Why not go to a few sessions with a counsellor with your H.

Firstly, the abuse needs to be dealt with. It's all fine and dandy to say, "I won't do it again," but it's my understanding that they all say that. Has he sought any counselling in regards to that? Or an anger management class? Or is he just saying that?

Secondly, you cannot hope to recover or heal as long as you carry the baggage of his affair around with you. That isn't to say you can't work on it, but until you let it go, it will be with you.

As for your question about why can't you forgive him? Is it possible that's because you haven't decided to? Is it possible that your resentment and bitterness over the affair is attached to the abuse? Or something else?

Them's my 2 cents.

dewt

Your H's affair was with a male co-worker?

You say your H had an OM... other man.

Is this correct?

What were the circumstances of the assault in December ... exactly how did it happen?

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Faithful Elisabeth:
<strong> dewt: he won't admit he has a problem with anger. He just says it was always an "accident."
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Er... uh... an 'accident'? That raises some warning flags. What kind of 'abuse' are we talking about? Did he trip on the rug and hit you when he fell? That would be an accident. These words scare me.

What do you think? Does he have a problem with anger management? I know lots of alcoholics who claim they have no problem with alcohol. Not knowing him, I can't make this call... you can though.

And I'm not sure what you mean by 'an ace in the hole'. Or trying to 'one up' him. Also, you say you love him and would like to try to salvage your marriage. I don't see where the revenge issue comes in there.

dewt

I gotta be quick, cause I do have to work in the morning, but I gotta post this (at least) before I go...

First off. He says he doesn't have a problem, yet gets kicked out of two sessions (for people with these issues). No counselling in the world is going to help someone who won't even admit he/she has a problem. As much as I'm big on the pro-marriage thing, going back to an almost guaranteed abusive situation is not something I'd advise. Considering that there is a child involved, I'd seriously think about not pursuing this any further until he is ready to grow up and accept some responsibility for himself.

You said this: "He seems to like to put me down (or my family, what's left of it), with ridicule - I always have his failure of having an affair to throw back at him to compensate. If I let this go, then I have nothing to defend myself with."

See, there's part of your issue. Throwing something back at him doesn't compensate, it escalates. It's not defense in any sense of the word. It's retaliation. Which also escalates.

A true defense would be to decide that his words will no longer hurt you. That he no longer has any power over you or your feelings. I'm not talking about faking it or being flippant back to him, I'm talking about the ability to ignore it. The ability to not 'play the game' or get sucked into it in any way.

Anyway, I gotta go. I'll check in tomorrow.

dewt

FE,
I think some of us BSs won't forgive until we "hit bottom" ie like an alcoholic getting to the point where they finally realise that they may lose everything if there is one more episode.

Forgiveness is a decision, however it does get complicated by baggage.

Sounds like your M still has baggage. What caused the assault? Alcohol?

Have you developed your conflict resolution skills?

cwmac

<small>[ June 01, 2004, 12:24 AM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

Sometimes, though, other things do the same to him and he takes his anger out on me or my son by being short tempered and uses foul language. I cannot claim to be a saint in all of this. I keep thinking if I could get better at it, I could learn to diffuse his anger. But then, when we are together I just don't want to. I just want to get away from him.

I don't really have any advice, but just wanted you to know I do understand how you feel. My WH is an alcoholic, so some of his temper comes from that, but even during the two years prior to his A when he was dry, he still had a major anger problem and nearly every sentence out of his mouth to the kids or I had a "tone" to it and was interspersed with the "F" word and others.

I hate it. I've asked him to to watch his language and try and control his anger. He normally just got more angry and antagonistic when I'd ask, and accuse me of trying to make him into something he's not (which, I guess, is true).

I've never been hit, but in years past I have been choked and once had my head rammed backward through the sheetrock which left a lovely head/neck indentation. Granted, I know how to "push his buttons", too, and admit that rather than just walk away, often if I feel I'm right, I've had to have the last word.

My WH hasn't filed for D and probably never will. I know God hates D. My WH is still involved in his A as far as I know, though I think it's burning out.

I, like you, are struggling with what to do. On one hand, I care deeply about his future. I don't want anything bad to happen to him. I want him to be successful in life.

But on the other hand, I'm not sure I want him back even if he wants to come back. Off and on for years I've been made the butt of jokes. I've had him "joke" about "getting a little" somewhere else if he's ticked at me. He puts everyone down. He thinks the world is out to get him. He's angry all the time. I don't know if I want to go back to that--and have to deal with the recovery from a long A on top of it. I'm not sure I'll ever trust him when he's out late at night.

And as for bring up his A, I've been through this with him before. He had an almost-2-year A 12 years ago. And it tended to come up every time we'd have a bad fight. It became less and less, but would I was known for still spewing some really hurtful things about his first OW and him if we had an ugly fight. Lack of mouth control on my part and wanting to strike back and hurt the person who was hurting me.

So, no advice. But I know the dilemma. Maybe not quite the same as yours, but I understand not being sure you want to trade your self-respect and sanity to a M you made a commitment to.

LL

FE & LL.

Both of your posts were filled with references that tells me both of your Hs may be suffering from depression.

Someone posted a great list of how men and women show their depression in different ways. It was related to mid-life crises but applies here too.

-a question of his authority as to decision making

-alcoholic

-accuse me of trying to make him into something he's not

-demeaning to others

just a few signs. Wish I could find the link to the mid-life depression page

cwmac

FE, I understand your dilema. Do you have children?
Part of the problem is that you know him and you have seen in his previous behavior that he says he "will change", but probably that change has never happened.
In my opinion, maybe others can correct me, peple who cheat on their spouses tend to be insecure, controling, jealous, and to certain degrees, abusive. In many cases, their behavior has been patterned since early life experiences and they themselves have been the victims of abuse that has made them insecure. One of the big problems is that they never recognize or accept their flaws. They tend to be defensive.
Do you think he will change? Has he in the past ever say to you that he would change something about himself that bothers you and has he done it?

<small>[ June 01, 2004, 03:31 PM: Message edited by: Why-me? ]</small>

Faithful E,
I am sorry you have not been able to forgive your H for his A. I read through your responses and it seems to me there is very deep seated anger on both sides of this M. There is a book called Safe Haven Marriage that claims that without an emotional attachment, marrital conflict and behavioral changes are not going to restore a marriage. I get the impression that there is little or no emotional attachment in your M.

You said he has changed and it sounds like he is trying to do his part to recover the M. Anger and violence have no place in M and yes that needs to change. I did not see in your reply any of your changes as a result of this A. Have you ever felt close to your H? Have you ever trusted him with your thoughts or feelings? Does he trust you in any way? I am not trying to pin blame on anyone, but there is usually a reason for failure to forgive. Forgiveness is not just a spiritual matter. It comes from the heart.

How can you ever make your marriage a safe haven for both of you. It sounds like he wants to...why don't you? How much of his anger is a result of yours? How much of your anger is a result of how he treated you. For him, there is a book called Every woman's Desire by the same authors of Every Man's Battle. That book will help him see how he has wounded you in the past.

I also caution you on divorce in the aspect of reconciliation. You will carry the problems of this M to the next one. Also, continue to come here and post. There are wonderful people here who truly want your M to heal. They will give you the resolve to give the M a chance. But I will be honest, if you can't forgive and forget, you M has no chance and the bitterness in your heart will continue to plague you.

I ask you to give the book a chance because I believe it fits your situation. You talked about faith. The authors are Christians and they were on Dobson's show. Take a look at Ephesians 4:32. Read it over and over. Then look at Ephesians 5:1-2 and see God's prescription for relationships. He wants us to literally walk in love. Please give this a real try for yourself and your walk. If you seek to forgive, God will show you how. Romans 12 also talks about what God wants from us and relationships. God wants your M to work.

I really hope this helps you and your H.
Christ's Love,
Roman121

Until WH gets a handle on his anger problem, I would not reconcile. You need to work on you, and he needs to work on him.

I see you taking too much blame for his abuse. That is typical with victims of domestic abuse. And almost all abusers deny they have a problem.

So stick with us, until you get to a healthier place. Then you can make decisions about the future.

Praising the Lord? That's good and all, but let me tell you my view on that...

I'm not saying I don't believe 100% at all, but I have tried praying for all kinds of things from God. I prayed my grandfather would recover from the hospital. He never did. I prayed that an infection in one of my beloved pets would be healed by our vet that takes such good care of him. Didn't work. I ask him to help me forgive my wife for what she did a year ago and get on with life. Still nothing. I just ask where this God is that everyone talks about. SO far I haven't felt his presence nor have ANY of my simple prayers been answered. Who the heck am I praying to? I ask you how you FOUND God, because I can't find him and I don't even know if he's watching over me because things aren't happening the way I hope things would and I have even asked my friend whose gone to church for 20 something years and asked him how he found God and does he feel his presence. I think he was a little taken back by that as he told me he never really found him nor had felt his presence, but he prays. I just think that's wierd.

Anyway I always think that if you want something happen you gotta rely on yourself. I don't know if anyone's watching over me and reassruing me of anything. I think I'm quite on my own. I'm glad I'm not religious. I don't know what to make of all this God stuff. Who has actually FOUND him and does he/she talk to you and how? I HAVE NOT FOUND GOD AS MUCH AS I HAVE TRIED. 26 years I'm not sure if I believe... It's sad, but true. I wish I could get some sort of sign that everything's going to be okay. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />