What is the proof that your or your spouse is a former WS and is now faithful ? Think about this. Do you have words, deeds, behaviors? Do you have exposure, NC that is verifiable? Are you easily able to obtain answers, facts, current status of the things that show proof?

Cardinal,

Good question!

Just as various small elements add up to suggest a WS is unfaithful, likewise various small elements add up to indicate faithfulness.

Examples that come to mind are:

No longer angry/defensive
No longer finding fault with BS non-stop
Open about phone records
Open about finances
All time is accounted for
Access granted to email etc.
Remorseful

Thanks Turtlehead! That first one is a real clue and many recognize it after being in the understanding phase. And that last answer you gave is nothing but ESSENTIAL! When there is the sense that we are truly sorry and feel remorse about the A, then there is glue to make the M work, and most likely it can be better than it ever was before when you recongize remorse in the FWS.

And all of those things in between - disclosing all of the previously secret things, are becoming first nature....Yes, those are sure good signs of healing!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Cardinal,

I think the most important indicator of faithfulness is No Contact and a willingness on the WS part to keep NC with OP (not a WS who agrees with NC just to keep the BS happy and then feel angry/upset about it). Other things are:

· Total Openness & Honesty with the BS about everything.
· Remorse and repentance
· Take full responsibility for actions and making amends
· Committed to the BS and M
· Willing to work on M and fill ENs

This is the most important ones I could think off, but surely there is al lot to add to the list! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ June 08, 2004, 08:17 AM: Message edited by: Suzet ]</small>

cardinal

I think I do have pretty good "proof" that there was NO CONTACT right after d-d.

I am gratefull that I was able to experience what I would call "proof".

Let me tell you what happened.

D-d was on the 13 Jan.01. On that day my husband was not "capable" to work. I told all customers that called that my husband was in the hospital and it would take a few days until he would be able to work.

This message got over to OW. (I was not aware of this)

Anyways, 3 years after NO contact, OW tried to call my husband. Our reaction was to call OWH immediately.
He told us they were going through divorce and he wanted to talk to us about a few things. We agreed and he came over.

During this very "pleasant" (yes it really was pleasent) conversation OWH told us that his wife had joked about my husband. She said that my husband was all cracked up and that he was even put into the hospital because he was having such a difficult time.
OWH asked us if this was true???!!!

Due to the fact that I didn't remeber that anymore (hey I was in shock at that time) we both looked at OWH and said: Gosh, NO, where did OW pick that up from??????

So, this actually gave me closure. If there had been contact, I'm more than sure that she would of known that my husband never had been in the hospital. And due to the fact that she called my husbands "old" cell phone number (it's now mine) I know for sure that there is no contact. This really shocker her!!!!

My husband also wrote a statement, admitting that there had been a 3 month affair between him and OW. This means that OW will be divorced "Guilty". She will have No money, No car, No house. She will have to work for the first time after 10 years and she will get No support because that is the law of the country she married.

I don't think that she'd want contact with a man that has done a step like my husband. I think I have proof enough. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care
bb

Blondblossom, excellent! That is a great story and I agree that you have got perfect proof.

Seems that the A is more about power over your WS than it has thing one to do with love!

Thank-you for sharing that good story. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />