I have been reading the materials on the site as well as in the forums. A lot ministered to me, but I have not found my question addressed.

Background:
I am the FH and my WW had the A while I was deployed. She is in general a good person and I love her. She confessed on my return (or began to, as it took some time for the full story to come out).

We had grown distant before the deployment, married 12 yrs, 3 sons, busy-busy-busy. Not a bad marriage, just a little distant. Pain always seems worse when you have it. I have begun seeing a MC with her and it helps. I think she wants it to work.

Thanks to you all:
- I do see my part where I contributed and made it "easy" for her, and have been working Plan A and eliminating LBs before I knew what they were.
- The FWS and FS who have posted have witnessed to me greatly. I am struggling with the fact that my WW has an attachment to the OM and it is truly a loss for her. It is hard to console her pain of her loss in ending it, but you do what you must.

My question:
As soon as I found out I asked her for NC (is that no contact?) with the OM. I trusted my WW because of her honesty. She has since confessed that the A has continued even after I returned home and now ENSURES me that there is NC. (The OM lives in our neighborhood and works a different shift than I do, HARD to tell).

This is not the first time for the OM, I mean there are other WWs that are not mine. He gets around a bit. The OMW does not know.

My question is this: Is it appropriate for me to contact the OMW? Here is what I am struggling with:
- I promised my WW I would never tell the OMW way back when she first told me. She didn't want me to and I told her her honesty to me deserved that. I am afraid if I told the OMW it would be a LB, something I DON'T want to do.
- My flesh is telling me I need help, another person working to ensure NC since my WW has failed at it repeatedly. This is the lifestyle of the OM, so even when my WW tells him it is wrong, he still pressured her resulting in the follow on encounters. He doesn't have the honor or integrity to leave my WW alone.
- I would ask the FWs out there: having gone through it, would it have been better if you didn't know? (I feel I am going to get hammered from that, but I get mixed counsel on the issue to tell or not. I would really like to hear a FW point of view).


Staying the course with prayer.

Thanks.

You say you promised your wife not to tell because her honesty deserved that.

If she continued to have contact with OM, she was not being honest. I would tell the OM's wife. She deserves to know.

Sharing from my own experience:

WH asked me not to expose the EA to the husband of the OW because he felt it would bring harm to their child (WH believed OW's husband would divorce her at best, beat her up at worst, either of which would have been negative for the child).

I complied with his request.

That's the only thing that I regret about the entire episode: that I did not reveal the EA to her H. I feel that it was my responsibility to inform him, and that my failure to do so reveals me as complicit in the deception of OW's H.

I should add that we have come to believe that this particular woman made up the stories of abuse. We believe that she used references to his abusive behavior as a way of gaining sympathy from my H, drawing him closer into the EA by way of the appeal to his instinct to protect.

Good luck with whatever decision you make.

ncwalker,

If you do decide to tell OM's W, then *don't* do it secretly, behind your W's back.

This is something you should POJA with your W.
Did she write a NC letter which you saw and approved? Many here say that a copy should go to OP's spouse. Maybe you and your FWW could take that route.

After 10 months, I still regret that I didn't get a chance to expose the A to the OWs H. He should know. My H was frankly afraid of what the OWH would do if he found out. Now I wonder every day if she's still at it. After all, she was having two As at once (My H and another woman's H), while maintianing the fiction of her M. It seems too harsh at first, and I agreed not to tell, but I regret that.

This is to TurtleHead. Not sure if my reply will appear in the right spot as I am new to this.

I am not really convinced my WW is a FWW. I have not gotten to see a NC letter. We did not know about it at the time. My WW left a message on the OM cell-phone (sure that the OMW did not hear it). I did not hear the message and the WW will not tell me what was said, only that it is ended.

I re-read the POJA after your post, and I am truly trying to walk the right way though some of this seems unnatural or counterintuitive.

My WW and I have talked about a reveal. She is praying that the OMW will find out. Problem is, we have children in the same school, same grade. So my WW will be running into the OMW on and off. They were acquaintances before the A. The OM likes to let the OMW feel safe (I am guessing here) by allowing his "harem" to befriend the OMW. Then he begins the A. My WW would not do that and it made her feel uncomfortable with the OMW due to the circumstances.

I have been feeling stongly that I need to let the OMW know. I was scared it was for pay backs, but have searched my heart and come to the conclusion that I feel it is wrong. I asked myself if my WW were NOT involved, meaning if one of my neighbor's wives was the victim of an A with someone I did not know, would I tell her? I think I would because to me an A is fundamentally wrong, something you just don't do.

My WW has a point in the discussion - that is the OMW may not be ready to hear the news and just reject the news out of hand. I feel that is her choice and it is a step I must take to help ensure NC, given the fact that the trust was broken so many times after my WW promised it.

I would not do it behind my WWs back. Does the POJA apply? For example, if I was beating my kids (I'm not) and my wife and I could not POJA to the fact that I should not beat my kids, does that mean I can still do it? My WW is a little emotional over the issue and is lacking wisdom in her choices. I feel telling the OMW would help remove temptation. My mind is currently on the fact that the NC breaches means I must first protect my M and I feel telling the OMW will help do this.

Also, when (and if) I choose to tell the OMW and let my WW know, she will probably want to warn the OM. That seems to me to be a breach of the NC and also unfair to the OMW as he will get the opportunity to "cook up a story" about how he was the victim. I know my WW made a choice, but this OM kept pressuring and pressuring her. She said no to the PA, but was mired in the EA and his pressure forced her to relent to the PA for fear of losing the EN he was meeting. The WW tends to be a people-pleaser and doesn't want to be the cause of pain. She feels this will happen to both the OM and the OMW if she tells.

Finally, I got the suggestion that the reveal should go like this: I call the OM to let him know that I know (he doesn't think I do). I tell him that he needs to come clean with HIS FW in the next few days because I am going to call her. I praise God that I heard of the A from my WW. I don't think our M would have made it if I learned by other means. I don't want to wreck the the OM/OMW M. But would feel responsible if the OM lifestyle brought home a disease, or created a child due to my knowledge and current silence. Is that off the wall? Do I just leave it alone as part of forgive and forget?

My WH's OW wasn't married but she was a 24 year old college student living with her parents. After dday #2 I told my WH I wanted to call her parents and let them know about the A. He asked me why and I told him because, she needed the support and guidance through this difficult time from people who loved her and cared about her integrity as a person to help her heal.

I turned my explanation into a benefit for OW. Also, I hoped her parents knowing would shed light on the true consequences of an A and give her incentive to stay away (which she hadn't been doing for the two months after dday#1).

If your wife is still active in the A or you're not sure if the A is over, I don't think you need her permission to tell OM's W. I would be honest and say I am going to tell OM's W about the A, you can help me or I can do it alone. Then explain why she should know. It's not about getting revenge, it's about helping an innocent woman protect herself and her family.

If this man indeed had a harem, his W needs to know. Your silence is enabling all of his affairs and putting his wife at risk. My guess is that he is not using protection. She deserves to know.

On telling the OW, may people have asked the question. You can do a search on my name and find some good responses when I posed the question about what to tell the other person. I met with a group from BAN and we talked about this last night. First, I think that we need to honor our commitments and be honest with our spouses, however, absent any other circumstances I think that it is good to tell the other spouse. I feel very happy that I told the wife of the OM. I do not have guilt that I am keeping a secret from someone, even if I do not know them. I told the wife of the OM a while ago and am more and more certain that I made the right choice. Remember that the other person and your spouse choose to start this whole ball of wax, we are just trying to clean up. Part of my personal healing was telling the other spouse. It also fulfilled my personal value system that we help those in need and do not participate in harming others. Individual circumstances are different for all, but I made my decision to tell and am happy about it.

Hi ncwalker, I am a fww, my H too said he was not going to tell the OMW, 6 mos after dday he did, he told me after he had did it so I couldn't warn the OM.

H told because it was eating him up inside, he felt it was the right thing to do, that OMW deserved to know. He also was worried that once everything cooled down OM and I may start A again

My H was right, it is the right thing to do to tell -he did speak to both MC and IC about telling and they both agreed. This OMW deserves to know and it may give you a little piece of mind on your end.
Hope this helps you - Sandy

Your instincts are correct. Inform her, she has a right to know. Plus, it may help to ensure the affair ends from the other side - because it is not yet over.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by turtlehead:
<strong>If you do decide to tell OM's W, then *don't* do it secretly, behind your W's back.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'll respectfully offer a different opinion than turtle on this point.

Like believer said, you are under no obligation to honor your commitment to your wife not to tell OMW. She didn't honor her part.

So, with that out of the way, DO NOT tell your wife first that you're going to do it. Reason - she will surely alert OM who will spin some tale to his wife of "some lunatic who claim's I'm having an affair with his wife!!! How crazy is THAT?"

The only better course is for your wife to tell her herself.

WAT

<small>[ June 11, 2004, 12:33 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Dear worthatry,

I am trying to POJA this with my wife. She and I both feel the OMW needs to be told. We are questioning the timing at this point. I am sensitive to the dishonesty from her about ending it as the PA continued after she promised me NC. She says NC is for real now and I want to believe her, but it is hard. So part of me wants the OMW to know NOW to help with the buffer - enforcing NC on both ends.

My wife has a friend who was a FW. Her husband was having the A. As a FW, she was told by a friend and did not want to believe what she was being told. My WW friends comment sounds reasonable, but I am not sure we will ever know when the OMW will be *ready* for the news. I wasn't. I was just glad it came from my wife. I also did not want to believe it, who does?

My question is coming down to this, and I ask it of the faithful wives out there. If you were not going to hear it from your WH, would you rather hear it from the OW or the OWH?!? Or does it really matter? Just opinions I am asking for, really, and of course my wife and I will cover it in prayer. Also, for the FWs - the sooner the better? Is there (from a woman's perspective) the right time to hear this news?

I don't believe my WW is trying to avoid the pain at this point, she is just afraid the OM will "cast his spell" on his wife, deny the A, and cover it up, and the OMW will go on oblivious. I don't see where that has any bearing on my M.

I’m a BS and in answer to your question, if I hadn’t heard it from my H, I would much rather hear it from OWH than OW. The news is humiliating enough without feeling like the OW had rubbed my nose in it and I wouldn’t trust a word she said anyway.

I really think you should tell. My FWH also kept in contact many times after promising it was over. I kept having to discover continued contact, which makes the whole recovery process that much harder as I lost my strength and spirit with each discovery.

Each time he promised NC, he asked me not to tell and I was so desperate for NC that I went along with the deal. I wish I hadn’t. I may have saved myself months of heartache in the long run.

After the last discovery, I wrote to OWH. I apologised for not informing him sooner, expressed my sympathy and gave him some encouragement that there is hope in surviving after an A.

OW had supposedly already told him (though I suspected this was probably a crock) and so the letter was basically informing him of continued contact and offering to answer any questions he may have. Telling him in a letter, gave him the option of not having to face this stranger who knows far more about his life than he does and in the event, he never did contact me.

OW went crazy at my H and that was the last contact they had. H followed on with a NC letter 2 weeks later, which she sent back.

I believe, that without exposure, we wouldn’t have stood a chance. OW can no longer do whatever she likes, without consequences. As the truth about her came out, she lost her manners and showed her true colours. Very ugly!

If you do expose the A to OMW, what she chooses to do about it is no longer yours or your wife’s business. It’s not for you to worry what happens thereafter.

I hope you do expose. It may cause some turbulence between you and your W initially, but that’s nothing compared to the pain that continued contact can bring. I also don’t think you need your wife’s blessing. This is a fight for your marriage and this is one time when you should be forgiven for having to take this step without her approval.

I hope this helps. Good luck.

I think you should be the one to break the news.

If your wife is willing, you could let OM's W know that your wife would be available to speak to her if she has questions at some point in the future. POJA that first, of course!

It might not help the OM's W in that immediate world crashing down time, but it might be of assistance later down the road.

It might also be a way for your wife to make amends to his wife, which could possibly be very healing for your wife as well.

Good luck to you both.

I agree with Horizon on this one. I would much rather hear that kind of news from OWH. I can't imagine how humiliating it would be to have OW tell me face to face...even if she was appologetic. I also think a letter would be more appropriate than in person or over the phone. When you mentioned "timing" of when to do it...I say, the sooner the better. Why wait? Don't put it off for ANY reason. Your M and NC is more important than any excuse for delay you can think of.

If your WS REALLY means no contact now, the best way to do it for her to wrote a NC letter to OM with a copy to OMW. One fell swoop. She hears about it and your wife apologizes at the same time in writing - and OM is marooned.

WAT

BTW - all you new members with single or double digit posts, I'll bump up a thread that covers all aspects of exposure and you can add all your thoughts. But please read all the existing thoughts first.

<small>[ June 11, 2004, 04:28 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Would you want to know? Who want to hear that news, but who doesn't?

I did not tell.It just didn't feel right.I still want to tell but for the wrong reason to make her pay.So her family can suffer.So I will not tell.In the end the OWs will get what she desevers