When I got home from work on Friday, I noticed that WH had deleted the call log from the caller i.d. I got very, very suspicious of him. (for those who don't know, we are doing pretty darn good in recovery after such a short time). My H was working that night and I didn't expect him to call until later but I couldn't wait. I called the OW (yikes) and asked her point blank if she was having any contact with my H. She said no, not at all. Of course, I couldn't leave it at that. For some reason, I had to do some more digging. I asked her about the first date she had with my H, wherein my H said they were at a park and having some beers and started to have Sex but didn't finish. She said, yes, they finished and that a ranger watched the whole thing and that's when they both got misdemeanor tickets for trespassing and possession of alcohol. Ok, so, was H just telling me that they didn't finish so as to not hurt my feelings? Why lie to me after all that I already know?

So, when H called, I asked him about the caller i.d. and he said that it was just full of too many calls and he deleted them, as he does on occasion. He was very offended and said to go check the other phones if I didn't believe him. He said he didn't make or recieve any calls at all.

I did NOT tell him I contacted OW. I kept it a secret, nor did I tell him what she told me (she also told me that she's not doing well and needed some closure, and I said NO, no contact whatsoever!). So, now I'm feeling majorly guilty for having this secret. I should not have called her because I'm all panicky again.

Do you think I should tell H I talked to her? Psych said no, that my betrayal was a .5 on a scale of 1 to 10.

<small>[ June 28, 2004, 08:33 AM: Message edited by: halseybach ]</small>

Do you believe in radical honesty? If so, isn't necessary in this situation? You made that call knowing full well it would raise hell.

You'll likely carry this new knowledge like a thorn. I disagree with your therapist, but then I don't know what I'm talking about.

GC

Sure you should tell him. But I don't understand why you call it a "betrayal?" How is that? *YOU* are the betrayed, not him. Granted, you overreacted, but you called because you don't trust him. You don't trust him because he has been untrustworthy in the past. You shouldn't trust an untrustworthy person.

Yours is the natural behavior of a person who has been betrayed. You have a RIGHT and an expectation to protect yourself. Don't you dare feel guilty about that!

The only lesson I would take from this situation is that you should give him an opportunity to explain next time before you go making phone calls.

Just skimming through the threads and came across yours. Wow, do I disagree with your therapist! I can't believe anyone would want you to carry this and hide it from your husband. I couldn't even recommend how you should go about telling him, if it were me I would beg his forgiveness after explaining that it was a decision made in panic. If you had taken a few minutes to think about it, would you have still made that call? Complete honesty is so important, and we BS's are just as capable of making mistakes as the WS's.

Yes, I know. It's eating me up inside. Here, I expect him to be honest about everything and now I'm hiding something. I suppose I should just sit down and explain to him what happened. In hindsight, I wouldn't have called her. I new it the moment she answered the phone. It has made me anxious and guilty and I should have just tried, for once, to trust my H. I'm so afraid to tell him though because its such a major LB that he will be VERY angry with me. I just can't take any emotional fights with him right now. It will just kill me inside if he gets very angry. I was really starting to feel well and like things were going to work out and I don't want that feeling to go away. I'm scared.

Wow, I don't even know what to say and I totally agree with your fear. When I first found out, my husband and I promised to keep it between us, but the first day he was back at work and I was here by myself I spilled my guts to his sister. Talk about stabbing him in the back, but I confessed it to him and explained that I acted in panic and he understood and forgave me. His sister told nobody, not even her husband.

The only instance that I would suggest you keep this from him is if he has ever been abusive to you. If not, I say tell him. Promise to always come to him first from now on. He has no reason not to forgive you, if he holds this against you he isn't being fair. You made a mistake, (hey, so did he!!!), and you deserve to be forgiven.

What you do not deserve is to have something else eat away at you. If your therapist can't see how damaging this could be to you and your husband, then you need a new therapist.

What you just wrote is pretty much what you can say to your H.

GC

Ditto what the others have said - if you expect complete and total honesty from your H, you have to be able to provide him with same.

PLUS... a 2x4 ... NC means NC for BOTH of you. See how she started talking about needing "closure"? Don't talk to her any more.

Yes, I think you are all correct. And, NC should mean for both of us. I'll never call her again because she'll never be out of our lives and always be that third person in our marriage if I don't let it go.

Ok, I'll tell him what I did tomorrow (he's working again tonight). I only hope that he can understand what I did. Although, I don't think I'll tell him the particulars about our conversation. I believe them to be inconsequential and the less he knows about her, the better. Don't you think? He doesn't need to know that she needs closure and misses him. I believe that would be detrimental to our recovery. Am I right about that part, or is that bad also?

He should probably know what you know about the past of their relationship, like the fact that they finished that first time. To me that seems relevant because he thinks you believe something that isn't true. As for OW missing him and wanting closure (eeeeeevil word), that's about the future of their relationship, and you not only want there to not be one, but you'd hate to be their go-between, wouldn't you?

GC

yes, it is a very, very evil word...

I think that if I tell him about what I know really happened, (really such a minor detail, I knew they did it anyway), he may think I'm attacking him about lies again. I don't want that to happen on top of me having to confess calling her, which will upset him to begin with.

Nope, though, I agree about not telling him about what she's going though and HELL no I don't want to be the go-between. I'm having recurring nightmares to begin with and don't need anymore darn stress!! I can't stand that woman. I already hear her voice in my head all day long and it sickens me and fills me with anxiety.

Oh boy, I guess I couldn't wait any longer. The guilt was killing me.

I came home a little early and asked WH to sit and talk for a minute. I told him after much soul seeking and advice, I had to tell him something. I said that because I expect honesty from him that I have to be honest about a secret I've been keeping (get out shovel and start digging). I told him that I spoke with OW before I asked him about the caller i.d.log. (about a foot deep now..still digging). He asked, "did you two have a nice conversation?" (two feet down now). I said no, because I asked her about your first date at the park (still digging my hole...). I said that she told me that you two did finish the deed and that the ranger watched. (hole's pretty deep now). He said that wasn't true, that they didn't finish the deed. I asked if the ranger asked where his wife was. He said no. I asked if he had on his wedding ring (it's a deep hole I've gotten into now and I can't stop) he said he was wearing his ring. I asked if he paid her fines, he said no. (by this time I'm falling into the deep hole I've dug and passed the point of no return). I asked him if he was angry with me and he said that he's not happy, but he has no room to talk because of all his betrayals. I said I'm sorry (trying to climb back out of the hole). I said I would never contact her again and I'm so sorry I wasn't honest with him.

He had to go to work then and I had to get the kids. He said he'd call me later. He kissed me and hugged me (the half-hearted pat-your-back type of hug) and that was is.

Ok, I'm going to throw myself in the hole I dug now...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by halseybach:
<strong> I asked him if he was angry with me and he said that he's not happy, but he has no room to talk because of all his betrayals. I said I'm sorry (trying to climb back out of the hole). </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ok, you can quit with the guilt, Halsey. Even your H understands that this all happened as a result of his affair and it is a natural consequence.

It is a natural and expected consequence that you will overreact when you are recovering from the greatest betrayal a spouse can commit. So yes, you messed up, but it is to be expected and even your H understands this. You did the right thing, you were honest and you apologized. Thats all you can do.

yes, i know you're right Melody. I'm trying. I just hate doing anything to cause any strife in my marriage (actually, I was that way before this whole A thing). guilt is slooooowly going away now that I told him. can't wait to talk to him tonight though and judge his mood. Shoot, if it's bad, I'll be back on here cryin' away <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I have read the postings here and I feel that you should be totally honest. The events that have pre-cursored what you felt you had to do were riddled with lies and deception on some level and LB or not you owe it to yourself and your marrriage to be honest, not so much for your spouse but for yourself and your marriage re-building efforts. Love and hope to you

I know, and I totally agree with you. We've got to have complete honesty. If we're going to make it, we have to be totally honest with one another. I'm so untrusting its not even funny. I do feel better now that I was honest with him. we'll see how he is when we talk. I'll keep you informed.

Good job. It may not have been executed perfectly, but the degree of difficulty was wicked.

I think he'll ultimately thank you for your honesty. Good luck tonight. See if you can't fill that hole in a little.

GC

Update:

Well, last night's phone conversation went so/so. He didn't want to talk on the phone, but he did say that he's not mad at me.

This morning, however, he was all hugs and kisses again and seemed normal. We're supposed to go to dinner tonight, so that's nice. I think he's over it, thank God.

Halsey, I am sending you a MAJOR pat on the back with a hug chaser, don't you feel better now? You are now back to square one in rebuilding your marriage, and nothing is standing in your way or hovering in the background to make you feel unsure! I also commend your husband for his response, good going you two!! He is obviously committed to working this out, you are definitely on the right path. As for 'closure' that the OW thinks she needs, well she should accept the closure that she already got and move on with her life for the sake of her own family. Don't let her back in, not even a baby step. Hope you both have a great dinner, enjoy each other!

Thank you so much Tere. It feels good to hear that from someone!!

I can't wait for our dinner (off the diet just for tonight!). Oh, the diet is going good....38 pounds gone now....Whhooooeee, I'm a hottie!!

Feelin' pretty good here.

OW can go fly a kite for all i care <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
She will NEVER, NEVER be in my marriage, not even the teeniest bit, ever again. I'll satisfy my man's every EN and he'll have no reason at all to stray (I've kept him soooo satisfied, he's exhausted...heehee).

-michelle