Hi-

I just registered. Found you while doing a search on alcholism.

If this is the wrong place to post, please let me know. I do not want to offend.

SO since last fall. I wanted no committment in order to avoid being hurt. Was very clear I could live w/a purely physical relationship. He rejected that and counter offered more. I thought about it for awhile, got to know him, decided to try (despite intense fear). Was honest w/him at all times.

MONTHS later, we have yet to have a physical relationship and we have fights if I even bring up the subject of how much he drinks. I pointed out that our relationship consists of him telling me every week how much he and his roommate (his best friend since kindergarten) drank all week-end.

We RARELY go out. When we do, the roommate always calls mid evening to ask when he's coming home.

He has an allegiance to the roommate that makes no sense to me, seeing as how the roommate slept w/his former girlfriend (he refuses to forgive the girl, but swears he forgave the roommate b/c he apologized).

We had a huge fight this week-end, w/him yelling at me over the phone and when I would call back trying to have a rational conversation, him yelling some more. The roommate has now told him that I'm crazy and I am beginning to think I am.

My SO is off to boot camp (as I type) for a month...the roommate joined the Navy, so hey, why don't we all do this?!

Anyway, after the fight, I got the impression all day Tuesday that he hated me, then he shows up at a pub we frequent that night (I'm there w/a girlfriend who told him he should have a drink w/us before leaving). He insisted at the end of the night on walking us to the car and kissing me goodbye as if we were so in love...when only two hours before he told me that I was harassing him and annoying him, etc, etc, etc.

I am at a loss. I love him (cliche, but true). But I have lost my sanity. (Note that I spent years in therapy and felt "whole and healthy" when I met him.

I am so angry at him. I did NOT want a relationship b/c of all the drama that comes w/one and I TOLD him this. Then he promises me he won't hurt me, I give into having a relationship, fall in love, and he's unavailable.

I am so sorry for this long post and the anger that I know comes through.

Any advice would be appreciated. Be as HONEST as you need to be.

Thank You.

JAG,
Let me guess this guy is somewhere in the region of 18 to 25 years old.

Some guys aren't ready to commit at this age and some are never ready. Some are never ready but get married and then their wife end up at MB feeling insane.

Of course thereare also women like this but you asked about your boy friend.

cwmac

cwmac

Thank you for answering. Actually, he is 33, 34 this fall. I am 36.

He is the oldest of 5 in an Italian family. The father is a HUGE success, so are the siblings, he, on the other hand has told me that he grew up w/out love and he's the "failure" in the family (b/c he only went to h.s, not college).

WHO CARES?

I finished law school and while I am happy to have gone, it doesn't mean anything to me in terms of "intelligence". Heck, I can't pass the bar to save my life.

I have told him that he is one of the most intriguing, fascinating men I have ever met. But loving him does not seem to be enough.

And I will admit, this is not all him. I am now cake walk. But I was clear, given the therapy I have had re:what I feared. Being left, cheated on, hit, etc (past relationships).

When I clearly said I could simply sleep w/him, no committment necessary, I meant it. I was dating (no sex) a couple of guys when he and I met. I GAVE up those guys b/c my SO wanted exclusivity. But I am frustrated, physically and emotionally. And I cannot handle being the witch one day and someone he cares for the next.

And frankly, I HATE his roommate. When he told me the roommate thought I was nuts, I exploded (yes, I know, wrong reaction). I told him that any "best' friend who sleeps w/his friends girl, ex or not, could not judge me at all.

I am so sorry. I am just angry, and hurt. I do not mean to take out my feelings on anyone on this board.

He's probably not the right man for you...

and you can leave with your dignity if you choose.

Pep

JAG,
We all have "personal issues" but you sound like a true catch compared to your BF.

Based upon his age and...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> we have fights if I even bring up the subject of how much he drinks. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> he, on the other hand has told me that he grew up w/out love and he's the "failure" in the family (b/c he only went to h.s, not college).
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'd seriosly reconsider. Your single you haven't taken any vows yet. Your BF needs alot of personal work and it sounds as though he's not ready to work on himself.

I hate to even ask this question but tell me about your parents and childhood. Do you have rejection issues? or abandonment issues?

Again sorry if that's too personal. Just trying to help,

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

cwmac

Pepperband

Thank You. I know you are right. The problem? The dumbest thing in the world I could do? We work for the same company. But, I was under the illusion that b/c we were both older and talked, I thought honestly, about what we did/did not want, that this would work (it took me a loooong time to drop the other two guys and give up the fear).

So, in my stupid, warped mind, I think that making this work will prove that I didn't make the wrong choice.

And I really hate to say it, but when we are together and he's not drinking and his idiot friend stays away (lot of clauses, huh?).

I know it has to end. If I am honest it never really started.

Thank you all so much for letting me vent. This is painful.

BTW, it sounds like he has anger issues besides being non-commital.

Being married to an alcoholic or someone who abuses alcohol is noooo fun. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

cwmac

.

So, in my stupid, warped mind, I think that making this work will prove that I didn't make the wrong choice.

LOL

Soooooo

in order to be "right"

you'll live UNhappily ever after with the wrong man...

Yes... all that therapy has certainly paid off!

LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Can't you get a refund???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Pep

cwmac

You are right. He is angry. Boot camp starts in 3 days, but his brother's wedding is first (Saturday)...well, the brother slept w/one of his ex girlfriends, bought her a car, etc.

Mom calls him Tuesday asking him not to drink too much at the wedding and to not say anything mean.

He lives two hours from his family b/c he can't tolerate them that much.

I have tried to tell him that he needs to let them know why he's angry and then he needs to MOVE on.

He can't even SPEAK to the brother (but the entire family is at the wedding, so he "has" to be there), but the cheating friend is the best thing since sliced bread.

I told him that IMO, he latched on to this friend as a drinking buddy and is willing to forgive him anything b/c he feels "familyless". I also told him that no friend would screw a former, current, or possibly future lover and one that did was not to be trusted. Of course, that lost me major points b/c this friend is "untouchable".

I know I am snowballing here, but darn it. I am so darn mad. And I think I am maddest at myself.

Sometimes, the things we most wish for, are not to be touched. Stupid me forgot that.

Pepperband

You ain't said, nothing but a thing!

Refund, I am so ready to sue myself for utter stupidity...sheesh.

Thanks for making me laugh out loud. Honestly. The first time I have done so in days...

Maybe I should see if my therapist would knock 50% off the price if I went back to fix what is obviously still broken!

Understand, however, that I feel a bit guilty. I have not been a "princess" to deal with. I can be short and to the point and judgmental (witness the comments about the best friend)...so, maybe I deserve this...

AAAAAAhHHH!

Right, get thee back to therapy...

I think you might be carrying the dreaded "attorney gene flaw"

just gotta "win"

Go take the bar... Not go TO the bar ... but pass the bar...

You have a good future winning cases that are UNwinable.

YOU have a great evening... gotta go spend time with my charming 15 year old daughter...

Pep

cwmac

You and Pepperbrand and anyone else here do not have to apologize for asking me anything. I came here and have been ranting since arrival. And honestly, all the posts are a BIG help.

Okay:

Me: 36, 37 in the fall. Looking back, think I had a really good childhood, but a lot of my extended family were alcoholics (great aunts, uncles, etc and I grew up w/them). Only child of my mom. My father, an alcoholic, former army mechanic, two tours in nam, has 4 other daughters. I found out about the one my age at 17 (means he REALLY cheated on mom) and had a break down. In and out of therapy until early 30s when I said enough (Pepperband...way too much money down the drain, could have gone around the world and back!). Actually thearpy was good. But I decided to pull back, go back to church, begin meditation, t'ai chi, etc. Have been happy, really balanced these past few years.

BUT, dad not being around was difficult. When he would come for visitation, he was often drunk and my mother would not let me go with him (she's sane at least). Resolved issues w/father a few years ago at a family funeral when I saw him (first time in 15 years). He was angry that I wouldn't call him daddy. I explained that I did NOT know him, and what I remembered was him telling my mother how he would go to jail before he paid child support and/or he would kill her first. Really made my peace with him BUT, all relationships have been "searching for daddy" and I found the son of a gun...emotional and physical abusers. But please know that again, I am NOT easy. Years of fear, depression can make a gal, well, kind of "*itchy".

Is the issue that I am feeling the bio clock ticking? No. History of female issues and more than likely can't have kids.

Is the issue that I want to be married? No. Too old and jaded for white lace and orange blossoms.

But I do like being in love and I do like hanging out.

I actually told this guy that I didn't even need to date him every WEEK, once a month of doing something together would be cool (mainly b/c I work full-time, just joined my volunteer resuce squad and have a 12 hour night shirt once a week, have meditation class once a week, horseback riding, etc...so fitting stuff in his difficult). BUT he's not willing to find time...unless, we go to the pub...then he's there.

Why do I want him? When he's just himself, to quote Rascal Flats, "I Melt". He has a killer smile and sense of humor similar to mine.

Whew.

Sorry. Hope that was an okay answer?

Pepperband

You are a hoot. And utterly charming.

Have a good evening, and thanks for the levity.

Life is too short for all the whining ain't it?

Cheers,

JAG

JAG,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I can be short and to the point and judgmental </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was going to insert an attorney joke but thought better of it.

I read a book recently that said that we pick our mates in two ways (combined):

1) We look for someone who completes our person. You are a hard charging attorney who is matter of fact so you're attracted to the goof off who has absolutely no responsibilities. Opposites do attract.

2) The second way is that we find someone who has qualities similar to our parents. The good, like qualities are the ones that attract us in the first place. Once the "honeymoon" wears off the negative/bad, like qualities drive us utterly insane.

What do they say about women not wanting to grow up and be like mom. Well one day you are going to wake up and realize that you are your mom bc you married your father. BF sounds just like your father.


I wish I knew all that I know now when I was single. Sheesh.

cwmac

<small>[ June 03, 2004, 08:52 PM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

JAG,
You may want to got to a meeting for spouses, relatives of alcoholics.

cwmac

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> MONTHS later, we have yet to have a physical relationship and we have fights if I even bring up the subject of how much he drinks. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We RARELY go out. When we do, the roommate always calls mid evening to ask when he's coming home. He has an allegiance to the roommate that makes no sense to me, seeing as how the roommate slept w/his former girlfriend (he refuses to forgive the girl, but swears he forgave the roommate b/c he apologized).</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes it sounds like he is definitely an alcoholic and the roommate is his trusted drinking buddy. Or he and the roommate are MORE than just drinking buddies! I say this because you say he has yet to take it to a physical level with you after all these months. Maybe he is bi-sexual? I hope I didn't offend you but I would question that. It seems to be on the rise lately and statistics say that men who live a SECRET LIFE look for older (not that you are OLD), successful women because they believe these types of women are desperate to have a relationship and find MR. RIGHT so they will blind themselves to certain things.
Just a thought.

trying2_4give

You did not offend me in the least. I appreciate the response.

I have thought about the sexual aspect. I have actually said to myself, what does this "friend" have on him.

I think anything is possible; but to be honest I think it's actually something else: he is so used to women screwing him over, that he feels he deserves it. I think he is REALLY angry at the roommate, but he's already on the outs w/his family. Who does he have if he and the roommate are on the outs? Nobody, b/c he's not capable of being on his own and he does not want/love me at all, at least not enough to trust.

But again, maybe the homosexual angle is possible.

I just know that I really hate him for getting me to fall in love (I thought the no sex was sweet...the first few months...you know, giving us time to "get to know one another").

Ah well, you would think I would be old enough to know better? But no, curses, foiled again!