This is an update of what has been going on with myself, and some questions or guide I need from you who are recovered or into the route of being recovered.

May, was a terrible month regarding our recovery. I found out things about my H, not because he has told me, like that he was still working in the same compound as OW, lies, and his last one the trip that never was, only time to sort his mind, this was at the begining of June.

Really, that month was blow after blow for me, it felt that way, but I didn't even fought that hard, and it felt sort of hopeless already. I still didn't knew if I wanted to stay or go from my M, and I still don't but leading towards staying now, and until I know for sure I'll just hang.
At the time of all those things hapening, I was like in limbo, I don't know why, but those didn't felt as terrible as before [like you get used to all that cr@p?], and was avoiding it like hell, or maybe it was because I knew if I kept pushing it I would have a nervous breakdown, dealing with H and his mood because of his resignation of his current job, and how it affect us, dealing with SIL and in laws, dealing with my yelling boss, and maybe some withdrawall of my H, among other things, I had my plate full. Whatever the reasons, I decided to do nothing regarding my M, and just wait for some actions from H.
I'm still trying not to LB, and it's becoming easier by the time, also controling what I say and how I act upon situations, helping my SIL, and trying to have a good time when I can. I seldom fight anymore, and sometimes just put some faces when I can't control myself. But I'm not saying a word, and H knows now that I'm praying the serenity prayer instead. Also, I'm trying to change me and my attitude regarding a spot on myself, and I trusted my lady friend here at work, who is a totally fashion lady to help me in that.

I didn't gave anything on the SF department, and that was very unusual of me, I thought it was because of the bad month that May had been, and that it ended up also with me not wanting to have any, but after a while, and talking with a friend, I figured out it was because the new antidep I was taking, wich is Lexapro. Well I stopped it as of last thursday, because that side effect. Is not good to me.

I don't know what has gotten into H, he is the one pushing me to go to counseling, is not that I don't want to, but I feel like I got nothing much to talk about, like I'm taking it easy, he is telling me that ok, like I don't have anything more to improve? and well I know I'm far from it and that I need to improve a lot of things, but I'm just taking it more slowly, so what is wrong with that?.

Also, he is now 100% accountable for his time, arriving home early, and we are doing things together. He is more affectionate than pre-A, and looking for me for SF and doing some things I asked him long ago!. He is worried now that I'm not doing a lot of talking, but still he isn't doing a lot of reading, and I don't feel like I have to tell him ALL, all the time. I'm still moody, some days I feel good, and some days I feel depressed because all of this.

I have tryed several times to explain to him how I feel about many things, and how little things are triggers for me. Like before, he always got into the bathroom to call OW, now he goes with the door open to assure me, but he goes this days a lot! LOL, he is eating very healthy food, among those a lot of cereal. Also, this might seem a bit weird, but my H used to be a big guy, in all this mess, he took out more than 100 pounds, and he is into a very healthy way of life now. The thing is, that I never saw him as a fat guy, and I loved to grab him, This days, he is too skinny for me. Like all bones, and I don't like that at all.

This is kind of strange. I feel, like I had my old H but better in many things, but somehow, I know I'm still very hurt because of the A, and I know I have to get over it, but I feel is too early, I still don't know all the details, and for sure I don't want to know them all, but I would like to talk about it as something that happened, and not something that has to be avoided at all costs.
There are times my H is so caring with me, that I'm having a hard time believing, he is the same man as a year ago. And I guess I still have my walls up or something, that I don't want to believe it, or I'm afraid it's all a lie, or he is going to leave again?.

I knew, recovery was going to be VERY hard, and if this is it, I know we are just at the very begining of that road, and I guess I need some words of the people who has walked it. How you managed to change this feelings I'm having, if you relate to them?

Mattie,

I don't know what to tell you about the physical changes your H has made in himself and your reaction to them. Perhaps it's uncomfortable because it's different and you need time to get used to the new body? Time to "trust" it and be comfortable with it?

Regarding your "limbo" feelings and your H's sudden enthusiasm, perhaps you've been working, working, working on the M and now your giver is exhausted?

Or maybe you've been lied to and deceived so much that you want to let HIM carry the load a bit, so he can more or less prove his sincerity this time.

More of the roller coaster.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I knew, recovery was going to be VERY hard, and if this is it, I know we are just at the very begining of that road, and I guess I need some words of the people who has walked it. How you managed to change this feelings I'm having, if you relate to them?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">time.....time.....time.....

Real recovery takes a long time...

but, you knew I'd say that, didn't you? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Turtlehead

I know that the physical changes my H did were for himself. I can not ask for him to change as before, because it's obvious he is doing all in his power not to be like that. I'll have to accept those changes, not that I like them, but it's a part of the new him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Regarding your "limbo" feelings and your H's sudden enthusiasm, perhaps you've been working, working, working on the M and now your giver is exhausted? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, my giver IS exahausted, I even told him that, and is not that I'm into a taker mood or anything, just into some peace of mind stage. More like in do not make waves...

Also

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Or maybe you've been lied to and deceived so much that you want to let HIM carry the load a bit, so he can more or less prove his sincerity this time.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course this is also a huge part of the issue. And I'm really seeing at him doing a big effort in many issues, but I don't know if I got something wrong in me or what, but is like I'm just waiting for another blow <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> . Or maybe is that after all the time and pain, I'm having a really hard time looking at the signs that the alien is leaving my H.

YES! more of the rollercoaster

Susan

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> time.....time.....time.....

Real recovery takes a long time...

but, you knew I'd say that, didn't you? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, yes I know it requires time, time and then again more time, I wouldn't expect this to be fast, and all this proccess has taken a lot of time for me, and I know it will take a lot more. I didn't knew you were going to say that, but thank you. It helped me.

A year ago I doubted I would be like today [and I have waited all this TIME for be like today and a lot better], and a year from now, who knows?

But you are right, I thought the unbearable pain was never going to go, and now this days is not even as hard as before. There are even times, when I'm with H, and he makes me feel like all was like a bad dream <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> . Like bit by bit, I'm having again the H I deeply loved, but right now I don't believe that either? So you must be right, I should give it time... time... time.... Anyway, I'm not right now in any kind of a hurry <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

Mattie Bella,

Just to say I'm reading your posts, keeping you in my prayers, and hoping some "oldtimers" will answer with continuing words of support.

Simmy

I too am in the same boat as you. My h told me so much that he didn't want to be with that I convinced myself that it was true. When he came home I had a hard time believing he was for real (still do... but getting better).

I still think of the A a lot... but I know if I bring it up or talk about it's just prolonging my recovery.

My minister told me that it will be harder for me... because I was the one who was betrayed. He told me that everyday I will begin to think of it less and less. That seems to be true. We have only been in recovery for a little over a month... and I still have my doubts and I worry of a relapse. Sometimes I feel depressed other days just angry... I was 36 weeks pregnant when he decided to have his fling!