</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by eric. n:
<strong> I can not believe the help and concern people here are willing to give. It feels like in some way if this destroys me it will affect everyone here. I appreciate everyone who has given me hope or tried to make logic, or even just let me vent,, as you can tell by how often I respond and talk about my situation I have become dependent on MB members to somehow help me get through this. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Isn't it incredible? You're not alone Eric. What has happened to you has happened to others. Your very willingness to listen and learn right now will be an example to those in similar situations who come after you. This has turned into an amazing thread, IMO. The advice you are being given is wise and from the hearts of those who give it.

Eric, you admire the men who put it back together but you NEED TO REMEMBER they had to go through the EXACT same confusion and pain that you have to get there. It does not happen overnight.

I too, have been considered Damaged Goods by my H. He told me. He was right. I am damaged, damaged by my own choices, my own stupidity and fog. Am I forever broken? NO. Am I the same woman I was before the A? NO. Is he the same man? NO.

Asking who we were at the begining of recovery would give you entirely different answer that who we were in the middle. I can say I feel like we are "recovered" as a couple because we're solidly on the same page. This is two years later so Time has worked it's magic, that and a lot of blood, sweat and tears. OK, well maybe not blood, Lol.

I'm so sorry for your pain and confusion Eric but I do also have concern for your wife. Where/who is her support system? Please do not underestimate the power of the OM! This guy is not letting go so every time there is contact the WS is thrown back to square one, deep fog full of rationalzations and excuses.

This is not entirely her fault if the OM will not stop initiating contact. Eric, I would have ceased contact much earlier if OM had not threatend to cut my husband's penis off, you know? I would have ceased contact earlier if he had not told me he would ambush H outside the gym and beat the crap out of him. Asking if H had life insurance REALLY scared me!

This one was BAD...OM making remarks on how my little boy looked so much like him and how he had always "wanted" a little boy. (!) Somehow I had to keep this a**h*le in line and by talking even if only by phone I felt like I was keeping my family safe.It was all unwanted contact on my part, but contact nonetheless.

I guess what I'm trying to say is please don't ascribe evil motives to your wife without being in communication with her. You are assuming a lot of things and I don't blame you. Please try to cut her some slack.

Please protect her from the OM. Eric is she reading here at all? How is she, do you even know? Does she have the opportunity or desire to post here? I would be willing to talk with her privately if she wants. I know the confusion and fear that she is going through. I also know that there is HOPE. Are you sick of me telling you this yet? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Eric you can always choose to end it later, it is too early yet to make a major decision. THE OM MUST GO FIRST!!! He is proven violent, dangerous and you must protect your family PERIOD.

When she is out of the fog, when it's really done, then you can think about what you want to do personally. Hopefully you will make the best choices for all of you, but that is down the road. Right now, you have a responsiblity to your wife and children. We do care and we do not want to be reading about you in the paper!!!

Here's a thought: If you can feel the care and concern for your recovery from us here on board, how much more care and concern for your marriage does your wife feel? She may not always say or do the right things but she DOES love you Eric, remember that. She wants to make it right, and maybe it's not always the way you want it to be but you need to give it time. Let me know if she wants to talk. KB

Dear Eric N.,

Wow. I have been off the board working on my own marriage and have not been on your thread for some time. I have digested it pretty well. And will offer you my HUMBLE thoughts.

It appears that you have a pretty good handle on discipline. Discipline would be a condition to success working in corrections and law enforcement. It also appears you care about your career. So I am going to make an assumption (I feel pretty safe about it) and that is you would rather have the cr*p straight without a lot of touchy/feely sugar coating. (Just like me, LOL)

I am going to tell you my thoughts and how I make it day by day. No promises, this just works for me. I am almost in the exact same situation you are. Also, I am going to let you have it with both barrels on a few things. I have found (with a lot of hard learning) that when someone says something about me that makes me angry, it means that God is trying to talk to me. I usually take that stuff and pray about it. Sometimes, what was said is unjustified and I blow it off. Sometimes it is not and I find if I ignore it, it usually means a hard lesson is coming my way.

WARNING: I am fallible. Take what I say and pray about it. Get confirmation, get peace. You don’t HAVE to listen to any of us.

You said you wanted the Godly view. As a precursor to that, “the” Godly view is really going to be “my” Godly view. I am not a pastor, preacher, etc. I am a man who believes in the living God, water baptism, and baptism in the Holy Spirit. I believe God actually talks to me (not literally, but figuratively, giving me confirmation and peace about things that I hear). To quote one of my favorite songs:

It’s just a Spirit thing,
It’s just a holy nudge
It’s like a circuit judge in the brain
It’s just a Spirit thing
It’s here to guide my heart
It’s just a little hard to explain.

I am not ashamed of any of that, but would take too long to LOGICALLY explain (I can almost do it) the FAITH part of my answer. (Please, NO THREADJACKING) But then again, if there was proof, we would not need faith, now would we? LOL.

NCWalker’s thoughts:

First – You must ask yourself do you REALLY want this to work? I have read some posts on your thread and the question of “Do you LOVE her” has been asked. That is false. Love is a verb – it is a choice, action, expression to someone. Do you WANT this to work? You KNOW exactly what I mean. You have been through law enforcement training. You know when the drill looks at you and says “You gotta want it!” You must want this EVEN IF SHE DOESN’T. You have brought up some whiny stuff – best for the kids, best for my job, blah blah blah, whine whine. The heck with all that. If ERIC N. does not WANT this to work, this marriage to his wife, it will NOT WORK. You may try and look admirable in the process and tell people how you took the high road to save your marriage, but if you don’t want it, that is lip service. If you don’t want it, stop wasting your time, your wife’s time, the OMs time and your kids time and quit. Look deep. It’s scary. It was scary for me.

But there is some help. You sound about my age (late thirties). Do you know why the military “sends the nations sons” to fight? Notice we never say we send the nation’s husbands, but the sons? The answer is THEY WILL. When you are young, you are full of youthful ideals and zeal untempered by life and wisdom. It is easy to get a group of young men all riled up to go out and kick some tail. Remember your early twenties? You used to say things like “I’ll NEVER do that.” “Nobody better do that to ME.” And somewhere between 20 and 40 is a bunch of painful lessons and you realize that the proverbial “lines in the sand” that were put in place in your 20s may have been drawn a little hastily. And that is why they don’t make you general until you are seasoned. You have to be able to understand the concept of “acceptable losses.” At this point in my life, when someone says that something is “unacceptable” behavior, I inwardly chuckle. Let me quote a little Mark Twain to you:

“In religion and politics people’s beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination.”

What he is saying is that for most of us, we have these beliefs (he is referring to religion and politics, but there are others) that we are zealous about and we have not taken the time to reflect and test them to see if we REALLY BELIEVE THAT WAY or even explain why we do.

I also know that you know, given your background, but you may just need a reminder. When has anything done in anger and haste EVER turned out right? Let me quote a little Benjamin Franklin to you:

“Whatever is begun in anger, ends in shame.”

So get some quiet time, get your spirit at peace, not angry and don’t be hasty and REALLY ask yourself, DO I WANT THIS TO WORK? Not for the kids, not for anything else, but for you.

Boy. Wouldn’t it be great if life were that simple. If you are like me, your answer was a “Yes, but…” This is a TOUGH call. We are not talking about winning a game, we are talking about being undefeated for the history of the game. High stakes. Take heart. A “Yes, but…” is GOOD ENOUGH. You have the time to work on your “Yes, but…” until it is a YES!!!

So how do I do it? How do I be the “strong” husband you mentioned in your post? I am not. Not really. You see a bit, piece, fragment of NCWalker on a message board. I have my days, you will to. Don’t be discouraged when you do. I will tell you how I CHOOSE to still love my wife after what she did. And I do think it is horrible. I think it is as bad as child abuse, but that’s another thread (LOL).

I am going to assume you have finished cursing me and are ready to listen.

NCWalker’s Plan for Recovery

STEP ONE:

You are the BS and the husband. That makes your situation very different than if you were the BS and a wife. I would take advice from a female BS, but would be wary about it. They don’t have firsthand knowledge of what goes through a guy’s mind. (Sorry girls, you ARE different. Please don’t highjack Eric’s thread again to bash me about this.)

Given the fact that you are the betrayed HUSBAND, then you must BE A MAN. Plain and simple. You are wired different. You are bigger, stronger, tougher. You are made that way. You are supposed to sacrifice so your family can have better. You are the spiritual head of the household, but the spiritual leader is the greatest SERVANT. Sure, there are lots of passages in the Bible about what a wife is supposed to be or do (Proverbs 31 comes to mind) and not a lot about the husband. But it does say that the husband is supposed to love her more than himself. Much tougher to do, really. You are the MAN in the relationship so SUCK IT UP. Yes you are allowed to feel. Yes your feelings are valid. But you are supposed to apologize first, reach out first, be magnanimous and knightly, forgive first, … the list goes on. Comes with the territory of LOVING HER MORE THAN YOURSELF and the fact that YOU are the man. Is it fair? YES. If you were in a gay marriage, where you were BOTH men, I would say no. But your wife is NOT wired the same as you. She is different, so it is FAIR. You are equipped emotionally and mentally to SUCK IT UP. I don’t really care if you “like it” or not. It is not about that. It is about how to be a husband to the woman you love. Sometimes I don’t like it. But it is my DUTY as the husband and man in my marriage to do those kinds of things. You just have to do it. You probably are doing it and the weight of it is killing you. Doesn’t change the reality. I know it makes it harder to stay the course when there is “an easy way out” aka “divorce.” Don’t go there.

Runawaypot has some VALID complaints about our marriage. And you know what? They ALL boil down to the fact that I DID NOT WANT TO BE THE MAN. And you know what else? SHE WAS RIGHT. Not that this in any way validates her affair, and she will be the first to tell you that I did not deserve what I got. But I (my pride) hates to admit it, but I wasn’t being the MAN she needed in certain areas.

Stop and think. When you and the wife talk about things regarding duty, does it sound like she is from another planet? She is not wired that way. Do your duty. Regardless of the situation you must do your duty. As soon as you feel like you are slipping out of that mindset, ask yourself the HONEST question “Am I being the man?”

STEP TWO:

Understand that your wife is a raving lunatic. LOL. Runawaypot sure is right now. Nothing she is doing makes sense. She is acting SO out of character that I would not be surprised if aliens showed up and said “Oops, we forgot to switch your wife back after testing her.” Again, NOT FAIR. SHE is the one who WRONGED ME. She should be ON HER KNEES BEGGING FOR MY FORGIVENESS. That is the 20 year old NCWalker talking. With his hastily drawn lines in the sand. I can pine away for the “should be’s” and the “ought to’s” or I can face reality. Reality is RAP is confused and hurt over what has happened to her. Reality is she is in pain. Reality is what SHE needs is patience and understanding (remember, the spiritual leader is the SERVANT). It is like she has just been in a car accident and is seriously injured. Before you can ask her what happened, you have to treat her wounds, ease her pain, SAVE HER LIFE. After that, if she has to do jail time for driving drunk, then she does.

You can’t hold your wife’s actions against her at this time in her life. She is irrational and emotionally wounded. If you really WANT this to work, you must get her through this BEFORE you make a hasty decision to leave her.

My guess is (and it is just a guess, as RAP and I aren’t through this yet) is that she WILL realize what she has done. She will feel humbled and blessed that you stood by her. She will “do the jail time for driving drunk” and be the wife that is appropriate for the husband that you were in her time of need. THAT is when the decision to stay or leave should be made. I can’t honestly tell you to stay “no matter what.” I don’t know if I will, as I have not been faced with that choice. But I do know that if I made that decision on how my wife is CURRENTLY behaving, it would be made in haste. Not willing to do that right now.

That’s it. Two steps, really. I am not going to quit, give up, or whatever until I am ABSOLUTELY CONVINCED I have done the best I can for my wife. I am not going to make a decision about our marriage until we are out of “crisis mode.”

Do I have “lines in the sand” at this point? Sure I do. If she brought him into my house and my kids saw them “in action.” I would forget it at that point. If she brought home an STD, boy, that would be tough. I probably would throw in the towel. If she were pregnant by him? I don’t know. The point is you must be ABSOLUTELY SURE of what your “deal breakers” are and making that choice in anger, hurt, or without lots of reflection means you are going to make a bad choice. There are many people here who have forgiven on many different levels. I am certainly not going to sit here and berate you for your chosen level. The “amount” you are willing to take. You have to do what you have to do, just make sure you have your “peace” about it, whatever form that may take. Don’t do it in haste. Don’t do it in anger. You will regret it.

Here is now NCWalker’s helpful stuff. How do you BEAR it? We get lots of advice on what we should do: Plan A, no contact, POJA, all good stuff. But how do you TAKE it? Know what I mean? I enjoy servicing my wife orally. But another man has ejaculated inside repeatedly without protection. I mean it is like I am going down on the other man himself. Ughh. Yuck. How do you get passed those thoughts? How do you forgive the atrocious wrong of you wife?

I do it one piece at a time. The affair my wife had is way too much to accept. Way too much to forgive when taken all together. It crosses a line in the sand that I drew YEARS ago. By rights, I should leave the b*tch. If he was so much better a man for her, then screw it, she can have him. The OM isn’t going to leave his wife for HER. She should get what she deserves. I busted my [censored] for her, tried my best, made some mistakes and THAT IS THE THANKS I GET? H*ll, other women in the neighborhood have told her what a great husband I am and they wish their husbands could be like me!!! Arrggh. Yep. That is the 20 year old NCWalker talking. That is the snot nosed, chip on my shoulder, THINKING he knew what it is like to be a man, 20 year old NCWalker. That is the angry, hurt, wronged, hasty NCWalker. That is NOT who I am. Yes, I have those thoughts now and again. Have posted some good vents on this board. But that is NOT who I am. I am a man of integrity and I am a man of dignity, neither of which are those thoughts.

One piece at a time. My wife and I were virgins. I have never been with another woman. She threw that away. Damaged goods you say? Unforgivable? Let’s look at that “piece” of her affair. Concentrate only on the physical act of sex, the thought of another man with YOUR wife. Just that piece. Now. What if she were raped? Physically, what is the difference? Could you forgive her then? If she were raped, would she be damaged goods? Maybe she didn’t fight him off. Maybe she couldn’t. Maybe she feared for her life and would rather live than die trying to prevent something from happening that is only a physical thing. So another man has “been in your henhouse”. Is it REALLY unforgivable? She CAN wash up. Is it such a big physical deformity? Does it make her undesirable? Feel your “line in the sand” move a bit? I felt mine move. Just got a little easier.

One piece at a time. So my wife “needed” (her words, spoken from the fog, but STILL spoken) to be with him. So she picked him over me. How was I treating her at the time? Have I ever chosen to do something with a buddy over her? Watch TV instead of meet her need? Without considering the physical aspects, or the lying, was it really all that bad her needing a need met? I can actually understand that part of it and have forgiven her. Feel it? “Line in the sand” just moved again.

One piece at a time. She lied to me. Wrong, wrong, wrong. She was being selfish (don’t think about what she was doing, translate the affair into the generic “selfish act”). She lied and said she was being good and she was really being selfish. Childish on her part. Wrong. But is that “piece” unforgivable? She is my wife, after all. I will take more cr*p from her than anyone else because I love her so much. I can forgive the lying. Hold on, “line in the sand” moving again.

One piece at a time. She became dependent. Like an alcoholic. Could you forgive your wife some alcoholism? Maybe you would leave her if it was chronic and continually abused. Not the case in my case. She became dependent on “something else.” Something generic. I need to support her through that. “Line in the sand” moving again.

Eric, it has been a “one piece at a time” victory forgiving my wife. I could not possibly swallow the whole thing. I broke what she did into pieces, and found that each little piece was easier to forgive, easier to stomach. Worked on just letting go of each piece so it did not drive me crazy. Have had to go back to each piece many times. I also spoke the words. Aloud. Sometimes to her, sometimes to myself “I forgive her.” To borrow a line from a previous post to you, I simply “walked where I was watching.” I saw forgiveness. I set my heart on it. I WANTED it. And I got there.

Did it work? I don’t know. Time will tell as RAP and I are just getting her out of the fog now. Feels like it might. I can see the light.

You wrote that your wife wanted to kiss you. My wife hasn’t wanted to do that in months. I would KILL for that kind of opportunity. That kind of sign, of reaching out that she wanted to work on it. Wanted to be my wife again. She has just been dead to me. You said your wife wanted to talk. You thought, what’s there to talk about? We have already said everything. Have you? More importantly, has she? If she was confused and in the fog, maybe she needs to hear herself say the words again when she is a little more clear. Maybe she will 100 times. I mean, she should not be brow beating you, or spitefully telling you things. She has some responsibility given the fact you want to work this out. If she does, you must BE THE MAN. Tell her firmly you will listen, but not be brow beaten about it. Then do it. If she gets aggravated, remain calm. It will calm her. If it doesn’t and she is getting spiteful CALMLY tell her it is not helping and you need to take a break, but you will try again later. Have your escape route from this dangerous situation planned out in your mind.

Don’t be afraid if you fail. It is NOT an END if you make a mistake. It is only a SETBACK. Ask RAP. I have love busted BIG TIME a couple of times during our trial. You have to ask yourself what do you want – your PRIDE intact or your MARRIAGE. If the answer is marriage, suck it up and stop love busting. Don’t subject yourself to unnecessary punishment. You are the one with the clearer head, use it. You are the man in the family, be it.

When I can do what I have preached to you, things between RAP and I go well and I can see progress. When I don’t (and I don’t always) things get worse. Proof enough for me about what I should be doing.

Don’t take crossing your “lines in the sand” lightly. Sometimes they are a one way trip.

NCWalker

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Suzet, God judges a man's SOUL, man judges a man based on his actions. You cannot detach a man from his actions, that makes no sense.

A man who lies chronically is, of course, a liar. A man who murders is, of course, a murderer. That is a true fact. By what standard is a liar judged if not by his actions? It would be silly to say that Charles Manson was a good guy who just happened to do "bad things."

There is no other measure by which to judge a man if not by his ACTIONS, so it makes no sense to try and detach the two. Nor is there any biblical basis for such an irrational viewpoint.

I realize that its politically correct to detach a man from his actions, but that is a viewpoint that is rejected by most because it simply makes no sense and is certainly not biblically based.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">HUH???? Ummmmm I disagree with your interpetation of the Bible then also! The Lord specificlly says "Hate the SIN~ Love the sinner".........so the TWO are DIFFERANT~ Suzet your take on Gods word is the same as mine....and our pastor and church.

And also Melody a question???? After what the title of the thread is........" Im a hipocrit...Ive done the unthinkable!" Would you NOT THEM say that the author "JUDGED HIMSELF"??what would we post back???? opinons right??? and opinions are judgements made by our beliefs and morals. Period.

Blessings,
Atruheart

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by atruheart:


HUH???? Ummmmm I disagree with your interpetation of the Bible then also! The Lord specificlly says "Hate the SIN~ Love the sinner".........so the TWO are DIFFERANT~ </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Atruheart, I tend to agree with the Bible, that is where I get my biblical information. And just where is this verse that says this? I must have missed that in my Bible. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Even so, the subject is about "judgement," not about loving your brother. They are entirely different subjects. I can love my brother but still judge that he is a murderer if he murders. There is nothing "loving" about withholding the truth. That is not a Christian principle.

1 John 3:18 My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth.

<small>[ June 23, 2004, 07:31 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

NCwalker,

I am going to print you and others reply,,I am seeing a pattern here.

Kb,CW,ark, Top rope, D rose, rap, nc walker,,

at one time all of you have in your own way, without coming right out and saying it,,,,,,,
You have all tried to get me to realize it is my actions from here on and my beliefs that will save or end this marriage.

Lets take a look shall we at my actions dealing with this,,,,
Packed up and moved out, isolated myself
Tore up wedding photos, all photos of us
isolsted myself from my children
tried to heal the pain with alchohol
had ONS to try to heal the pain
after MBERS repeatedly telling me to I finally move back home.
do some family recreation together.
wife tries everything in her arsenal to get me to have sex, talk to her, hold her, to get any emotion from me at all.
At present I have climbed into the shell
last night was more of the same sat outside wife asked me to lay beside her, didnt do it, wife asked me to please sleep in the same bed with her, didnt do it, wife asked me to talk to her, didnt do it. Wife comes outside and says "ok Eric you can come in the house now because I am going to bed" I once again fall asleep on the couch.
all of you are right

my wife is trying to do it by herself, no help from me.
I see that I have not made a true, if any effort to save my marriage.
NCwalker,, You talk on how to make an effort and I have to say your post jerked a few tears, I have not cried in a while I guess I was due.
I am going to print posts from KB,NCwalker,ARK, D ROSE, TOP rope, and all who have tried to show me that I was putting this all on my wife,,,maybe I was doing this as a revenge factor I dont know. Tonite I will read these members posts and then take a look at my wife.
See I only have comp at work right now not able to log on with wife.
Yes,, to all who have offered to write my wife a letter please do. I have told her how it calms me and gives me a healthy perspective on my situation. I will post a thread titled "Letters from MBERS to my wife" I will give them to her and even ask her to respond on paper and I will type it out.
"Lord I ask of you to give me the strength to see past my hurt, my anger, and my jealosness, so that I can once again see what I want to see more than anything in my life,,,,,,,,,The woman I love,,,MY Wife. Amen

Eric,

wow, this is quite a thread and i have not been able to read it all.

Eric, i have been somewhat following your story, (in between messing up my own life). I admire your efforts.

ncwalker, thank you for sharing so much. (i wish you could talk to my husband!!)

i don't know what else to say but i just had to post.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

ark^^

Eric N.,

You have made my WEEK. Once you SUCCESSFULLY SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE you have my vote as the MB poster-child. I am truly amazed at your response to my and others posts. Really for one reason.

If you said to ME what I said to YOU. My PRIDE would have kept me from hearing it for several days.

My pastor told me to hold onto and pray God's promises that are strewn throughout the Bible.

Here is one for you: The Lord will not deny a broken-heart (meaning humble, without pride) and a contrite (meaning sorrowful for a wrong) spirit.

Brother, you got them both. Take a bow, then go work on your M.

My W and I will be happy to post for your W to read.

NCWalker

Eric,
NCWalker gave you one amazing post and you responded brilliantly. I see a lot of hope for you.

I think you are going to be fine.

Your wife is in a lot of pain. You need to comfort her. But you are also in a lot of pain, and this is where you need to stop being The Man so much and let her comfort you. It may be difficult as first, but if you accept a kiss from her you will be on the right path to regaining some of the security you once had with her.

There is a reason you married your wife, there is a reason you had children with her and there is a reason you found the courage to go back home. You are feeling disillusioned at the moment and you have forgotten why you are here.

Soon you will realise that your W is worth fighting for and you will be proud of the amount of strength you find to do this. The faith you had in your wife before the A did not come from nowhere: this marriage is worth fighting for.

You will have your bad days: we all do. But you cannot let these bad days overshadow your determination and make you lose sight of the Bigger Picture. Once you let your wife do her bit, you will feel your Love Bank start to fill up, and this will spur you on.

I understand how you feel, as do most people here. I doubt I can help you as much as some of the incredible people you have here, but I wanted to add my voice to your support here, and wish you the very best.

Sending you lots of love

eric,

muy bueno!!

God Bless,

Doug

Thanks to everyone here,,,,, especially the members who have gone that extra mile to help me, to all who have comforted me when you knew I was lost and in pain, and also to all who have given me a reality check when you knew I was moving in the wrong direction.
Everyone says here "they are not marriage counselors" just people who have been there.

well,,,,, You people are my marriage counselors! you tell it like it is you dont try to force change,, you give guidance and to me that is what a counselor is supposed to do.
It is all of you who set me back in the direction to save my marriage when I feel like throwing it away.
It is your honesty, guidance, and hope that I will reflect on and motivate myself to be strong and confident,,, I think all of you feel that I have a wife who truly loves me and is sorry for hurting me. It is just that I could not see it,, despite all of the signs she has given me to show it.
If I do not get passed this I know it will be a result of how I reacted to the affair,, I also know that I will be throwing away a woman who has loved me since 11th grade, and to this day continues to love me.
That love is not so easily found in life.
you people are truly god sent,, to use your time to help others not because you get paid to but because you want to.

Thanks for showing me to stop looking at what I had and to start looking at what I still have.
God bless all of you.

I hope me and my wife become one again and in time I can be as helpful to others as you have to me.

May God bless you both!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) It is a privilege for all of us to be a small part of your recovery, Eric. This is one of the most incredible threads I've seen in two years.

You have a good heart, Eric. Thank you for allowing us to share with you and for sharing yourself with us. I'll bet that you probably don't feel or realize what an inspiration you are to others. A humble heart TRULY is a beautiful thing. I am awed. KB

eric,
just read latest posts and ncwalker's was amazing. it gave me food for thought. others have good advice also. i have learned this. when we pray, ask for God's will to be done not ours. ask for strength to bear His will and it will be granted. together we can accomplish much.
one day at a time,rdl

Dear Eric,

We are all awaiting some good news, so how about it?

My day with my WW yesterday was only OK. She hit me with a few LBs and was distant. I gave all day long. At the end of the night, she warmed up more than usual and I had nothing left. I wasn't hard, just a little cold.

Drove in to work and those resentment thoughts got the better of me. Know what I did? I came in and read your thread.

Guess what I am saying is it is HARD to be that man in our circumstances. I suddenly felt that you might be feeling broken?? (not sure if that is the right word) if you can't just do it.

So I'm letting you know that sometimes I can't either. MUCH easier to say it and read it than actually do it.

Much more frustrating. Look what we are trying to forgive our WWs for. Can't they cut us some slack? Answer is no. Sure, they should, but they are not "whole" right now. Know what I mean?

Took my own medicine. Sent the bad thoughts away. I'm ready for another day.

One step at a time.

NCWalker

hello,, evryone

I have had a hectic day at work so I have not been able to get much time to post.

I do want to say that yesterdaY was amazing. After reading and coming to terms with everything that was said to me I just felt,,,,,,,so,,,,well,,,good. Which is not a feeling I have very often. I met mt wife at our house for lunch right after reading the last reply from all of you.
As I was pulling into the drive I felt like I could just run into the house grab my wife and kiss her and apologize for my selfishness.

I did just that,,, I totally caught her off guard, she was baffled at how my behavior had changed since last night. The emotions were so strong I held her so tight for a sec I thought I would sufficate her.
As I looked at her a tear rolled down her face and she said I love you! That was all it took and I began to cry. I told her I loved her.
She couldnt help but ask "Are you my husband?" I replied "until the day I die". We both held each other and cried for a few minutes. As we pulled back she asked what has happened to you? I tried to read some of the post from NCwalker and KB but it was just to emotional. I told her that it was a good day and I wanted to stop devoting all of my time to the past and start looking at what I may be destroying.
We talked mostly about my sudden change,,, things got a little on edge when she asked If I could promise her that I would not shut her out when I start thinking about the past. I told her that I have been so hurt and angry that I really felt the only promise I could make was that I would try much harder. "She said you have allready tried hard" I couldnt understand why she would feel like I had tried hard, "I have hardly been able to be with you" I said. She replied "I am amazed you are here with me, I feel like everyday you are going to leave me... but it has been 2 months and here in my arms you are" She said " I know you have tried hard even when you clam up" " I cannot help but try to help you even though I know I am the reason you are hurting" "I am still your wife"

There was so much emotion, I am getting pretty choked up talking about it.
This was a major break through for me because my feelings were not saying try to love your wife,, I was actually loving my wife.
We spent the night together we layed on the couch together, and we made love like it was the first time.
This morning I woke early and just stared at my wife and 2 boys sleeping, I just looked at them and felt "If something this great does not deserve a second chance then what does"
I have felt pretty good all day,, met her for lunch,, Our love banks were still exploding from yesterdays events.
While I know we are still delicate and I am at the top of my roller coaster. I understand that just one great day will not fully rebuild our marriage. I will slip back down to the bottom of the coaster from time to time. I have to make an attempt to get back to the top. I cannot dwell there. A quote that keeps running through my head,,,"""I AM THE MAN I AM THE SERVANT AND I AM THE PROTECTER OF MY FAMILY."
Hopefully and eventually we will start seeing more good days than bad,,, I know if we can manage to look at what we have and not at what we had our recovery is possible. But like you said NC words are easy. "will I act on what I am saying?" I pray I will......

This is a first: I'm starving so get myself a slice of pizza, see your post,take a couple of bites, start reading and end up bawling my eyes out. Miracles happen every day but we so seldom get to see them!

Thank you for taking the time to share, keep reading, keep learning, keep posting, keep loving the wife of your youth. Life will be good again someday and all the work that lies ahead of you both will be worth every tear. I know I speak for all of us that we'll be there with you every step of the way when you need us. God bless, KB

Thank you kb,,,,, my wife said that she will see about signing on MB from her computer at work. In the meantime you can email her @ ,,, I have told her about you and some of the others so please feel free to email her,, she has read some of your replies to me...

<small>[ June 25, 2004, 10:43 AM: Message edited by: eric. n ]</small>

Eric,

I'm with KB on this one. Brought a tear to my eye. Hold on to this memory and remember there are ups. Pray REALLY hard. I have found the enemy likes to come after me as soon as I am comfortable. You ARE the MAN.

NCWalker

Eric, Please tell Mrs. she has mail. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thnks KB,,, by the way I am sorry for not telling you wifes name... It's Autumn.