a dandy dude,
First, of course sorry you are here, but at the same time glad you found this place.
As they say, better late then never. (Hard to imagine you dealing with this for soooo long, alone). <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
Very encouraging that you are reading and learning all that you can, about A's, relationships and even yourself. Good move. Keep doing that!
Next, Yes your W must get away from OM.
8 years creates an extremely strong bond.
Just process the fact that They can't be friends, not coworkers, not anything ... except apart. ( That is If your M is to both survive and be healthy).
Unfortunately, Their A is still ongoing as we chat here, at least on some level.
How have you been able to deal with this for so long (her leaving every morning to go be with him)?
That's a huge snowjob she's pulled on you. (Don't feel bad on that...they all learn to lie and manipulate like pro's)
Just had a few questions to help clarify things, if you'd be so inclined.
You've written that your wife had the A with her Boss.
Can you be more specific as to what that business relationship exactly is.
Meaning is this a small business and he the owner/boss OR is this a corporation with him her supervisor (what is that dynamic).
Without giving the brand name what
Type of business is this? ie, field?
Is she the secretary, assistant, what?
The reason I ask is because if this is a larger company, it is very likely for you to get HIM to leave, and your wife to still keep her job.
Big Business is very touchy about sexual harassment these days.
I know, you say she was willing. These days, In most cases
that is NOT the issue .
The issue is whom has
Power and authority (and ultimately) responsibility over a subordinate.
If he in any way had the power of Evaluation, raises &/or promotions, then the Buck stops with him. It usually comes down to an abuse of power charge.
Which he is definitely guilty of.
This is the situation we were in. I let W and her OM supervisor work together for months after D-day. (Huge mistake!!!) As crazy as I got, I almost hate to relate to what your feeling. Those were dark days indeed!
However then her OM got full of himself, thought he was untouchable. Boy was he wrong.
He was gone within a week of us going to the Human Resources Dept.
My wife kept her job, with nothing more then a reprimand on her yearly evaluation. Yes, it was a very scary and difficult time, but well worth it in the end.
(She ultimately did leave later, due to all the Triggers at the workplace). But that is another story.
To Continue:
In addition, once you do tell his wife, she is NOT going to want him working with your W any more. Bet on that. So even if he is the owner (or whatever) and can't be forced out, his wife will make him fire your wife. His W will insist that either your W goes or he goes.
In that case, your W will still be away from him, even if SHE doesn't want to be.
So either way its a victory for you.
Also you get the benefit of OM "Turning" on your W.
Nothing breaks the addiction and fantasy faster then the "lover" putting you on the unemployment line.
Kind of hard to put a "loving" spin on that one.
And even in this scenario, you'll still have a great case against him, as the reason for him firing your W, will be because he was using her for sex.
Now that the sex is over, and his W knows ....she is out the door. That is illegal.
Any way, If you could fill in that gap of info. it would be appreciated.
I know it may sound like I am being overly legalistic here.
However, I'm just trying to point out that there are options available that can solve both your problems (that being the OM and W being separated permanently & her still having a job).
There is a way for it to happen. It can be done.
Not saying any of this is easy or pleasant. Cause its not. Its scary and hard. But wouldn't doing something to help your M and yourself be better then continuing to stay stuck in the H*ll your in now?
I held off taking action for so long, because I too was scared (as well as listening to my W's bullstuff). But eventually it was all just too much to take.
Fortunately, in the end things are better then I could have imagined.
Especially considering how I saw them at the time.
Just want you to know your not the only one to go through this sh*t.
Lastly:
You were also given Sound advice ( by Mel. Lane) to
NOT tell your W of your plans to inform OMW until
After you actually do it.
This is crucial. If you do, Your W WILL tell OM, who then in turn will tell a story about how you are a jealous husband and a general nut case, and make his wife not believe ANYTHING you have to say.
Don't give them the opportunity to do this.
YOU TELL
First and make him scramble to do "Damage Control".
IF he gets to her first, then you will never be believed.
As a result, you doing this most unpleasant task (talking to his wife) will all be for naught. We know you don't want that.
The OM already has enough advantages over you. Do not give him any further edge.
Indeed, the OM is comfortable at this point. Don't tip your hand.
add, (sorry for the acronym),
Whatever your ultimate decisions are, I wish you only success.
Keep coming here, it can help.
Take care
