Well last night I called my WS at work and was talking about his upcoming trip to visit his mother in North Carolina. I want to go with him but he doesn't want me to go. I think that he is acting very weird lately and have this feeling he is going to meet up with OW since she lives about 4 hours from his mom in South Carolina. He says he isn't but of course he is not going to admit to it.

Said he wants to go alone and think about everything. About what to do with us and stuff. Then he said he was going to finally do the right thing. I said what's that I was thinking he was going to end contact with OW. But he said finally leave me because he realized as long as he is with me he will always hurt me. Because he doesn't love me like I should be loved. I said you will only hurt me if you choose to do so.

I was trying to say things in hopes of making him realize he is not thinking clearly. But he truly believes he is not confused and knows what he wants. I told him I was going to stay with my mom then and don't contact me unless he is willing to try to work things out with me. He said fine. Then he calls back later and we talk again. I said I can't believe you would just give up when things get hard. I can't believe you won't even try without contact with her to see if things can be different.

He says well we can try. He said if I truly want to try you will be there when I get home. I suggested that he stop contact with her to see if things can be different. I said if they are not then atleast you can say you truly tried. But if we do make it wouldn't that be wonderful? He wants to know how long we should try before we say that is enough. I said for me it would be forever but I am not sure what to say.

I think he just had a frustrating day at work and took it out on me. One day he is fine sweet and loving the next day he is distant and doesn't want in the marriage. I asked him how would I know that he stopped contact with the other woman. HE says actions speak louder than words. So I guess we will see.

Some of the things he mentioned that makes him feel like the marriage isn't what he wanted it to be is he feels like I don't understand him, like he can't talk to me, feels like he is the only one providing for the family because right now I stay at home with his son from a previous marriage and our 3 year old plus another on the way, he feels like he is not motivated, and like our life is just stuck. Feels like he goes to work and comes home and does the same thing everyday. I told him none of these things are major issues that we cannot workout. But he believes they can't be and that he doesn't love me.

Guess I am just rambling I still want to plan A. Is it normal for a WS to keep saying it's best to end it but still keep staying? Anybody been through this but have their spouse realize they were wrong and work it out? Thanks for the advice.

<small>[ June 24, 2004, 02:27 PM: Message edited by: SadMarylandLady ]</small>

He is not thinking clearly, but he does not realize it. Stay in Plan A.

If I am doing Plan A this weekend... What do I do? Do I just say enjoy your trip even though I want to cry knowing he may meet her again after 6 months of not seeing her.

I heard the same thing; that he didn't love me, that our marriage had been a sham, but that he was staying for the kids....and I am still in plan A...and now he says he wants to work on us, and that he is staying for us.

NOW, having said all that, he still sees OW as a "friend"--and now the tables are strangely turned---I have told him that I will not live in a situation like this...and now he is scared I will leave him (but apparently not enought to stop seeing her! grrr)

I don't know how this will work out, but just wanted to post this to show you how fast things can turn...and change. I have two small kids (both under the age of 4) so I know how hard this is, but you will find strength from the people here....and you will find a strength in yourself you never knew you had. I know I have.

Must go before 1 year old kills himself (VERY VERY naughty little one I have)-- <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks CCiyer. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one going through this. What hurts the most is he truly believes he loves her but he insists it's not about her. Even though none of these problems have started until after she was in the picture. I just hope he wakes up soon. I love him so much. And I really don't want our new baby to be born in a broken family.

SML - Unfortunately, I now what you are going through. It is heartbreaking to think our babies might never know what is it like to grow up in the same household with both parents who love him/her.

I thought if I told you my story it might help a little to realize you are not alone. My WH told me about the A and that he didn't love me or want to be married at the beginning of May. He moved out three weeks later. During those three weeks before he moved out, he was so cold, distant and shut down. Nothing I said or did matter, he wasn't hearing anything and had made up his mind. Now one month later, he is starting to open up and be honest with me and with himself. I have been doing Plan A and I really think that has made a difference, not just for us but more importantly for me. I don't know if our M can be saved, but I do know I am doing my best. I'm not advocating someone move out, but in our case I don't things would have gotten better anytime soon if he had stayed. In fact, they probably would have gotten much worse. He was miserable at home and resented being there. And I felt hurt and rejected by the way he was acting all the time. Moving out has given him a new perspective. Plus, as in your case, a WH who leaves his pregnant wife, does not get a lot of comfort from those around them. I used this time to take a good hard look at myself and didn't like what I saw. I am using this time to help me to become a better person. I still miss him like crazy and hope he can find his way home one day.

Please know that you are not alone and one way or another you will get through this (at least that is what I tell myself). Just take it one day at a time.

How are you doing with the pregnancy? These raging hormones don't make it any easier. Even under normal circumstances they say weepiness is normal, add all this stress on top and it's no wonder we are basket cases half the time!

Sad,

I think we may be married to the same person. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I hear the same things and really are in no plan right now even though WH does not sleep here at nite anymore. Situation is quite complicated.

What frustrates me is that I say the same things you do. These problems are not overcomeable. Identifying them is half the battle. So many other people have overcame such devastating situations. I guess thats why its called the fog.

Stay strong for yourself and your children and please take extra care.

Lisa

My pregnancy is doing fine. I am almost 5 months pregnant now. I think I am starting to feel a little flutter. Everytime I feel it I think of my baby and I know that I can make it through this. I don't get sick just eating like crazy. I crave something new everyday. I have only gained 1 pound so far with my son I only gained 8 pounds the whole time with him. And lost 17 afterwards.

I am so sad right now. I feel like crying because my hubby came home and he is still gun hoe on leaving for the weekend. I know he can see the pain in my eyes but he looks right through me with that distant look. How can he hurt me like this?

Lately I feel like what's the use. I feel like I am forcing someone to be with me when they don't feel love for me. I feel like saying go. Then I think I will miss him sooooooooooooooooo much. I don't know how I will make it.. Other than focusing my whole mind on my kids. Does he even realize how much it hurts to hear all the things he says to me? I feel so unloved so unwanted. I would never and could never do this to him. I could never hurt him this bad.

If he goes this weekend and doesn't take me I will be so depressed thinking about them two together. Yeah maybe he won't meet her. But I think that is a slim chance.

I am so sorry that all of you that posted seem to be in a similar situation. The pain is so much at times but we got to keep going for our kids... For ourselves... I know if he doesn't want me and leaves that there is someone out there someday who will treat me like I am suppose to be treated. I just wish it was him.

[
"Said he wants to go alone and think about everything. "

He's going to see OW. Hire a PI if you want proof. And then sit on the proof for awhile, say nothing. Proof may come in handy in the future if the marriage does not make it.

"I told him I was going to stay with my mom then and don't contact me unless he is willing to try to work things out with me. He said fine. Then he calls back later and we talk again. "

THIS is a big mistake you are making...

Do NOT NOT NOT say anything ... and then fail to follow through.

If you say "don't contact me" and then take his call ... you have just ruined your credibility.

If you don't mean it .... don't say it!

Stay away from ultimatums if you are not prepared to follow through.

Pep

I am so sorry to hear your situation.

I have been in the same situation like yours. My WH said the same thing and i said almost the same thing like you to WS.

The only difference is that i am not pregnant and i feel so sad to hear that you are. It is the most horrible thing to happen during this time. Hugs to you Sad!!!

I have tried everything in the book by the book...all...trust me if i say that there is NOTHING in the world to stop our WS from going on with their affair. WS will only stop when the fog lifts.

You need to think about yourself. Get support from friends and family. Vent your frustrations here. Look after the children.

I know that feeling about "sooooooo missing him feeling" you are still at the stage where you are kind of blinded with all the emotions around you....pain hurt betrayal, desperation, despair etc etc. You will get OVER the feelings once you put yourself FIRST...think of yourself and the children.

STOP THINKING about saving the marriage or WS or end the affair.

You need to focus...and focus and focus on yourself and the baby. Think about your baby and your health.

DO NOT CARE about WS. Keeping repeating this in your head everyday. It will help you.

Using this pregnancy peiod where you need to survive for you baby FIRST and foremost.

My hubby came home tonight and I could not even smile. I just felt like bursting in tears. This is the first time since DDay that he is going for the weekend alone to his mothers house. Maybe he truly is going to help his friend move. Maybe I am making a big deal over nothing. But I feel like he isn't doing anything to comfort me either. I know I have LB tonight. I feel bad now because I wanted to plan A this whole week and if he did meet her he would think about me and not do anything. That their time together would not be as special as he thought it was before.

As soon as I can get everything together I will be going to Plan B. I think right now he is taking me for granted. That if I go he will realize what he had and come back. I know he truly loved me at one point. I just think his feelings are clouded because he feels the OW is alot like him in many ways and that we are to different. Plus the other things I mentioned earlier.

I am holding my 3 year old. I can't seem to let him down. He is what's holding me together right now. Looking in his eyes I wonder how my husband can do this to me. To him. My son loves his dad so much and will be very hurt if his dad truly does leave me or I leave him.

My husband keeps saying now that fine he won't go since you are making such a big deal. So he can resent me more. I told him I didn't no want him to go. I just wanted to go along or be comforted in some way to know that he is not going to meet with her. He said Whatever. I then told him to do what he wanted. If that means meeting her do it. If that what makes him happy... Just know that he is killing me inside. I told him to think about me and the baby and our son this weekend. I hope his long 6 hour drive makes him realize if he is meeting her that it is wrong.

I apologize--I have not followed your story before, so I have no idea how long you have been on plan A....I think the minimum time suggested here is three months (and I'm only at one and a half months and it feels like a lifetime!!!)
I'm not a veteran by any means, but I think plan B --no contact with him until he gives up the affair--has the risk of him actually LEAVING. Are you prepared for that? Believe me, recently I have also been contemplating plan B.....but I know in my heart it's too early, and that I really need to stick with it for at least 3 months because I do see small signs of change.

I'll just reiterate what all have said--focus on YOU and that beautiful new baby on the way....BTW, I too have a 3.5 year old girl, and a 1 year old boy. Like your son, my daughter is VERY attached to her dad, and I struggle daily with whether I am doing the right thing....for them and for me. You will find the strength to take care of yourself and them....and thrive in the process (although it doesn't seem that way right now)

Sad -

Your H is deep in the fog, still. Which means he is still in contact with OW. I agree with Pep, he is going to see her. Please do not think anything is too audacious for him to do, too over the top. That is what this whole A business is about.

My H said and did all the same things. He moved out on New Year's Eve after confessing A to me, OW dumped him in January. The man still thought they could be "just friends" for almost 4 months after. He insisted if he had to choose between being her friend, and being my H, that I wouldn't like the choice he made. He kept telling me he had made "commitments" to her, and he wouldn't break them. I of course said, "What about the commitments you made to me?!?!" He had no answer.

Fog land. Fog speak. Fogese. Whatever you want to call it, your H has not turned back to you. Continue with your Plan A until you cannot do it anymore. Then, Plan B if you have to.

My H came out of the fog, after months of withdrawal from OW. He now realizes he can never be her friend, he cannot have contact with her, and that he was temporarily insane. My H left me because he was "doing the right thing." "Staying was just hurting" me. MY opinion was that the right thing would be to give up his girlfriend and come back to his wife and family . . . but, WS are not thinking like we do.

Now, when I say that to him, he just says, "your're right, but that's not how I felt then - that's not the way I saw the situation then." But it is how he sees it now.

So, follow the plans. Keep posting and taking the great advice you get from the vets here. Read the site over and over again. I found the parts on the giver and taker very helpful. And, most important, take care of YOU.

Because, with or without H, when you have finished this journey, you will be more than you ever imagined. That's what happened to me.

SS

Hey there,
Listen, he's meeting her. Nothing you can do/say/threaten/hope for is going to change this. I've been there, I've lived that, and I still won't ever get over THAT. It's the most horrible thing you will go through this weekend.

We want to know what YOU will do to get through this weekend. You are NOT going to change this. You can only control YOU.

If he sees her will he tell you ? Are you prepared for whatever it is he DOES tell you ?
I'm worried about what this weekend will do to you. If he doesn't go, and you feel he'll resent you for it, look at the flip side of that coin. If he DOES go, and he DOES meet up with her, then whatever RESENT he may have felt in your attempts to recover your marriage will fall somewhere in nonexistent land. You'll be devastated again, you'll be upset and torn, and confused, and beating yourself up.

I want to see you here often, we want lots of updates from you right now.

Well my husband left for work and hugged me and told me to goodbye and to have fun with my mom this weekend. I couldn't look at him because I felt like crying.

What kills me at this point is that they never had sex before. Close to it but stopped. If he does meet her this weekend it could happen. If it does I will leave for sure. He asked if I meant what I said about if he was going to be with his guy friend and help him move to have a good time. But if was going to meet up with her then I have a problem with him going. He said he has no intention of meeting with her. I guess the only thing I can do is trust him to make the right choice. If he doesn't then it's his loss. He will lose his family's respect because they are already mad at him about this weekend, his house, his kids, everything.

I just want to email the OW up and let her know I know what's going on. But I don't think this will do much good. I was really wishing he would take me at the last minute or decide not to go on his own. I told him I can't force him to do anything he doesn't want to do so go do whatever makes him happy. This weekend I tend to have my mom over and do girly things. Watch movies, go eat dinner, shopping , and stuff. Maybe that will take my mind off it a bit. Thanks for all the support you guys.

*STOP* saying this:

"Do whatever makes you happy."

Would you ever say this to your child as he was about to DO some dumb thing that might be damaging to his soul, destructive to his family , and totally nuts????

No, you would not.

Instead, try something like this:

"You have free will to make choices about the life you want to live. This family is NOT a trap holding you from making your choices."

or

"You are free to live by your choices."

or

"My love is not a trap. This family cannot hold you against your will."

or

"Whatever the other choices you might be considering, remember this, one of your choices is to remain a beloved member of this family."

But do NOT say "Do whatever makes you happy." .... cocaine? going deep into debt? running naked down main street?

Please.... have a different phrase to say ... keep it in your pocket.... and stop saying things you cannot back up.

Pep

Thanks Pep... I guess I was thinking if I said this he would think about how selfish he is being making only himself happy... I know now in the future to say it a little differently.

I was thinking about writing him a email before he goes but really don't know what to say...

What do you want him to know that you haven't already told him?

Type it here.
Let us hear it.
It we think it would be useful, we'll say so.

Your emotional closeness to unbelievable hurt and fear is not making you a good communicator right now... And pregnancy hormones don't help either !!!

Pep

Well I guess the email doesn't matter. He just called and said he is heading off to his mom's now. He told me to have fun again. I started crying a little and he said I won't go if your going to be like this. I said no I want you to make your own choice. I asked him to be honest with me and he said he has no plans of meeting her. I probably did a stupid thing but I sent the OW a email.

I hope your not meeting with Bruce this weekend. If you guys are planning something that is pretty selfish and I have also told him so. If you do I hope you have fun knowing you are with another woman's husband. If not I am sorry for making assumptions but after so many lies and doing stuff behind my back I think I am being very normal.

She didn't know he was married all the other times she met with him. But even after finding out she still kept phone contact. This will be the first meeting with her knowing everything if they meet. She probably won't see the email anyway she probably has me blocked. I am so sad.

I sent the OW a email.

"I hope you have fun knowing you are with another woman's husband."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*STOP*
using sarcasm saying something you do NOT mean....

It is a very BAD communication habit and it may be one of the things YOU need to learn during this ordeal .... how to STOP this type of non-direct opposite-message.

Do you see where this form of communication is hurting you?

pep

<small>[ June 25, 2004, 11:20 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>