Can I get some input as to what to expect for withdrawal times FWS's have had after ending the affair and coming back to work on the marriage?

Please provide basic info (how long A lasted, approx time it took to get over him/her and when in the process of recovery you felt that there was progress made on the marriage, AND if you feel you have recovered or are on the way there). Thanks in advance for all posters.

Here's some background info on why I'm asking the question: I thought my W and I were in recovery only to find out last week it was more of a false recovery/false start than anything. I find myself at odds over the fact the FWW is in withdrawal from the OM. I think of his actions as sickening and downright disgusting. That she could "allow this to happen" and even have a hand in it, is unbelievable. (The A was 14 months long, and DDay was almost 4 months ago.)

I realize she has her triggers over this A as well. And when I think that most of the time, when I feel this way (just throwing in the towel and saying F it all) are when we're not communicating or when she's having active withdrawal symptoms about him. I realize there was a friendship there before that she doesn't have now, but how much of a friendship could it have been for him to put both his and our marriage in jeopardy?

One last thought: She was lurking here as jezebel, but I don't see that ID anymore, so I assume she deleted her account. Maybe she'll reregister under a different name. Who knows, but I think she could have gotten a lot out of posting here if she'd only have tried?

<small>[ June 08, 2004, 08:46 PM: Message edited by: Recovering H ]</small>

Recovering H, withdrawal is not the same for each person. I believe it depends on many factors such as the length and intensity of the A; the way the A ended and if there is still unresolved issues; personality; “sensitivity” level of the WS etc. I good estimation of the time of withdrawal can be the length of the A. According to Harley it can take anything between 3 weeks and 6 months, but it may even take a year or longer before symptoms will start to fade. Like I’ve said, it’s not the same for each person and every situation is different. Especially if the WS have unresolved issues regarding him/herself , it can have a influence on recovery. Also the fact that your W was friends with the OM before it developed to an A, can make it more difficult for her to recover comparing to a situation where people start the A from the beginning and have not yet learn to care for the OP (the way you would care for a dear friend). I was friends with OM for more than 2 years before it progressed to beginning of EA during 3rd year. I was not in withdrawal about the EA itself. I know the EA was wrong and I felt very guilty and remorseful about it. However, the thing I was missing terribly, was the friendship I had with OM before it developed to EA. In my case, withdrawal lasted approximately 18 months before ALL withdrawal symptoms finally disappeared. I believe it took so long because OM contacted me a view times during my recovery process after the friendship was ended, and even after I've send the NC-letter. Withdrawal also take longer if the WS still have accidental contact with the OP from time to time (I still work at the same company as OM). However, in spite of all these "stumbling blocks" I can honestly say that I don't miss OM's friendship anymore.

<small>[ June 09, 2004, 05:25 AM: Message edited by: Suzet ]</small>

Suzet,

Thanks.

You mentioned about "if WS has unresolved issues about themselves it can influence recovery." How does a WS go about "resolving" these conflicts if they don't see them or refuse to admit to them. We were in counseling (MC) but now it seems that "we" have given up on that. I feel like I'm in the dark now and have no idea what is going on.

You said:
"I know the EA was wrong and I felt very guilty and remorseful about it. However, the thing I was missing terribly, was the friendship I had with OM before it developed to EA."

My FWW does not think the EA was wrong, only that she let it get to PA. Originally, I felt the same way. Then a few weeks after dday, I realized feelings that I had for a co-worker easily could have turned into an EA or even PA. For me, I thought this was a breakthrough, in that anyone could have an affair. (I saw how easy it was to fall into the trap.) So even though I saw this/felt this, I still have trouble dealing with it. And now that she has no one to talk to about this (friends or IC), all she is doing is bottling it up. I'm afraid that at some point, it will lead to depression for her, or worse. I know she also misses the friendship with OM. Thoughts?

Recovering H,

It’s very important for your W to let her feelings out if she wants to heal. Bottling up and repressing of issues will eventually lead to depression. I’ve received the help from a wonderful, woman, Christian Counselor (who have also became a great friend and confidant of mine), but in spite of this I’ve developed depression and was put on anti-depressants. I strongly suggest your W to go to a professional, outside, trusting, Christian person like an IC (woman) or pastor. If she start develop depression, medication can be very helpful... The medication really helped me tremendously during the withdrawal period.

Recovering H, a MC is very valuable for the recovery of a M, but maybe your W couldn’t be as honest as she wanted to during the sessions because both of you were there; both of you is emotionally involved and maybe she didn’t want to hurt you by saying certain things. Feelings of shame and guilt about the A can also be one of the reasons why she doesn’t want to share. As I’ve said, I really think she first need the help of a professional person who can help her get through withdrawal and address personal issues.

Now, from you post I understand that it might be difficult to convince your W to seek outside help. You asked: “How does a WS go about "resolving" conflicts if they don't see them or refuse to admit to them.” Well, I don’t have an answer for that, but I truly hope she will reach a state where she will realize she can gain from help. The fact that she still thinks the EA wasn’t wrong, indicates that she is still very much in a fog. It’s very usual for a WS to have a foggy thinking pattern during the withdrawal period. Hopefully if the fog starts to lift things will get better & clearer for her.

The one thing that helped me tremendously to lift the fog and realizes that my friendship with OM was wrong, was the recovery of this website and reading about the pain of BSs. It will be wonderful if you can convince your W to read and post on this board again (and also learn more about the Harley concepts). If you really can’t convince her to seek an IC, then at least she can make friends here and get her feelings out. Support and help from experienced members here will also help her through this difficult time.

Recovering H, I understand this is just as (and more) difficult and painful for you, but if it’s emotionally possible for you and if you feel strong enough, help & support your W with the following suggestions:

1. Be your W’s greatest friend and confidant. Encourage her to confide in you and create an environment & atmosphere that will allow her to feel safe and secure to reveal her innermost feelings to you. Maybe you can start to be honest with her about you innermost thoughts and feelings and in the process encourage her to open up towards you too without the fear that you will Love Bursting or criticize or judge her.

2. Be you W’s ‘sounding-board’ during this difficult time. Whenever possible and whenever you feel strong enough, listen to her with empathy, understanding & care. Continue to communicate your negative feelings too, but like I’ve said, do it without being judgmental or love bursting. I know this is a lot to ask and will still be hard to do sometimes, but you WILL receive the benefits, especially when both of you are further in recovery!

3. Realize that your W will go through stages and feelings of guilt, self-rejection etc. During this times, try to let him feel accepted, tell her that she made a mistake, but has decided to turn away and follow the right path. During times like this remind her that he is forgiven by both you and God.

4. Assure and tell your W that she must feel free to talk to you whenever she needs it of feels like it… Encourage her to speak to you whenever she feels ‘down’. If it feels okay with you, ask her about her feelings and show interest and concern about her feelings out of your own. As a FWW it was very difficult to overcome my own pain, loss and grief and on the same time dealt with the pain I've caused my H. I know it would have meant the world to me if my H could ask me about my feelings, without me initiating the subject.

5. If you W needs to talk and you feel it’s not the right time for you at that moment, have the courage to tell her that you really want to listen to her, but on another time when you feel stronger and ready to listen. At the same time your W must also have the understanding and care to allow you to be honest towards her too. This is really a give and take situation. Your W must also encourage YOU to speak to HER whenever you need it or feels like it. On this way both of you will help each other to heal and recover. On this way you will become EACH OTHER’S greatest friends and confidants.

One last thing, remember, the pain “deserved” for your W is real, and the healing to some extent really takes time. So, be patient with both you and your W and give it time and patience… I’m glad you’ve realized through your own experience how easy it is to fall in the “trap” and get involved in an A if not cautious & careful – this will give you more understanding and empathy for your W! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ June 09, 2004, 08:26 AM: Message edited by: Suzet ]</small>

Recovering H, last night I posted on recovery at 2:30 am that I just didn't have it in me to deal with H's withdrawal anymore. If you want to read what happened it's my last post written on Shattered Dreams thread.

The beginning of the truth telling was 1/8/04. It took 6 more weeks to get at the whole ugly truth. The A started around last April or May. Unfortunately H was too afraid to spill it so I got at the bigger details through snooping. Someone on here said getting the truth in bits and pieces over time is like dying from a thousand cuts. The PA ended the day I found out it was an EA. The "B" worked for him and I gave H a choice. She goes or he goes. He fired her and she worked for another month of hell. Thought he had ended contact, but he confessed he was calling her in late March. NC until a week ago Saturday. H called her while slightly drunk at a party we were at together. He quickly hung up and told her it was a mistake. She called him a week ago Tuesday and wanted to resume contact. H shut her down.

Over the past month my anger has been building to monumental levels. H is in IC, but we aren't in MC. I stopped MC in March because he was just too fogged out. We had 6 calls with Steve Harley, one together. Haven't talked to Steve for about 5 weeks. My anger has been building because I realize I need to heal from this. I need support. I'm getting tired of holding up the fogged out, withdrawal bound H.

Last night it came out he's still pining away for the HO-B. Again my post has the details. I ended up LBing to my little hearts desire. Told him I wanted him to leave. Told him my little love bank was empty. So Recovering H, I'm telling you this because I so understand your wanting to throw in the towel. I've been there many times. We feel hopeful, then we're hit from behind once again with the reality that OP is still in our lives.

I slept away from H last night. This morning I asked him when he would move out. He told me he's not moving out. We then had a long talk. We talked about the BI&&&. I told him my assessment of her, and if THAT is what he wants, friggin go. Before he left for work he told me the following. He said this is the 1st time he was OK with me talking about OW. (Before this everything I said about her he felt like it was about him.) H said this is the 1st time it actually helped him see her in a clearer light. Like he is beginning to see her and what life would actually be like with her, but it's still through a foggy lens.

I've said this over and over on here. Withdrawal SUCKS! Last night I just wanted out of this pain. I felt like the only way his fantasy in-love will begin to crack is if he lives it out. Of course I know me, and I wouldn't Plan B. The M would end at that point. Today I saw some clarity in this foggy H. So I guess I'm not dumping him today.

Shattered Dreams (I think) told me something like Plan A is not for the weak of heart. Last night I truly thought I didn't have what it takes anymore to save this M. Obviously told H that. This morning there is a glimmer of hope so we'll see. It's "F"ing tough, and I'm not going to lie to you. Suzet, 18 months? God bless your H. I'd be in the looney bin by then.

Sorry this was so long. I hope more recovered folks will write you and let you see the positive end result. Take care of yourself! CV

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CV55:
<strong>Withdrawal SUCKS!

Suzet, 18 months? God bless your H. I'd be in the looney bin by then.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">CV, I can promise you, withdrawal SUCKS just as bad for the FWS as for the BS. It’s really not a nice place to be... And just as a BS needs strength and blessings from God, a truly remorseful and repentant FWS needs it too… <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Suzet, I didn't mean to offend you. I'm sure it's very hard for the WS. Before I say the following, I want you to know I have appreciated every time a FWS has tried to help me here. I have come to consider you all my MB friends, not just the BSs. However, right now I don't give a sh&& what my WS H feels. How hard it is for him. How much he's suffering. I've officially entered the anger stage and I am tired of being compared to a flimsy little fantasy by a 52 yr. old man. He still can't remember the reality of our R. I hope I can move beyond this place and feel compassion for him again. It's just not where I am at the moment. I'm "F"ing tired. CV

Dear CV55,

Don’t worry, I haven’t feel offended. I was trying to show you that by putting a “smiley” after my post! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I was just trying to raise a point. However CV, I understand what you going through must be very painful & difficult for you… <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Well, I’m a FWS, so I can’t even begin to imagine how hard this must be for you, but I do ‘hear’ what you are saying. You have a right to feel angry and the only way to work through these painful feelings of grief , pain and anger is to feel the emotions.

Prayers & blessings to you, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Suzet

Just wondering...it only took you four months of not getting anywhere in your marriage and already you're thinking of throwing in the towel? How long did your FWW live in an unsatisfactory marriage before she had the A? Considering that, perhaps you shouldn't expect things to get better so quickly or write her off as needing counseling.

Suzet: Thanks, that's alot to digest. I will take more time (hopefully, later tonight) to look through and reread. As far as trying to make myself available to my W to be her confidante, I thought I was doing that (or at least trying to). I get the feeling that I'm either trying too hard and she's resisting or something. I guess I'll just try to ease up as I don't want to drive her further away.

Through my job, I've recently learned that I am a very direct person. I like things to be done yesterday. And sometimes that makes me come across as uncaring and unsympathetic. I know I have to try hard to avoid that. That's the last thing I want to be right now. And I know my nature, is to do whatever it takes to get the "job" done. I'll have to learn patience. Thanks!

Also, I have to wonder if you truly do understand how easy it is to fall into a trap and get involved in either an EA or PA, because you state that you understand because you had feelings for a coworker, yet you say that the fact your wife had a hand in her affair and could let it happen is "unbelievable". Sounds a bit contradictory.
Now, as an experiment, let's say that you are now required to drop the friendship with that coworker...never speak to her again, no contact, no nothing, just because there's a possibility that you could become involved (you KNOW there is). How easy do you suppose it would be to cut someone you cared about completely out of your life? Would you want it to be easy for your FWW, because if it were, it would then also be easy for her to cut YOU out of her life. Just something to think about.
Also, you say what the OM did was "disgusting"...may I remind you your FWW played a part in that? Is she now disgusting, too? If she hears you bad-mouth the OM, she may wonder what you REALLY think of her!
When you suggest that your FWW needs counseling, it probably sounds to her like you want to "fix" her. By the sound of it, you still have issues regarding the OM, too. It's really easy to see other people's errors in thinking, isn't it? I wonder if it really is an "error" , or is it just that they think different, not right or wrong? How do you know you're right?
Good luck!

CV55,
Is that fogged out feeling your husband has anything like the one when your marriage first began?

CV55: Thanks for your post, too long? not. I read some of what you wrote last night. There are so many here that have been hurt and are now trying to heal, that it is sometimes hard to remember who is who. When I was first came here, I used to keep a cheatsheet (pun not intended) nearby to remember what all the acronyms mean. Now I think I need it to keep track of who is who.

My situation is that I don't know what's going on as the W seems to be in a mode where she isn't or doesn't want to talk to me. Of course my imagination just kills me. I know there have been times where I wondered if they got together again. She did say something that made a lot of sense the other day. The OM doesn't trust her anymore so why would he risk stopping? Made sense. Plus, the kids are home from school now so summer shouldn't have that worry at least. My problem stems from not being a very good conversationalist (at least with the W). I just feel so inadequate in that capacity and then to have her "shutting down" on me makes me think its me.

The feelings of it's not worth it, while fleeting and momentary make this ride the roller coaster it is. Thanks for your comments and friendship. Best wishes to you in your journey as well.

onlywords: you said:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Just wondering...it only took you four months of not getting anywhere in your marriage and already you're thinking of throwing in the towel? How long did your FWW live in an unsatisfactory marriage before she had the A? Considering that, perhaps you shouldn't expect things to get better so quickly or write her off as needing counseling. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's not that I want to throw in the towel and quit. It's more that the feelings of frustration and the roller coaster effects of my emotions are hard to deal with. Plus the added effect of her not wanting to talk make it that much tougher. I'm not used to my emotions being so all over the place.

To answer your question, how long was she unsatisfied in our marriage? I don't know. I know there were times she tried to express to me her disatisfaction. I don't really remember when that was. I know I've had trouble communicating with her for a long time. (In that she'll talk to me, but I don't really know what she meant? That doesn't make sense now that I've said it. But we've been on separate wave lengths for a long time and I've had trouble connecting with her emotionally since this has been brought to light.)

I don't really expect things to get better over night or even quickly as you stated. But I don't know what her intentions are, she has me locked out. (She probably felt that way about me for who knows how long?)

What do you mean by "write her off as needing counseling"? I've always thought of counselors as someone to talk to you and help your through situations. Does needing counseling make you less of a person?

So I notice this is your first post? What made you respond to my post (what's your story)? Thanks for your response.

onlywords: Welcome to MarriageBuilders, and as JustLearning (I think) says, I great place to be considering the circumstances.

From your 2nd post I'm pretty sure that you're my FWW. Are you?

In the event you're not, I will try to answer your 2nd post for further help and input in helping me. I might not understand how easy it is to fall into a trap and get involved in either an EA or PA, but when I came to that realization it felt like I did (if even only momentarily). I never told this co-worker of my feelings. From what I've learned from reading here and SAA/HNHN that would have been inappropriate and may have led to further feelings from her. Although she may never have reciprocated those feelings so I may never know what its like to be as close to the trap as I thought.

...your wife had a hand in her affair and could let it happen is "unbelievable". Sounds a bit contradictory...

Yes, it does. That is one of the things that is troubling me. I don't understand my feeling even.

...may I remind you your FWW played a part in that? Is she now disgusting, too? If she hears you bad-mouth the OM, she may wonder what you REALLY think of her!...

"Is she disgusting?" No she's not. And those are feelings I don't understand either. I think that I should call her a SL** or worse, but I can't. So I don't understand that. I'm sitting here bawling now and I don't understand that either. I feel like such a baby, not near the man I used to be. Maybe I wasn't the man I thought I was then, and what am I now? I don't know.

...When you suggest that your FWW needs counseling, it probably sounds to her like you want to "fix" her...

I just want to get through this, I want to stop hurting. I want to help you stop hurting. And I don't know how to do either.

...By the sound of it, you still have issues regarding the OM, too...

Yes I do. Any suggestions?

...It's really easy to see other people's errors in thinking, isn't it? I wonder if it really is an "error" , or is it just that they think different, not right or wrong? How do you know you're right?...

I don't. That's another reason I'm so lost.

Recovering H,
You know my story. And I responded because when I give you an answer, it must not be good enough because you have to come here and ask other people. I guess that may be partly my fault because I don't express myself very well orally, so I might as well do it this way. I shut down because I don't want to bring you down. My negative emotions/bad moods don't help you, you said so yourself. And sometimes when I open up, it feels like all you're thinking about is how you can change me so you feel better. It feels as though you aren't accepting my feelings, because you wonder how could I possibly still care about the OM? How could I possibly have done this? Even after all we've talked about and all the explanations I've tried to give, you still ask? I don't know what to do next. I feel like the worst creep in the world because I come here and read all this stuff about how it's the absolute worst thing in the world a person could do...how does that help me get past it? And don't tell me people don't think that, because if they didn't,there wouldn't be a Discussion Forum with so many people crying about it.
I'm sorry....part of the hell is that I've decided to stay, but at this point I haven't been able to bring my head and my heart together on that. I WANT to feel the way I used to feel about you...how do I do that? I used to feel like you...wanting to talk and be together, but getting no response, no reaction, feeling like everything was "all business". I guess I'm still angry with you for putting me last all those years and I'm having trouble giving you the attention YOU want now, and angry because the one thing it took for us to "wake up" is the thing that is holding us back, and so it feels like all the problems we are having are MY fault because of what I did...that's a pretty big burden.
I hope this was ok to vent like this here...all of a sudden I feel less angry....hmmm!
Baby, I'm doing the best I can right now. Honestly, I still feel quite a bit uncomfortable around you because of what I did....maybe that's part of why I push you away. Anyway, as for my intentions, as I told you and the counselor, I am 100% committed, but at this point it's motivated by the kids....but I want it to be more than that. I just haven't arrived there yet.

P.S. Please don't cry...no, you're not the man you used to be....you're more of a man now, the way I see it. I know somewhere inside of me is the love I knew for you...I'm just afraid to let it out.

Onlywords, I've read a lot of Recovering H's posts and I'm glad you're here.

I am a FWW who has been exactly where you are now but am now almost completely recovered in my marriage. RH might be able to fill you in on a bit of my story - sorry, I'm pressed for time this morning.

This morning I said to my H "you know I'm completely back with you don't you? Does that make you happy?" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

And he said "blissfully.." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Keep posting Onlywords - we're glad you're here.

Jenny

Edited to add: I said "almost" completely recovered. It would be naive of me to say completely recovered because it is still very early days for us and sometimes the rollercoaster plunges off to the bottom again. But we keep moving forward and that's got to be good.

<small>[ June 09, 2004, 02:53 PM: Message edited by: KiwiJ ]</small>

Rec H & ONLY words,

Its great that you BOTH are here. If it takes a message board for the 2 of you to really start Communicating, then so be it. Use it and the other recourses here to further better your situation.

This is to you only words. First, Welcome!
Next, We've read his side. From your remarks, apparently you have a slightly different take. Care to give us your side? IF you do, then thank you.
(After all you did remark that just "venting" did at least make you feel a bit better).

IF not, well think about it.
Please remember that this place and these people are HERE for you as well. If they can, they want to help. And help you. YOUR not alone in this.

Perhaps my W will post to you. She too has and is stuggling with the burden of remorse and guilt.

I sympathize with you trying to come to grips with the dilemma of the thing that woke your BS up (your A) is exactly the thing that is a still a barrier between you. Very difficult to reconcile that fact. Very frustrating to admit (on both sides of the fence) as well.
Believe me, we BS feel very guilty that it took this bomb dropped on us, to make US see what is most important to us.

Take care guys.
This seems like a real positive step to me. At least its a step in the right direction.

onlywords, I'm going to try and answer that question. Since I'm not H this of course is only my opinion.

Personally I don't think it's the same. Also, H and I went out for 8 yrs. before M so we were definitely out of stage one. The reason I don't think it's the same is the following. By the way, H and I went to the park today and spent 3 hrs. talking. I didn't hold back in showing him my pain and anger. Finally, he was able to stick with me through it. You might not be ready for that, but I needed to do that. Frankly he told me I shook him up last night by telling him to go be with her. I was tired of his fantasy.

Back to your question, which we actually talked about today. I'm sure all the feelings induced by chemicals flowing is just like stage one of a non-A R. The things about an A, remember you asked, is that it is based on lies, deception, and betrayal. Is love suppose to bring a person down to the lowest common denominator? Both myself and H's expartner agree that neither one of us saw H function at a lower level. H now agrees too. Of course after d-day he said being with OW helped him function at a higher level.

He told me today 2 things that I want to share with you. Months ago a shrink told him something that he said he didn't get at the time. He told H to think of himself like a bubble that is out of his body. Everything good and bad is in that bubble. It represents I believe his lost self. He said H has to little by little try to regain those parts of himself he lost in the A, and leave the rest behind. H said he is finally understanding that. H told me that times like now, talking to me, he feels like he's coming back to reality. I asked him how reality feels? He said it feels good. It feels peaceful. Told me he never felt that comfortable after a while in the A place.

Today was the 1st time that he really looked at OW as the predator she was. He also said that no one would ever have an A if they knew the pain it caused everyone. So no, I don't think an A love is the same as a non- A stage one. For another thing it's not cloaked in secrecy, which fuels it. There is nothing about an A that is real. I'm not saying the WS doesn't develop real feelings. But those feelings aren't based on real info, knowing each other's real lives. The things he told me OW did and said for him were such an obvious manipulation I couldn't even believe he fell for it. I could go on and on. Maybe one day you'll see your OM in a less rose colored light.

Something you and Recovering H might want to consider is Retrouvaille. It gives you techniques for communicating your feelings through writing. I'm simplifying it. But I think you two might benefit. What do you have to lose, except possibly sharing your feelings better.

Good luck to you both. Hope you both make it! CV

Okay, here's my story. My husband hasn't had a chance to see my replies, but he does definitely know it's "me" here. I wanted to write this before he gets back on later so he can also read it then. Thanks for encouraging me to do this.

I am a FWW. I had an A that lasted about 14 months with a man who lives about 2 miles away. He is also married with five grown children, three of whom still live at home. As you know from Recovering H, we have three children ages 16, 10 and 8 (soon to be 9!) My husband has known the OM casually for quite a long time since he grew up around here. I met OM because he drives a school bus that our oldest daughter rides part way to school. OM used to tell my daughter to tell her "sister" (meaning me) that he said hello. Then he started calling me an albino groundhog because I had blonde hair and he didn't see me around much. I never thought much of those comments, never thought of it as flirting. Every now and then if he saw me out, he would stop to chat....his favorite thing to do was pick on me, rag on me, generally get my goat, so to speak. I used to get somewhat offended, yet it was strangely nice. To be honest, I thought he didn't really like me. At some point, out of what seems like nowhere, I found myself thinking about him a lot and hoping to run into him. I didn't understand why, because I really didn't know him that well, didn't think of him as very physically attractive either. I figured it was some sort of infatuation that would eventually pass. Meanwhile, I tried very hard not to let it show, and I never ran after him. I thought I was doing a pretty good job hiding my "feelings", whatever they were, and I never expressed them to him. But he must have picked up on SOMETHING though, because one day he came over to our house and the first thing he said was, "How far do you want this to go?" I was absilutely stunned! I didn't know what to say and I don't remember now what I did say. My first instinct was to say "You're crazy" or "What are you talking about?" But I didn't. My mind was going a million miles a minute, wondering how in the world he could tell that I liked him, and what had I done to make him think he could come over and approach me that way! The next thing I knew he was asking me for a kiss, so I gave him a really quick, awkward peck on the lips (he was right THERE!). The one thing I DO remember was telling him I didn't want a sexual relationship because it would get in the way of our friendship. After that, things are a bit of a blur. He just started soming over, pursuing me, and I did nothing to stop it. I couldn't bring myself to sleep with him for two months. I still can't believe I gave in because it most definitely wasn't what I wanted. The only thing I can figure is that he made me feel he cared about me and provided some emotional needs of mine. He would say, about sex, "That's part of you" when he tried to convince me to do it. What can I say, smart women sometimes do stupid thing, especially when you appeal to their emotions.
The OM is different from anyone else I know- he's bold, kinda radical, not worried about what other peopl think of him, has an easy-going attitude towards life- almost the complete opposite of me, which I found very appealing and even intoxicating. He was a challenge to talk to. A lot of his statements and claims didn't add up, and I thoroughly enjoyed calling him on that. He didn't seem to mind it either....he seemed to enjoy our verbal "sparring". But where I would have been happy to leave it at that, he kept pursuing sex. I'd put him off as long as I could, then give in, and that pattern repeated itself throughout our affair. He said it hurt his pride that I acted like I didn't want to sleep with him. I guess for him, sex would prove I really cared....so I proved it. What I didn't realize was that each time, the emotional hook in me towards him became deeper.
Well, I could write a book on this guy, but suffice it to say, I fell for him and then got caught. My BS found my journal and read all about it in there. (I still have issues about that invasion of privacy, even if there hadn't been an affair to read about!)
My husband and I will be married 20 years at the end of June. He has always been the center of my life. I would do anything he asked, I would put him before myself, I dedicated my life to helping him succeed. He is driven, motivated, and a believer in a strong work ethic. However, as you know, these things, while admirable, can also be very damaging if carried too far. I felt like I was always at the bottom of his "to-do" list. If there was anything I wanted done, that was also at the bottom. The way I was raised, I believed that was how it was supposed to be...the wife was to be a kind of supporting actress, and stay in the background. But then I got to a point in my life where I wanted more. My kids were finally less dependent on me and I decided to think about myself for a change. I was dissatisfied with our marriage, but I can't say i ever thought it was HORRIBLE! I thought I would just have to accept that's the way things were gonna be, and figured the thing for me to do was pursue some interests and hobbies of mine further. That was easier said than done- I guess my husband was too used to having me at his disposal, and I was starting to "balk" every time he asked something of me. This was starting to happen before I got involved with the OM, and I think I used it to justify the affair after it started. The OM, apparentyl, is VERY experienced when it comes to women. He used to say that women go through something he called "that forties thing", and when he explained what that meant, it did seem to fit me...he was SURE that was why we were involved! I guess it's a time when women are starting to see themselves aging. A lot of us have children who are nearly grown, and it's time for "me", because you have a sudden sense of mortality that you didn't have before. You wonder if your husband appreciates you at all, because the only time you get his undevided attention is during sex. You raise kids, forgoing a career, and in our society, that goes totally unrecognized because we tend to equate success with money. At least with a career, you get to keep the money and/or use it on yourself. With kids, you have to let them go and you don't get to spend them on yourself.
So I see I was pretty vulnerable to this OM, who made me feel important and special and beautiful and intersting to talk to. He gave me just enough to keep me hanging on, yet not enough to make me want to drop everything andrun off with him. I kept telling him it was pointless to keep the affair going if we weren't willing to give up what we already had with our spouses, but he was clever enough to say the right things, like, "The timing isn't right yet" or "I don't want to get to the top of the mountain with you TOO fast...I want to enjoy getting there!"
So when we got caught, the affair ended. And the more I thought about all the things he said, the angrier I got. I am almost convinced now that he NEVER intended to leave his wife for me and that he only said things to keep the affair going everytime I wanted out.
I feel like a complete fool. I feel used, taken advantage of, and just supremely stupid for letting myself believe him. The worst thing is that I want so badly to hate him-have every reason to- but can't let go. I haven't seen or talked to him except twice....and the last time he approached me to give me heck for returning a rabbit cage he had given my kids last summer. I left it at the end of his road, waited to make sure he picked it up, then left. later I was outside and he stopped, saying "Now I'm gonna have to tell my wife I had to talk to you!"
HUH? ANyway, at that time, he also "apologized" by saying "I realize what I was doing TO you was wrong." At that, I turned my back and walked away. That just confirmed to me that he was just playing with me after all...not an easy reality to face.
So there's my story. I caused a lot of pain for my husband, have to deal with that while at the same time try to come to grips with what a jerk this OM is, not wanting to admit I could fall for that, not wanting to believe he didn't even care about me...etc.etc.etc. I know I am probably better off now that he's out of my life, yet the whole withdrawal thing has me a wreck. I keep bashing myself for having withdrawal at all over this idiot. And I know my husband wonders why as well. And I hate talking about it because I feel like a total fool. And my husband is upset because recovery can't start until withdrawal ends and he's ready for the pain to be over. So am I...this is no picnic for me. Maybe I need help seeing this OM in a clearer perspective. I know my husband thinks he's an A$#, but then he's a bit biased. If you need any more info, I'll be happy to elaborate....but that's all I have for now.
Thanks for listening! </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">code:</font><hr /><pre style="font-size:x-small; font-family: monospace;"> [/code]</blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">[/LIST]