I kinda felt we were threadjacking on mFisher, so here is my answer to your question there.

My mom was a BS. I was 4. We moved away. Dad married pregnant OW. At 4 all I knew was we moved and I have no memories from then.

When I was old enough to ask, Mom said something like "Your father decided he didn't want to be married any more." with no anger in her tone. This was great for me as a kid. I had NO IDEA what kind of pain my mom must have had (now I do!) but I think that was for my best.

Another thing my mom did right - from my point of view: I spent a week every summer with my Dad's parents. We had moved to another state, but Mom drove me there. Also, she had family close to where my Dad lived (another state) and whenever we went there she would call my dad and he would come and get me and my sister and take us out for ice cream or something. (Note, OW apparently did not want contact with us, she pretended we did not exist until we were married. Now she is known as Grandma by our children, very strange)

Once they took me to a family reunion and a great-uncle said to me "We all thought that <father's name> treated your mother badly." This was a totally new and confusing thought. I was about 8 and I DID NOT NEED THIS AT THIS TIME!!!!!

This may not help you, since all I know is experience of knowing there was a divorce of my parents before I was old enough to remember it.

One of the reason that I have not exposed WH to his parents is that his mom sometimes shares things that I think are inappropriate. I can just see her saying to my kids "What do you think about what your dad is doing?" and they DON'T need that!!!

However, what my mom did wrong was... I wish that before I got married she would have shared what happened to her marriage. I honestly thought that they had divorced for incompatibility and then he met someone later and married her. After my own DDay I took a grownup look at the fact that my sister and my half-brother are only months apart in age and I was VERY angry that mother did not warn me! I have vowed that before my children get married I will share what happened to their parents - who loved each other - as a motivation to start early with POJA and time together.

One of the reason that I have not exposed WH to his parents is that his mom sometimes shares things that I think are inappropriate. I can just see her saying to my kids "What do you think about what your dad is doing?" and they DON'T need that!!!
Why not nip it in the bud and YOU tell them before they find out and wonder why you didn't?

However, what my mom did wrong was... I wish that before I got married she would have shared what happened to her marriage.
If it was wrong for her to no tell you, why do you think it's right not to tell your kids?

I have vowed that before my children get married I will share what happened to their parents - who loved each other - as a motivation to start early with POJA and time together.
Why not tell them early, before they start relationships, so they can do them right.
After all, once they start developing opposite sex relationships, even the non-dating kind, they will establish patterns before you decide to tell them (which will be when?)
Teach them the right way to do it while they are young, before they establish their own behaviors.

<small>[ June 16, 2004, 11:00 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Me: One of the reason that I have not exposed WH to his parents is that his mom sometimes shares things that I think are inappropriate. I can just see her saying to my kids "What do you think about what your dad is doing?" and they DON'T need that!!!
Chris: Why not nip it in the bud and YOU tell them before they find out and wonder why you didn't?
Me: Well.. I guess at first because at DDay I thought he'd leave, and telling would be appropriate then. He hasn't left yet. Honestly, they aren't old enough yet. Probably I need to start thinking about what to say to the 10-yo.

Me: However, what my mom did wrong was... I wish that before I got married she would have shared what happened to her marriage.
Chris: If it was wrong for her to no tell you, why do you think it's right not to tell your kids?
Me: It would be wrong for me not to tell them before they get married. It was right not to tell me as at 4 or 10.

Me: I have vowed that before my children get married I will share what happened to their parents - who loved each other - as a motivation to start early with POJA and time together.
Chris: Why not tell them early, before they start relationships, so they can do them right.
After all, once they start developing opposite sex relationships, even the non-dating kind, they will establish patterns before you decide to tell them (which will be when?)
Teach them the right way to do it while they are young, before they establish their own behaviors.
Me: Tell them what? I think many kids start exclusive relationships too early. At this point I don't want to talk about how to keep your exclusive relationship exclusive! I am teaching them about how to properly express disagreement. I am teaching my daughter to speak up respectfully when someone oversteps her boundaries. I am teaching my son that "educating" doesn't have any postive results. I am modeling a huge reduction in LB behaviors. I don't think it is right to overload kids.

Yeah, the 5&6 year olds are pretty young, especially since he's still home. And you are right to start thinking abou ttelling the 10 year old something, IF IT IS CONTINUING.
Are you gonna tell them the day before they get married?
After they get engaged?
When?

You don't have to explain about "exclusive" relationships. Just start teaching them what real friends are. They don't let friends do bad things and they tell them when they do something bad.
After all, if they can start identifying this stuff early, it will be much easier for them to identify it and call someone on it (even themselves) later.

And actions speak MUCH louder than words. If you do something, they will learn to do it this way, so much more than you simply telling them to do it a certain way.

<small>[ June 16, 2004, 11:35 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

The only thing I have to say, is that my mother had the intention of telling me lots of stuff before I grew up.

And then life happened. She got sick, I grew up faster than she expected, and BAM!

By the time I was 15, I had just barely met me real father. She never intended for that to happen, but that is how it turned out.

There are no easy decisions to make in these situations. Just be wary - you cannot control everything that happens in this crazy life.

Take care.

SS

I think children should be told the truth to their level of understanding. Hiding the truth from them gives them a false picture of their parent and leaves them very morally confused. There is no good reason to hide the truth from them.

My mother also withheld the truth from me and I was always very puzzled about why no one said anything about my dad's girlfriends. I sensed something was very wrong in taking a 4 year old girl [ME] to a hotel room to meet my dad's OW.

But no one said anything so I thought I must not be a smart girl to not know it was ok for married men to have girlfriends in hotel rooms.

How will kids ever learn right from wrong if the adults in their life won't point it out? It would have been helpful early on to understand that adultery is wrong. Instead, I learned that my instincts about right and wrong were WRONG and grew up with enormous confusion and self doubt. If adults won't teach you right from wrong, then WHO WILL?

Hi Bgentle,

Thanks for your post.I am still gathering information and opinions on how,what,where to tell my kids about the impending D and why.I know I will handle it ok.I just want my girls to be alright.

O

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">After my own DDay I took a grownup look at the fact that my sister and my half-brother are only months apart in age and I was VERY angry that mother did not warn me! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I find this very hard to understand. I would think that most kids are aware of the human gestation period long before adulthood.

The last thing I would want my children to believe is that it is ok to divorce if you simply decide you don't want to be married anymore.

SpiderSlayer: I have written a lot in letters to my kids should something happen to me.

MelodyLane: My kids have NO contact with OW. I have NO contact with OW. I do not even know OW's name. My WH is stellar at compartmentalizing his life.

Nellie1: The subconscious is very protective. I don't know my half-brother's birthday. I just know he was a grade below my sister in school - something that could be post new m.

Chris: Exactly! What I do counts. I hope they are learning to eliminate annoying behaviors and to refrain from educating.

The thing is, you can't ever unsay anything, so I want to be careful what I say.