SOMEWHAT

yikes...
you should work on that thought process...

ark

Do you believe you have any control over your behaviour? you answered...yES SOMEWHAT

yikes... you should work on that thought process...

WHY? HOW? ON WHAT? I SHOULD HAVE JUST SAID YES?? EXPLAIN PLEASE

You need to be honest with your boyfriend. For a couple of different reasons. First of all in my experience the truth always comes out!!! Second the truth will set you free! If you keep this in the guilt will just eat at you and you will not be able to give all to your BF that you can. If you are open with him and get some IC to fix yourself than you may have a chance. If you wait and it comes out from someone else, than he may think that your whole relationship has been based on a lie. You need to come clean, ask his forgiveness and give him your plan of action to fix it!
good luck

The truth will eat at me. The truth will eventually come out cause I won't be able to take it anymore or I will end up destructing the relationship somehow so that he would leave me cause of my guilt. NO one else would tell him cause only the guy knows and he would never tell I know for sure. But you are probably right, honesty is what he deserves, I just don't know how to go about it, and I don't want things to change between us. But those are the consequences I have to face for my mistake because he deserves to have the best in life, and know the truth and make his own decisions.

I don't want things to change between us.
Too late for that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

IWTBH:

YOu have gotten a lot of very good advice on this thread.And, I do not want you to feel as though I am being judgemental here.

Briefly, my xFWW had three affairs during the course of our almost fifteem year marriage. She never went to IC or MC with me. And I realize now that I was in withdrawl during the course of our entire marriage,,save the first three years.

We were always best friends...and lovers..and parents...and generally communicated effectively on most but not all issues.Communication is not enough. Honest communication is more than enough. Even if it's a horrible truth.

Somehow...we managed to keep it together despite some very serious issues...and her binge drinking.
Mostly for the kids.

But...she was never really honest with me...her actions spoke louder than her words.. I buried my self in the lives of my children...and my work..to conceal my pain. My X had issues in her previous marriage too...she cheated on her first husband as well. And she had drinking issues way back then..pre-me.

My point is this...I now feel not only cheated on...but just plain cheated. I am not bitter. I just feel foolish, For not seeing the red flags for what they were.

Would I have not married her if I had known in advance? I will never know the answer to that. But our courtship might have gone on longer or I may have broken up with her entirely.

Please realize that not only did you cheat your BF..but you cheated yourself now too. Thats why you probably feel such incredible guilt and pain.

Here's the good news. You are human. YOu made a mistake. And now you want to fix it. But...you have to want to fix it. If you really want to live the life of real life and love..and you really care for your BF...you must tell him.

And..be prepared to prove to him everyday those very things you tell us here that are so ggod about your pairing.

Remember: Thoughts become actions..actions become habits..habits become deeds...deeds become your legacy.

What do you want the legacy of your life to be ?

I do wish you success here... I think you really want to do the right thing.