I sit wondering sometimes after we find out we have been lied to and contact the OP do they even care. Do the like what they are doing? Do they laugh at us? Is it a game to some of them? Or does it make some of them truly think about what they are doing and stop contact.

<small>[ June 16, 2004, 03:27 PM: Message edited by: SadMarylandLady ]</small>

Sad -

I think in some cases it does make a difference. In my case my contact with the OP reveal some very serious warts...which disgusted me even more. I still wonder to this day how my H could have falled for someone like that. He did and there's nothing I can do to erase that from my memory.

But I honestly believe that some people hear the voice of the BS and hear the pain and realize what they are doing is very wrong and hurtful.

What was your experience with speaking to the OP?

Sad -

I wouldn't have laughed. I would have welcomed knowing that my BF was married. It would have saved me and a lot of other people a lot of pain, and the unknowing involvement in the affair and the deception, which ended up hurting us all.

I still don't know if she loved him or not. They are divorced two years now, and I have never had any contact with her.

Sometimes I wonder if she is laughing at me... at
what a stupid little fool I was.

Weaver

Almost right after DDay I called her even though my husband said it would just make things worse. What for him or me? Well I called her she actually seemed pretty nice and sorry. She didn't know he was married until a few days before he told me what he was doing. I asked her to move on so we could work things out and she said she had no intention of pursuing anything.

Well a few weeks later they were back into calling each other daily while he is at work. She lives about 10hrs away so I know they haven't seen each other since Dec. Well after letting it go and not contacting her for several months I decided to email her.

She pretty much told me she was not pursuing my husband but if she was I better watch out and told me to never email her again because she doesn't talk to people she doesn't f***ing care about.

My husband says they both feel bad and feel it's not right then why can't they just stop all phone contact. I want to contact her again but I feel there is no use.

How sad. I wouldn't contact her again if that is her attitude. She doesn't sound like a very nice person right now. What is wrong with people anyway.

You at least planted a seed. She knows that you love your husband, that he has a wife. Something is happening inside of her. Unless she is a sociopath, she is thinking about it.

Why does their have to be so much dang pain in this world.

Weaver

I don't post much anymore, but I lurk a lot. This particular thread caught my eye because I did finally contact the OP - mostly because it was something I needed to do. I wanted her to know that I knew what she and my H had done - they still work together. I was not mean or disrespectful in ANY way towards her, but she on the other hand was defensive and very b*tchy to me. She is also married and worried about her H finding out I'm sure. Plus they both are worried about work finding out about their little "friendship".

My point is that she obviously did not care what she did to me and was merely offended that I would have the nerve to contact her about something that was none of my business. Based on her reaction to me, her comments to me, and her conversation with my husband after the fact -she absolutely did not care one bit that she hurt me. All she was concerned about was that I would actually call her at work and potentially cause problems between her and her H. So I guess what she did was okay - too bad the wife found out, but she still should not have to face any consequences for her actions. That was the message that I got. Whatever!

SAD MD lady

Guess like most things...it depends.  (real helpful, Huh?)

I think it depends on how much the OP has to loose. (Spouse, kids, job, house, ect,.)
Their own personal situation has to be a huge factor in how they react to contact from the BS.
Also are they invested in the A, or is it just fun, exciting or "Extra" to them?

My W's OM did not take me contacting him well at all.  She worked under him (yea, ha, ha) and they continued to work together for months after I found out. (At the very least the EA part continued during this time). 
His Main concern was that I NOT tell his wife. 

My wife "convinced" me not too tell his wife. 
However, I did contact him.  He got spooked and used my one phone call, 2 text messages, one home note, and 2 emails  to call the police on me for harassment. Sent Over the course of 4 months. (Even though NOT one of the messages had any threats or really any info. at all  in them... as I was still hiding this from his wife... and she was looking). Just wanted him to know that I knew, and sweat a bit (or a lot).

Fortunately, Once he did this his world just fell apart... as this is what showed my wife his True Nature (Thank gosh).

So once again.........it depends.
I know, I know no help whatsoever.

I told my H that if he did not talk about what went on, I was going to start calling OP, and others. Is that LBing?

I never had to talk to her. We went to counseling and fixed our problems. She is becoming less and less of importance in my mind. NC is a vital maintenance.

I am sure that if I contacted OW, she would have the sweetest song and dance with regard to her best intentions. But my H and I both wonder if her H knows yet. I bet he does not.

It is good to not use all of your cards at once just in case there is some trouble down the line with a tricky OP.

Talking to an OP with this type of attitude will not help anything. At least that was the case with me.

I finally had to get her phone bill info and threatened to call her parents, siblings, friends, and anyone else that she called regularly to let them know what she was up to. She was in the process of a divorce and her H already knew about the A. Boy, when she saw that she would actually have to face some shame and embarrassment for what she was doing, she stopped calling quick. Very self centered.

Sometimes this can backfire too, but the Harley's do advocate exposure so that the A can hit the light of day and the reality of the situation will begin to dawn on the A partners.

I think, just like you get all kinds of different people (good and bad), you also get different kinds of OPs… Some are inherently ‘good’ people who have made bad decisions and some are inherently ‘evil’ or ‘bad’ people who are calculated ‘game players’ or 'predators'. Therefore, some will laugh since it is a ‘game’ to them and some do care, truly think about what they're doing, are remorseful & rependant and stop contact.

Some OPs consider contact by the BS a challenge. A conquest that they count as a score when they upset the BS. Crazy but true.

No sense reasoning with stupid. Like spitting in the wind.

Though I understand the BS' drive to want to contact as they desparately try to make sense out of what is really a senseless act (A).

My contact with PBR (psycho babble rabbit) was futile. I thought she was human but found out she was just crazy. Still is. Can't carry a decent conversation with her. She gets the english language all twisted up (even with her degree from Berkeley). LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

JMHO,
L.

Well I did email the OP yesterday for one final time. She never emailed me back she just told my husband I emailed her. Guess figured I wouldn't tell him.

He got upset with me and said why did I involve her. I involved her?? Did I do things with her do I call her daily??? He said he is trying to keep her out of our marriage... Even though he tells her things about our marriage. Fog talk...

I just say now whatever... If she feels like calling him is ok and she can live with herself... Eventually I will say enough is enough and leave.. I just think they both are selfish only thinking about what makes them happy.