A lot of things have passed through my mind lately.Right now I can't afford to loose my mind. I'm trying to control how I behave, and how I let myself people or situations affect me. I'ts a very hard lesson to learn and live, and sometimes I'm more successful than others.

I'm getting a lot of mixed signals from my H. He is being ok with the finances, he is going to counseling, he is trying to arrive home earlier, and do some different things. I see some effort, but not all of it.

On the other hand, he is still lying like ever. He told me he was going to Brazil, asked if I agreed on it. I did. He even did a kind of wild thing, that got me wondering... Did he did it for me? Or for OW?

This is how things happened:

We were to lunch on Tuesday, and he told me about the trip. I agreed on it. He left me at my job, and we had [at least I did] a kiss like long time ago I have not got.

So I wished him a good trip, and went to work hard [trying to acomplish new goals there]. What happened next was, that H called me the next day at work, where I don't got caller Id, hence couldn't know for sure from where he was calling, I did noticed the sound seemed, not long distance, and I pointed that out... He said he was going to call at night and give me the number of the hotel to call back. Guess what? That call never came... Next day, same thing happened, but this time, he told me he was arriving on thursday instead of friday. That maybe he was cutting up the trip.

At lunch I mentioned this to my mom, and she told me that it was weird such a long trip for so little time. H even made the act of calling me at work again telling me he was on Lima, waiting for the transfer here.

It was about 10:00 pm, when H arrived, and he arrived in a bad mood. He told me, that his laptop briefcase, got down on the taxi, and that 3 things got out. His electronic agenda, his external laptop hard drive, and his pouch, where he got his passport. I didn't knew to believe him or not, about this, but when I got into fix things now mode, meaning let's go and look for the taxi or make calls now and find that out, he got sort of angry at me. I just stood up, and left to the main room. He then went there, kind of misstified of my reaction. I stated, that I was not going to tolerate that type of behavior. He then started telling me how much h loved me, that with the persons he was, they only spoke portugueese, and how much he was enjoying talking to me this days. That granted, a lot of those talks have been mono-thematic, but he still missed those. He even, went ahead and made a good story about the hotel window he was staying, that looked like the window of one of the hotels we used to go as Bf and Gf, before marriage. That the hotel, was really cheap, and it didn't have phone at the room!!!! and thatwas why he couldn't call. Can you believe my H? But this gets better, cause I sort of thought that it was possible!. Some couple we are huh? He is the story teller, and I'm the kid who listen and "believes" them. Well, to some degree, I don't think that is bad, only if he would be using all that imagination, and effort, in working things out, we would have been better right?

Today, he called me again at work, and I had to go out, and pick up a document, but I called him back and we talked and talked over the phone, until I told him, that I needed proof of his trip. That since the passport, was not an option, then I needed a fax of where he was staying, emails fowarded from where it said he has to travel, etc. That it was weird, that not even his carry on suitcase, got a sticker from the flight. That I needed those for today not monday, or over 2 months like the std test results that I got with that delay, or the emails from his "working" saturday, that never arrived, or the credit card statements he used with OW, that never arrived either. Then he changed the strategy of the conversation, telling me, that I sounded angry. So I asked, what I was supposed to be. If I didn't asked for proof, I was stupid or dumb, and if I did, I was angry???

Then he agreed I was doing the right thing. That I should ask for it, and he was already in the works of sending me those emails. That it was a shame I couldn't trust his words. So we continued over the topic, and the conversation turned more "deep". He knew, I was not going to let this down, and finally he came clean. He told me, he hasn't been on Brazil at all, but that he was in a local Hotel. That he was alone, and needed time to think, and sort himself and things out. Now, I do realize he came clean, not because he wanted, but because I got him cornered, and I didn't gave him a way out of this one. If for something, kuddos for me, and the things I learned. My gut is right.

He then, proceeded and told me, that he finally realized how much he missed me, that he was falling in love with me again, that he was very nervous because of his resignation, that NOW he was ready to commit, and work on this. That he has realized, how much pain he has caused me, that he has been a selfish b@stard, that please give him this last chance, that this has not worked, because he wasn't commited and told him what he should do to work things out, and for him to feel better. I said, What do you want me to tell you? I can't tell you different than I been telling for all this time. You need to learn, read, post, go to Al-Anon, keep the counseling, look for a hobbie, look for fun things to do together. I'm sorry if you were expecting a different answer, but so far it has worked with me... [So I guess I couldn't give different than what I have not tried]. He kept telling me that I was right, but he didn't knew. I said, it will not come overnight, but over time, things would come, but he has to learn, and do.

After that, we had like 3 more conversations over the same, him telling me how selfish he has been, that he expected that the reaction on him quitting his job would have been one of real loss, not the ok go ahead like he did, that he realized how lost he was, and how much time he has lost over the important things that really matters in life, and that he was shattered. That please give him a last chance... At the beginning of the conversations, I stated, that my position was still the same [to save my M], but over time, and the more I think, I expressed different.

Now I think that:
Maybe my M can't be saved.
Gog knows, I have tried with all my spirit, mind and body to save it. I do know, that still I got unresolved issues, that are going to take more time to deal on. And I'm ok with it. I'm open to change them, but I do realize, this are hard long time issues with me, and if my flaw on this is that I have not speed up those, then so be it. Truthfully, I can't do them faster, and I'm trying. It is part of my recovery proccess, not an event.

Like I said, I know I have gave it all. I'm thinking on that post from Bramblerose, on if I wanted to be right or M. I guess I wanted to be M, regardless of anything. I do know, that my H as well of myself got many issues, some of them we can change, and some we will have to tolerate.

I don't know how we reached this point, but I want a different M, and I don't know if I love him anymore. I don't know if I got more patience for this. One side of me is like dead. I can't make the step to throw him away again, like there is anything to save still, and on the other hand, I know keeping like this is going to kill the rest of what good I got on me.

As soon as I typed that I realized how insane my spot sounded like. But I don't believe that even the ones that have lived this kind of nightmare can fully understand. Because each situation although the same, is different. One thing I do know. I'm tired.

Thank you if you read this far.

Matilde, I am so disppointed he is doing this, I don't even know what to say. I see you sitting there wanting so badly to believe him, but deep down you know its not true. You know it. Does he know you know? Would it even make a difference?

Mati,

No advice, as my brain isn't working right now. Just wanted to let you know that people care about you.

Dobie

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Oh Mattie! ((((((((((( M ))))))))))

I'm so sorry that your H is still playing his silly games.

I have to admit, reading your post brought me back to dealing with my H, during our early (albeit false) recovery. It's all a big reminder that we need to believe the ACTIONS and not the words, that our H's are telling us.

There's also nothing wrong with you taking a break for a few weeks, IMO.

I think you're now finding out about how recovery is so much harder than the initial pain of d-day and plan A. I think the difference is that our spouses now have to contribute into the M's, and with no control over their actions, it brings a LOT of uncertainty into the picture.

Luv ya!
Karen

{{{{{mattie}}}}}}

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

((((((Mattie Bella)))))

Echoing the words already said, i'm so sorry you've fallen into another valley in the recovery process. BUT, i see the Mattie strength, and i know you'll gather yourself and stand up and keep going.

You hold the cards, Mattie, and how you play them is up to you. You said you think that maybe your marriage can't be saved. Maybe it can't, but perhaps it can. Right now, you need to rely on your intelligence, your faith, AND your own self-respect and reliability in a lot of thinking and weighing of all that happened. Yes, you have tried with your entire being, and it is obvious in your post that you are willing to continue. Your H, however, must be willing to cooperate as much.

Of course you are tired...mentally, physically, and spiritually exhausted. This is an extremely tiring road we walk, but until I see the end...one end or the other...in sight, I'll keep walking and somehow I know you will, too, after you've rested awhile and recovered Mattie.

And, finally, yes, you are correct...although we each share the same problem...our individual situations make each a little different.

Take some time, dear Bella, for you.

Love,

Simmy

Thank you for your words ladies.

MelodyLane

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I see you sitting there wanting so badly to believe him, but deep down you know its not true. You know it. Does he know you know? Would it even make a difference?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes I know is not true, I don't know if he knows that I know, I think he only knows what he wants to know. Right now it makes no difference, and when it will be it's going to be too late.

Dobie, Nerly and Suz

Thank you my friends I know you care for me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . Prayers do wonders <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . Still need those.

Topie and Simmy Thank you ladies

I knew recovery was hard, didn't knew it was THIS hard LOL. But what makes it impossible for us, is H, or the way that he is acting about it. Really I'm trying, maybe I'm not doing good either who knows? But I just hope him to talk about it, and point me in the right direction, on some things that is happening, on others is not, so... at least on my side I'm trying, but not that hard anymore. At least I'm taking a break. Last 2 weeks were good in that much, I was going to have a heart attack or something because of my anxiety levels. Not anymore. At least for as much as I can control them.
This may be a bit selfish and not at all MB, but I know I did have my share on creating the climate for the A posible and all that, I have asumed that share, and made changes, changes that are going to stick with me, I have read, counseled, read some more, shared, looking for a spiritual life [got almost none before], trying to enjoy life and be grateful. But you see... my H had the A, and all he does is going to counseling, and to Al-Anon once in a while. He is not at the same learning speed I'm, and that is ok. But he is a doer, what he wants, he gets, and this kind of things mades me wonder if he wants recovery that hard. Maybe not? The thing is, that I'm not going to put as much effort into this [as I been doing], for as long as I don't see some hard working from him too. Sorry... Did I said I was tired? Well I'm!

As for update, last friday, I spent most of the time out of the office looking for a document, when I arrived it was 6pm, ppl were amazed cause I always go out at 5:30 pm, I don't ussully stay longer than my regular time. Anyway, I came with the document, and they invited me to have some beers downstairs. I said sure! [I knew H was waiting for me at home, but my mood was not the best to be with him, I just found out about the Brazil thing].

So I stayed, and out of the blue, this guy came to me [I don't ussully hang with guys here], just got a real good friend who is female, and ask me who are things doing? I said regarding? He said your M... I said not good how about yours? He said, but you are together again right? and I said yeah so what? [they all knew that when I came here I was separated, and now we are "together" again], so I said how about you? I knew he had problems too in his M, like public knowledge not because we have talked about it... And then he came and told me he just found out his W had an A over him... God you must have seen my face, like do I have an A counselor sign on my head or something?, Well this guy was shattered, I helped the best I could, and gave him a mini MB course. Hope he got it.
After that, we wnet downstairs, and the beers have arrived. There were 10 of us, and they started some music and started drinking and dancing. I just sat there and smoke. People offered me and I just said I do not drink, one of the gals even made a fun joke and told me that now I was going to tell her I was a recovering alcoholic, that I was going to say I was going to AA <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> hehehe, I said well maybe? you never know, and leave it like that. After a while, they went and got more beers, and I asked for 2 diet cokes. Of course it hit me hard, I mean the trip issue, and people drinking, but I stood my ground on all those issues and had a good time. At 10 pm I left, and today I was told they stayed until 3 am. Glad I left, cause I don't think I could have holded that much heheh I'm getting older, besides would be disrespectful with H to some degree. And I just wanted to have a bit os fun.

Weekend passed out, not too good, me being stuck on the same topic, and H kind of avoiding it. Also H made a pass at me, and I refused [not like me at all], I'm always the pursuer on that much. H saw my rejection and even made a comment in loud voice [not yelling at all] about that. Well I guess that my sex drive is kind of gone for now.

Not a good weekend at all, besides some bed covers H wanted and a minitripod for me, but the thing is that like I said, I don't see this getting any better unless H got some speed and effort, maybe harder.

Mattie,

No wisdom or anything here, but I wanted you to know you're in my thoughts and prayers. You're sounding hurt, strong, and "complete" - not a shell of a whimpering Mattie but a complete awesome woman.