<small>[ June 21, 2004, 03:17 PM: Message edited by: sprezzatura ]</small>

Where is you Plan B letter? If you did not give her a Plan B letter, you are NOT in Plan B. The letter is essential.

A couple of things.
Your "separation" options are not options. She'll simply do what she wants. If you could get her to agree to one of these, why not get her to agree to end the affair? (It's because you can't.)

Also you wrote, "we confirmed that we would continue to put paychecks toward bills/savings until a different idea was approved and that we wouldn't do any unusual purchases/spending during this time."
That's fine until she decides she doesn't want to do this anymore. Then she won't. (Personally, I wouldn't)
Also, Plan B is not an agreement to do things/not do things.
Again, if you can get her to agree to not "do any unusual purchases/spending", just get her to agree to end the affair. Save yourself a lot of time this way.


First, I was planning on letting my W know that there are two chunks of time each week where I will not be home to allow her in to pick up needed things. This doesn't seem to compromising to me and there will UNDOUBTEDLY be things she left that she needs for work or whatever.
Change the locks. Don't let her have free run. If she needs something (she probably won't need anything but will simply want to see if she can kepe in contat in some way), she can get in touch and you can leave it in the garage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Also you wrote, "we confirmed that we would continue to put paychecks toward bills/savings until a different idea was approved and that we wouldn't do any unusual purchases/spending during this time."
That's fine until she decides she doesn't want to do this anymore. Then she won't. (Personally, I wouldn't)
Also, Plan B is not an agreement to do things/not do things.
Again, if you can get her to agree to not "do any unusual purchases/spending", just get her to agree to end the affair. Save yourself a lot of time this way.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ok-if that is part of the definition we are not in B. we have to negotiate the $$ every 2 weeks-I am a homemaker-h is still leaving $$ for bills. He WILL NOT discuss anything about who/what/where/when about LIFE.

so now what????

PEACE OUT

sprezz,
if that is part of the definition we are not in B.
You don't know if you are in Plan B or not?

He WILL NOT discuss anything about who/what/where/when about LIFE.

so now what????
Do Plan A. Eliminate all Lovebusters.

H is OUT of the house- a month. don't really know where/what and if I see him or talk he has nothing much to say except I don't know.....

I don't know what to do but physically I am falling apart. emotionally- defies description. kids......oh man- angry. h- just ignores us.

what should I do?????

I pray and I wait on the Lord- try to not interfere with HIS plan.

PEACE OUT

Things are going better today in the sense that things are happening. I told her parents in a preemptive strike knowing they would likely react pretty viciously. I told them to let her know how disappointed they were but not to call her names as they did when I first told them. So, then she told them and they pretended they didn't know but I told them to then let her know I HAD told them first which would make her mad, "What did he tell you?!" and to tell her what I said, which was to be nice. This obviously crushed her.

Now, onto my biggest update. Last night I spent three hours with the OM's wife. I told her. She didn't know but suspected. It was not REMOTELY the first time he had cheated on her. A drawing I had made my W give back he had the nerve to give to his own wife and tell her he drew it for her. I told the OM's wife about, gag, mix tapes he had made for my wife. She said, "that's funny, since some of mine are missing." Can you believe what a collossal **** this guy is(I'm still aware of my W's part).

Soooooo, as I am still in a solid plan B with NO contact (even though W tries on a daily basis in one way or another) I told her best friend this info and she will end up passing on some of this NEW info about the "love of her life."

schander

Did you post the Plan B letter anywhere?
Can you?

are you asking about my plan b letter? If so I'll try and post it. Really though I stayed pretty close to what surviving an affair suggested.

"If something was missing in our relationship, it could be found. It was missing before we met each other and we found it together. That said, I can not be a part of your life, until he is not."

I then went on to ask her to move out which she has done saying that our house is where we were the (our last name)'s and it is the place where people who are committed to the betterment of the marriage should live and it is the place you can come home to if/when you decide to."

Please do not call or contact me in any way unless it is a family emergency because, again, I can not, will not, be a part of your life until he is not.

schander

schander,
Yes, I'm looking for your Plan B letter.
Was this the actual letter or just what you remember?

<small>[ June 22, 2004, 03:48 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

: )

It's just what I remember. And whether it, as a letter needs work or not, the thing that matters most is follow through and I am utterly committed to that.

schander

Do you have a copy of what you actually sent?

And whether it, as a letter needs work or not, the thing that matters most is follow through
Good, but you have to follow thru on what you should be follwing thru on. What you wrote here definitely needs work and if you left out some stuff, it needs to be addressed (to her).

For example, "That said, I can not be a part of your life, until he is not."
You need to explain WHY you cannot be part of her life now. The affair is hurting you.

saying that our house is where we were the (our last name)'s and it is the place where people who are committed to the betterment of the marriage should live
This is a pretty big lovebuster.

and it is the place you can come home to if/when you decide to."
Even if she does not end the affair?

Please do not call or contact me in any way unless it is a family emergency because, again, I can not, will not, be a part of your life until he is not.
Again, you need to explain exactly what you are doing and why.
Her continuing affair hurts you, therefore you will not have contact with her until she ends it.

Hey all. Well, things are moving forward. I haven't broken down in over 24hours which is a first for the last 6 months.

I spoke with OM's wife Monday night. Found out LOTS of things about OM. Numerous affairs, like NUMEROUS, mix tapes given to my W were actually originally made for OM's wife and just "re-gifted", drawing given to my wife that I made her give back was then "re-gifted" to OM's wife. Yeah, this guy's a COLOSSAL ****. It has of course been very hard for me to know of the total disrespect the OM has for my marriage but to know that he was also doing such HORRIBLE things to his wife at the same time made me even more upset.

I told this info to the friend my W is still talking to the most and she told my W. She acted only kind of surprised since deep down of course she knows he's not some "great catch" and she confronted him with the info last night.

I know I was just being overly hopeful but I really did think this would at least make my W realize she was just the CURRENT woman in this guy's life and nothing more but he talked his way right out of it. Don't know how. My wife is SOOO smart but apparently the fog is thicker.

I feel like if THIS didn't snap her out of it nothing will or that if THIS didn't do it, will I ever be able to wait and eventually work on our marriage if she ends the A?

I'm still in SERIOUS plan B and will continue but I feel more like throwing in the towel than ever before.

schander

please read/respond to last post if you're able. I will be posting my plan b letter in about 10minutes.

It was written before I was here so if there's anything I need to clarify/re-write and give to WW please ADVISE!!! : )

We have not had contact for 5 days...

schander

again, if able, please read my last real post here and comment if you can.

I have posted my letter and comments/suggestions have already been helpful.

topic is called:

my plan b letter in all its flawed glory

thank you,
schander