I think I am probably not the only one who wonders what it is like between my spouse and the ow sexually.

What do they do that is different from what we do, etc.

It is like there is someone else in our bed, and I have found myself wondering what it would be like in reality...

I think I am fogging.

Oh Shul,

PLEASE do not start a thread like this.Isn't it painful enough to wonder when we do,even though I try desperately not to.I have enough pain in my life than to start wondering about their adulterous bedroom gymnastics.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I never want to know what they did/do.It is disgusting to me because it is ADULTERY.


O

I'm sorry. I don't want to add to anyones pain.

I should have thought.

Oh please don't feel bad.I didn't mean to offend you but that's just my opinion,ok? I wish none of us had to deal with this <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

O

<small>[ June 08, 2004, 11:24 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Ignoring won't make it go away.
My imagination is probably way worse than reality. My shrink and I touch on this sometimes, its not an uncommon part of the rollercoaster.

Shul... I can talk to you about this if you need an ear...

My recovery is long/strong enough that these discussions do not trigger... I am OK with this or any subject.
So... anytime you need to ask a question ... I am willing.

Pep

Shul,

You are NOT the only one. I wondered the same things. You wouldn't believe some of the questions I asked H in the beginning. I wanted every detail. And I'm sure there are more BSes that wondered too. I think in most cases it can harm more than help to find out these things; it makes those mental pictures that much more vivid. H did answer my questions about it, and I chose to believe him, For me, it did make the mental pictures worse, but it also reassured me in a strange way because their encounters were sneaked quickies--nothing like our marathons. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

This topic may be really hard for people that haven't been on the roller coaster long (and probably some that have). Might be a good idea to put a warning in the title letting folks know it's about sex between the WS and OP.

What they did.....how about where they did it?? My FWH told me of 2 occasions where they had sex in her van (family vehicle) and in the guest room of her home (while her children were at bible camp). I was so disgusted with the thought of her children and husband being in the van/house with the smell of sex wafting.

These events are so off kilter of my husband's normal disposition that I know he was deifinitely in a fantasy and a fog with the OW.

Pep is right though......a tincture of time and relationship building does help make these thoughts more shallow and less meaningful.


I also know that our lovemaking far exceeds what they had....I make sure of it! My FWH has admitted that sex with her wasn't anything special.

OK. I'll play. There's one thing that any OP can offer that the BS can't: novelty. I don't mean some big, exciting, untried sexual positions, I mean just a different person. New relationships ARE exciting. Don't you remember? Long-term marriages are not designed to compete with that high. They shouldn't have to. "Highs" get replaced with loyalty, the deepening of long-term love, etc.

In an A, the excitement is high, forbidden fruit tasty, the surreptitiousness of it all adventuresome -- and kids, bills, exhausted spouses far away. OPs don't have headaches, don't get grumpy, don't prefer to tinker with the cars versus being with you. And even when they do -- it's part of the novelty.

But there's one thing the OLD relationship can offer that the new one can't: acceptance. The fact that you accept them when they've put on five pounds, or are going bald, or unshaven, or simply bad-tempered.

Unfortunately I'm in the quicksand of thinking about my W & OM together. Even though it was only a few days they were together in PA, it was months of EA leading up to that also. Try as I may to get past it, "it" keeps jumping in front of me. This has been a blow to me like I never had before. I love her dearly and want to get back on track. It's just not that easy. When thoughts of what has happened come to mind, it slaps me all over again. I pray for strength and guidance and hope for the future. I wish W were more open to talk about A with me. I feel like I am still searching for answers to help me through this. Maybe she doesn't think she has answers I need. I don't know. Patience in all of this is a key. Don't rush it. I won't. Thanks for this thread. Peace, hope and love.

I have been praying that when he is with her, he will not have any peace, also that he will see her as fat ,repulsive , grasping , <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> dirty ,sweaty, stinky, lazy, coarse and pathetic.

I am also praying that the sound of her voice will grate, that her slovenly ways will annoy him, and that he will not have any needs met. That he will begin to see her as an interloper who is a threat to his wellbeing for her own selfish reasons, and has no regard for the consequences to him or his family.

It is working. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I honestly don't think it is what they sexually DO as much as the ego stroking out of bed which is SO alluring.

When I was very young I thought I was very in love with a few people who I wasn't so sexually in tune with.

Their personalities/abilities to make ME feel like I was something special was the key to the sensation of being drawn to them.

You know what I mean?!

I am also praying for her, that she will meet someone else who will love her.

With my h's affair, i asked a lot of questions. It made me angry, but it helped me not to have all the questions running through my mind. Once I got my anger out of the way I was able to deal with it and move on. That's just my experience. I wish you the best.

Heres the thing.

We have had Very Good Sex a few times in the past few months.

But he still sleeps with her once in a while, (he is using her for a place to stay during the week at the moment .)

We talked about it a bit this past weekend. I kept wondering the whole time we were in bed, what goes on between them, exactly .

It is bugging me, and he knows I am wondering, and I think he might like to talk about it, but neither one of us wants to upset the other.

I think I can stomach it, from a clinical point of view, and the reality is probably not as exotic or interesting as I imagine.

Shul,

Please don't sleep with him when he's sleeping with others. You know how dangerous that can be.

I do think of what H does with OW. But you know what always work for me? I think of me and my xbfs. H would never be as adventurous. Yet, even as my xbfs were sexually adventurous, eventually, they became boring. So I don't worry too much about H & OW. Aspen Tree is so right.

Do you feel you are any less in bed? I don't. I asked what H & OW did. Just the regular stuff. What! You had an A and you didn't do kinky? Oh... now you have to do kinky with me dearie... pass my hairbrush <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I didn't intent to hurt anyone with the above post, and I hope I haven't.

I just feel that after a while, OWs are not worth my time and worry. I have enough grey hair already. I know my H's OWs-- they are common trash. I'm not sorry for thinking that way, but that's what they are. I'd rather spend time thinking about being a better me or have a better M. Let's not dwell on OWs for too long.