Ok its 1 year , how time flys (NOT LOL )

Now I posted 1 yr update cause I never know weather its a recovery or just the time of N/C . ??

OK I will say recovery update , that includes a year of N/C ... FOR SURE ?? well never 100% is anyone JMO.

Lately I have posted questions that where in my personal situation and just some topics in general to help me sort through things that I think about .

All responses have helped me a great deal ..
First what is he doing HHHHHHHHMMMMMMMMMMMMM...

Well I got the norm ,, passwords, cell records , beeper access, credit card access(had a private account back then) .Affection holding hands, cuddling , kisses ect. Communication , well it is over all ALOT better then it was in years H is calmer and does explain himself better and answers questions . 15 hours together well sometimes even more .

NOW alot more progress has taken place in the past month then months proir ,I noticed a weirdness pattern ..In begining after N/C things he did where great he tried hard to explain himself and the A alot more and was concirened with wanting me to TRUST him .

Then for MONTHS he took this ok get over now attitude , ya know enough is enough already ,, he didn't get pissed about me checking things just more of a why do ya dought me thing (stupid )

Well some time ago I was given advice here about personal recovery ,,, I relized I needed to take action and work on me also with that I realized that I knew what type of M I wanted . When he came home it was spelled out for him and he understood ,,, But some where in there he managed to make me feel that was not being resonable ...

NOW I learned I am ,, and I would not back down from that ..

I realized I found a strength in me that I back down from when it comes to him ,, not any more .

I am not saying LB all over but I am saying now if I question something I want an answer and I won't back off ...

I deserve this , I have a right to it ,, and not punishing him ,, but he does need to keep in mind we wouldn't be in this place if he didn't cheat .

That is the trueth and why shound't it be said.

Alot of times I post the negitive to vent and I realize there are positive .

He has finnaly gotten the call thing ,,, he was doing it then stoped and now with alot of communicating he knows that I need this but I also only want it if he feels it .

If he doesn't feel it he shouldn't be here ,,, if he thinks or cares for OW he shouldn't be here. If he is still worried she will find out one day he is home he shouldn't be here .

All these things I am sure about the way I feel and have told him all the above ... NOw I know some are saying well then he will lie to me cause he doesn't want the consequeces ... Well I thougth about that ,,, I have opened my self up completely and with total honesty so if it should happen then I know we just shouldn't be together and I have DONE EVERYTHING that is in my will to do .

KNOWSBETTER - if your reading we worked alot on the POJA ,,, It has come up and worked out a couple of things for us . BUT I learned something I am dealing with my H ,,, He doesn't want to here the words from MB or that it came from here .

So I approach it all in and just a thing . (make sense ) IF he thinks book, or counsoling he thinks oh BULL$(&. And I have to except that . It has nothing to do with the A he was like this always ... SO I always say deal with the personaliy of the one you GOT ,, Every one is different ..

So I forgive that not hard ,,, forget no I never will even with time ... Nightmares yep all the time this is me .. I got issues and they are with OW still .

Is that bad ,,I don't care , I excepted this is who I am ..

I know where I stand with that I am honest and I told H exactly how I feel ,, I don't repeat it all the time ,,or almost never to him but he knows and I will not change that I can not its not there .

YES he took the vows He was wrong ...

OW yes she was at fault as well , I feel she is trash or even lower if thats possiable .She has a child and brought her kid in this ,, she is unfit . As I feel H was as well . The other thing is once the OW knew then she was just doing it to be a homewreacker and I have no pity for her at all ,,, I only wish the worst in life and any hardship it could bring to her and her family that had anything to do with it ...

ok enough on her .

SEX - well in the beging it was more often then took a dive H saying it would get more offten as time goes by cause there where things that we wheren't getting along about ..

Past couple of weeks has picked up ,, improving .

SOME of the issues he came clean with was the BODY thing (ON ME OF COURSE ) I have come to the realization that I am who I am . I lost some weight and am working out ,,, I am showing him that his need means something to me ..

It is important to me as well just not the same as it is to him .. HIS is not realistice.

obsticles I am still battling ,,,
Thinking that my H may still give a rats A$$ about OW, knowing that she IS better looking then me , younger as well ,, the fact that I don't know if he FULLY understand that the A was his CHOICE and has NOTHING to do with me at all .

I think he still justifies things ,, YOU WHERE FAT , KIDS where out of controll , you yelled to much ,, you didn't want to go out enough ect.

All excuse for the A ... I do not belive in excuse or the SETTING the ENVIRMENT THING ... Sorry MB princel or not I don't go with that on at all .

I know about MYSELF ,, I am a great WIFE and mother,,, I am careing , giving, kind, thought full, family oriented ,, I am 37 and look good for my age and what I been through ,, and I an honest , and never will I have regrets cause I know I have done everything for this M that I feel is fare with out making my self a complete doormat .

I think MB is great , but I wouldn't say I am one to not question some things or have my own opoin of them ..

So thats about it that I can think of for now .

Stunned ,, helped me in that raod to know my personal recovery is/was as imporant as M recovery ..TY

Miss M , for always telling me how worthy I am
TO4T always giving and getting the humor , STILL , being so level headed .

KB for the thread on POJA and saying such nice things about me .
ARK , really make me think and search deep inside me everytime I read anything you write ..

I want to say to alot of NEW PEOPLE here that the raod is so bumpy and yes even unfair ,, but the best thing to come from any of it is the lesson of loving yourself and the strength that you will find in you .

There are alot more people who helped here that really made me find my way to ME !
OH and
PEP - your shore and to the point answers to anyone always are noticed by me .

Will be updating some convos that have taken place ..So all in all things are GOOD alittle better then that when I really look at everything as a hole .. I am hard on H , and I tried to stop and see the things he has done more clearly now , and he has made changes .

OH LUVBIRD - if your reading ,,, Thanks for hanging in during the long haul ! and for coming back and updating me ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

3,

Thanks for the thanks!

Will post tonite, I am late for work now! You are doing great, and by the way, you are STILL worthy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Oh I see I was an afterthought. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> That's ok, I got a thank you post all to myself! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Girl, you sure have come a long way Doesn't it feel great when you think about how things are now compared to how they were a couple years ago?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> BUT I learned something I am dealing with my H ,,, He doesn't want to here the words from MB or that it came from here .

So I approach it all in and just a thing . (make sense ) IF he thinks book, or counsoling he thinks oh BULL$(&. And I have to except that . It has nothing to do with the A he was like this always ... SO I always say deal with the personaliy of the one you GOT ,, Every one is different .. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My H is the same way, and I think it's a pretty common thing. I must admit, I took credit for some MB stuff. Instead of saying "Steve Harley says that we should do this...", I said, "Baby, I've been thinking and I think I've come up with something that will help." He was always more receptive to that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think he still justifies things ,, YOU WHERE FAT , KIDS where out of controll , you yelled to much ,, you didn't want to go out enough ect.

All excuse for the A ... I do not belive in excuse or the SETTING the ENVIRMENT THING ... Sorry MB princel or not I don't go with that on at all . </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There is no valid reason to have an A. I understand what led H to it, but it's still not a reason for it. An A is never a solution to whatever problems there may be in the M. I think the big breakthrough is when the WS takes responsibility for causing the pain that they did. Even saying, "The marriage wasn't good, but I still didn't have a right to do that to you, and I apologize."

I have to say again that you have come so far and I'm so glad that things are going so much better now! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Oh MM you are always on the run women , I'll forgive ya LOL

LUV- Never forgotten <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Thanks for responding in detail.

You know I had a problem way back in the beging , about thinking a FWS has to be ONE WAY .

I would read that someone did this or that then I would take it out on my H and say , you know you are not doing enough cause you didn't do this or that ...

Witch was ssssssoooooooo wrong cause it wouldn't have fit his personality . The hard part was thinking well the way he was with OW was not his personality and I was wrong ,, all the things he did was him ... He is very caring of others with problems and has offten tried to help even if it was over board and the other things was the same as he was with me when we dated .

When I found out alot from her I relized he cloned our R (from meeting ) she was not specaial he was trying to recapture the past . NOW he is a jerk, and could have done that with me . BUT ok thats the FOG for ya .

It took alot of family and friends to laugh and cry with me in the very begining for me to see that .

I 'll never forget calling her and talking ,, she told me some things they did together and when I repeated them to others they just said, WOW he is sick he did that with you exactly . The next time I spoke with here I was finishing her sentences of what he said, or his body langauge and the places they went and what they did there ...

It was funny thinking back now ,, I just wish she would have gotten it then and realized she was just an imatation and NOT a really good one . LOL

YES I feel it in me that I came along way . After all I can stand with out being dizzy or feeling that I can breath with out worrying it will be my last breath ... I really was unglued .

A very close friend who was secretly with me through all this called and we where laughing and she stoped and said, to me you know 21/2 years ago I really though we where going to commit you , ya had a nervous break down and I do not know how you came out of it ...

weird I look back and think of how out of controll I aloud 2 people to make me ....
NEVER going there again . <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

BUT hey the 52 lb weight loss was still great LOL
I don;t think I ever would have lost that weight LOL
I mean it was on for almost 7 years

OK bye for now .

3, you might want to insert year into your tag line dates. Confusing for newcomers.