I was going to edit this to try and make my letter look better but I really do want to know if I made any SHOCKING mistakes and if there's anything I should do or say now or if it's really too late now.

I gave her this letter about a week ago. Then, people on this list at least made me ask her to move out instead of displacing me and she has now been gone for about 5 days.

Here it is. Please be kind but honest. I don't want to compromise Plan B but if I REALLY screwed something up I want to know.


Dear ,

I think if nothing else I deserve to be heard so please respect me, my love and my time spent with you and read this stuff.

So here we go. If you honestly want to figure out what's best for you I think you should do a few things. Go out and do stuff with him. Meet his friends and hang out with them and let him meet some of yours too. If you truly want to find yourself I suggest you do what you usually think people should do which is DATE before you get physically intimate. Though you might think you've been dating, you haven't and even though you've already been "physical" you were kind of running out of other things to do. You have not been dating in the way people who are important to each other normally date. Everything was a secret. Secret notes, secret calls, secret visits, secret sex, etc...Start visiting each other at work, out in the open. Get to know him in the way people who aren't married to other people would get to know each other. Get to know his kid too. Spend time with him.

We talked a lot about what made our marriage great and we talked a lot about what made it suffer. I think we both agree and KNOW that when you were teaching we were forced apart by your schedule way too often. Though it may all be hidden to you now, there was a time when we snuck off to make out, ducked into a bathroom for 10 minutes, took work breaks, pulled off the road, etc... Everything's related. We weren't meeting each other's needs in terms of spending quality one on one time togheter and that direcltly correlates to the amount of rmomance and intimacy. As I saind in another note, if we'd NEER had it, if there'd never been that romance, that intimacy, that quality time there would be every reason to just give up but we not only had it, we had it good. We had it so good everyone was jealous. We had it so good we HAD to get married. I was so charming, you were so beautiful, we loved each other SOO Much. Can what's been missing be found? Yes. We found pieces of it just the other day during our bike riding date-a-thon. That, after some pretty serious **** had gone down.

Finally, again, if you believe you are on a quest to discover your true place, I would like you to read these things. (I asked her to read chpaters 3 and 6 in Surviving an Affair and pages 46-50).

If you think this all feeling pretty weird to you you're right. I wanted to make you leave. I really did. Make you move in with your parents or something but more than that I want you to figure this all out. Let me know when/if you do.

I will do my best to not let my mom know. In case miracles do happen she would probably be the hardest to get back on our side as I'm sure your parents would be if I ever did something like this to you.

If you think praying is something you can muster up for our marriage I think it's a good idea. Your beliefs have always been something I know you felt strongly about and there doesn't seem to be any better time for some deep freaking thoughts.

So you know, I will be praying for us. Not in a blanket-sense "everything will be better" kind of way but I will be praying for you to figure out what's truly important to you and your happiness and I will be praying that I will have the strength and the patience to listen to what you discover.

I love you.

Good bye,

schander

schander, I think you are a very good writer and I like this letter. I like the way you reminded her of happy times. There are a few things I see as problematic that could be become obstacles to your recovery, though. It shouldn't be too hard to overcome these issues, though.

First off, I wouldn't encourage her to pursue a sleazy relationship. It only normalizes something that should not be normal. You can't take that part back now, but it's just something to tuck away for future correspondence.

An important thing to outline in a Plan B letter is a clear path back. She needs to know what her path back is, i.e.: ending her affair with the OM. That should be your boundary.

It is also important to go completely DARK in Plan B unless and until she ends her affair. If you have a chance to relate this, I would tell her this is your condition. And if she contacts you, the first thing out of your mouth should be the question "have you ended contact with OM?" If not, remind her that you would not like to contacted until then and politely say goodbye.

And lastly, I know you promised that you wouldn't tell your mother, but I don't know WHY. I think this is not a good promise and I would suggest retracting it. It is not in yours or HER best interest for you to help HIDE HER SECRET from your family.

This continued secrecy only HELPS the affair live on. It cannot lose its fantasy aspect as long as you help her hide. Not exposing this affair to everyone only shoots you in the foot.

I would suggest telling EVERYONE in your family and her family. Plus the OM's wife, if any, and any friends. Exposure helps hasten the end of the affair. It takes all the fun out of it and embarrasses the WS. Please don't overlook this extremely valuable tool in restoring your marriage. The more you expose, the greater your chance of recovery.

I almost think you should send her another letter, schander. Because, I think its important that you lay out the path back to her.

I would like to see what the others think about sending another letter, because I am sort of on the fence about it.

Has she contacted you in the past 5 days? Have you contacted her?

schander,
I will agree with ML on many points....

1. Definitely find a way to retract the "pursuing the relationship" stuff. Word recently wiggled back to me that I was "OK with" my WW's current A. I made it abudantly clear to anyone who would listen, MIL included, that there is a HUGE difference between me being OK (which I am) and being "OK with it." Draw that line....

2. A clear path back is crucial, both for you and her. It defines your boundaries for her return, and helps define what you will and won't accept in any relationship.

3. I don't really see a true "end the A, and then we can talk" statement. Remember that WS's are confused, scared, angry, "in love", and all mixed up. Leave no gray areas regarding you. She may just think you are ignoring her.

4. EXPOSE! Family members and married friends are crucial. You don't have to give gory details. A simple "WW is having an A, I am committed to our M and wish for her to return to it." Let them decide how to handle it from there.


The "other letter" thing. If you hear from your WW, then you have a great opportunity to send a "true" PBL. If not, you may have to re-engage her briefly to help get your point across.....

I will give you my PBL experience so you can see the progressions it made. I have seen my PBL paraphrased a bit lately, so apparently I got some of it right. And WW understood. Other than a freak meeting at a concert, I have not seen or heard from her in more than 2 months. While that may sound a bit scary, remember that Plan B, if followed properly, is always successful. The WS will either return to the M, OR you will be in less pain when the D comes. I have only experienced the latter, but it has been quite helpful.

Here is the suggested setup for a PBL. (Straight from Chris -CA123)
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
1 - You love her.
2 - You want to stay married.
3 - You are sorry for your part in bringng the marriage to the state it is. Also that you are learning (ala MB) how to make a relationship better and take into account the other persons feelings with all your actions.
4 - You have to cut off all contact because of the pain of her continued affair.
5 - You will agree to contact again when she gives up the affair and agrees to discuss what is needed for reconciliation.
6 - You love her.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Here is my Plan B letter experience. You can see my original and the reasoning behind the changes I made.

In the event that you have neither the desire nor stamina to read the thread, here is the final version of my PBL.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
*************
Dearest WW,
It is with the heaviest of hearts that I write you this letter. I am saddened by what has become of us, our friendship, our marriage. This letter is written to you as a necessity. Allow me to explain.

The eight years that we have been together were filled with an endless number of hugs, smiles, tears and laughs. I have loved you every minute of every day that we have spent together.

I realize that I have not been a perfect husband to you. I see now that both my attitude and financial irresponsibility drove a wedge into our marriage. I apologize to you. You must know that I never intended to hurt you or push you away from me.

The pain that your relationship with OM3 and the relationships that you have had during our marriage has been unimaginable. Continued contact with you has the potential of destroying my love for you and I don't want that to happen.

It is because of this that I must insist that we no longer contact each other, until you are no longer involved with OM3 or anyone else. I ask that you respect my decision. In the event of an emergency, or any necessary financial matters, please contact your mom, and she will contact me. Once you have ended your relationship with OM3 completely, please contact me, and I will be willing to discuss restoring our friendship and marriage.

I am committed to our marriage. I believe that we can build a marriage that is stronger and more beautiful than we have experienced. Beginning today, I walk forward in life, and I want you to walk with me. I love you with all of my heart.

Your loving husband,
Ethan
******************
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good Luck,
Ethan

Darn good post, Ethan! I just saved it for future use. Thanks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Your comments all seem VERY valid and I too think Ethan's letter did all the things a PBL is supposed to do while still clearly showing love.

I will work on a possible addendum to my letter to give her and will post it here first. Hopefully I'll be able to work on it tonight.

She HAS tried to make contact a little bit but I will not do it. Thanks for the suggestion too that if she tries, my first response is "Have you ended the affair."

schander

Pretty poor letter in general and not in any way a Plan B letter at all. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
It does look like a great journal entry for getting things out of your system though! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

There is nothing about no-contact (or why).
You simply tell her to go out and do what she wants to find herself. Not a good thing to do (besides, she already seems to be doing that)
It lays most (if not all) of the blame on her. (“I think we both agree and KNOW that when you were teaching we were forced apart by your schedule way too often.”)

This is not a letter to the complaint department.
This is a love letter (of sorts).

Melody & Ethan explained it all very well.

The affair needs to be in the open. If your mom hates her, then it is up to you to stick up for your wife.

Also, this stinks (“I will do my best to not let my mom know. In case miracles do happen”)
Don’t write these types of statements.

Don’t try to educate her (“Finally, again, if you believe you are on a quest to discover your true place, I would like you to read these things. (I asked her to read chpaters 3 and 6 in Surviving an Affair and pages 46-50).”)
You can simply tell her you are learning (using Marriage Builders principles) how relationships SHOULD work and what you have to do to make them work. But don’t tell her she needs to do it also.

<small>[ June 24, 2004, 11:26 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Soooooo,

Do you ALSO think I should re-write or at least give her an additional note/letter "fixing" the things I did wrong?

schander

Yes, you need to write a proper Plan B letter to her (and post it here BEFORE you send it).

I'd just let the last one go and don't bring it up. If she mentions the previous letter, just tell her you were hurt and confused and were not sure of what to say or do.
Have you read all the links below?
Have you thought of calling Harley? (see below)

Definatly stay away from statements such as </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So here we go. If you honestly want to figure out what's best for you I think you should do a few things.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This letter is supposed to be a LOVE letter - not a 'you're doing this wrong, this is what you need to do to do it right' letter. Plus by saying 'IF you honestly', you're hinting that she may NOT be being honest - which is just a stones throw from calling her a liar.

Then you go on to blame her for the two of you drifting apart because of her schedule. Pointing out the schedule problem could be done in a much more loving - less finger pointing way.

You've got a good start - but PLEASE do revise it and bring it back here before you give it to her.

Oh shoot - I just re-read and realized you gave her this already.

The letter goes completely against Plan B in all ways other than the loving statement about the time you spent together.

Other than that you tell her to go ahead and have the affair - that you'll be waiting on the sidelines working on yourself if she decides to come back - that the chances of that are minute (a miracle you tell her) - and that you'll protect her from the consequences of moving forth in the A (you won't tell your mom). You really didn't give her any reason NOT to go forth and do what she wants.

I would do a WHOLE NEW LETTER - A REAL Plan B letter- and just tell her at the start that you apologize if your last letter misled her in anyway, but that this whole thing has you on an emotional rollercoaster. That after some space and thought you really want to say the following:

Then go on to a real Plan B letter with the guidelines listed above. I love you, I want to make this work with you, I apologize for not meeting your needs in our marriage, I know we could make this work if you would give us a shot. etc..

I'm not sure what the others think on this - but I'm thinking you might put a line in there about NOT being willing to protect her from the consequences of her choice to have an affair. You might say that your first instinct was to protect her - but that you've come to realize that it puts you in a position to lie to others who are close to you, and you don't want to be put in that position.