Has anyone had any experiences with false recovery?

ww recommitted to m on 10/3 things were progressing unitl 10/20 then it seems that she changed. less affectionette....etc...pulling away....

Recently found evidence that points to contiued contact.

How do i handle this? Do i confront her? She seems to be a classic cake eater. She has learned well to cover-up.

do i just jump back to plan A? Do we go to plan B? or should i just pull out all the stops and go for Plan D?

I dont know if i want this M anymore. this is her 2nd A and it seems like all the lies have just never stopped.

This is making me sick

<small>[ November 07, 2004, 07:31 AM: Message edited by: Just a Husband ]</small>

Get irrefutable proof...

Then, when you can prove continuing contact, do a wider exposure.

THAT is Plan A.

Until time of exposure, do not confront your W with your suspicions. You could be incorrect! Acquire proof first, then you can expose as part of plan A.

Pep

After our DD, FWW continued to work with her OM. Nothing ever got better. We would fight continually until she quit her job whcih was 3 months after DD. Recovery never starts untill the affair and complete contact ends.

Exposure of the Affair and the threat of more worked the best for me. Humiliating, by exposure, is your best friend untill the affair is disrupted. I was planning on telling her co-workers and boss at her job and my FWW was afraid of that. She didn't really believe me untill I told a number of family members and others about her affair. It was then she knew I was serious about telling her co-workers. She wanted to keep her Christian image up that she portrayed at work. She finally quit her job, she kept her reputation, she quit seeing the OM, and our life has resumed back to a much more normal state. It does take months of pain and suffering and much turmoil to get back to some normalcy.

Always confront her when you are suspicious. Do not enable her by keeping the secret a secret.

TooSoon

<small>[ November 07, 2004, 10:02 AM: Message edited by: TooSoonToBeComfortable ]</small>

I am the queen of false recoveries...I agree with Pepperband. Get your proof first. She will deny everything, unless you have proof. When my FWH was still in contact, I had proof. I would ask him if he had talked to her and he would deny it...then he would say, OK, I've talked to her, but not that much. He didn't know that I knew he talked to her 10 - 20 times a day and that is not that much <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Do not tell your wife how you know! She will only find other ways around it. My FWH used the pay phone! Used his office phone. Anything but the cell phone. Dont let on HOW you know about the contact! She will get madder than HE11, why? because YOU are ruining HER fun! She is getting caught!

Then once you confront her, keep tabs on it. Then stay in Plan A as long as you can handle it. Once the LBing gets too extreme and you can no longer handle it in a good manner, it is time to go to Plan B.

hang in there!

Yes, I hired companies to cross reference license plates, I had insurance searches done, and I monitored cell phone bills, etc. I caught her with all the proof I needed and with no way for her to deny it. Even after DD, my FWW's OM got so bold he even showed up at our MC's parking lot to let my wife and I see him. That was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. I told her to make a decision once and for all, him or I. She gave her 2 week notice the next work day. That is when the depression set in and withdrawal bagan but there is no escaping that. She loved the OM and you just can't turn it off in a day.

You can get through it though. Love, years of marriage, children, deaths, and memories was NOT enough to end the affair during the fog. It was Exposure, Exposure, Exposure, that worked for me. It disrupts the fantasy and brings reality to their secret love affair putting you back on a level playing field with the OP.

Good luck.

TooSoon

SO it seems that the clock rolls back and we get a new DD and the crap starts all over again....

This isnt what i signed up for. I am a better person than this and deserve happiness just as much as the next person. I dont deserve to be treated with disrespect and my children dont deserve it either.

Dear Just a Husband,

I'm so sorry you have to go through this again.

I can relate to you and your W having lost a son myself. I don't know if your W had her A's after losing her child, or before and afterwards. But I do get from what you said in your posts that it seems that your W has a big problem. I usually call it the "hole in the soul". It just seems that some people have this hole in their emotional system. All the love just falls through and they feel empty, no matter how many good and loving people surround them. They try to fill that hole with the kick of a new relationship, or they drink, or do drugs, or just work really hard, all to forget this emptiness inside for a while. Losing a child isn't making this feeling any better of course.

I'm sure you know by now that an A is like any other addiction. That is has nothing to do with "love". Your W probably doesn't realise this.

She needs help, help to understand this hole in her soul and to fix it. Or, IMHO, she'll keep doing these self-destructive things. A real good therapist CAN help her if she wants to.

I think you still really love your W. But you're right in being cautious so you'll not get hurt anymore. And I'm also quite sure any prolonged contact with OM or yet another A will undermine your M and your W's self respect more and more.

So I do think you should confront her, unless you have reason to believe the A is dying and you're willing to just wait until it does (guess not).

I don't think going straight to plan "D" would be advisable. Has your W ever really realised she will lose you if she doesn't change her ways? I think a good plan B might make her realise that and give you room to breathe. If doing plan A all this time has made her a cake eater... if there is no dramatic change after confronting her.. If she doesn't want to go into counseling.. it's time for plan B. At least, that's what I would do. I wouldn't want to keep living with an addict who refuses to take steps to cut the habit, even though I know those steps will be painful.

thanks

We are in MC together